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This morning the first day of my retreat I prayed with the readings of today and the words from Jesus on the cross to His Mother and to John
Week 1: I'm starting this retreat with a heavy heart and hope for more feeling of love, confidence and care that God provides me. In the last week I lost a dear soul -- she was so strong in spirit and fought so hard in her battle for cancer. Her class, care, generosity and love were palpable though far away…and I swear, I knew when she was dying (and earlier when she was sick) -- she came into my mind and then i found out later she was lost. It broke my heart -- and then last night I found out about another sweet, smart person who I know was diagnosed with a very aggressive, malignant cancer.
These woman were/are lights in my life and so young. I need to feel God's gracious hand in this to help with the sadness…I love looking for daily God sightings. Lately it's been blurry. I hope that this retreat helps me feel God in my life and better understand his ways. In the words of our focus…to know his fidelity and feel gratitude. I hope it's easier to say "thank you"….and a little less "why?". I know there is a reason…looking for perspective and love.
Week 1: I started reading the guide for the retreat today. I was reflecting on the monumental task of going through my story with God, and i feel a little discomfort. First because i don't know if i would have the discipline of prayer, and just going through my life story with all the pot holes, detours, indecisions. But i also revel in the fact that i now see that my childhood was bittersweet. A happy childhood, with some moments of pain, imagination, church, friends, God. God who was both near and far, but that a sense of gratitude permeates my being because He was there right in my childhood.
As I start week one I feel so blessed. I have faced memories of not feeling good enough. I have seen myself as a small child crying and lying to get out of being told off, or of almost engineering this as chastisement was followed by a cuddle. But I have also relived memories that show I was loved, and have come to realise that mum did her very best to be a good mother and did what she thought was best at the time.
The anchor of our existence is in the presence of our beloved God. What a gift to have any inkling of this. How does such realization of such a gift happen in an individual life and in a world of ephemeral distraction.
received a multitude of gifts but especially my husband and I are going deeper into prayer together and drawing really close in the Lord
I have started this on-line retreat many times…and never make it past the first couple of weeks! I am praying that this time I can finish the entire retreat.
Now, it took years of praying, praying, therapy….to get there! but I am here at last!