These first set of readings were, at first, difficult for me to relate to. But after praying, and talking to Father Andy, I realized there have been times in my life where I have been the chief priest. Looking back I have asked God for guidance and answers to my prayers but refused to look into my own heart and hear the truth. I would be like the chief priest who dared God to speak. I would plead to the Lord, saying, "you have spoken before to many. Please speak to me now, give me guidance."
Speak to me like you did to Moses, and I would look for a burning bush.
Speak to me like you did for Joshua and I would look for walls collapsing.
Speak you me like you did for Galilee and I would look for waters to be calmed.
Looking back now, I realize God did hear me, and He did answer. He sent fire to a heart close to mine. He brought down walls not of stone or brick but of hurt and anger. He stilled the storm not of a sea but of my soul. Yet every time God answered I would deny Him. I would deny the fact that God had spoken. God would keep speaking to me too, but I was so focused on looking at bushes, not hearts, walls of stone, not hearts, and seas, not souls, that I tuned Him out. I often wonder in these moments of frustration, when I felt like God was not answering my prayers, did God look down from heaven asking me with a tear, "have you lost your sense of hearing?"
Dear Lord, I am sorry. I am sorry for all of the times I questioned you then denied hearing your voice. I no longer want to question your love for me. You have carried me through every storm and have held my hand through the fields of flowers. Help me learn to hear your voice; recognize the ways in which you call my name. Help me see you in others around me. Help me pour out your love to others. And let me give this day to you.
In your name,