Week 1 - Part 5

As I finished week one I realized there was a path I was creating that includes water and the Holy Spirit.  My photo journey focused on my mother and going through my relationship with her, sometimes very good and other times sad.  But through it all my prayer images and thoughts included the hands of Jesus reaching out to me as I was sinking in water.  The last image was his hands holding a dove and the Holy Spirit pouring forth from it like water.  Pentecost is tomorrow and I’ve never been so excited to participate in the mass, it’s also my first in person mass since the beginning of the pandemic. I feel like this retreat and it’s timing in my life is a gift and I’m am grateful to be starting a new journey.  Our Lady of the Way, pray for me.

Weeks 1 & 2: I am a 62 year old single woman (by choice).  Last week started my 34 week Ignatian online retreat.

The first week consisted of looking back on your life.  The first two days were focused on memories from earliest childhood and adolescent years.  The next two were teenage and young adulthood followed by the next two days adulthood until present.  Sundays are not retreat days.

My earliest childhood revealed possible abuse from a relative.  Then, how much life changed as I knew it after my mom passed away when I was eight years old.  How much more things became really hard….and more abuse that really did happen. 

Sure, there were fleeting memories of happy times with my parents and siblings.  Fleeting.  My focus got stuck on those abusive experiences.

I was going to Sunday Mass and on holidays with an uncle who raised me and my brother.  I loved Mass.  I also remember going to a parochial school and on rainy or really cold or snowy days, I and another girl would go to Mass before school started.  I went because I wanted to, the other girl went to keep out of the elements!  I liked “Church stuff.”

My early adulthood brought memories of after the death of a person who was my boyfriend for a period of time (which I took very, very badly).  How life at home was not conducive to the healing of my emotions and feelings from those I needed the support from the most.  So, I went out a lot.  And wound up in a lot of sexual one night stands because I hurt so, so much and those brief interludes made me forget my hurt, but brought on much, much more pain because of the emptiness that those times lead to.  Looking back, it was a sad, sad separation from God.  Truly looking for love in all the wrong places.

Then after many wrong relationships, I met someone who I was involved with for about 17 years and felt I was in love with.  At first, I did not know he had a “main” girlfriend, and others on the side besides me.  I was definitely not practicing my faith during these years.  I cried to God a lot, while curled up on my bed on my birthday or holiday, because this man was nowhere to be found.  I would go to Confession on occasion and remember confessing the same thing over and over and over again.  I kept getting the same priest.  I mentioned that I kept getting him in the Confessional and mentioned he must be tired of hearing this from me all the time as I was tired of confessing it all the time.  I just could not break away from this man.  I really loved that man, but was deeply hurt and too afraid and weak to end the relationship because of his non-commitment to me and all the other women he had.

I remember telling God I would let the relationship die off on its own and when it’s done, I would come back to Church.  I didn’t want to be a hypocrite and also felt ashamed and embarrassed going to Confession over the same thing before I went to Mass.  It took about 17 years for that relationship to end.  I also promised, to myself, that it would be the last romantic relationship I would have.  At work, once, I found at the copy machine a printout of scripture saying, essentially, why seek the love of man when God’s love is so much greater; like an affirmation from God about my promise to myself about no more romantic relationships.  To this day, I cannot find that actual scripture passage in the Bible.  I did not come back to the Church for maybe a few years or so afterwards.  The uncle that raised me became old and frail and no longer able to take care of his home and barely himself.  I gave up my apartment and most of what I had and me, two cats, and belongings moved back home to this uncle to take care of him the best I could.  I went to Church sporadically.  My world ended when he passed away.  He was rough on me and my brother in our younger years, but we loved him dearly.  He was the father figure we never really had.  Five years or so after my mother passed away, my father met someone and within a month they married civilly.  She turned out to be a raging, mean alcoholic.  I lived with them for five weeks, my brother was old enough to decide he wanted to stay on with our uncle.  Five weeks later, I moved back “home.”  I felt all the pain and grief, and hurt from my childhood after my mother passed away was just continuing and every new thing was more pain.  Anyway, when I moved back home, I did not want to even talk to my father.  My stepmother, if I called them, would get on the phone and monopolize the entire conversation to the point where she just blabbed on and on, mostly badmouthing everyone in the family, and by the time my father got on the phone I was shot.  He didn’t say much and didn’t stick up for any of us either.  I gradually cut off communicating with them because of her, she was mean, foul mouthed and my father didn’t say a word.  I didn’t feel love for him then, which I think he sensed because he always would ask me to say I love him which I couldn’t do.  I hung up on him a lot.  My father passed away at the age of 94, after burying two wives, and had a girlfriend at the time when he died.  The night before he passed away, I made my peace with him.  We were on the telephone, as he was across the other side of the country.  I decided I was going to find and love the father I knew from childhood from when my mother was alive.  I was able to tell my father before he passed away that I DID love him.

During that 17 year relationship, I also had a friend who I enjoyed being with very much.  He was very funny, and Jewish, although not practicing his faith.  He lived with his father after he had two brain aneurysms and his mother’s passing.  I would every now and then go to a Passionist retreat in Jamaica, Queens, which he would deride me for to no end.  My faith wanted to break through and regain me, but there were many obstacles, other people, relationships (that were wrong ones) and mostly…me.  In the middle of all this I got pregnant by this person (even though I was dating two other people at the time) and was sure this person was the father.  He absolutely refused to get married and wanted me to get an abortion.  I was more than hysterically crying.  I could not go home to my uncle because I was still afraid of him (he was very strict in raising me and my brother), and my brother just got divorced and moved back home and home was all in turmoil, and now to go home with this news would add more turmoil at home.  So I agreed with the abortion.  I was numb, not thinking, and absolutely not in my right mind.  I remember the week after the abortion I wandered into a Church in the City (it was St. Patrick’s, I found out many years later…I was in such a fog that I didn’t even know what Church I found myself in) and I made my Confession.  It was of the utmost importance that I get my absolution, which I did.  I am still eternally grateful to God for that.

So, now after this uncle passed away, and I was in deep grief, I found myself frequenting places he enjoyed going to…Churches in the City and restaurants.  It was St. Francis of Assisi that he liked a lot and he took me and my brother and a cousin of ours there a few times when we were young.  I would visit there every now and then.  I would go online and check out their website and bulletin.  I came across information about their Secular Franciscan fraternities, a Church up the block (St. John’s) had meetings concerning the now Blessed Solanus Casey (Capuchin), and I read a book on his biography and was very attracted to this blessed person, who then was a Venerable.  I went to a Friends of Solanus Casey Guild meeting and met a person, Ray, who also was the Formation Director for the Fraternity of St. Benedict the Moore at St. Francis of Assisi Church down the block.  It was maybe a year and a half or so before I contacted Ray and said I was interested in that.  You go to their fraternity meetings at least three times, which are held once a month.  Then you go through a period of formation lasting, I think 2 years or so, before you profess into the Secular Order of St. Francis, which I went through and professed about three years ago.  If it were not for me going to  my uncle’s favorites, I would never have wandered into this and become a Secular Franciscan.  I kept my promise to God, and a little more.

I also eventually became an Extraordinary Ministry of Holy Communion at my parish and had just started training to distribute Holy Communion at the local nursing home pre-Covid.  Following in my uncle’s footsteps, yet again.

Now during this whole of last week, you are supposed to contemplate where God was present during all of this.  While I was focused on the bad stuff in my life, I said to God “How could You possibly be there during any of that, whether it was during abuse that happened to me as a youngster or all of those bad relationships I found myself in?  How could You even possibly look at me during any of that?”

Now it is Week 2 of this retreat.  You are supposed to go back a little deeper into what was reflected upon the week before, with some questions to reflect on.  A grace I received was this second week doing a re-review of my life…with what I said to God at end of Week one:  “How could You possibly be there during any of that, whether it was during abuse that happened to me as a youngster or all of those bad relationships I found myself in?  How could You even possibly look at me during any of that?”

I had an image come to my mind of Christ wearing his red robe, wearing the crown of thorns, standing in the praetorium, full-length image, looking directly at me.  It was an unsettling image to come to mind.  And it slowly dawned on me:  The Suffering Christ was standing there looking at me during my sufferings of childhood….He understood the suffering I was going through.   The Suffering Christ was standing there looking at me during my sinful, fallen away young adulthood, watching everything I did or about to do, and those fallen away, sinful times added to His suffering.  That part I felt so ashamed and more than embarrassed.

There happens to be a painter, Carl Bloch, who painted a wonderful depiction of Christ called “The Mocking of Christ.”  It is not a full length image, from what I can find on the Internet, but there He is in His red robe, wearing the crown of thorns, holding a reed and His gaze is focused on the viewer of the painting, with a Roman Soldier over his shoulder sneering and mocking Him….That is the closet that can get to what my image of the Suffering Christ was.  I also happened to find a reprint on sale on the Internet, which I ordered, and which I want to put in my bedroom.  A reminder the Suffering Christ is with me during ALL times.

I really can’t answer the other questions posed for Week 2, maybe the crossroads in my life is you would think is the abortion.  But it is not.  The crossroad, I feel, is when I professed into the Secular Franciscans.  Now with Covid going on, there is not a lot I can be doing as a Secular Franciscan, the meetings are via Zoom, but I am traveling back home from office work in the City.  By the time I get home, feed the cat, hookup to Zoom, the meeting is just about wrapping up.  I don’t go to St. Francis of Assisi’s food pantry to volunteer, because I am in a high risk for Covid, and want to limit my outside contacts to avoid exposure to the virus.  I am not actively participating in my ministry of Extraordinary Ministers of Holy Communion for the same reason, whether it is serving at Mass or visiting the local nursing home to distribute Communion.

I do accept who I am today, and think I have for a long time, but never really wanted to express it because it was painful to do so and felt the past is better in the past and why bring it up if I can’t change it.  Now, after this reflection, I accept my past and can talk about it if it came up (with a wince here and there).

The reluctance to talk about my past stems from when mother passed away and I was treated differently, as when my mother passed and the other school girls could not relate to not having a mother, so they didn’t play with me.  Another girl who was very intelligent but odd in an eccentric sort of way, had a similar experience because of her oddness, they didn’t play with her either.  I sought her out as a school friend.  Funny how she has popped up throughout my life when things got troublesome.  But all I wanted was to be accepted and treated like everyone else.  God has accepted and pursued me, then and now, gently leading me to a more faithful life, even with the struggles that entails.

Two days ago I started with the Online-Retreat. It works very well and I feel already much closer to God now.
In 1999 I could participate in the 36-Day Retreat at Jesuit Retreat Center Los Altos, CA. Many memories from this retreat are coming up. I am very grateful that I now have the opportunity to do my first retreat online.

Reflecting on this first week, I am reminded and assured that God has been with me in every step of my life. Not a tear has been shed, or laughter filled with joy that He has not been there right by my side. 

Where I struggle is feeling responsible for others in my life (ex husband, children, family). How responsible am I for them, especially if bad things happen to them because of their own decisions?

I know I simply need to be faithful, as an example and in speaking the truth, but it is very difficult to reconcile my inadequacies with that too. 

I will keep praying and moving forward! 

Week 1: I have done this retreat before several times as a way of centering me to keep God always close and I aways have difficulty with week 2  Week 1 is difficult going through the photo album.  In all the places of my life good and bad I never doubted God was with me guiding me loving me showing me the way.  I once watched a video I think it was called The Mission where one of the characters was carrying a huge sack filled with the sins of his life and eventually he realised the love God had for him and let the sack fall from his shoulders into the bottom of the sea it changed his life.  I always think of this when I think of my sins.  It doesn’t stop me from being ashamed but I know through it all I am loved.  I keep singing The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases His mercy never comes to an end it is new every morning new every morning great is his faithfulness.

This first week as I look back especially in my younger years in high school and college I realize how selfish and self-centered I was during those times. I have a hard time recollecting much that I did for others at that time. I am overwhelmed and in awe that I did not deserve God to continue to pour into me and give me all that I needed so that later I would become closer to him.For the first time I realized in the parable of the 99 sheep and the one lost one sheep. I was that lost sheep.

Week 1: I stumbled upon this retreat last night and am excited for this opportunity to reflect and grow in my relationship with God. For the past several days I kept hitting a bookmark that eventually led me here but I ignored opening it, ignored the pull I felt that it was an intentional message. I have a tendency toward wanting to do things obsessively and with perfect correctness even though I know that isn’t possible. I am struck with the irony that if I had listened the first time I would be starting this retreat just as it was beginning for this current year. As it is, I am on day one in the middle of the first week, already trying to figure out how and when I will catch up so that my timing is correct liturgically.
Then I read the first reading and was blown away by the message! Everything in it spoke to the interior battles I have been fighting, to the defeat and worthlessness I have recently come to accept as just a part of who I am and will be in this life. In recent weeks, I have been led to a deeply broken place in my heart and told to rest there, to get comfortable with my discomfort; I thought I would be in that place for the rest of my life, it was a truth about who I am and how I see myself. Yet in this reading it is as if God has said, “Hold on just a minute, I see you, all of you just as you are, and everything that has been hurting you so grievously...and I want you to know that I love you and am leading you forward, not despite all your misgivings but with every worry, fault and broken part of who you are, fully incorporated in my plans for you.” I do not need to worry about what day of the retreat I am on, I do not have to do it perfectly; His grace is with me in the now.
Thank you God for your love and your grace!

Week 1: God never ceases to amaze me! On Sunday, Sept. 13th, I stayed up late, frantically reading the topic for the 1st week, almost forgetting that I had committed myself to this 34 week retreat months ago. Next morning I woke up late. Missed Morning Prayer and Mass (completely forgot to set both of my alarms and...I was leading prayer! Eeks!). But my late start gave me an opportunity to sit with one of my elder Sisters, later that morning. By this time the thought of making the retreat had "retreated" far from my mind. Yet during the course of our conversation, we shared family memories from our childhood! And Like a flash, I remembered what I read the night before. Somewhere in the intro to this retreat a comment was made that God gives us so much in return for a little time or little change we make in our life to become more aware, more mindful of God's presence in our lives. It is so true! God will never be outdone in generosity. Today, I had a better grasp of making the topic for this week as the "background music" in my mind. God again helped me, gave me an opportunity, time for further reflection on my life's journey. God was with me in childhood, helping make to me who I am today. Yes, some of the memories are painful, yet the memories that came easily to mind helped me to see that I was never alone. I am grateful to God, yes indeed, for being with me every moment of my life.

Week 1: I just started going back through the exercises this week. I'm finding that this 2nd time around I'm going a little deeper. This 1st week is very difficult as painful memories come up that I really don't want to deal with. I'm finding myself feeling anger at my parents for things done during my childhood and it's very uncomfortable. However, I think this time, going deeper, will provide many more and deeper spiritual experiences.

Week 1: Nearing the conclusion of week 1, I know God is with me today and has always been with me. Notably, I found God present in my life during times I had previously felt alone with myself. I look back now and see that I sought God always as a child and adolescent. As a young adult, I turned to science, logic, ego and achievement. I succeeded in all and felt farther from knowing, meaning, gratitude and peace. I had to lose everything that mattered in my adult life and know despair before I turned to God and asked for help. Today, I am grateful.

Week 1: Midweek into the week one exercise, I have assembled, sorted, followed and come upon my memories and stories from infancy through adolescence. In addition to my daily readings and prayers, I read our readings here and say each morning, “Lord, I know you are with me today.” I understand today is always. More often than not I am reviewing my life and saying, “I know you were with me.” Blessed by his mercy, I am grateful today.

Week 1:  As I begin this journey, I feel profoundly grateful for the life I have been blessed with.  The Week 1 image, of mother and child, really made me feel emotional.  There aren't too many pictures of me when I was a young infant because I only weighed just under 2 lbs at birth and spent months in the NICU.  In 1978, the fact that I survived, is truly a miracle.  However, I can't help but wonder if I have put that "miracle" to good use?  I don't do anything extraordinary.  I'm a wife, a mother, a daughter, a granddaughter, a sister, a friend, a corporate worker, but I am not changing the world or making a huge difference.  I strive to live for the greater glory of God, but feel more often than not that I fail and lose sight of what is truly important.  I don't want to waste the miracle of my life, so I pray that God will help me to better recognize my gifts and help me to use them for His will.

The article "The Courage to Accept Acceptance" is really relevant for my family living with 2 children with a rare medical condition called glycogen storage disease (GSD). It's easy to fall into the trap of thinking that God is rejecting us when GSD hurts our kids in various ways, but we have to have the courage and faith to not buy into that lie and know that God is the only one who 100% accepts us for who we are. GSD isn't our punishment; it's part of living in a fallen world.

It seems in my own life, God has used our struggles with GSD as a testimony to His strength in our weakness and as an example to others of what it looks like to trust God even in the worst times. It still doesn't make me like GSD, but if God can use it to lead someone to him or to encourage them in some way, then it makes it more bearable lol.

On the other hand, I feel like sometimes I struggle with not being fully accepted by family, acquaintances, and some friends due to them not understanding or wanting to understand our insane lives with GSD. I have really only one close friend who completely gets it, and I often think about how nice it would be to have more face to face friends, but it seems so hard to do with GSD always on the mind. This can make me jealous and bitter or sad...something I'm working on.

It's also hard to make friends because most times I have to decline offers to go out if the kids are sick or having weird blood sugars...then people tend to assume you're never wanting to go out again lol! I've recently made a new friend at church who seems to "get it" and it has been a Godsend, but it's still weird for me navigating the friendship...I don't want to talk about GSD too much, but sometimes I need to...other times people ask about it, and I don't want to talk about it at all. There are times I just want to talk about "normal stuff" and not bring it up at all, even though something GSD related may be going on. Then there are coworkers, friends, and family who you think would ask you how it's going with the kids and GSD after a hospital stay, etc., but they seem to avoid it, and that hurts too. I overthink A LOT of things! So this question of acceptance is a big one for me, and I'm working on not needing this acceptance from people and trusting God instead.

Words multiply!  Does wisdom?
Chuckle.
Thank you Creighton for making this Walk available to an 84 year old Protestant lady who has begun going to seminary.
Our Triune God is calling so many of us older folks….
He has something for us to do. 
May we walk where he asks us to walk.
The Ignatian Walk has truly enriched and broadened my faith.
Jesus is Lord. 
Eleanor from South Dakota

Week 1

This is the beginning of a new year and I hope, a new direction in my life. The last ten years have had their challenges. It contained the end of a thirty-five year marriage; the purchase of a new home, ( which has been named the Cloister) the returning to an empty house each day, the breaking of bread each day, alone. I live in a province where I have no family. We had no children.

There are many close and wonderful friends, friends that have been the warp and woof of my life, for over four decades. I have two amazing siblings who live in different provinces, but with whom I have regular contact. My life is an abundant one. Over these last ten years I have led groups, done the Camino, visited Oberammgeau, travelled extensively, hiked, read, prayed and grown. I have learned to change furnace filters, set up my sprinkler system, buy items such as hot water tanks, air conditioners, appliances and floor coverings. The  kitchen and baths have been remodelled and I purchased a new vehicle in the frozen depths of an Alberta winter.

As I begin this online retreat, I look back on a life that for the most part was full, rich and filled with God’s graces. My parents were strong Christians and from a very early age, I was aware of the goodness and graciousness of God’s presence in my parents’
lives.  We lived a comfortable middle class life and the cozy family embrace of life in the fifties and early sixties, cocooned me.  My time at University challenged me and also provided many good times, filled with friends and activities. 

This is a new decade for me, a decade for last hurrahs. I am 71. I am active and healthy.
There are no medications in my bathroom drawer and for all these things, I thank my God, Mary, my Guardian Angel and Saints. They have enveloped me with love, patience and graces, far beyond, what I deserve. Each day I thank God for His countless blessings, His goodness and His providence in my life. There are so many with so little, I have received much.

I'd like to share my Week One retreat with you. So far the retreat is going well, reflecting on my earliest memories until the present time. I was easily filled with joy at those happy times and the happy times I forgot I had, a joy infused nostalgia. One thing that stood out was that God was active at my early childhood through Art and Prayer; I remembered so strongly the time that I consecrated myself in prayer to Him at around 7 or 8 even though I had no idea what it meant, and its probably the reason that I could'nt forget my relationship with God altogether even though God took a back seat during the tumultuous life of puberty and early adult years.

Recalling the sad memories wasn't hard either and the painful feelings associated with it. Family misunderstandings, bullying, temptations, illness, etc. God was faithful at those times even when I wasn't. And when I was old enough to understand, it was through the same problem God brought me back to Him and now start taking Him seriously. My relationship with God is still a work in progress and I believe will always be, but one thing's for sure, God sure is not in the backseat anymore, thanks to Our Lady.

I am in the first week and grateful that I found this online retreat. I need to discern as there are stirrings inside me that I need to take on a different pathway of my life to move into mission and humanitarian service. As I reflected on my past life for the first week I realized how our Lord had been with me guiding me gently in the ups and downs of my life.How in the past years, events had actually happened so that I would grow stronger in my faith. It’s been difficult to focus on the retreat in the busyness of my life but even while I struggle I know our Lord is there guiding me. I find the prayers and readings in the first week particularly helpful.

Mary
Penang, Malaysia

Week 1:

Several years ago I did this retreat and enjoyed it immensely. On 16 August my beloved husband of 45 years died, after a year of coping with COPD and cancers in various places. I thought I would find some consolation in doing this retreat again.
Jenny Wilson, New Zealand.

Week 1:
Just stumbled on this online retreat by chance tonight before going to bed. As it happens, I was putting together a photo album of pictures of when I was a child tonight-strange coincidence then that the first theme used this analogy. Then I read one of the readings about God being with us as we walk through the fire - I again coincidently was reading that passage in a book last night by chance.
Gives me hope that God has used these synchronicities to show he is with me. I need hope … I believe, help my unbelief!

Week 1

Thank God I found this retreat on line.  I wanted to go on retreat during spring break, but was working so hard, I didn’t take time to make plans.  So I found myself at home online trying to find a place to go on retreat.  When I could not find a place near my home, I finally decided to try to find an online retreat.

Wow! Was I lucky!  The Jesuit influence in my life has been huge!  So when I saw the word Jesuit I clicked on Creighton’s online retreat and there was an answer to prayer.  This first week has been very difficult to me with so many sad memories from my childhood, but memories still of a mother who tried to do her best to create a home filled with FAITH AND GOOD FOOD despite being repressed and abused by my father..  Despite the dysfunctionality of our family life and our poverty, she took us to church and gave us a good formation in the Catholic faith.  I will be forever grateful to her for those two gifts.

What has finally emerged from the memories is a realization that even though I did not open myself in prayer to God, HE was always working  through other people and my own perseverance to help me grow and survive. 

WEEK ONE
Flipping through the photo album held many surprises. I saw things that I hadn’t remembered for a very long time, delightful things. With an overall impression of a sad childhood, this was a grace. As I continued through the years, the photos got more difficult to look at. Even the happy moments had an undertone of pain. I didn’t want to continue the exercise. I never made it to present day photos, and I think that’s ok. I think that’s all I can handle. Today I begin Week Two, with a bit of trepidation, but I will begin. 
Linda in MO

Week 1

Growing Well here I am at the end of week 1, and I praise God for answering my prayer to receive the Grace which was sought for this week. It hasn’t been easy, but I was able to find times of joy and love where in the past there has only been pain, sorrow and resentment.  Thank you to all who organise this retreat.
On Thursday I walked in the fog on the beach in the early morning, and it came to me that during my life there was a time when I was walking in a fog where God wasn’t able to be seen. He would occasionally come into vision but I would pass Him by unnoticed. He remained with me throughout this time patiently waiting for me to recognise him, welcome him and set up a conversation and relationship with HimSteadfast and loving me even though I was living a life far from his ways of love.
Now that my relationship with God the Father,Son and Holy Spirit is established and  growing, I can see how God has blessed me through the good times and bad. Today is an amazing day and I look forward with confidence and hope to the coming week.
God bless you all

Jane

Week 1:

During this first week, this quote appeared in my Facebook feed, and it seems particularly appropriate:
       JOURNEY OF THE SOUL
“One of the qualities that you can develop, particularly in your older years, is a sense of great compassion for yourself. When you visit the wounds within the temple of memory, you should not blame yourself for making bad mistakes that you greatly regret. Sometimes you have grown unexpectedly through these mistakes. Frequently, in a journey of the soul, the most precious moments are the mistakes. They have brought you to a place that you would otherwise have always avoided. You should bring a compassionate mindfulness to your mistakes and wounds. Endeavor to inhabit the rhythm you were in at that time. If you visit this configuration of your soul with forgiveness in your heart, it will fall into place itself. When you forgive yourself, the inner wounds begin to heal. You come in out of the exile of hurt into the joy of inner belonging.”  John O'Donohue, Excerpt from Anam Cara

Week 1:

Greetings from England. It is such a privilege to take this retreat in daily life , and I have to say, that the generosity of the Jesuits, in making this course available for free, is staggering .!!

I have just come to the end of my first week . Very uncomfortable airing painful memories, but taking Jesus with me and imagining Him there as the events took place was a great comfort. Just to see Him walking with me in the times when I thought I was abandoned, and to see the Lord carry me when I was too exhausted to go on, was a revelation. As for the times when I made idiotic decisions and regretted all the mistakes I had made, Jesus' response was compassion not judgement. This brought so much healing !  A week of being invited to forgive those who hurt me and to seek forgiveness too. I am so thankful for the love God has shown me !

I started week one yesterday, after searching for a long time for a prayer programme that would help me commit to daily prayer that helps me get to know Jesus better.  I feel blessed to have found this online retreat in daily life.  I so often feel like my life is meaningless and I wish I could find what my purpose for life is, in the eyes of God.  Dear Jesus, please help me to persist in seeking your purpose for me, and help me most of all to keep my eyes on you, on your works rather than worrying about other earthly matters that so often distract me from what is more important.  Please also stay close to all those who are doing this online retreat so that they too may get to know you better and be able to serve you with peace and joy in their hearts. Thank you Lord for loving us so much :)

I've started week 1. 
I love the picture. At this time in my life, my best friend, with whom I always talked "spiritual talk" with whenever we would go on our neighborhood walks together has pulled away from me. We've been walking/talking partners for over six years. 
She's starting pulling away from me back around Advent and it hurts.
However, I've concluded that maybe we've changed; that I have become kind of tiresome. Perhaps I need to be a better listener.
Anyway, this first week leaves me with the feeling that God's my friend. He's so accepting. Always has been. 
I'm looking forward to walking and talking with Him, and all of you on the journey.
I'll keep you in my prayers. God go with you all.

Week 1 - My birthday is tomorrow. My mom visited with me.  She always reminds me that it was  very cold the day I was born and how happy she was that I was her valentine baby; how I  was special because I was her first born.  Hey, there are graces and difficulties that come with that so I'll take the graces too😊. She always speaks so lovingly of how blue my eyes were and how platinum blonde I was ( cotton top) and how she longed to hold me.  She had a cold so back then she could only look at me for several days as a precaution.  Today she also talked about how my grandpa would ask if I was sleeping better at night because she said I moaned and made fussy noises all night which woke her repeatedly. When she'd honestly tell him " not really", he would just silently nod his head in acknowledgement of her struggle. So like my pa-pa.❤ In those days it wasn't common for men or fathers- in law to bother with such things but then he wasn't just any grandpa. He had a soft heart and he had a soft spot for me because, u see, I was his first grandchild. It renews my faith in the power of our souls to persevere for I was born during difficult times. In spite of that there were tender moments of caring and  love galore. God blessed me with a family who loved me and each other unconditionally.  Not perfectly of course for difficult times bring out the good and the bad in each of us. But they loved faithfully.- to each other and to our Lord.  And so they taught me and now I teach my family to love the same way.  What a huge blessing God has bestowed upon us.  That, in a "nutshell", is the story of my life.

Week One:

It is always powerful to reflect on the beauty of God’s presence throughout my life.  I have done the Creighton retreat twice before and decided since I have had a rough few years of care taking others that I needed to care take of myself.  My reflections on my life show me that my childhood was charmed and full of love.  God was present in the faith of my parents who shaped me in to the person I am today.  They allowed me to grow in God’s love and yet, provided a strong framework to grow within.  Family is everything in my life.

My father was a physician and a true Christian man who placed his skills in the hands of his maker.  Dad knew that God was in control.  He taught me that my life was not my own but that aI was a vessel of God.  He always told me to live until I died. I use these truths in my life today although sometimes it is hard to be the vessel.

I recently lost my brother who was just two years older than me—my first playmate.  I was his caretaker for 10 years and served as his POA.  I had a difficult struggle with decisions at the end of his life as he revoked his DNR.  I did everything to keep him alive and while we could not communicate (because he could not), I kept praying that God would help me through this most difficult struggle.  It was one of the worst experiences of my life.  I still regret not being able to talk to him and have him speak back. Even though I told him I loved him a million times, I know he heard me — it was and still is hard not to hear it back.  I know he is with my father in heaven. I know his body is restored to health and that he is at peace.  I am still  not at at peace myself. I miss him everyday and wonder if all the decision making is what he wanted.  My prayers still are that God would restore me.  I still care take two mothers who are in their 90’s — mine and my husband’s.  I find it hard to grieve in the midst of the constant care taking and decision making.  The struggles are real.  I was with my father in law through his cancer death til the end.  God placed me in a very difficult care taking role at this stage of my life and yet, He gives me strength through it all.

I reflect on how blessed I was in my youth through my 50’s.  My 60’s have been hard. Health concerns have caught up with me as well.  Smiling and laughing are not always easy.  Living — as my dad would have said — is what I am trying to do despite the care taking.  Heavy decisions and burdens tend to rule my days.  Even though I know this sounds somber and even depressing, I know God is walking with me and I know that this too shall pass. I will not have regrets.  Everything has a season.  Each cross draws us closer to our Lord.  I look to Our Lady often and offer up the burden thinking of the crosses she bore in silence, perhaps. 

The pictures of my life reflect a happy, young woman who has been richly blessed with a faith filled life and a loving family.   As I have grown older, the pictures of happiness are fading some, but the glow of Our Lord is stronger and ever present.

Week One:

I am in my 83rd year and I thought, O no! Here we go again! A life story.  Yet, I was struck by how, through the good and the not so good, God was there and with me. I was reinforced in my belief that God loves me and is a full, deep comfort in my life.

Week 1:

I have done the 19th Annotation twice in the past 20 years. I began today ... this retreat feels so relaxing ... maybe I am different than when I have prayed this retreat in the past. This morning’s prayer doesn’t feel like a repeat. It feels new. Thank you Lord Jesus. Keep me faithful please!

Week 1

I'm so glad I'm doing this retreat. Even in the times I feel like I don't want to keep it up, or it's not really doing it for me, once I get back into it, I'm refreshed. I think one of the best things I've gotten out of it so far, is how I look at the MS in my life. It's only taken me 3 years (since being diagnosed), but I've finally figured out that it doesn't define me. And in the end, being healthy or not doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter. Living my life to serve God is what defines me. And following Jesus on my path to heaven is what matters. And that happens regardless of MS, or really regardless of whatever struggle I have. I must take up my cross and follow Jesus. And I'm thankful to be on this journey, where everything is a gift, but above all these gifts, is the giver of all gifts.

So, all that is easy to say, but harder to live every day. So I guess I'll just take it one day at time!

Week 1: Looking back on some parts of my past was like having my eyes opened to things that I've been blind to during that time. Suddenly, my childhood and teenage years were not as bad as I thought they were. Along the way, I have somehow managed to convince myself that I was someone to be pitied for all the bad things that have happened to me. But taking a closer look made me realize that my life was a mix of bad and good. Also, I was able to suddenly see how self-absorbed, selfish, dramatic and inconsiderate of others I had been during my teenage years. There were things that, if I realized earlier, I would have done differently. Then there were my adult years. I've done many things I'm not proud of. I've manage to break myself and violate who I am in the last 7 years of my life. I thought I wouldn't be able to look through these memories without feeling anger, resentment and bitterness towards myself. But I think praying and asking to be guided before reviewing my life helped. It was through His grace that I've been made to see more of the whole picture, that my false memories were somewhat corrected and balanced, that I've been spared from my harsh judgement, that I am made to feel love and acceptance from Him who have been there with me even before I learned of Him. As I am about to start the second week, I could feel how grateful I am for all that I have receiving, and I look forward to the coming weeks with more hope and confidence. (KMF)

Week 1:

I’m late to this... but I don’t want to just jump in on the current week so I’m going to start at week one. 

My earliest memories were mixed.. coming from a family of 5 girls there was a lot of sugar but also a lot of spice.  My 3 older sisters could be very catty and mean and my mother rarely came to my rescue.  And so I tried to be invisible through much of my childhood.  Until I discovered... horses (no not boys : ).  My younger sister and I saved up our birthday, Christmas and allowance and bought a horse, Gina.  I can honestly say I sailed through adolescence because of that old mare,  but more than that, she taught me so much; ability to not take a back seat in my life, and yes, acceptance.  It always floored me this huge beautiful animal let me ride on her back when she could easily just say “no” and toss me off.  I’d like to think it’s about trust more than controlling another entity.  They say a horse needs to “accept the bit” in order to be a good ride.  But I think it’s about accepting the rider.  It’s humbling to think of the acceptance of these beautiful spiritual creatures and how they accept us... and how much more powerful to know that God accepts me. 

I found this week very powerful. I was able to look back at different events in my life and see the hand of the Holy Spirit guiding me.  Looking forward to week 2- Week 1

Week 1

Hi, I'm revisiting the spiritual exercises online, having undertaken it face to face -- a very, VERY long time ago -- with a spiritual director. I'm happy to see that, apace with today's connectivity, you can avail of more resources as well as bond and share your experience with other journeying souls.

I'm on the fourth day of Week 1. My learning so far is to try to live serenely in the sacrament of the present moment, to dwell in full trust and faith in who I am here and now. Because, as it is written, wherever we are and however we got here, "the place on which you stand is sacred ground." The Lord, who is "Himself the deepest Ground" of our being, "in whom we live and move and have our being," is in us, ever one with us, and looking out for us.

It kind of puts a momentous twist into how we inhabit every second of our lives.

Did you see the scene in the movie, "Dr Strange," where Tilda Swinton, as the Ancient One, and Benedict Cumberbatch slip into eternity and share a serene, unhurried conversation on a hospital balcony the very second before she dies on the operating table...?

I'm very excited at the prospect of getting back on track. Things happened, as they tend to do in life, and I've been knocking about on various side roads and alley ways. I do remember my first Ignatian retreat as soul-opening... as scary and thrilling as rollercoaster ride.

But, by golly, and I know this to be true: If you let God, you may rise, you may fall and, like Dr Strange, you may grope, fumble, and stumble. And, yes, you may just get a chance to step into eternity.

Week 1:

I'm beginning the retreat today. Acceptance is trusting, tolerating the annoyances, doing the task instead of complaining about it. Doing it for Christ rather than for another's appreciation, recognition. Richard

Week 1:Hello! Thank you again for this opportunity to dig for some amazing treasures. God has lead me in so many UN-expected ways these days! I decided to re-embark on this retreat for 2013 and to make it a year-long retreat. At one point, I became anxious, frustrated at certain tendencies, habits, and faults that remain with me. I heard God say, "Natalie, it's only January! We have a whole year to go!" I also became overwhelmed with the abundant graces already showered upon me. I completely forgot it's only been a week, because it feels as if God filled my life with a year's worth of gifts! Perhaps you understand. Let us all continue on with God in His time and with his nudging!--Natalie 

Week 1: I have read a few of the sharing entries, and they all seem so upbeat, happy, and optimistic; however, as I began the retreat, I seemed to focus on the negative parts of the pictures of my life.  Even when I pictured the happy times, I placed some sort of restriction on the picture with how I somehow failed even then.  I do not have a spiritual director or anyone to really talk to about my spiritual life or lack of it.  I am hoping that through this retreat I become more willing and able to love myself and to believe that God loves me in spite of me.

Week 1: Today is Day 3 of my Lenten journey.  Am relieved to know I'm not alone in this time of reflection; that my fellow Catholics and Christians are also seeking renewal, redemption and restoration of their souls.  Am hoping to hear from others as we journey together. - Marti

Week 1: Hello, I started the online retreat yesterday. I have been reflecting on my childhood, precisely my conception and time in the womb. Although I do not remember my time in my mother's womb, I have renewed awe at the purposes of God over my life. How He decided which ovule and sperm would form me. Even as scripture says how He "knit me together in my mother's womb". I have renewed respect and gratitude for my mom and her nurturing role while I was in her. Just reflecting on that has filled me with so much hope and worthiness, that God conceived me in love and has a purpose for my life. I pray that you feel encouraged as a worthy child of God.
- Blessings!

Week 1: In trying to reflect on memories of my childhood, I realized that I have very few memories of my childhood. I am one of nine children and I guess my parents were busy as I really don’t have any recollection of being a child or doing things with them. The “pictures” I see are the pictures I’ve been shown, me in a stroller, me at my First Communion, me on a toboggan. It’s depressing to me that I’ve come face-to-face with this in one way. In another way, I feel blessed that I became great friends with my brothers, sisters and parents in my adult years.The reflection has reminded me that God has been with me through it all even when I closed the door or when I was unworthy of His time.

Week 1: The half way point has been reached. By many people and even By me Not through my own efforts as the distraction of life and a fertile ground for bad as well as good seed has created a patch overgrown with weed and flowers and grain. The Great Harvester will separate the chaff from the grain. That's not why I am writing for the first time. No, it's not for self- revelation. It is to call attention and witness a Providential Moment, His action and not mine.
On this grey cloudy drizzly day so unusual for Houston, I want to thank Providence to part the mental clouds and show a glimpse of the path the Way. The patron saint of the Doubter, Theresa of Calcutta who walked that unlikely path from Albania through imaginary Loreto to real Calcutta. It's not what we want and not the way we want it. It is for the greater glory of God. My participation in the Retreat has been fitful so far. Yet the prayers for this 18 th week spoke directly for my life here and now   Coincidence in the world of misty cloudy appearances, an act of unmerited Grace in the sunshine of Reality. As the drizzle descends again, may we have His everyday grace to follow the Way for His greater glory and for our witness to  His reality for whatever Calcuttas of our own He calls us to attend. Tom from Texas.

Week 1: The sharing pages have inspired me to share.  It is definately difficult to find the hidden tendencies for sin, at least for me.  One of my biggest repetitions of sin is irritableness, which is really pride.  When I am irritable with others, I am basically asking myself ,"Seriously, are they that inept?",  As if I could do better. Also, I have discovered myself to be extremely self-seeking.  It's strange that I found pride in myself, because I always suffered from low self-esteem.  I discovered the reason possibly, was that when I was a young girl, my family would watch people in malls and such, and critize them for the way they dress, or their weight, or whatever.....  I suppose that I wondered who was talking about me...which lead to a insecurity in me.  It was pretty selfish.  I am grateful for this retreat, and hopeful that I will grow in holiness. Peace be with you.

Week 1: This is day 3 of Week One for me. I live in North Wales and look across the valley to the Snowdon Range. Easy here, to lift up my eyes to the hills. Thinking about my teenage years - long before teenagers had been invented - I see a lonely, only child, surrounded by friends, my loving mother made sure of that, but somehow isolated.
Among my readings today I came across 1 Peter 2:11 "Dear Brothers, you are people who do not belong to this world. You are like visitors who are on a journey." I first learned of the Spiritual Exercises many years ago but I thought they were too Catholic and too difficult. Now that I have found them again my initial reaction was regret that it had taken so long but I am learning to realise that I have been lead to them exactly the right stage of my journey. May God bless all those of you at a similar stage on your journey. We are none of us "lonely onlies."

Week 1: Hi. I started the retreat sometime ago and reached week 12.  I got distracted as I became overwhelmed with the struggles that I started facing at that time. While things are not back to normal, I have decided to restart this program this week.  I ask for your prayers to complete do the retreat this time.  Pray also for me that my worship be acceptable to God and that He will look with favour on my supplications.Thanks.

Week 1: Dear Joyful people of Christ,
It gives me joy to share that as I was googling for some tips on lectors, I came across this site and I was very much interested in the online retreat, without hesitation, the click of the button led me to all that I have been searching for. During the past few months, I have been anxiously waiting to make a retreat because I have been quite disturbed, but the Word of Lord kept me going . when I read “THE COURAGE TO ACCEPT ACCEPTANCE” I suddenly felt a sense of peace and certain areas of my life opening which I had closed due to a lot of reasons then. Though by God’s grace I have been using my talents for His service and unto others but yet deep within I have been missing something very special in my life. I know my Lord works for the good of me to provide me with the best.

I felt Jesus very close to me and last evening during my family prayer I just kept saying “Jesus I love you” so freely and whole-heartedly without any doubt or problem. Though I have read Isaiah 43: 1 – 4 several times but yesterday while reading it I was very touched especially the lines : “To me, you are very dear,
And I love you. That’s why I gave up nations And people to rescue you”.

I hope and pray to complete this retreat and share my experience to you all.

Lilian, Mumbai, India.

Week 1: I try to remember my life events and see non in my infancy. At the stage at which I begin to remember events it is like all I remember really are the bad times. Those times I have sinned and those times I have been bad to others. I have to push myself to think that I have parents that bought me good food, clothed me, sent me to school. Is it that this is because I take good for granted and rarely want to appreciate?

And when I force myself to think of the good I still mix it all up. I remember the times I have played games and I ended up injured. Some fears come. My dreams of hell, my passing at schools, drama at primary and college, my drinking and smoking (how I regret this). This and that sin, my love for church those early morning masses. And I ask “Lord why am I so confused and a mixture of good and evil. A devil and an Angel?”

I look at the picture. I ask myself why does God hold and love me like a baby? What good do I do him? Then I asked myself why do I love my children? The answer immediately came that it is because that my children are mine and that that knowledge alone makes me happy and drives me to want to sustain them. And God on me, how is his love for me? Is it not the same?

I try every day to reflect on my life and all the scenes that come strong are of my wrong side of life. That is me. And I bring to God that me to make me into what he would want me to be. Am I sorry? I am not sure? Does it make me feel bad? Yes it does make me wonder why only the bad come when there are so many times when I have been good. Psalm 8 has been particularly strong in my mind this week. “Who is man (Evaristo) that God should love him so? Who am I that I should be loved so? Lord may I recognize your personal call to me. May I know what you mean by “Evaristo you are my beloved, in you I am happy”. May I know your love for me so that I may do good because you love me and not because I love you. Looking at my life Lord I see that I have struggled enough to love you but have failed.

And with all my sin I read this scripture that says “fear not little flock, for it is your Father’s desire to give you his Kingdom. Sell what you have, give alms, get purses which do not grow old, put your treasure where there are no thieves. Where your treasurers are, there your heart is also”. Whaw! Consoling indeed, I do know that I am in a constant desire for God and my heart really is there, but I need to work on my actions too. These actions I need to sell away.

Week 1: I am beginning this retreat on the threshold of going into the hospital for hip-replacement surgery. I will have spare time during the rehab and I want to fill it not with random thoughts that can be anxiety ridden and scary. I remember St.  Ignatius saying that those thoughts come from the evil Spirit. I pray to be filled with the thoughts that come from the good Spirit filled with peace and joy. My earliest memories are filled with faces of people who either bring up warm feelings of having been nurtured,accepted and loved. Others bring up memories of fear of anger, sadness, fear and not feeling safe.  An act of faith that Jesus was with me through

God bless.

Week 1: Today is the second day of my retreat. I feel I am embarking on a long journey and coming to God at a very insecure time in my life. Questions like am i with the right person? Did i make a mistake choosing my dream? Should I go be with my family and give up? come into my mind. I moved to a city where I could pursue wholeheartedly the career of my dreams with hope in the Lord and things have not panned out the way I hoped they would. It's been very hard letting go and accepting that.  Sometimes I feel I have no support and the past three years of my life have been plagued with fear, anxiety, nostalgia, and doubt. I have developed a phobia and I've had restless nights. I'm choosing to put God first again and I'm hoping he will see. So far I got a moment of peace I hadn't had in years. I just want to feel God again and see Him working in my life. I feel so alone without Him.

Week 1: This is day one.  I have started this retreat before and always stopped at about week 12 or so.  I want to go thru all the way.  One person's sharing helped me see that I may end up taking 344 weeks.  I know that the journey is worth it.  It always has been.  I want to connect with my faith in a deeper way.  The sexual abuse scandals have blocked my relationship to the faith that has stood the test of time, the practices/rituals that have brought us, individually and as a church, through difficult times.  

I think that using this place to read and share will help me stay with this opportunity to grow deeper in my life and faith.  Look at me!!! I'm already letting others in to teach me and to share my thoughts about my journey.  The retreat is already making a difference in my life!

Peace to all of you -
Tonia

Hi

I'm trying this again and need a connection so I have some accountability to keep it going. I'm going to start with Week 1 and keep a journal on my phone.

Thanks

I too didn’t get much from Week 1, but that was mostly due to my not putting in the time and not finding the readings that were meant to guide us.  But I am going to keep going.   I know there is a reason God led me to this retreat.  I came across it because I was feeling very distant from God,  felt I needed some type of “plan”, that just praying more wasn’t going to do it.    I googled finding God in 30 days and that’s how I came to be here.

I will be praying for all my fellow retreaters – that we all get out of this what God intends for us to.

Have a blessed day,
Theresa