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Week 21 - Jesus Calls Others to Join Him/  Being Drawn to Him

Somebody sent me this message:  "  If somebody asks you what you do for a living,  tell him you make other people happy."  That is it.  That's how Jesus calls me to join Him. Not in some high places in the corporate ladder,  not as an entrepreneur  or a big time fellow who earns billions.  HE calls me to be a mother and a wife,    a friend and a lay volunteer in the infirmary where old and sickly priests reside.  The last one,  being a lay volunteer,  is the new call of Jesus. The infirmary where He draws me every day to trade stories with our priests.  I think I get more from these daily visits than they do from me.  They have become my friends and as my friends who have more wisdom than I have they never fail to direct me to the right path.

Amazing grace is what I call it.  

Week 10, Second time around.  Completed the Retreat Last Year.  In the Military, there is a term I recall  “recycle”, usually applied when a party did not complete, for whatever reason, injury, performance, etc. the complete training “cycle”,  and move on to the next opportunity.  Appropriately, or not, although I completed the retreat, I am taking a second tour.  It is almost a brand new experience, maybe it is.  A good experience.

Unfortunately, taking the readings into my life this week has opened my eyes to the hypocrisy of a particular Church leader in my own community.  Still recovering from the realization that a beloved priest has actually been used by the Enemy to lead me to sinful thoughts and actions.  The opposition to Christ in our world is still strong today and the plot to kill his spirit within our hearts is afoot in every corner of life.

Wow, the reading on Acceptance really hit home with me.   I’ve always had issues with relationships, lots of insecurities, etc.   I can see how the root of a lot of this is the lack of acceptance – either real or imagined, in my life.  There’s been one person in my life  who truly accepted me, I’m not sure he realizes what a gift he’s given me with that.   I do know that God’s acceptance can trump all the other lack of acceptance I’ve received from family, friends.

Week 19 was a gift to me...as I imagined Jesus wrapping his arms tightly around me and immersing me in the River Jordan with him.  We came out of the water together, and I became a new person, baptized into his death and resurrection.

Week 7: I often think of posting my thoughts but do not drum up the discipline to put words down. Finally.

I love the sharing I read here.  It helps me understand myself better, that I am not alone in thinking certain things about myself.  This week was about reflecting on personal sin and the patterns that lead to repeated negative behavior.  The reflection exercises I have performed, as the Lord leads me into contemplation of my past, my nature, my actions, smarted somewhat.  Am I really so shallow?  Am I petty?  Why do I not make the time for the poor?  Well, sometimes I am, and I have noticed these patterns.  I may have justified my actions (or lack thereof) by noting how busy I was, how my job has me flying around, how Mother has placed certain demands on me because she is not well.  But, that is no excuse.  I reflect and think through if there is a way to shift priorities somehow.  How can I establish achievable goals that support what we as Christians/Catholics value (volunteer, serve the poor in time or tithing) while taking care of the myriad of other demands in my life? 

Sometimes is a simple shift in mindset – well, not so simple.  What I am looking for is change in my actions – as that then shows true repentence.  Lord, I pray, that you may guide and help me as I seek to be more like you in nature.  In Your Name I Pray, Amen.

Week 20:  Testing

I am sad today because the priest who introduced me to the online ministries of Creighton is bedridden.  He is getting weaker.  He has a will that when his time comes he should not be brought to the hospital.  Could death be imminent?

This is one of those  times when I think of what I have gotten myself into.  More than a year ago,  I started as a lay volunteer in the infirmary where old/sickly priests reside.  The first few months were really a challenge. Sick priests,  waiting for God's call. I almost  backed out until a priest-friend of mine enlightened me.  How lucky,  he told me,  could I be. Being with them,  trading stories with them,  making them laugh,  at the last few moments of their life.  

Fr. M.,  has become my spiritual director.  Visiting him was like going on a weekly retreat giving me insights and light into some darkness in my life.  The last 2 weeks before he got bedridden,  he knew from the start that there's some heaviness in my heart.  And when I pored it out to him,  he cried with me.  When I left,  I kidded him that we could not watch a tearjerker together because we would end up soak in tears.  

Last week,  I was surprised he was already bedridden with an oxygen tube attached to his nostrils. We conversed about what happened and tears flowed from his eyes.  He said he is tired already.  He pities his nurses because he's very heavy.  Maybe he is still undergoing some purification before he goes up to heaven  according to him.  

 I know all of them are in their departure area already,  so to speak.  But when you've develop a relationship with them already it's hard not to get affected.  When I get affected I want to back out.    Last year,  a dear priest,  Fr. G.,  passed away.  Oh, that was sad!  Here comes another test.  Am I willing to go through this again?  Shouldn't I just stay comfortably in my house?  

When Jesus was tempted by the devil,  He stood His ground and gained freedom. I want to put my feet firmly on the ground and tell Him that I will be here for Him for as long as He will allow me to.  So, with courage in my heart I will visit Fr. M again and will continue to do so until he is called by our Father in heaven.

I am starting the 2nd week and am not sure I am really worthy of continuing. I don’t seem to recognize the graces God has bestowed on me.  I sit, read, ponder, ask, wait… read the requisite literature and still, I hear nothing.  It’s not that I can’t see the beauty of life all around. I appreciate the dark thunderous clouds; the beauty of a hawk in flight; the smile of someone passing by. But…shouldn’t there be more…shouldn’t I feel God’s presence everywhere I go?

Week 26:  Yesterday I was praying and meditating in my favorite spot in my home.  I live on 5 acres in the country.  My home is under some construction.  The room I was in is, at the present, an upstairs unfinished room with 7 widows facing North, East, and West looking over fields.  I was looking West out over the field next to my home which I have planted with trees and flowers.  The thought popped into my head that Jesus was in the Garden of Gethsemane when he had the Agony in the Garden.  I thought of the irony of the situation.  My garden is tranquil and serene.  It helps me meditate.  Jesus is in the same setting but his meditation is not peaceful.  It is so upsetting He begins to sweat blood.  What if Jesus was here in my garden.  What does He want me to know? 

Sometimes I wish I knew what the future held, so I could make better decisions today.  But when I reflect on Jesus, He knew the future and wished it could be taken from Him.  He was in agony because He saw what would be.  Isn't it amazing that God so loves us that He buffers our reality and protects us from knowing the future?

This is the other thing my meditation taught me.  I love reading the sharings from everyone.  In many of the sharings I read that people are afraid of what will be asked of them. Fear can paralyze a person into inaction.  I also wonder at times where I am heading and what will be asked of me.  But, and it is a very big but, we all have Jesus as a guide and He was scared, too.  He was scared but did what God asked of Him anyway.  And He asks us to follow Him.

My prayers are for all on this retreat, and all who make this retreat possible.  Thanks so very much.  And please pray for me.

-Marie

On lesson 9:

I asked my sister for forgiveness for leaving her with a man who had not respected me.  Sure enough, he had wrestled her and she did manage to not be physically molested. How ashamed I can be for all of my time with that man, and how much more ashamed that I endangered my sister.

Thank God I am present to the promise of wholeness. Without forgiveness and the sanctifying of human life, itself, through Jesus, all of my time would be spent in discomfort and despair.

With wholeness as the promise, I admit what I did and didn't do with that man and my sister. I trust that I am forgiven. To really trust I am forgiven takes something. If I hesitate that I am forgiven, I listen again for the joyous promise of wholeness. We see it in any new born baby!

Jesus loved the world with every atom of his body. God SO loved the world, he gave Jesus. Life, itself, is the gift.

Week 25:  I have been working on Week 25 for a couple of weeks.  What I was graced to see was the humanness of Jesus.  He cried at the burial site of Lazarus; He talked about  drinking water at noon with the woman at the well.  He was concerned for our well-being.  He was also amazed, it seems to me, at how little we understood of the heavenly Father and what was needed to be accomplished.  After reflection I am amazed at what 12 men were able to accomplish in spreading the Gospel everywhere, and without cars, computers, I-PODS, tablets,etc.  Just the feet and the mouths of "uneducated' men.  WOW!  And we are called to do the same.  May Divine assistance remain with us always.  Please pray for me as I pray for all of you on the retreat.

-Marie