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Week 1 |
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I am still at Week 1 three weeks after starting and really upset. The crowding in of images of physical damage, physical hurt and physical abuse surprised me, as I had believed through therapy and working through the countless events of emotional and psychological cruelty I suffered at the hands of the significant adults and my siblings in the light of acknowledgement of the reality and the granting of forgiveness that this part of my life had all been sorted. With the view of "life, the universe and everything" that I had developed from my life experiences - not only was I not accepted for myself, I was not much loved by the people around me and I WAS NOT SAFE in my own home or abroad. Even the little homily, that I had to have courage to accept acceptance cut me to the quick. Bad again. I do not know acceptance and have not realized it or internalized it. This is like a dark night of faith. God accepts me as I am, I reckon this as absolute truth and it has nothing real for me except as another failure on my part to be aware of and grateful for His boundless Love. During this week one of retreat I have learned that by looking back at my past I have been able to understand why certain things happened in my life. Through the struggles in life I was able to see that God was trying to show me his will for me and allow me to see my true gifts that he has given to me. I also learned that each of us has to have gratitude for the gifts we do have and through our gifts we can help others in the way God would want us to. Each of us needs to be grateful for the gifts that God has given us and not dwell on the gifts we do not have ("We need to have the Attitude of Gratitude"). This phrase I learned on this past weekend when I made retreat with my Church Ministry group. The theme tied into what we learned during week one of this on-line retreat. I definitely know God is making his prescence known to me through other people, words and events that are happening in my life. Another thing I learned is that we must always be open to God because he is a loving and accepting God. By being open we can see God's message and feel his prescence within us. -- Kim I realised, in a deeper way than I had before, and with a sense of excitement, that God had always been present in my life, even in those painful moments, even in those moments when I was not turned to God. At no time was he not there with me - at no time did he turn away from me. I feel as if he is inviting me to revisit those moments when I was not able to let God be present to me, or did not want God to be present to me. It is not too late to let God fill those parts of my life with his presence. It is not too late to let him transform them... lead into gold as in the alchemists’ dream. The alchemists dreamed a fool’s dream because they could not change lead into gold no matter how hard they tried. But God can. He can touch all that is lead in my life and turn it into gold. He invites me to let him touch those parts of my life that still weigh me down. I also have a desire to look into how God has done that in the past. How has he taken the brokenness, the sadness, the sense of loss, the fears, and even the sins and used them to build even what is good in me. There is also
in all of this an invitation to let myself be transformed even more
by God’s touch. To let him touch my life where I have, as yet,
not let him enter because I could not believe – deep down where
parts of me are still hiding from him – that he would want to
be with me, to accept me, and to love me. The past few years have brought nothing but rejection and loss. Once active and enthusiastic in my parish, I have become an outcast. The article on acceptance neatly summarized both my pain and my desire. Tom, Pennsylvania
I just finished my first week of the retreat and I thank God for the
oportunity. I do not believe in coincidence but that there is a purpose
for everything.If we seek God will give us the means. In any case
when starting the picture story of my life I thought my sitiuation
was unique until I read some of the sharings.My childhood was filled
with much pain and suffering.I always wondered where God was in all
of that. I am just beginning to realise that God was the one who brought
me through it all and brought me to this place where I can share and
tell people and incourage others not to give up on the Lord. He truly
is there. We must always persevere no matter how difficut the situatation.
I am looking forward to the rest of the retreat. This morning while I was lying on the couch in my husband’s lap, a familiar smell drifted into the living room from outside. At first I couldn’t quite place it, but I soon figured it out. It was just like the smell of the tractors and equipment on my Grandpa’s farm. It was a mixture of tool shed and freshly tilled soil. A smell I had long forgotten. The memory pictures came flooding back…. My Grandpa Earl Colleen Ok,
I am printing all of week 1 up at the moment and
the thought that just strikes me is that I'm not sure I want to do
it. Early in the week I remembered harsh words I said to some friends when I was about 10, and how often that kind of scene has been repeated in one form or another in my life, with painful consequences. But instead of sternness, I felt Jesus' compassion when we looked at these moments together. Perhaps He's been waiting to heal me of this for a long time. Thank You, Lord, for Your patience and care. I pray that God will give me the courage to continue the 34 week program. I started today. As I was reading "Accept Acceptance...," I started crying because I don't know if I want to review the photo album of my life. I have so many painful memories. I realized that I have been wanting my family to accept me. My decisions revolve around the need to be accepted. Thank you for the opportunity to do a retreat on-line. I like the method of contemplation in the ‘empty spaces” of my life … driving, walking through airports … Indeed I found it quite energizing. Sometimes order appeared in my photos – pages for childhood sports, schools, family, family vacations, with friends. At other times, the pictures were more muddled … maybe clashing together … hard to distinguish. Not all of the times that I thought would be painful were as painful … the journey has been not so bad after all. My early work days and especially when my children were young … while graced … were less distinct … lots of travel … work … only vague memories of people outside work from these days. But life skills are still developing. The next stage seemed more distinctive and form filled … maybe start of another guided journey. Certainly when I choose to be a member of a community the form of my life is more defined. As I reflected
with my spiritual companion the less graced and the graced sometimes
appear together. God can use our less graced moments. In the joy of
finding grace even in the less graced moments I see that it is not
so much that we discover God but God discovers us … or maybe
more accurately that I discover that God was there and trying to discover
me all along. As I begin with week 1 of this journey. I have thought so much about who I was growing up. All I wanted to be, all I tried to be. Things I couldn't give up. I have seen God looking upon me even when I was so distant. But now how can I begin to thank God for who I have become. For showing me that I am nothing. That being nothing is wonderful. Thank you God because now that I realize all I have comes from you. Thank you for loving me even when I couldn't love myself. Praise God! We are using this for a small faith sharing group I belong to. We met last night and shared our experiences. I was touched by the honesty of the sharing. I learned things about my group members memories that I had never known. I was very touched and we all felt so close to one another. We all appreciated having "memories" be the background of our week experience. This online retreat is a precious gift already! The Lord gave me a quick and strong mind and body. Many times in my life, some quite recent, I have enjoyed these and flaunted them without remembering that they are gifts to me, no accomplishments of mine. Thank you Lord for the enjoyment of these graces, help me to remember that they are gifts to cherish and use and that they are spiritually neutral – they neither make me better nor worse except in so far as I use for your purposes. I just happened across the online retreat this past weekend and with lots of prayer I am committed to completing the 34 weeks. My initial questions to myself was, "How will I know if I am changing". In The Courage To Accept, Acceptance we read that scripture contains the answers to the deepest questions. The following day I read in 2Corinthians 4: 16-18, We are not discouraged; rather, although our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this momentary light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to what is seen but to what is unseen; for what is seen is transitory, but what is unseen is eternal. Then I understood that God will know and will let me know!!! I just began the retreat today and as I looked through my life's photo book, I realized how blessed I've been. Although there have been many losses, my father died when I was almost four, my step dad died when I was 20, I know these pains have helped me to become a very compassionate person. But what I've always been grateful for is that I didn't have a mean, abusive step dad. We hear so many horror stories of abuse in step families, but I can only think of how he was a blessing over and over again. The pictures in my mind are of camping, traveling, family gatherings, delicious soup, hugs(once in a while) and laughs. When he died suddenly, I thought my life would be so empty! I know I missed a lot, like having him walk me down the aisle at my wedding, holding my children, etc..I don't want to dwell on what I missed, but what I was blessed with, even if it was for only 10 years. He's been dead for 25 years now and I will always love him. Shortly before my mom died two years ago, she was lying in her bed and dancing with someone. she had her arms reached out and they were held in such a way that no one who saw it could mistaken what she was doing. I believe she was seeing my step dad and doing what she loved to do...dance. it's another photo in my album I will always remember. Thanks for the opportunity to share! God bless all on the retreat of life!!! We are so human, and if we could all somehow tell how it really is with us, would there be a one among us form whom acceptance does not matter? On the other hand, what if we could all stand together, of one voice, perhaps stand next to the woman who lives in the desert and feels alone. What if we could breathe out, in one mighty breath, the Breath of God, the love we have and are, the Love that lives within us, to heal and make whole, to encourage, support and accept unconditionally every being on this tiny, sacred planet? What if? If we truly understood, could we ever feel alone? -- Sarah, Week 1 I have began the exercises today! (Sept. 21) - As I work on my lifeline - I recognize how gracious God has been to me, how God has been present to me from the beginning, even when things were bad in my life. I live 60 miles outside of New Orleans. I began by wondering where is God for the victims of Katrina? I have family that lost homes and jobs. I weep for the suffering of the people of New Orleans, especially the poor. As I continued praying this morning, I know that God is present to the people of New Orleans through me. I am called to be the "hands and feet" of God for my neighbors. I need grace from God, much grace, to live up to the answer of Isaiah, "send me!" -- Christine In early spring, I looked at this site and began with the 1st week. In reflecting upon my earliest life, so much became real to me.....especially the awareness that I was conceived in love and that this continues to this day. What a wonderful awakening! This is where I stopped. It is clear that I need to continue. So today is that proverbial 1st day. Journeying with each of you and with Jesus will be my delight. Blessings. My father was very strict. There was no such thing as an accident. Someone was always at fault, and it was never him. He expected his children to behave like adults. In many ways he expected us to be perfect. His temper was unpredictable and violent. Last night after a couple of days of reviewing my childhood, the grace came to me that I am still struggling to be perfect to win love. But I already have God's love as I am. If I continue to strive for perfection, to be holy, it should be out of my love for God, not because I need God's love and approval. I am looking forward to starting the on-line retreat tomorrow. I have been interested in Ignatian Spirituality for quite awhile and have used the Daily Readings for a long time. I have also used those of Mark Link, the Irish Jesuits and even the Jesuits in Singapore. I look forward to starting and hopefully completing this spiritual exercise. I also think it is neat that some of the resources are from Fr. Gillick whom I know. A few months ago I went to Demontreville and found that spiritually rewarding and hopefully this will be a continuation of the journey I have just begun. Hopefully I will continue on this road and will add another sharing soon.. Week 1 - This is the second year I have done this retreat, and I am more excited than ever to begin. I have missed the incredible closeness I felt to God and Jesus Christ during my first retreat. The experiences I had during my first retreat were sincerely life changing. Ask and you shall receive. If in your heart you really want to be closer to God, all you have to do is ask. Blessings to all who are doing this retreat. Each day I have for the last few years said a rosary for someone. In my journal I write the names for about 3 months ahead. Some have passed away and some are still here. When I decided to make this retreat, was when all the people of my childhood were on my list for this week #1. It seems that our Lord is leading me in this direction. -- Bonnie My look at my past life became very positive as I thanked God for all that had helped me grow, both the good and the bad. Perhaps the bad made me grow the most. I have read a book which says that God is love and gratitude is the only way to go. I recently picked up the book Living Devotions at my church. On Aug 11, I can across this web site and decide...this is what I need. The Lord has been so good to me...blessed us with Rain, good children, a loving husband...we have these out side problems that I seem unable to control with common sense, ignoring it....or doing something ....so my plan is I am going to pray these problems away.. I am praying that the Lord will send me the tools, the people, the resources, the ideas....to help solve these issues....They are very difficult to solve and in some case personally affect my life every single day....and I am wanting to learn how to stop them from being in my life...I want them to have no control over me. But I want you to know how good the Lord is first and for most. So I need to turn it over to HIM ...and we will have his protection and his will be done. Week 1 -- Sue The theme of acceptance is so crucial in our lives. The problems I encountered as a tiny child in a normal, modest, middle income family were from feeling unacceptable, ‘not good enough’, and wearisome. It makes me realize all of my life I have struggled for acceptance, trying to look good in others eyes, often oblivious to what I really wanted or what would be best. I didn’t grow inside as a person. I’ve felt stunted and misshapen. Our most basic need of acceptance can’t be supplanted with things like meals, shelter, and clothing. We can be cared for but uncared for at the same time. And the being ‘uncared’ for will always predominate. The
hurts still run deep. I find tears in my eyes, running down my face
while I pull out my memories and look at them. But it is good for
me to do this. It also helps me to understand why I need God so much,
why I rely on his Love to surround me and pick me up when I fail.
His acceptance teaches me that I am lovable and the gratitude I feel
overwhelms me sometimes, but in a powerful, good way. I went to a
workshop some years back and was asked to participate in an exercise
where each of us was to write or draw a timeline of our lives. During
the group sharing what I discovered was that I had included all of
the people in my life on my timeline that. I thought were important
and what impact they had had on me, yet I was the only one of the
group who didn’t start out with myself as an infant or young
child. When I looked again at my timeline, I WAS NOT ON IT AT ALL.
That spoke volumes to me. I had not yet learned to value or appreciate
or accept myself; not even in my own history. Week 1: I am so excited to be particpating in the on-line retreat. Spirituality is one area of my life that I need to concentrate on. I am in my early thirties and somewhere in my late teens Iost my way. I got involved in things I shouldn't have and made poor choices in my life. I stopped going to church, praying or really thinking about God at all. Over the past few years I have re-created my life and I know God has helped me/carried me. Yet, I still feel so alone and empty. I need to regain my faith in God, in myself, life and other people. I want so badly to feel whole and happy. I am single with no children and very badly want this in my life. Some nights I lay in bed crying because I am so lonely. I hope this retreat refocuses my energies on positive thoughts and strengthens my faith in God. I have done the retreat week 1. Feelings which laid down inside popped up like an insect which received sunlight. First of all it is all confused and surprising. And then the way of acceptance comes along timidly. Thank you Jesus to be my sunlight. I am looking forward for the next week. Thanks for this
retreat I
lived without knowing that God exist untill 23 years old ( 11 years
back). I strongly believe that Medjugorje and my grandmother prayers
changed my live. Ever since then I try to be an practicant believer
but some pains remained in my hearth. The impression that I had a
unhappy childhood (from the first moment), the impression that I loose
the first years of my life studying to much, the disaster relationships
during my University years, a lot of sinns... I am so grateful for this spiritual opportunity. I began a few weeks ago and was distracted by things which were very much unexpected in my life. I actually forgot about the retreat until yesterday. This will be the time of day for reflection, reading and prayer. The distractions which sidetracked me are now a part of the journey that I am examining. I am facing some spiritual challenges at this time in my life and I believe that this retreat will be just what I need . I have been especially moved by the reading on acceptance. As I ponder my life and God's presence it is not hard to see him in my childhood. However, I have some difficulty with being loved through the adult errors and shortcomings. How amazing that I am loved in that way. Even more amazing - I forget that I am. I came across this retreat by accident and since I feel very lonely and disconnected from my God, I am hoping that I will feel and know in my heart that He/She loves me in spite of all the mistakes I made in this life and all the people that I have deeply hurt. I feel cut off from my Church because my pastor is simply a good soldier of the Church and talks the 'party line' of Rome. I cannot accept the fact that God is not calling women to the priesthood, because I know the Holy Spirit is calling them. I went for the first time in my life to an Episcopal Church because I knew there was a woman priest there and I wanted to see before I died a woman image Christ. I did and it was beautiful. After Mass, the woman priest told me she has been serving God as an Episcopal priest for seventeen years. How can this be wrong? ... ... These are the questions that I feel I must ponder during this retreat. I wish I had a spiritual director to lead me, but I live in a small town in the desert with no one available to help me. So I guess I'll be the voice crying in the desert, it's 125 degrees today, asking God not to forsake me or think of me as a heretic for the questions I'm asking, but to love me and to send His/Her Holy Spirit to guide me. Week 1. I
look forward to going into this retreat series and smiled with remembering
when I read the first retreat guide - remembering a specific evening
as I was singing my toddler to sleep. He was long asleep when I stopped
and as I sat there praying for him and his life to come and for God's
hand to protect and guide him, I started to remember my own wayward
past and the following song flowed out of my Thank you, that
you kept me in your embrace. CHORUS So many times
that I fell over myself, CHORUS Made my own decisions, CHORUS Lord God My Father - Alison As I go through the photo album on my life and reflect on the picture for week 1, I become increasingly aware of the flaw of Original Sin that we all share. Throughout my life I have been wanting to "do things my way," which is symbolized by the baby pushing away with his/her left arm. I also am writing this reflection ironically on July 4, the celebration of the Declaration of Independence for the U.S.. Can God, in conjuction with my own will, change this life while on this journey and make a statement of 'Declaration of Dependence on God alone?' I hope and pray for guidance from the Holy Spirit as I continue this retreat for another week. I just completed Week 1. And I read the reading on the very last day. For this reading to claim that God is actually living with me, contemplating with me, GAZING at me, all day long, is just too fantastic to accept. I still have trouble believing or accepting that he would dedicate one whole day to me. I mean, out of all the people in the world? Why me? Recognizing that I am accepted by God. I didn’t think it would be that hard to accept this thought until I read the lines : “… When we read the dialogues of St. Catherine of Siena, we get the impression that God has nothing to do but simply occupy himself with Catherine. “ I immediately went “Whoa… that can’t be true?”. “… And that is right. The undivided attention of God is with her and with each of us.” You mean God will actually spend time – one day’s worth of time, just being pre-occupied with me? Alarm bells just went off in my head. Automatic disbelief. It just can’t be true. An all important God, spending time with just me? I still don’t want to take that as the answer. Its just too incredible. Here I am doing all sorts of things to be worthy of my partner’s attention, but God is just content to look after me – each moment of the day? Share my thoughts? Listen to my desires? Laugh when I laugh… kick me when I look at the mirror criticizing my looks… watch the words I type… simply just have a hell of a good time (no pun intended)? And what about those times when I was crying? Was he there too? I didn’t really think you are there all the time Lord. In fact, I felt lonely a lot of times. I just didn’t think that anyone cared – until I do something witty or useful or funny. Don’t tell me that you are here to live life with me. Only the second day and already a
snag. I'm having difficulty submitting to the discipline of reviewing
my story -- yet again! After an intense time of inner healing and
now leading a course on inner healing prayer, I find the assignment
to once more go back through this process in a systematic way wearisome.
My temptation is to skip this week's exercises and move on to week
2 where hopefully I will find something fresh. Week 1. Day 1. The very first thing that impressed itself upon my mind was the picture of the mother hold ing the child. My attention went immediatly to the baby. She looks like she's squirming in her mother's embrace. With her left hand she pushes away against her mother's chest. Her body twisted, her head turned away from her mother's face. Naked and vulnerable, maybe distracted by something else -- a toy, another person, an appealing sound, she wants no part of her mother's tender, yet unyielding grip. And yet, the mother holds tight, close to her breast, her mouth kissing the struggling infant's cheek, her hert beating against her child's naked skin, her eyes gazing tenderly on the tiny, distracted head, her hand firmly supporting the twisted back. She's holding her daughter close, safe, secure in an intimate embrace -- a gift the child is completely missing in her eagerness to escape. What a picture of me, Lord! I cry out to be held by you, embraced by you. I long to experience you deeply and intimately. And yet, I miss the gift. You are answering my cries in ways I can't yet receive. The fantasy of what your embrace "should" feel like is more appealing to me than the precious reality of those firm arms wrapped around me. Distracted by my fantasy, and by so many other things -- I squirm to get away. But still you hold tight. Still you gaze upon me with gentleness and love. Still my nakedness is pressed into your breast -- pressed not by my eagerness to be there, nor my faithfulness, but by your strong, steady, unyielding hand. In this moment, I thank you, Lord. In this moment I ask you to keep me in your arms. Do not let me be drawn away from you. In this moment I ask you to gaze upon the deepest desire of my heart -- the desire to be one with You, one as You are with the Son and the Spirit, sharing the intimacy of the Holy Trinity, the undivided fellowship, the eternal, unbroken flow of love. Tomorrow I may begin squirming again. Lesser desires may draw me away from this blessed place. Lesser cries may come from my lips. Discomfort, pain, shame and brokenness may -- no, WILL -- make me want to turn away, to hide my nakedness. But today, hear my cry. Today hold me close. Hold me close, Lord. Hold me close. I came across this site by "chance", precisely at a time when I was seeking a way of deepening my spiritual exparience. I have discovered - or rediscovered - that when fear of pain makes us block out or refuse to remember the past we deprive ourselves of good, healthy memories. I tend to block out whole periods. Going back, looking for God's prescence in every situation, has given a different "spin" on my perspective. The Spirit has also brought to mind many positive memories, even if they were only fleeting moments.This makes me think of my favourite psalm, 116. This psalm speaks very strongly to me of my life experience. Reflecting on week 1 I recall verse 7: Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the LORD has been good to you Hmmm....I heard of this online retreat a couple of weeks ago from my sister. Today I went to the site. I'm not even sure this is the one she was referring to but it caught my eye. I am a whole to part learner so not being able to see the big picture, it has always been hard for me to see the pieces. However, as I look back, fondly, sadly, fearfully and regretfully, I wonder. Why can't I remember but bits and pieces of that first old brownstone? I was 7 when we moved, surely I should remember more than going to bed when it was still light as the noise of the street beckoned me to crouch at the window as if I were somewhere else....watching over someone else's life. That house blends into the next, where I spent the majority of my formative years. I remember the house, but often try to forget the memories. God has put into my life a wonderful Christian counselor who has helped me to understand that "hurting people hurt people". Once I was given the peaceful gift of acceptance of that statement, I found the anger was subsiding. Yet, insidious as life experiences are, they continue to slither into my actions and daily activities. I was blessed by reading "somewhere" tonight about God's time being unlike our time. Yes, I have known that but never thought about praying for the little frightened girl I was then...I never realized that since God IS.....He can help that little girl. Wow, that was liberating for me. I can look back over my life and see how God has been there everytime I was hurting....I want to get to the point where I realize that in the present, instead of hindsight. My wife recently interviewed for a job in a breast center. She thought the interview went very well. We were very excited thinking about the additional income and many benefits we would receive when she got the job. No word has come on a hiring decision. I just completed Exercise 1 and it made me think, Where is God in this dilemma? Then I thought we should have been excited that she would be assisting the doctors and helping the women recovering from treatments. We still haven't heard about a hiring decision, but whatever happens we know that God is present and that there may be another opportunity for us to serve him. Week 1 This is my first retreat. It
was suggested to me by my spiritual director. Week 1 is now in its
second week for me. I have been reviewing my life carefully. At first
I saw only chaos, being one of eight children and in the middle, at
that. Then I focused on the fun times, then went back to the chaos.
What purpose could the chaos have been to me? What purpose was it
that I belong to a family that I did not fit the mold. What purpose
was there in me being bullied all of my life and sexually abused by
a babysitter, of which my parents never knew. Where was God? He did
not do this, these things made him sad. How could any good come from
this? God sent me an older brother that saved my life. We are both
in our 50's now and I opened up to him 1 year ago. Since then, out
of that chaos came a relationship of respect and love. He accepts
me as I am and guides and protects me from bullies as well as teaches
me how to protect myself. He listens and provides me with a safe place.
Since experiencing acceptance I can work on accepting myself , as
I really am, not as others want me to be and I can allow myself to
feel God's love and acceptance. week 1. I have the picture of mother and child on my screen. This is such a beautiful picture that I am glad this will be up for the entire week. The feeling I have of this picture are those of beauty and and being nurtured and cared for. This contradicts my own experience, or my memory of my experience; since i was taken from my mother and placed in orphanage, and then the abusive foster and the abussive adoptive home. I am aware now that I could not surived unless there were people in my life that cared for me though I cannot remember them now. Those people who offered their unconditional love. I am reminded of a portion of the psalms that states that when my mother and father give me up God is there for me...or something to this effect...I can't remember the particular psalm however. I so desperately need to get this into my soul...That God loves me personally, and by name. The
Jesuits have been good to me. They taught, challenged and encouraged
me in college. Some have been my friends, and one friend in particular
assisted me in the Spiritual Exercises last year. That journey enabled
me to change jobs, which was not my intent or even a thought when
I started the exercises. God is the great comedian. Since I was in a catholic girls boarding school for 7 years and then for 2 more years in the convent, as I wanted to become a nun (I left as I couldn't continue)I have been used to making retreats and enjoyed the talks and reflections and I had a spiritual director whom I used to communicate with until I got married and left the country. In a new country and with a new language I lost almost all contact with God and my spiritual life began to deteriorate. We have two sons and we had them baptised in the church, we followed them closely till they received first communion and confirmation so we accompanied them to church regularly till the mass timings changed then we stopped going regularly to church. Since two years I'm praying very hard to the Lord as our second son dropped out off school, got into bad company and involved in drugs. He was caught by the police (for robbery and drugs) and several times we had to go and get him out. So from 2003 I started to make novenas and visit different churches as I don't work on fridays. In one of the churches I found a pamphlet that had a 1 day marian retreat. At that time I couldn't make up my mind so last month when I was reading the real life story of an aborigine girl "Donna Meehan", I was very much impressed by her spirituality and the way she communicated with God. I'll close 47 years to-morrow, I don't feel close to God as I would like to feel so I started to look for 1 day retreats and then I found this on-line retreat and deep down in my heart I feel it's going to help me get closer to God. Week 1 I didn't believe I would get anything out
of rehashing past years. So many hurtful memories and so many hurtful
things I have done and was done to me. I have gone through it all
lots of time in a 12 step program. I have begun on line retreat after the praying Lent session as it all has a very deep and special meaning to me. Yesterday would have been my Dads 81st birthday. He passed away two weeks before Christmas. He was very devoted to the church, to the Bible, to God. He did Bible study right up until he could no longer read and then we read to him, even though we didn't do it right. He could tell!!!! He was a very special man and I miss him soooooo much. I was born and raised Catholic, but haven't gone to the church in a very long time, with many questions about Catholic ways and teachings. But that is not holding me back from praying and doing this retreat. I am happy to have a guide to help me with my prayers. As I opened the ‘picture book’ of my life, several things came to mind readily, some hurts, fears, apprehensions, joys, simple things that I still remember after so many years. Yet, like a picture book that is shared with thos ewho love you and you them, the Lord is just as present to these pictures of my experience. I shared them with the Lord and Our Lord ‘acknowledged’ them, as only He can, in your heart, to your soul. How tenderly he alone can love and make you feel that YOU are important TOO, in HIS EYES. (Week 1) I've just begun your retreat, first day, first time. Immediately, I found a problem with myself in my association with my husband. I've been very disgusted lately with his constant turning conversations to himself, his own experiences, not responding to others' words. Now I realize it's probably my own response to him of not making him feel ACCEPTED by me. I have hope that I can continue to be open to your promptings throughout this experience. God bless you! Week 1 In breaking down my life, starting early on, I must say I knew the presence of God, even though my family was not terribly religious let alone catholic. I was very happy, vivacious, playful and all boy. I sought identity especially through sports and games with friends. I remember too that God was with me and I was innocent and pure. I did not understand evil or wrong doers; I could only acknowledge the good in people and that is all I saw in them. I loved my whole family and all that comprised my little circle very much. It’s beautiful to look on children who harbor that love for their parents and family that makes me want to go back to such an innocent time of life. Week 1 I have started the retreat today. This feels like the first day of the rest of my life. It has encouraged me to view past hurts differently. That these have been times of grace because God was there with me and used the experiences, both sad and joyful to shape my life and make me the person I am today. If God accepts me as I am, what harm can others do to me when they do not? I would encourage anyone to try this retreat and will recommend it to friends, both people of faith and people who think they have none but are troubled by the emptiness of modern life when worth is counted in dollar signs (pesos, pounds, euros, etc.) and sex and shopping, the only religions. Week 1. The first week began with a huge challenge. As I walked my dog in the morning--my usual time for prayerful centering for the day--I thought, Okay, God, how were you present during the sexual abuse in my childhood? As I reflected, I realized how many times the Spirit has taught me compassion. The terror and fear of my childhood experience led me to build huge walls of defense--which time after time our "three-personed God" hammered through. Suffering what I did has finally taught me to plumb the depth of my compassion for others who suffer. I have learned to see my experience, and more importantly my journey into healing from it, as a lesson in resilience and awareness of all the need and pain and hopelessness in the world. I no longer flee from this experience, but reach through it to others in the world who suffer. I am so grateful for the simple, clarifying challenge of Week One. Week 1: I was either 12 or 13. During the summer, we had Mass in the Parish Social Hall, (it was air-conditioned) and at least once, I remember being in the Hall, after Mass waiting for my parents. I specifically asked God where He was. If He was present and how could I somehow feel closer to Him. I found that answer in a quiet way and stood near a corner of the altar area. I wasn't overwhelmed by His presence, but somehow, I felt that He was there with me. A nice positive image. The other image, was of me returning to my high school after being at college for a semester. I felt so "cool" and "important." I felt that now "I was somebody" as if before, I wasn't really quite a "person" yet. Well, a student recognized me and showed great joy in seeing me. We weren't really close or anything, but I was touched by her response...still, I couldn't seem to help myself and acted with a cool response. As if, "well, of course you should respond to my presence in awe since I'm a college student now. " It has bothered me. So I asked Jesus to show me His presence in that particular past moment....and I saw Him standing behind me observing sadly at my actions, but also being gentle with me. My heart was pierced by my bold arrogance, but not quickly enough to rally and treat that person properly. However, I also felt that Jesus forgives me. He did see it all. He was sad. But He also wants me to get past the moment. Sometimes, I think that moment has haunted me, because I so wanted to receive recognition, or at least a certain type of recognition, when I was growing up, that when I finally did receive it, I acted the way others had always acted towards me...with cool aloofness. I felt that I failed God because, I wasn't any better than anyone else...given the opportunity. I try to be nice to people, but I still fail at times when my ego gets in the way. This particular image allowed me to see Christ's presence in my failure and know that He still cared for me. He didn't stop caring even when I kind of did. "Dear Jesus, I thank you for being with me, gently guiding and sculpting me with and through every event in my life. Those I remember and those I don't remember. Now, I desire to continue exploring your presence in my life through this coming week." And as only God can do, my eyes have fallen on the comment: "Am I accepting of who I am today? If not, can I hold those areas up to God? If yes, can I hold my whole self up to God in gratitude?" And: "We are in the presence of a God who can not keep love hidden and we are God's best work of art." These are thoughts that I will contemplate in the background of my life this week. Christine, Alaska I have just begun the retreat and find that a phrase from one of the prayers keeps coming to mind: "Lord, my life is in your hands. Please, let this day give you praise." Repeating these words silently -- before meals, while waiting for the bus, in the midst of everyday tasks -- slows me down, centers me. Self-acceptance, that's the hard part. I'm nearly 70 years old, yet the memory of certain actions still shames me. I'm not referring to any "great" or "mortal sins," but rather to garden variety moments of pettiness, self-promotion at the expense of others. I see more and more clearly that it is when I most doubt my own worth that I put others down. Why is it so hard to believe that God loves and accepts me as I am right now, this very minute? "Smile. Jesus loves you," the smiley-face buttons used to say. Trite, perhaps, but the pared-down message has validity. Once I accept the fact of God's loving acceptance of me, I can reach out to others with a more generous spirit. I have just finished the readings for Week 1, and the week of practice is stretched out in front of me. To now, I have spent many, many hours in reflection of my life—the highs and the lows. Regardless, I know that this period of reflection will bring up something new and powerful. The context in which I review my life is different, so I am prayerful and confident that the Lord will have new things to show me. Outrageously, my nagging torment is to know that God has blessed me with purpose and gifts beyond my own human recognition. Yet, I stand on the edge of that tall ladder with one toe curled on the end—hesitating to fall off. I have jumped from airplanes, traveled around the world by myself, spoken in front of hundreds, and faced many new adventures. Yet, “go ahead and jump” is scary. Because I know the jump of faith is different than any human, physical risk. I’m prayerful that I’ll emerge from the retreat having lept from the highest rung! Kelli, Indiana I am 75 years old and a cradle Catholic. For many of these years I was a 'routine' Catholic. About 15 years ago, in a very realistic experience, Jesus gave me a strong shove, stating my 'routine' just wasn't good enough. This eventually led me to the Ignation Exercises, Lectio Divina and Centering Prayer. However for the past 12 month or so I have been in a period of 'desolation'. I explored many internet avenues until a Jesuit priest suggested Creighton University. After the first week of the on-line retreat I know I am at the right place. I am very blessed that after those 75 years, of which 38 very happily married, I have only good memories for my 'picture album'. Tony Week 1: Prayer is about our relationship with God. I used to pray that God would protect me.... From an abusive grandfather, from my childhood fears and shyness. From, being the fat kid always trying to please and fit in. From bad choices, adult abusive relationships, divorce and alcoholism. God, you let me down. What did all those masses, and rosaries and candles mean to a distraught and totally hopeless person. What and where was this gratitude I was to ask for? I got screwed and now even after 22 years of being sober, and asking for His help and guidence where was it? I came back to my Church with a hopeful heart. I have found friends, yet even now find my small parish rocked by disputes and bickering. Lord, I am not worthy to receive you, but say the word and I shall be healed. I am listening. Why is it that murders who confess can then receive communion? Or child molesters? Or politicans who vote for killing the unborn? But not a divorced person....not in this church. Where is my acceptance? When the priest offers the body and blood of our Lord. I yearn for that helping bread. My mistakes have removed me from the full relationship with God. Can I find that acceptance from God which varies from acceptance by His church? I have been chewing on this truth and hope I will last. So my prayer after this week is: God help me. So much of this week was so helpful for me.. In fact one of my favorite Psalm is 139. As a kid I lost my day early in life and as I grew up I kearned to find the better effects that it had on me. After all all things have two sides not always a good one but always a better one. I learned soon to look at it as I grew up to look at he better and not dwell on the worst. It can be changed but sometimessued as a jump start point or prayer start that things didn't turn out worst. In fact we prayed at home everynight and whenI go the boarding school we prayed often. At first I recited the orayers with everyone else without knowing what they meant but I I grew up and said them ofter I began to see a lot of meaning in them. One of my favorite expressions is "God is crazy about me. Seems too forward but sometimesI think he is just looking out for me. I really know that he loves us all this way. But that saying comes tomind often ..I do realize that I don't thank him enough. I will put more effort here from now on. Week 1 I started wk 2 today, and I find I was very flimsy on wk 1. I went through it all in my head when driving, but today as I try writing it down, I see I have left out many important parts. Maybe God was leading me to certain parts, or maybe I just wasn't focussed enough. I have started all sorts of hand written journals over the years, and never used them much. This time I have started by using Excel as it does not require sentences. I see there is not much about God in this, - maybe next time. I have just completed Week 1 and starting Week 2. It was not easy for me to go back over my past. The areas that were most painful and difficult however, were the only times in my life when I prayed for God's help. My prayers were always answered, although I didn't understand who or where God was then. I actually thought that because of my past as a teenager, that God didn't accept me or love me. I carried this for many years. And as I look back on those years, I feel so worthless because I don't even remember thanking God for helping me. So Thank You Lord, for those times when I rec'd your love and care for me. I was too hurt, and ashamed to accept myself to know your real presence in my life. But, as I begin week 2 I feel so grateful and blessed to God for loving me both during those difficult times and in my most happiest times. I'm just finishing Week 1. I’ve read some of the sharing from other retreat participants & find that when I look at my “photos” I can’t necessarily see or sense Him there the way others describe. I know He has been with me overall and especially this past year He has given me many graces. Does this mean I haven’t looked hard enough at my photo album to move on to the next week? I do feel that making this retreat is the right thing for me—I believe He directed me to this site during Lent & reminded me now that I had said I would start this retreat in September. So I guess I should go back to one of the tips for the journey: “do not expect, look for or demand progress”. I think I need to continue the journey and trust that God will give me the graces as He sees I need them. One thing that struck me as I read the sharing was the realization that so many people are making the retreat at this same time, so even though we are all in our individual homes and don't know one another, we are really all together in making this journey closer to God. I said a prayer at Mass this evening for all "my travel mates." And also, thank you to those responsible and doing the behind the scenes work that make this site and retreat available. God bless us all. And please say a quick prayer for that I make it through the 34 weeks. Week 1. I have been reflecting on my joy, pains, sorrow, and struggles over my past and how the Lord was present. May times I see God's intervention in my life. I marval about how the Lord as master weaver, brings things about. For example, introducing me to my wife. At that time I had stepped away from dating...the women I was interested in all seemed to have problems they were not willing to address and so I could not offer any help or support. It got to be too frustrating. I was attending a parish for some time when the pastor said something that upset me. A TV preacher had said once that the best thing to do in these instences is to leave and join another parish and so I did. Within the first week a lady sitting behind me invited me to join a small faith community prayer group which I eventually lead. One of the members of that group invited a new member in the music ministry to join our group. I got to know her over three month (still not interested in dating anyone). She was new to the country and here alone. At work one of my friends invited me to join hima nd his girlfriend to see a movie. Not wanting to be a third wheel and because they were from the same contry as the female in the prayer group, I asked if I could invite her along. And from there things took off. I see so many doors having to open to meet my wife...switching parishes, the invitation from a stranger, staying in the prayer group, her invitation to join, my co-worker's invitation, and my wife saying yes to going with us, not to mention being open to each other. At that point in my life I had to be hit from behind, if I saw it coming I would have turned away (running). God is so great! Thank you Lord for leadng me blindly to this clearing, for not letting go of my hand along the way, and knowing my heart as only you could. Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to be that guiding hand for others. May I always keep a keen ear poised to your voice and a the will to follow Your path for my life. I love you deeply Lord for your unconditional love of me. While I reflected on events from my past, I noticed in a way that I hadn't before that at the same time I experienced difficuly or loss in one area of my life, in another area I received the grace of new friendships. It wasn't until I had reflected on my life that I was able to make the connection between these events, and I came to a greater awareness of the comfort and consolation that God brings admist hardship. Week 1 I wasn't sure what the first week would mean to me, having done years of work with spiritual directors. I seem to be in a long period when I have faced crisis after crisis. Even though I have handled them all well, and they have basically worked out at least okay, and even though I have learned gratitude for nearly everything in my life through all my work and prayers and spiritual direction, I did not find the images that came to me to necessarily be those that suggested a grateful life. My work feels in pieces. In other words, I am still working toward something that is not there now in what I would call "fullness." A few months ago when I ended twenty years of spiritual direction, it was with a priest who was very full of joy. Being in his presence reminded me of times when I was also joyful, somthing that is still there, but now covered with one kind of gook or another. I am hoping that this online retreat will help me shed the gook, and lead me toward that joyfulness that I saw in him. And it is for that I pray in Jesus' name. Amen. I too am starting the retreat at Week 1 for at least the 2nd time. I keep being drawn to it but I can never finish it. I know the Lord is calling me to a closer relationship with Him through this retreat but deep down I think I am afraid. I can't ever seem to get to the point in my life where I can really "feel" God's love for me. I have always felt that I had to earn and deserve His love, as I have had to with my family. It is so hard for me to accept His unconditional love. I try to move closer to God and then I pull away. My whole life seems to have been like that and I wish I could just get comfortable with my loving father. It is encouraging to read the sharings of others to know that others struggle with very much the same feelings. We so often feel that we are the only ones that are going through something and feel so alone and then when we have the courage to share our story we find out that we are not so alone and not the only one to have certain feelings and experiences. I pray for all of us making this retreat and may we be filled with God's love and blessings. Week 1 It is a blessing to begin this retreat with collecting memories and images of my life, and looking at God’s guidance in it. As I began this 1st week, the words of Psalm 8 struck home, especially as rendered in the NRSV, “O Lord, our sovereign.” I was struck by the question of examining how I acknowledge God’s sovereign rule over the world and my life. This can be seen in the photo album of my life. I have been using this site for the Daily Reflections for several years. For the past three years I have been making my journey from being a Baptist pastor of 18 years to becoming a Catholic. I enrolled in RCIA at the beginning of September, as I had resigned from the Baptist Church at the beginning of August. My interest in Ignatian spirituality has been with me since I spent a year in a Catholic High School, Marist in Atlanta GA, in 1974. This is the first week of the retreat for me. Already I have experienced calmness in my life. I know that when I open myself to God, there are all kinds of possibilities. As I look to my past, I see the times when things were good, that God was dropped from my life and when things were bad, I begged God’s forgiveness and sought God’s help. Now, as I begin this weekly journey, I pray that God will gently push me along. I started Week 1 yesterday. I was struck by the phrase from Isaiah 49:16 "See, upon the palms of my hands I have written your name". Quoted in the context of the article, "Courage to Accept Acceptance", I mused about the fact that maybe if I bumped into Jesus today he might be wearing a tatoo with my name on it. It seems audacious to think like that, but, then again, why not? But not just my name, all our names would be tatooed on Him. But, that's a lot of tatoos! So, ok, maybe there would just be one tatoo, and depending on the person reading the tatoo, it would say their name, and when you read it, it would say your name. Crazy idea? I realized as I began day 1 of week 1 of my journey here, that I came into this world extremely blessed and surrounded by people who loved me and influenced me in a positive way. Although my parents were very young and not as present as they should be, I had grandparents, great grandparents AND great-great grandparents, all of whom surrounded me with love and security and left me with a treasury of wonderful memories. I thank God for those sweet times, and the remembering of them. It has given me the feeling of a seedling with a very good start. I think this is an important feeling for me to hold tight to as I begin to journey into more painful territory. I started the first week last week. There are painful memories that need to be healed and the article "accept acceptance" did help a lot and gave me support and inspirations. Having just begun week 1, I recall a time in my life which I have remembered since that day, almost daily. It was when I was just 15, a short time after the death of my young Mother and left basically orphaned. Naturally being depressed from not only the loss of my Mother, but also the life I was living in, with my brother and sister, all separated. I found myself in front of a sign which read: "I used to feel sorry for myself because I had no shoes, till I met a man who had no feet". As I read that sign, I heard it being said in my Mother's voice, and a calm came over me. I knew that I was not alone, that all things are for a purpose. That we may not know where our paths are leading us, but that we each must go down the paths He has laid for us, for He knows what is best for each of us. It is Saturday and I should be done with week 1. But I am not. I stopped on Thursday, only at: Early adulthood; Friday and Saturday, the rest of my adult life. At my point in life I am struggling seeing the purpose of my whole life (a very long and pretty complex story), feeling to have pretty much failed in everything, everything being one mistake after another. Little, almost unnoticeable little mistakes."Stay still and waiting for the Lord" has been the answer to many of my prayers when asking what to do.. And I don't find it easy. He has answered me many times, I know, but I am still not sure I am on the right path, really doing His will. I think it will be pretty interesting to go on with the retreat, seeing what will come out of it. It will take longer than the 34 weeks suggested. Just need to be patient. I just started the retreat. As I read the first weeks goals I thought that I certainly didn't have any experiences of God when I was a very small child that I can name. But, then there was my earliest memory. My aunt was dying. I was 2 years old, standing beside my mother as she knelt in my aunts bedroom. There were candles, a priest was praying, I knew it was something special but I didn't understand of course. That was my first experience of religion. When I was 6 my Mother sent me to Catechism Class every Saturday. We lived in Minnesota and it was winter. One Saturday morning she bundled me in a snowsuit, boots, mittens, hat and scarf. I kept telling her I did not want to go to Catechism that day. She ignored my complaints. I told her I was not going, but she sent me out anyway to walk to the church which was at the end of the block. It was about 9:30am. I did not go to Catechism. I walked in the snow, along a busy parkway, turned unto a road along the Mississippi River, and eventually arrived at my Grandmother's house at about 3:00 in the afternoon. That was my first experience of faith. I never doubted I would reach my goal. God was watching out for me and protected me from all the perils of a small stubborn child alone on busy roads, with deep snow drifts, safe from all the dangers that could have changed the course of my life. P.S. I didn't get a spanking my parents were so relieved to see me. They were waiting at my Grandparents house when I arrived, cold, tired, a bit scared and very hungry. The line in Psalm 139 which grabbed my attention was "All this overwhelms me too much to understand." Metaphorically speaking, I feel I have been like St. Paul on his way to Corinth to spread the Good News when he comes to a crossroad he hadn't expected and decides to follow it. It leads to an obscure fishing village where he becomes very ill and so needs a doctor. The doctor who comes to his aid is St. Luke.If he hadn't taken the crossroad and gotten sick he would never have met St. Paul. The events in my life since January feel like this though I haven't met anyone yet who remotely resembles St. Luke; but the analogy prompts me to pray this line from Psalm 139 " Lord, do I follow crooked paths? Lead me along your ancient way." Yesterday and today I have been remebering events from 2 years old to 5 years old which show me that as young as 2 years I had the imagination to be able to believe in God and to understand Him as someone with whom I had a loving relationship. Throughout my life this primal belief has carried me through some tough times. In January of this year I wrote a poem which expressed this, but since my illness in February the sparkle of imagination has disappeared but not the belief. I could no longer enter into the Prayer of Imagination or anything remotely resembling the use of the imagination in prayer. I have remained faithful to my relationship with God and with my fellow man by praying the Rosary and praying for others including my enemies between each decade; but I have longed to be able to enter into imagination once more. Since I started this first week yesterday, I am writing whatever comes to mind, even though I still feel "overwhelmed too much to understand", in the belief that out of the chaos of my writings, the creation of what is in God's mind for me will emerge. I am very thankful to have found this webpage. It seems to be an answer to my prayer. Thank you for using your imagination to design a retreat which will help me rediscover mine. Week 1 I am starting this retreat for the second or third time (I am not sure). After reading the sharing of peoples's week one entries, I see I am not alone. I suppose the one difference this time is that I am using the "Sharing" section of the retreat. I am at a point in my life where God has blessed me with a good marriage, but no children as of yet. My parents are aging and in need of care. They have lost their joy for life and I find it wears me down and causes me to lose my joy in life. I also feel the need for a change in my career. At times this is all a bit overwhelming. I do see this retreat as a "glimmer of hope". After going through the readings and the prayers, I feel "lighter". I pray that I may continue to benefit from this retreat. I also pray for each of you who have shared here that God might meet each of you where you need him most. Blessings to all at Creighton U for this wonderful opportunity! Week 1 A number of things have been occuring in the past few years that show the power of the Lord in my own life. There is also one area that need prayer and acceptance. It is in within this area that I request your prayers. I will continue to pray, and request your prayers as well, to live the best life, the most complete life, and continue to accept the love of the Lord and allow the happiness that can be achieved to come in. Week 1 i'm on WEEK ONE, the first day, actually...don't know if i've got what it takes to keep it up...may GOD grant me the grace and strength to persever, even tho' i don't feel His presence... This has been a good experience for me - coming after other good experiences that has led me to it - and it feels right too, to be where I am, doing what I am within the Church's celebration of the Triduum and approaching our local ecumenical witness of the Cross. So thank you to God and all those who have helped me be here; those people in the last few weeks who have served me and those who I have served. Thank you for all the past events I have recalled - and the growing ability to rest in them and discern in them for the journey ahead - Thank you St Ignatius for your insights and for all who make them accessible to me (includes thanks and admiration of the design of the web-site) - Thanks for my Church that provides a place for continuing discerning revelation - thanks for the roots she has provided me - thanks for the recent reflections that tell me why I must nourish my sense of belonging as an RC while I reach out in service and unity with other Christians. Thanks for, and to, my wife; and all that we now have and can witness to because we are different and are in different church traditions. Thanks for this space where I can share my joy without it mattering that I cannot do it without boasting. Thanks for the my firm determination of continuing in this journey that this good start has given me. Thanks for the realisation that darkness can come. When it does, may I still be able to recall that "Darkness is not Darkness to Thee". And thanks Jesus for those kind words to your sleepy disciples "Pray not to be put to the Test" as I am not ready yet. Thank you Father, Son and Spirit for the faith that you are, and will be gentle, when you "Search my heart and probe me and test and judge my thoughts". Week 1 I am so truly overwhelmed by life that I can't stop long enough to be with my Lord. I am looking for the way to follow Him closely while being able to do as He asks. Hopefully this retreat will help. I have just looked over the info for the first week and I am truly excited. I can see where this could all come together and change the miserable exsistence I am now living. Hopefully I will have the courage and fortitude to stick it out. Week 1 Well, I realize it isn't September - more like before Easter. Palm Sunday next week. My immediate thoughts were that either I had to catch up, or wait, or jump in the middle. I think I am a bit compulsive! I expect this will be fruitful, no matter where I start. I am a bit hesitant about going through the life review. I have done that so many times. Maybe this time I can just let it be and thank Jesus for being with me all those times, even when I felt abandoned. It seems to me that the theme of my life is aloneness, sometimes that has been expressed as loneliness, but is really something else. At times, I have thought that I do something to drive others away, but I don't think that is really true. I have maintained some lengthy and important relationships like marriage, children, and friends. I think this is partially my "programming" in my family, but the gift in this is that early on having a sense of Christ being there with me and for me. As we go into the Holy Week, I hope I can have a sense of being there for Him and with Him. Week 1 This is not as easy as I thought it would be – the cold reality of an email to start a “spiritual” journey. I am a cradle Catholic and attended Catholic schools. I went through the motions because it is what we did. I have never had a close relationship with God – but until a few years ago I knew he was with me and considered myself blessed. The Virgin Mary intercessed on my behalf – I believe – with the birth of my daughter after a miscarriage. I always swore I would be happy and never ask for anything again. After a dangerous and obsessive affair with another married person – I made bad choices – that I knew were bad – even as I made them. I still persisted and believed God wanted me to be “happy” and “in-love”. I felt stupid, used and undeserving of God’s graces. I was going to first write that I was afraid in starting this retreat because I would not find what I was looking for – that God was not there for me. This luck and grace I had in my life for 33 years was lost in the year 2000. It has not returned and I am afraid it will never return because of the most horrible decisions I have made. I had removed “myself” from my friends, my husband and my family for this “true love” – which I am afraid to admit was true sex. Wow – I did not think I could write so much – I have so much I have to keep inside – and God’s knows all and he will not return any good graces I once had. I believe in fate and chance – it is by both that I found this website – I hope it is by choice that I return to the One True Church. Thank you to all involved with this site – and may all of your blessings stay with you for providing this service to all. I still begin – afraid that I won’t find what I am looking for. But I have always been an optimist. Week 1. I have made Ignatian Retreats many times so was not prepared for the power of this first week. I lost my mother in May and because of the difficulty of her passing, we had some problems. When she died, the hurts were coming to mind much more quickly than the love. And that was causing such sadness, since my mother died at 94 years of age and had lived with me for the past 15 years. So, when I started with the review of my life, I brought up the scenes of my early life as directed but I decided to say "Thank you, God" after each of the scenes or pictures that came to mind. I said "Thank you" after the painful ones as well as the joyfilled ones. I saw my mother as a young woman and said thank you, I said thank you for my father's alcoholism, I said thank you for everything. It has been such a healing week for me. Thank you so much for being here in my home. I have told everyone about your site. Upon reflecting on the 78 years of my life, I became very much aware how from the beginning I was immersed in a sea of love; my parents, grandparents , uncles and aunts and family friends. That immersion continued through much of my teen age years. From those wonderful years of being loved and encouraged , there emerged in turn an interest, a looking forward to the opportunity to meet people and to learn about them; what they are doing, what they have done, where they have been , where they have come from....to me a truly great pleasure. As a late teen I adopted a somewhat agnostic "pose" that carried me through the rigors of combat in WWII and into my university years. Then I think God said "OK that is enough for now....take a look at Me from this perspective... and I did. I could not deny His existence from first , the study of history and from the arguments of first cause that I was exposed to in my Logic class. So I at not quite the half way point in my life as lived I became a Catholic convert. A general absolution brought me up to speed and there followed several years of "near sainthood". Marriage to an agnostic made for a challenge. That was resolved in a few years with her conversion. Then the WORLD closed in again and rollercoaster ride of belief and doubt began. I found that doubt , in the long run strengthens faith. However doubt has to have a prayerful attitude, even though it might be quiet weak, if belief is to prevail. Belief, (faith) did prevail but in a sort of detatched way....not the previous 'warm feeling' sense. Marriage Encounter, Cursillio, and several retreats kept me involved with God over most of the subsequent years. The motto presented read "YOU MAY BE THE ONLY GOSPEL YOUR NEIGHBOR READS TODAY". It brought me to my spiritual knees. It has become my mantra and my "background" sound. I found it be very difficult at times to adhere to... and then the second Motto GOD LOVES YOU AND I AM VERY MUCH TRYING TO came to help. This first week brought all the above into focus. It also showed me how PRIDE slipped into my life which in wordly terms has been very succesful and rewarding. I am now working on an extensive examination of concience. I did ask God to help me to accept his love for me...really accept it this time. I was aware of this mantle flowing over me, from my head, across my shoulders and down my legs...I was enveloped and it continues as I write. Week 1 I started the retreat several months ago and failed for whatever reason to complete the first week. At this time I am in my second day of the first week starting over. I am reminded of my father's family being ill when he was a child. He and five siblings were put out for other family relatives to care for all at young ages. The family that cared for my father were atheists, and hated Catholics with a passion. My father chose in the midst of this hatred to marry a Catholic. At about the time when I was ten or eleven my father attended private catechism classes and I accompanied him in my own learning of the Church, practices, and our Lord. Through all the many disagreements, arguments, and misunderstandings between my father and me there is this place I can see him humble himself taking a small child for a weekly private retreat. We received our first communion, and confirmation around the same time period, although not together we were father and son feeling sort of like brothers. I have just completed my first week and am so looking forward to my second week! I have never been a very spiritual person, but my heart has opened to God if only a small pinhole. I have always known that God is a part of my life and in everything around me, but I have rarely thought about it. Now I am praying, and a great anxiety has been relieved in me. I am feeling a peace within me that I have never felt before. Traveling through my life story has stirred up different emotions in me. When I started reflecting on my earliest memories, I thought these would be the hardest because of the strain it took to remember. As I started into the last twenty years of my memories, I realized these were the hardest. They were all fresh and not hard to remember, but a new realization came over me. I had held these as the best years of my life, and they weren't. Oh to be a child again! Thank you Lord for opening this up to me! As I began to look through the album of my life I soon became rather depressed as the negatives seemed to dominate. I remeber once reading somehting like this: "Sekf love is a doll, when we are sad or feel guilty we dress it in black but we nurse it all the same." It seemed to me that doing a bit of wallowing in the negatives of the album was in fact just a form of self love. So I decided I would go through my album starting each sentence with, "I want to than God for ...". Contrary to my first thoughts I discovered I had a great deal of positives to than God for but also I found ways to thank God even for the negatives. This has been a good insight for me. Week 1 I have just finished my First Week. This is the second time that I have begun this retreat. The first time was a few years ago and I don't remember exactly how many weeks into it I was but I did not complete it partly because I wasn't dedicating time each day to it. It was nice looking back over my life with the focus of God's presence this week. While some of the 'pictures' of my life were happy and good, others were more trying. It was easy for me to recognize that God was present in the better as well as the worse times. All of those 'pictures' help to shape me and bring me to the place that I am now so I know that I must embrace all, the good and bad. This week helped me to 'see' images of my past that I had not really thought about in a long time. It was great to experience all of these 'images' and to bring to the forefront of my mind and experience that God is with me no matter what the situation or circumstances. Sometimes in my life it is easier than others to acknowledge with mind and heart that God loves and accepts me as I am. However, those times have been few and far between where I truly embraced and fully realized this love of God for me with my whole being. While God is a constant and for the most part conscience presence in my life, I found that most of the time I do not necessarily feel or recognize this acceptance of God for me as I am. It is not that I did not believe that God accepts me but that I did not really focus on that and let it have the centralness that it should. Other times however, I find myself in places where I feel that I need to celebrate the Sacrament of Reconciliation worthily before I can truly be free and open before God (although I never really felt that God wasn't with me or not guiding me - I just felt that this was hovering between us sometimes) because I did not truly embrace with mind and heart that God accepts and forgives and embraces me as I am. It was a nice week. I am drawn to return to this retreat, even though day 1 was unpleasant. To remember the story of my life includes much pain. Remembering brought me to a crossroads, a point at which I feel my closeness with God is dependent upon answering. God, how could You? To which no answer came. Yet, later, the question was answered with a question as I saw others' lives, with their own intense sufferings...Why not? My only request is that somehow my sufferings have redeeming grace, some measure of glory in pointing to Christ. Whether I will understand that during my life, I am not promised. Week 1 Completing week one, I realize the presence of God in my life. As I search my life's story, I see times of joy and easily find God's Grace in those times. As see times of pain and sorrow, I can see the healing hand of God. As I search further into the darkest period of my life, I question why God's presence did not impact my decision making. Help me Lord, in weeks to come to find the grace in those dark experiences so that I can be released from it's bondage on me. Be with me Lord, as I purify my heart and soul in order to become what you have intended for me to become. Thanks for the gift of this on-line retreat! Week 1 im not to sure of what im doing,but i feel the urgent need of something more in my life. i feel very sad and alone inside myself. im hoping for relief of this depression and i fully know jesus is my answer even though i rsist. i hope i can follow this retreat. I am ending week 1 with the scripture reading of the woman who, knowing she is loved and forgiven, kneels at Jesus' feet, washing them with her tears and anointing them with aromatic nard. It is I at His feet, and as I break the alabaster jar to release the ointment, I wonder what it is that I am squandering on Him. I have nothing but my brokenness, neediness, emptiness. What is in this jar, that I pour out over Him? It is my time that I anoint Him with, that I squander on Him, that places me in this position of intimacy. All I have to give is the time that He has given me, and I give it in prayer and in the work that I do in His name with and for His people. Lord, let me be lavish in squandering my time on you, of placing myself in Your presence and bearing that presence to the people You put into my life time and space. What came up for me the first week, loud and clear, were two areas of my life that need healing. They are (1) abandonment, and (2) acceptance. I thought I had done enough work with these in my 12 Step Program, but apparently not! So I'm working the Steps on these areas and of course asking God for help; that's embedded in the Steps. I have full confidence that God will heal these areas of affliction in my life. I have always believed God is loving, and that He wants the best for me (and all the rest of His children). It's just that sometimes I get in the way of His healing! :-) So I am going back to reading the Psalms and the Gospels, and to praying a whole lot more than I was. Thanks to all who put this site together. It's a real important opportunity for all. My first week has been off to a difficult start. The Lord seems to be guiding me back to before I was even born, to the relationship which existed between my parents. My parents' marriage has always been stormy, yet strangely the Grace of God has been with them, and our family, despite that brokenness. I know that my parents were planning to separate when my mother found out that she was pregnant with me. So, my "advent" into the world saved their marriage at that point. I have continued to play that role over the years. In many ways I have felt as though I was the parent and they were the children. My parents have never been able to resolve a lot of the brokenness in their marriage. Alcohol abuse in particular is something that my parents have both struggled with. So a lot of my early memories are painful ones. I remember physical fights between my parents when I was just a young child. It angered me that these events were never discussed in the morning. The alcohol in the house angered me. I didn't know how to deal with their drunkenness as a child. I was nervous to bring people over because I never knew what to expect. I don't even know how this has affected me. Yet, it has been incredible how much healing the Lord has brought to our family over the years, and how much grace our family has experienced. And despite our family brokenness we have been blessed with a deep love for one another. In the end, I don't really care what has gone on in the past. I love them so much, I just want them to be well, to be the best they can be, to be healed and to enjoy life to its fullest. I wonder if that is how the Lord feels about each one of us, if this is his approach to our sinfulness? I am praying that the Lord will continue to guide me through the rest of my "photo album". I have some healing to do. I have asked God to shine in the dark places of my heart, to remove any obstacles that have formed, that may be blocking my ministry. I have prayed for discernment, to know what it means to follow Christ's call, what it is that I am called to be and do here. I feel as though I am walking through water, difficult to breathe, headache, fatigue. I just want to crawl into bed and sleep. I don't want to look at the family album any longer. I am tired of the images there. Tired of the work I have had to do to be even where I am today. But, I asked for it - the healing. The wound is healed over, but festered inside. Surgery again. Opening it up hurts but is necessary. I wait for the joy of healing to come. It has before. It will again. Will I ever be done? Thank you, Jesus, for carrying me kicking and screaming into the hospital again. Stay with me, remain here with me, watch and pray. Watch and pray. Week 1 There is much to reflect upon after reading "The Courage to Accept Acceptance" The concept is simple for me understand intellectually; the challenge for me is remembering day to day, moment to moment to live the acceptance and faith. In trying times I fail to remember Gods acceptance and faith of me. I forget God is there beside me everyday though tough times and joyful times. Today I pray to God to help me remember He is ever at my side. Week 1 Today, as I began Week One of the exercises, I was looking through a large picture window here in my work room. I was happy in the view of sunlight and the lushness of green and growing things that God has so generously allowed me to gaze at as I work. In the midst of my prayer, suddenly, a hummingbird appeared at my window, as if it were seeking to enter and join me in my ruminative prayer. Glory be to God! I'm angry to my toes, with clenched teeth and the anxiety that bespeaks terror just below the surface. Had I known that this "photo album" would bring up so much rage, I would have thought twice. [Even though I know that facing my rage in god's loving embrace is the only way through it.] Imagine god's presence in my childhood, I am told. I can only scream in anger: Where were you? If you were there, you stood by and watched. How dare you let this happen to babies, not just me, not just my brothers, but to so many babies, all day, every day. Where are you when a baby is terrified and abused? When that rage which is a wholesome response to what is happening is beaten inward & begins to eat away at one's roots? Where? Where were you? Were you there, standing by, letting it happen? I have preferred for so many years to think of you as a figment of unhappy imaginations, rather than to imagine you as a bystander, doing nothing. Please god be with me today as I struggle with this rage. Hold me close to your heart. Lord, I can't believe that I can do this for 34 weeks. As Michael Jordan says, "just do it." Actually, it will be longer since I will do week one until the 14th of september to catch the liturgical year. But, maybe the lesson is not in 34 weeks it is found in making the choice again and again and again to listen and "spiritual exercise" even when I don't feel like it.I have quit so many exercise programs in the past. I need the grace to ask for the daily help to work the program. In my life Lord I need to ask for "a day at a time"grace in order to pray. It is better than watching baseball or other mindless sports that keep me from focusing the life you have given me.Lord, I am so conscious of my own willfulness at this time in my life and how I have rebelled from your love. Week 1 Burned out.... This is a great place to begin this retreat. How did I get there? I guess the answer doesn't matter. My hope is that this retreat can help rekindle joyfulness that are at the heart of the Christian life. Thank you for the Prayers; I have received a tremendous Grace. The Lord has lifted the guilty burden from my mind, He has placed peace in my heart and HOW do I say thank you, we have talked ceasely as we walked together these past two days now I can feel His presence and yearn to really love Him with my whole being . I pray Our Lord Jesus will deepen my love for Him with every passing day of this retreat. I am feeling very alone and tired at this point in my life. It seems that I can see no good around me. I am totally out of control of my existance. I begin this retreat, with the Grace of God, hoping that I will find my way again. I do have many things to be grateful for, but I am not happy.I feel very sad. As I read others sharing, it seems that this may be the answer for me.. I ask your prayers as I begin, that I may be healed of all that is wrong in my life, and begin to see the good all around me. I have just finished the first week. I have so many thoughts and feelings. I feel so much closer to our Lord. I find that when I was younger I did not look to the Lord for help even in trouble times, after reflecting on this I have missed so many of his messages for me. Now that I am older I feel that he is with me in good times and in bad. I just want to thank you for this first week as I go on to the next help me grow deeper in your love. Week 1 has lasted 2 weeks. As i walk through my life, i see the hand of GOD touching each and every image. Especially in the areas of imperfection and sin. During the course of these 2 weeks, i've also experienced and been overwhelmed by GOD's unconditional love for me. I have become aware of a deeper trust in HIM forming in my heart and I have struggled with sin and experienced HIS forgiveness. What an exciting journey this is turning out to be! This is the first online retreat I've attempted and decided to try at the urging of a friend. I feel so detached from God and I have so much "stuff" pushing Him out of my life. I'm hoping, through this retreat, to find God again. I need to feel His presence in my life again. WOW! this is great.I happened to browse the site and found ajewel. I am now in touch of myself. Treasuring the past and teary eyed looking back seeing the tenderness and love people allowed me to experience. And the love of God written in the pages of my lif'e's story! Iam still starting. Thanks God! Today is Friday, not Monday. I hope it is okay to start the retreat on a Friday. I come with a desire to draw closer to my Creator. I would like to return to the discipline of daily receipt of the Holy Eucharist. For several years I attended daily Mass. I fell on some ice last Winter and the fall brought on Adhesive Capsulitis or in layman's terms "frozen shoulder". Around that time I had contractors coming to my home on a daily basis, so I needed to be there and Holy Mass went by the wayside. It is very difficult getting myself dressed in the morning and not having to hurry is a luxury. I miss receiving the Holy Eucharist. It seems I gave up daily recitation of the Holy Rosary at the same time. What is wrong with me? The chronic pain dictates my every day. I get up in pain and go to bed in pain. I have been praying the Lord will heal me, and I believe He will...in His time. All that's left for me to do is wait on Him. His timing is perfect. I happened on this retreat by accident. I think it is a terrific idea and I congratulate and thank those who are responsible. As for me finding it, I thank my God, for I am certain He led me here. Thirty-four weeks is a long time. I pray that I will be diligent in staying with the guidelines of this retreat. My earliest childhood memories -being consecrated to God by my mother in the chapel of the hospital where I was born. This was done in gratitude for a new life that was difficult in the beginning- a breach birth,incubator,not being sure if I would survive. A long period without the wamth of my mother's touch because I was in the incubator. Later frustration at getting food and nourishment in the natural way because of a medical condition of my mother's. These memories of my earlist moments have been handed down to me by her and I believe them. The difficult birtg and in the joy of arrival being dedicated/consecrated to Him ,I see as an integral part of my vocation. My life belomgs to Him because He saved me. "It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me." Frustration at getting my needs met and turning to a limited source for satisfaction is the stort of my life! Only You Lord can feed and nourish me to the point of satisfaction. I've turned to other people, actions anf things much too often and have never been sarisfied. Help me turn to you, the Bread of Life that I minister daily to satisfy my hunger. So many loving moments! I tend to forget or gloss over caring responses of my parents, kids I played baseball with in third grade, high school acquaintances, teachers in colleges, people I worked with...and neighbors, many of whom have disappeared from my life due to moves. At times I can brood, but when I review my life through this lens, I see the many graceful times God has given me. I could write on and on, but this is the gist. I have started week one, and I was at our local church, during Exposition of the Blessed Sacrament, when I siddenly had a memory of a time when I was a child. I was in bed, but not asleep, and I heard my brother come into the house. He was crying, and I heard him tell my mother that his wife had lost the child she was expecting. I myself have had two miscarriages, and I recalled the grief I felt at those times. A thought came into my mind 'this is the pain I feel when a soul is lost' It was incredible to think that God grieves for lost sinners as much as a woman grieves for a lost child. But I did not doubt that this is so. I prayed the Sorrowful Mysteries for all sinner who are in danger of dying without repentance. Here I am again O Lord in my first week. I started last year and just went to the 8th week and then stopped, Even though I stopped, You O Lord are always in my heart. I am a Religious celebrating 43 years of serving You in the Church. As I look back to my life all I can say is THANK YOU LORD. In good times and bad times your love is always there. I have so much love to share. I am on vacation and I plan to enjoy this retreat on line. I am waiting for great miracles in my life as I am celebrating my 58 th birthday this year 2003. Love and prayers to all who journey with the Lord and us on line . We love you Lord,guide us. I am beginning day 1 of week 1 of this retreat, and thought I would share before I begin, where God is leading me, what my thoughts are now in the beginning. I speak to the Creator throughout my day, but I am amiss many times and feel I have not spoken to Him for long periods and feel bad as a result. Many blessings come while simply driving to and from work. It often is something very simple, but non the less a blessing. Late at night before bed I think of my failings and share them with God. I see myself changing daily, and I observe more progress in my Christian walk these days than I have during my twenties, thirties and forties combined. Week 1 - I have never done a retreat of any kind before, but I feel moved to attempt this one. I'm not a Catholic. In truth, I'm not much of anything, religiously speaking, but I want - I NEED God in my life. I'm hoping that this retreat will help me find myself a little closer to Him. Week 1. I have made a 30-day, a couple 8-day, a couple 3-day, and one extended "while you remain in your life" Ignatius retreats. Each time, week-one begins with the goodness and greatness of God. Each time, the first goal of week-one has been to go to a place of absolute warmth, love, and peace. It seems that my directors have not been willing to move to the next exercise until I am somewhat overwhelmed with the creative, beautiful aspect of God. But somehow it hit me this evening that it might be a benefit to my relationship with God if I do not start this retreat solely with this beautiful vision of God. As in Psalm 139, my day-to-day relationship with God is not so pure. It contains my sins, faults, needs, and pain. Maybe it is not a coincidence that many psalms, like 139, have a grumbling, spiteful segment that mares the beauty. These Psalms, these Words of God, accurately reflect the part of God Who allows evil free reign over me while loving me. I am troubled that those marrings usually prevent me from feeling God's presence. I associate them with desolation. I often feel like Job sitting on the ash pile without many options. Today, at the end of this first day of prayer on my past, I am struck with this desire: ask the Holy Spirit to allow me to begin this retreat by seeing more of the glory of God within the pains and sorrows as well as the beauty and warmth.. I hope to spend several days praying over this and see what the Spirit tells me. I started this retreat because I wanted to know just what God was asking from me at the moment. This is my first week. In my first recollections, the feelings I have is of being a bystander watching other people live, waiting for someone to notice me. It's like I' m not really living.I asked God to help me to experience this because I found this rather scary. I' m beginning to see that these are the desolations in my life. When I don't participate but watch the world go by. My first mentor was my aunt. She used to spend a lot of time teaching me the piano. It was fun to be with her. She wasn't demanding but loving. I also had an aunt Marguerite, a next door neighbor who had had polio when she was young with whom I used to look at the Sears catalogue with she was such a loving presence. These two people lit up my life. At
school I felt very much a bystander. especially in high school
escept for the choir rehearsals. We had a sister who taught
us how to sing who was a wonderful person at the same time.
She taught us how to sing well and make beautiful music, she was very
competent - but at the same time she was a beautiful human being.
I guess the grace of this week was to see what kind of people are
important to me what should I imitate and what I should discard.
I think that these people were entirely and lovingly present where
they were. When I'm just a bystander, I am not this.
Week one - Day 1 Early childhood memories - some good, some not. Today I hear " you are good enough for me to love" and today the tears are tears of joy. A wedge has been placed between my birth family and my own family for the past 25 to 26 years primarily due to the non-acceptance to who we are and what they wanted us to be. I have thought over the years I grew up in a disfunctional family, but since I started reviewing my photo album I have come to realize I had a very good family during the time I was living at home. "My asking for this week this week," was a healing of the wounds between my family and my mother, brothers and sisters. Through the reflections so far this week I have relived many wonderful times spent with my Dad, brothers, and sisters and yes even some with my Mother. I am grateful to God that I am able to feel the warm emotions for my family I had during these times and feel some healing begining in me. However, we have been seperated so long by this "Wedge of Unacceptance" that I now have a fear of uniting with them and opening old wounds. It hurts to think about it...Will they ever accept me and my family for who we are? Will they ever understand us? Oh
Holy Spirit, please give me strength and courage to continue this
path of hoping to knock down this wedge between my family and my birth
family. I know I can not do this alone, I need God's help.
Father I ask for help if it is your will. If it is Your will
Father I ask You to give me confidence to move forward on this jouney.
I am still in week 1, day one - two years later. Actually I had forgotten until I clicked on a file "olr," wondering what it was. Finally got it! I spent some time today in week one and my "photo album." In "some practical help," I read that "It's about feelings...It's about God's fidelity...It's about gratitude...It's about a journey." Over the past two years, I have only begun to understand that I have feelings. To begin to feel that I have feelings. That may be why I am stuck in week 1. Once I begin to experienced my feelings more, I hope to begin to understand God's fidelity, my gratitude and continue on the journey. It it coincidence that I clicked on "olr?" As I look at my list of photos, there is much missing, there is much pain, there seems to be noone with me on my journey, no companion, no one to talk to, no one to listen to me, no one to guide me, noone to hold me like the baby who is now my wallpaper. Maybe the pain is that I would not let anyone walk with me. I am beginning to feel that there may be someone. Right now, it is a shadowy unclear presence. Maybe it is hope. I will continue, now that I have been reunited with "olr," OnLineRetreat. Maybe the photo I should have as wallpaper is the photo from week 9. The scripture passage seems right "'Do
not be afraid. I have rescued you. Isaiah
43:1, 4, 11, 12, 13 I am stumbling through this first week. I fear that I will fail at this retreat, as I have failed at my numerous attempts to re-connect with the church (and faith) of my childhood. I've discovered a pattern though, as I reflect over my childhood. I've revisited a number of painful events, times in my life when I turned my back on God. And yet, even as I revisited them, I've heard a voice in the background saying, pleading, "But she was just a little girl." Finally, in a wash of clarity, I realized that God was with me, even at those times, and has forgiven me. He accepts my imperfections and failings, and loves me unconditionally. That realization steadies my step and gives me the courage to move forward, albeit tentatively. I feel as though I have started this retreat accidentally. I decided to take a look at it just to see what it is about and how it works. The Creighton web site has been on my favorites list for a couple of years now, mostly so I can look at the Daily Reflections page. This week, however, I wandered from my routine. It is no coincidence, I’m sure, that it happened now. Tomorrow is my 54th birthday, and the 20th anniversary of my father’s birth to eternal life. Though his death on my birthday was difficult for a few moments, I soon realized what a blessing it was. I can never forget the day Dad went home. I pray for the strength and determination to stay with the retreat through all 34 weeks. It is off to a great start. I have just started the retreat this week and am already overwhelmed by a sense of peace and love. It is absolutely amazing what being open to the idea that the Lord has always been with me and is with me each day has done for my outlook on life. This openness has allowed God's wisdom to answer some prayers and questions that have been haunting my mind. I realize that I just wasn't listening to him. How could I have ignored him for so long, even when I was begging him to answer prayers, I wasn't listening to his answers. I am so glad to be learning to understand his presence in my life. This is my first day of week number one, and already I feel the blessing of God. I am reminding of the love my dear departed mother had for me. And in the last hours of her passing, she asked my forgiveness for something that happened to me as a child. She cried that she should have protected me. This was something that neither of us ever spoke about, but we knew in our hearts it happened, and I had never had the heart/nerve to ask. But with her last breath, I could hold her in my arms, and tell her that I forgave her, and never blamed her in anyway. That she had done the best job she could, and that I never for a moment felt any less loved or protected by her. I am begining the first week. I have never understood God's love in the manner expressed in the readings. I have been blessed and touched by this new understanding. Just a sincere and heartfelt thank you from someone frail and weak in faith. I just discovered the resources you are offering to us and I just wanted you to know that your gift of the online retreat is water to those of us thirsty for closer union with God. You and those responsible are giving so much more than you know. Often,
I feel that the world is so big and I am so small. But with your help,
I hope to come to realize that although the world is big, God, although
I can't see Him is bigger and the ultimate reality.
This is my first retreat online or otherwise. I read the story on unconditional and total acceptance of each and every one of us by God. It gave me a great feeling of comfort and "warm fuzzies". (I am sure that by using that term, I am dating myself.) I am a 56 year old Native American woman who has walked a traditional Lakota Spiritual path for well over twenty years now. As I read Ignatius to say that " God wants to enter into our lives easily; from our perspective-----our ease in finding God ----this is the grace of devotion. We are all meant to be people of devotion." God, Wakan Tanka (the Great Mystery), Tunkashila (Grandfather) entered into my life those many years ago when I found my way back to the spiritual path of my ancestors. Before that time, I had walked many different paths looking and crying for one that would truly become my own. At last I found it. I had never ever experienced total acceptance before in my lifetime until then. As I study this traditional founder of the Jesuits, I see that the teachings are quite similar. The words of both ways are spoken with unconditional love to help us create with in ourselves our portion of self acceptance, self worth, self love. When I pray in the Inipi (sweat) ceremony I always pray first for self-forgiveness, leading to self awareness, self love and finally self acceptance. Like most humans, I find it much easier to do these things for others rather than myself, but I was told if I did not pray for these things for myself, I would soon run out of them to extend to others. Ahhhhh, I thought, but I know myself and all of my failings, how can I offer these things to myself unconditionally? I truly struggle with this on a sometimes daily basis. What
the reading for this first week did for me was to reawaken my deepest
faith, the faith that Gods perfect creation includes me. I find I'm
feeling a little uncomfortable saying this....but I truly think that--devoid
of ego, and I am amazed, in awe, and humbled. I can't say for how
many seasons now I have been wrestling around with my own humanness,
trying to keep in balance those forces in me that can create both
chaos and serenity. I have been quite unaccepting of that darker side
of me so I have a tendency to amplify those things in my own mind,
but tonight I looked and understood that by the grace of God, serenity
usually wins out. Now that is something I can accept tonight.
I’m grateful for having received a sense of the ups and downs of my life so far. Occasions of pure joy or pure despair are almost non-existent – even in the darkest moments there has been some light from somewhere. And joy is often tinged with sadness. God has always been there for me, though I often didn’t realize it. What’s more, God accepts and loves me 100% - even where I am now. I cried when I first got a sense of that – and I’m only just beginning to accept it. I have just begun the exercises in earnest - and am struggling with many things, not the least of which is my faith itself. The people in my group, though not who I would have chosen for this journey - are supportive and I think people I can learn from - because their outlook and experience is SO different from mine. It seems right now that God is challenging me to try new things in my life, and to think in different ways than I have always thought. I am very grateful for this program -and for the acceptance of someone like me who has fears about turning my will over to God. I was at the White House Jesuit Retreat House in August and needed a bookmark. I noticed some picture cards on a table in the lounge and took one. It's taken a couple months, but I finally checked out the Creighton website. I make a yearly retreat and have a spiritual director I see every two weeks, but there are still some strongholds of sin in my life with which I struggle. Last month was bad -- like St. Paul wrote (paraphrase) I want to do what is right, but I end up doing what I know is not God's will. About five days ago, God spoke to me and said, "Spend time with me." I had been letting my daily prayers/meditations slip again. So, I got out my Challenges book and read the meditation, sat quietly with God, and wrote a reflection. God didn't demand much time, but it really made a difference in my day and my ability to turn away from my sinful strongholds. God keeps reminding me with that quiet little voice in the back of my mind -- "Spend time with me." I've had five really great days and feel so much better about myself and life in general. I know that with God's help, anything can be overcome. Internalizing that "head knowledge" isn't the easiest thing to do, but I know through God it can be done. I've been stumbling along the path on my journey home to God for almost 61 years now, and I think this retreat structure will be a great help to me. I will be sharing my journal with my spiritual director too. I e-mailed a friend who goes on retreat with me each August and suggested that he check out the site. We could both start this retreat and meet for coffee and discuss our feeling about it occasionally. Please pray for me. I will remember all who are making this retreat in my prayers also. Thank you for this wonderful opportunity. I am very happy to have this retreat online. I have been praying to be able to make a retreat and the Lord has answered my prayers , thanks to all of you that made this possible. You are in my heart and in my prayers. This week has been an experience that I will always remember. Going back through my life I have seen where GOD has placed people in my life to bring me back to him. There have been many times in my life that have been very painful. During these periods in life I have always asked the question, Why! I do not understand why this is happening, why would GOD want me to suffer so. I have looked back and at no time was GOD far from me, in fact he was there with me, all the way. Even though I was going through a rough time, there was at least one person who showed me the way back home. Not to despair, to understand that I was loved greatly. That all that went before this moment in time, made me the person I am today. That person is loving, forgiving, understanding and worthy of Love. This is something that I can take back to my CCD class and share this love with them. And maybe be that one person in their lives who will show them the way. What a wonderful week I have had. I thank God for giving me the grace to make this retreat and pray that all who are making this retreat will be greatly blessed, too. I am 56 years old, married to a non-Catholic for 31 years, and the mother of 3 grown children. Being a cradle Catholic I took so much of my faith for granted. I always knew God loved me, but He was like that distant cousin who only came around at funerals or weddings. Eighteen years ago I made a Cursillo and that opened up a whole new experience for me. My personal relationship with Jesus just grew and grew and grew. It is still growing. I have become much more involved with my church (Eucharistic Minister, Lector, Minister to the Sick) things I would have never done before. Even being open to things such as this On-Line Retreat. I have come to realize that our lives are a mixture of good and evil, pleasant and ugly, happy and sad. Reviewing my life against the backdrop for the first week made it so simple to see God's Hand in all that I have gone though and done. God is so good, and so full of surprises. I feel that God is going to bless all of us who make this retreat even more so than He has already done. With His help we will look back on this 34 week retreat and wonder where on earth did the time go. I just feel it. May God continue to bless all of us, and Thank you, Lord!!!!!! I often discern right and know what I really need, and yet I don't desire enough to choose it. This is the second time, which I have decided to start the online retreat. Tomorrow will be the second beginning. I feel ashamed, I am not helping myself to let God help me. I don't know where the Lord wants to lead me in the spiritual exercises; and yet, I know I should be moving ahead. Can't thank God enough, and the Jesuits for the online oasis. Lord, receive my entire being - specially my inability, for you are the enabler. My life as a DRE is extremely busy these days of September. As I was looking for resources for an upcoming reflection, I came to this web site. I followed the guide along the side of the screen, "If only I had the time to do this" I mused. When I came to the Prayers I read Edward Hays: "Blessed Are You, Lord, Our God". And I glanced at the stack of books piled high on the floor to the right of my computer, there was Edward Hays' book: Prayers for the Domestic Church. I guess I will find time for this retreat after all! Thanks and blessings for this opportunity. I seem to have started my spiritual journey late,at the age of 53. Now I wish I had all of those years to redo this. As I was reflecting over mychildhood it dawned on me that I never really realized that God was with me all the way. Looking back now I see the people he put in my path to lead me to where I am and I am grateful for that. I was so exited to meet the 34 week on-line retreat and wanted to start it. I was not confident. but preparing for the retreat, I came to think that I can't do it , but God can lead me for the retreat. So, I am beginning. From 47 year- old woman in Seoul, South Korea Thank you for having this on-line retreat. I spend some quiet time every morning before I leave for work and I have been looking for something else that would bring my relationship to God stronger and closer. As I reflect on my photo album, it has made me realize that God was always present and I was surrounded with his love no matter what or where I was. It also has made realize that I was never alone even in a crowd of kids, teenagers or adults. I have known this for quite awhile but to truly reflect on it has brought an acceptance and has calmed my soul. I have been looking back at my life over the past few days in accordance with the first week of this retreat. I am amazed at just how many specific moments that I was able to recall. I am only 22 years old, and still the memories keep flooding back. Anyone who knows me would tell you that I am a very sentimental and nostalgic person, perhaps to a fault at times, but I’ve come to appreciate the tremendous gift God has given each of us in our lives. From the mundane tasks of getting dressed in the morning or cooking dinner to the most important moments of births, marriages, and job promotions, all of these events are miracles that we never fully appreciate when they happen. This retreat has already opened my eyes to see the amazing gift from God in every moment of my day. God bless! Why am I terrified about this process - even about beginning the retreat? why do I feel I need permission from someone to take the time? I'm starting this retreat not knowing where it may take me, but trusting in God's plan for me. I hope everyone will think of me and pray for me, as I will for all of us setting out on this special journey wherever we are in our lives and indeed throughout the world. I am sure God will guide each and everyone of us. Here goes, I start tomorrow! While reading the readings for the first week, the telephone rang. A friend was calling to say she completed a 5k run for breast cancer with my name on her back as a survivor. I was overwhelmed by this sincere act of thoughtfulness knowing that she loved me and had me on her mind as she completed this endeavor. The connection between this act of kindness and the readings prove how God has a way of showing all of us what we need at certain times in our daily life. The generosity of so many friends brought me through many rough times and affirming this is another testimony to me of God's presence. I am looking forward to taking part in this online retreat. I have a very busy, stressful day. I am committed to setting time aside each day for reflection. I am an oncologist. I see many tragedies. I have been very busy. Unfortunately there are too many patients with little time. The little time that I have is left for my family. I rarely am able to set time aside for myself. I
hope that this retreat will stimulate me to set aside reflective time.
I look forward to the experience. I began the retreat today on 9/17/02. I'm grateful that your organization is putting this on, it is something I really need. This morning I wrote in my journal about the photographs from age 1-15. The biggest reflection that I had was that I think I have always craved attention from my mother, I would cry on my pony's neck wishing that I had another mother, or once I sat slumped at my sister's house because my mom didn't recognize me or pay attention to me when she walked in the door after driving down from her house in New England. I guess I've had quite a chip on my shoulder about this for many years...she didn't do it on purpose, just from drinking and her own problems she couldn't really nuture very much. I wonder if God can heal this wound, it seems so deep, and angry, and bitter. I've tried to find love in food, or the attention of men, ect. Even tonight I want to call a new friend to see if he would take me out for dinner. But I'm calming down some after coming to this website, and will prepare my own dinner. I'm not really sure what is involved in the excersises, guess I will have to read about that. God bless! I'm just beginning and struggling not to let my self fall into the "I don't think I'm doing this right. I bet others are doing it better than me" trap. I need to remember that my prayer is my prayer. My relationship with God is my relationship with God. God doesn't compare me to others and find me wanting. Neither should I. I guess it's all about trusting God and allowing my life to become more "God-shaped" as I let go and hand over my will, my fears and insecurities and even my false expections of myself and others to God. Hmm! I've got a long way to go but at least I've put my foot on the path. I was so exited to meet the 34 week on-line retreat and wanted to start it. I was not confident. but preparing for the retreat, I came to think that I can't do it , but God can lead me for the retreat. So, I am beginning. I am a 47 year- old woman in Seoul, South Korea. I'm on Day 4 of the first week of this retreat. I printed out the guide for the week on the 1st of April. It's taken me this long to feel I am willing 100% to commit to the process as well as to the time commitment to do the readings, prayers, and journal entries. I'm in my 50s, have been a member of a 12-step group since the mid-1970s, & don't feel any fear of the process of writing the photo album of my life. I spent Days 1 + 2 on birth thru childhood "photos," Days 3 + 4 on photos of my teens & 20s. Tomorrow it's on to my 30s, then the next day to my 40s, & finally on Day 7, my 50s & now. I am finding God in my photos. He was with me all along, even though I hadn't realized it at the time. And I find myself looking at things differently now than I did earlier. For example, things in my childhood that looked one way to me as a child or a teen look entirely different to me now, especially things concerning my parents. I feel like I'm losing mental & mental baggage I've carried all my life. I'm also finding I've never really ever been totally alone, even when I thought I was. Thanks to others who have shared here. Thanks to all who make this retreat possible online. I have just begun the retreat - in a time, where I find I very much need to stay focused, make decisions and ask for guidance every day. I am also working the 12-step-programm of Eamotions Anonymous, and find I need to work some of the steps again - more honesty with myself still required. I came to EA, after some years of reflection upon a powerful spiritual experience had turned me into a Catholic, to respond to it - I realised, I was still stuck in old patterns of behaviour, not able to respond as fully as I hoped. Now, looking at the page with the foto of the baby - I feel very strongly and painfully - it is time, I accept (!) the gift of god's presence fully, and every day now. I think, that will probably my daily prayer for week 1 - no need to go into anything else right now, and it should help me with some of those decisions, I need to make, steps to take. Thank you! Barbara I have already cancelled my suscription to the N.Y. Times so as to have sufficient tiime to devote to the 34-week Retreat program.The Wall Street Journal is next. Since I won't see 82 again its imperative to allocate my time in the most beneficial manner.The Retreat is it! My name is Maryaam. I am beginning my online retreat today. I am ready to begin the Spiritual Exercises. My spiritual director has been suggesting it and now I am starting. Thank you for setting up such a complete and easy program. It is magnificent and simple. I will begin looking at the photo album tonight... Peace be with you! Coming back home!!! I've been a Roman Catholic in my native country (Brazil) and a good daughter of the Ignatian spirituality till 1996 when I had to retire early (46) due to a multiple sclerosis. During the disease, completely abandoned by my Catholic community, mainly when memories of a very severe childhood abuse came over, I've decided to quit the Church and to enter first the Lutheran Church here then the Anglican (Episcopal)Church. But I soon discovered that the Protestant tradition lacks the deepness of spirituality that the Spiritual Exercises I've attended here (30 days, 8 days, and those of the 19th Note) provided to my life. So, I'm coming back, now as an Anglican laywoman, being prepared to be a pastor and almost completely recovered. May the Holy Spirit inspire all of us, mainly at the beginning of this nice 34-week retreat. I am about to make the journey thru the retreat. At one time during 1985 thru 1990, I was very close to the Lord, had many gifts of the Spirit, working with people, a group leader, a leader in the Charismatic Movement, then I had to move from the area due work. From then all went downhill, kept sliding, never went to Mass for ten years, committed many sins, caused many heartaches for family. Now I am trying to rebuild all this and get back to the Lord, receive the Holy Spirit as before, be an instrument of the Lord, do as He commands, do His will, not mine. All prayers will be welcome. Thank you. In some ways this has been a difficult week for me. First, with the rest of the world, I have been depressed , confused, and even anxious. I thought the retreat would help me focus on God and his love and care for us. It did, somewhat. But the real grace came through the people who live with me (in a retirement community) . Fifteen people who don't have a computer have expressed an interest in the retreat. I printed the weekly guide for each one and made a copy of the other pages to leave in a binder in the chapel where everyone can read it. This week I'll find our how many want to continue and how many would like to form a sharing group. The grace to coordinate all that has been the grace I'm most grateful for this week. June This has been a very difficult week for so many people and our country. I think this is a blessing that our online retreat is starting this week. So many of us will be able to use the power of prayer in a concerted effort. I pray that our country and our people will stay strong for what
may lie ahead. I pray for a good retreat for those starting and
continuing their retreats. I thank God for the blessings he has
given me. As I have put off starting the first week--looking back on my past is something I try not to do--it was so painful---but now I must look back on it in a different light--there was a bible reading--when the disciples were arguing over who was going to be first--and our Lord took a child and told them that unless they became as little children, they would not enter into the kingdom of heaven--how I have heard that parable since I went to summer bible school--but never had I read the rest of it--"and my father looks into their angel's faces every day"--I turned to Jesus and asked where was my angel during all the time I was both physically and psychologically abused--and his answer::"who do you think brought you to reading books"-- I have often stated that the only way I made it thru my childhood
without murdering my stepmother (she should have been permanently
institutionalized) was that I could start reading a book--and
I was gone from that terrible place--now, my story has to have a
different slant in someway--I'm still not sure how--but it will be
different than the one I thought I was going to have to write!For
some time I have known the need for a structured retreat but could not
find the time nor place to do so. I consider it yet another grace to
have come across this site as I sense this will indeed help further
my development. During this part of week one, I have been
going through my life's 'photo album' and the daily reflections with
nightly prayers of gratitude HAVE put a smile on my face again. This
time, I am laughing but I am not alone. Jesus is laughing very heartily
with me as I make the discoveries of His faithfulness in my life to this
very day. I have looked at the good, the bad and the ugly... Grace will
take me home. After reading last Sunday's reflection I found myself praying:
"Father, your love fills me with hope."
I have been thinking about making a retreat for some time now, but with my busy work schedule which keeps me close to home and my two dogs (Doc, my twice abandoned mutt and Molly, my chocolate lab), who are not always welcomed at retreat houses, I have decided to start this 34 week online Ignation retreat on 1 January, 2001. Actually, even though it sounds like I am deciding to do this, all I am probably really doing is stopping the resistance to an adventure I always wanted to take! So! Let the Adventure Begin! Participacion Mystique! Joyfully Particiapte
in the Vicissitudes of the Mystery of Life! He is the Truth, the Way and
the Life! He is the Adventure! Let's Go! Nunc usque ad nunc dimittis!
I am accessing this retreat for the first time because I am feeling a need to seek peace in my heart. I am plagued with such a feeling of jealousy and mistrust toward someone that causes me to be blinded to reality at times. I love the Lord and know that he does not want this failure to exist in my heart, but I am not able to manage this rush of emotion. I need prayer. First day of my retreat. I am 74 and have been wanting to make an Ignatian Retreat most of my life. I am a caregiver to my husband and there is little time for me to attend Mass, etc. I scanned these pages this evening and in our newspaper the Web address for the Retreats was there. How happy I am. My granddaughter is expecting a new baby any day now and for week one there is the baby. The other picture of the mother with the child listening to her belly reminds me of my granddaughter and her number one child, Abigayle who is three. The new baby will be named Alexander. How approppriate that God would lead me to St. Ignatias on this day. There are no words to describe this blessing on this early hour of the the day. All of you my companions on this journey are so beautiful! As I read the shared experiences, my heart goes out to you. My first week on this retreat, as I consider the 'better' of two choices. I thought that I was the only one who had thoughts such as ours, but now I see otherwise. My life has been lonely, but it is changing. I like to think that I have trust in God, and that my love for
Jesus will see me through. Patience...I don't have any!
What am I looking for and why? My wife and I are just starting this retreat. I am certain we will benefit from it. I just wanted to share some thoughts: 1. God Bless ALL who make this retreat site possible!!!!!!! I am proud to be a graduate of Loyola Univ., Chicago. 2. I am in the medical profession and has the distinct pleasure of helping to care for Dr. Paul Tillich many years ago at the University of Chicago Hospitals. I spent quite a bit of time just speaking with him. He was much easier to talk to than to read some of his books and I told him that too; he laughed. My point is your mention of him is discussing Faith brought to mind another definition I have found useful by R. Niebuhr who, I believe, defined Faith as the "belief that life however difficult or strange, has ultimate meaning." I offer that as a help. 3. Those, like my wife and I, who look for a Site like yours and begin such a retreat, are already based on God. We go to Mass most every day we are off work, yet...we still need more faith. I wish it was as simple as being on a ladder and jumping when God asks us to. It would be just great if we could just be with God spiritually in this life as easily as just walking into a store.... just say yes to God and we FEEL Him with us always in this life. If only it were so simple; we just have to go to Mass, pray, meditate, do retreats till we, one day know the "ultimate meaning" of our lives. So we start the retreat with God's blessing wanted to get closer to Him. Today is my first day using this tool to find my way on my continuing journey to God. I am grateful to St. Anthony Messenger for bringing this site to my attention. I am surrounded by many tools for spiritual growth, but this one has captured my interest, and I have made it my home page on my computer. I have learned and believe that God loves me no matter what, and each moment of each day invites me to begin again. This time, Lord, change my heart! Day 1 is not even here and yet I find things to share...my need for retreat so great but the overwhelming feeling that i will not get through this inner journey. I know that it will be guided by God if I ask but what will come of it all? As I attempt this I ask for gentle guidance. For the graces
that I can handle and that will renew me and the adjacent world
in the Sacred Heart. Bless you all. I can not tell you how grateful I am to have this retreat, it is a source of immence comfort in my life. Thank you so very much. I just want to say that I am so happy to have found this Online Retreat. I found it in an article in our Catholic newspaper. I've been wanting to do a retreat but because of being a single parent with three children (two still at home) I feel it is very hard for me to get away. This gives me the opportunity to do that without leaving my home. I try to find a quiet time when everyone else is either sleeping or not at home so that I can take the time to really read and reflect on all the readings and prayers, etc. Thank you so much for providing the opportunity to do so. I am sure that you have reached many just like me that are searching and yearning for more meaning in their lives and this has provided the opportunity to find some of that. Thank you. I found your web site in the Catholic Herald. I haven't been to church in several months. It just doesn't seem worth my time. But here I am BLESSED. I can't type the words fast enough for the overflowing of the Holy Spirit that I am experiencing. I am a email computer buff. I think the Lord has a plan for me. He wants me to turn everyone I know on to this wonderful way to pray. Thank you I have just started this 34 week on-line retreat. I have always felt about 17 that God called me. But in reflection of my earliest memories, I see so much of God in my life. Blessings of families, protection from harm. A family who loved nature, and its that nature that God used to call me to Her. The earliest of memories is being about 7 sitting on the beach near Port Angeles Washington, at Crescent beach, a sandy beach, long to shore, drift wood high, slowly sloping to the straits. Across the water is Vancouver Island. Sun sets were awe inspiring, and so young I would just sit and watch. To this day, Nature is the way God speaks loudest to me. She is the ultimate of artists, and all I have to do is open my eyes, tune my ears, take a deep breath, and reach out and touch..and I do not have to wear white gloves to touch this art work. I do not have to be rich monetarily to see it daily, this art is not in a museum in Paris, but every where is Holy Ground. The key is to open my heart. Thank you for letting me share. I feel so blessed, and more so
now. Please remember me in your prayer as I begin this journey into my desert. May God bless you. This is the first day of week one. My childhood had its ups and downs. And I really can't or won't complain. I remember my dad teaching me the "now I lay be down to sleep" prayer and saying it with me when he was home. I know that he loved me. I know that mom loved me. But I was a bad kid. I stole, I lied, I cheated, and I did things I couldn't possible disclose here...I did things that forever haunt me. I was but a child....but why I was so bad, I don't know. I can't explain. It must have been horrible for my parents oh the shame and pain I must have brought to them. I later did things far worse........and for all these things I don't forgive myself. How could Jesus forgive me? No matter how many retreats, reconcilliations or praying I've done....I just can't forgive myself. That little child...that was me. A bad child. That was me. Perhaps, I don't want to forgive myself. I think that if I forgive myself....then somehow all is forgotten. And that doesn't work for me. So as I make this journey, this retreat, perhaps God will somehow truly lift from my soul this guilt I have. But as I start this journey, I can't help but think that it will end like so many other journeys...and yet, maybe this is the one....just maybe. So pray for me. Tom I want to thank the online ministry for this retreat. I started it last year and got so "busy" that I let it go after about 12 weeks. I was so glad that it was still there when I got back to it this fall. I have re-started and plan to go to the end. The daily meditations and "tips" are most helpful. Thank you for not only helping your alumni with spirituality, but also for the service you give nationwide. I ear-marked my alumni donation to your cause. Thank you for touching my life. Oh my God, the graces are many, the doubts are silenced. I only pray that I can fully mirror back the many blessings received. I also pray for a journey filled with courage to know, hope to give, joy expressed, and love in action. Only with You, may I know my way. My first day with this long retreat. We are asked to review our lives. My life has taken me to a place I do not want to continue. Last night I was contemplating removing myself from it. Today I found your site and with little reflection I find that my early years were filled with love and warmth and joy. The foundation was well built. With the Lord's help, perhaps with study, the way can again be found to embrace the joy he has promised. The first day of retreat, started a week later than I had thought to. Never mind why. Excuses abound. I come kicking and screaming. I have "so much to do". I have "had bad experiences with Ignatian retreats". I "get bored with stuff like this". I have faithfully read the daily offices for years, and I'm still in a blue funk. I've "tried all this stuff before, and I just backslide". I have all sorts of personal issues I maybe ought to settle first. And that's exactly why I'm writing this. I suspect "my name is legion" (though God knows me as Katherine, and you may use my name, as He does.) Because somehow, He HAS gotten me this far---even though kicking and screaming, and there's your first miracle! And perhaps if someone else is dragging their feet, we can hold each other's spiritual hands, and just GET ON WITH IT. So God can do what he does best---take our other hand and "lead us in the way everlasting". I've just started the retreat and so far its been a powerful experience. One insight I've gained is that God has created all the things, events, and people I've experienced and continue to experience for my benefit. For example, during the period of my life when my marriage was breaking up, God comforted me and guided me by sending a good friend into my life. Although I didn't know it at the time, he turned out to be the person who helped me through that painfulpart of my life. The funny thing was that he didn't give me any advice or consolation, he just was there to be my friend ; exactly what I needed. I also learned that all the major turning points in my life were connected to each other. Starting at an early age, it seems that one event or series of events seemed to set the stage for the others. God was there preparing me for each crossroad, granting the strength, patience and faith to live through each crisis. At each point, I could've gone in a different direction but I realize now that God was there guiding me or making sure all things would turn out right. I'm very enthusiastic about continuing on my journey and discovering
and receiving other insights and graces from God. But just
to realize that God is always with me might be all the grace I
need. Wow! Friend told me she would forward this site to me, and she did -- several weeks ago. I looked at the first page briefly and then closed and saved it. It's always amazing how the Spirit works. For the last week or so I've been thinking about my life, starting with my earliest memories (1). I had not even looked at the info regarding the on-line retreat process. As always, the Holy Spirit was preparing me for a journey I had not yet even bought tickets for. Right now, 6:30 p.m., Tuesday night, I was scheduled to begin teaching my summer course at the community college where I work. But this morning, after interviewing for a position I am considering for Fall, I experienced abject pain that brought me to the Emergency Room. My husband is out of town, we have no health insurance, and I am waiting for a very late paycheck. I truly did not know where to turn, until I just gave the problem and the pain to the Lord. By 11:30 a. m., I had been seen by a very nice and competent doctor who sent me away with free antibiotics. I drove home in great pain and asked my neighbor, who is about to deliver her fourth baby any day, to go to the pharmacy for me to pick up the pain medication that the doctor prescribed. While she was gone, I was in so much pain that I thought I could not stand to wait for her return. But within the hour, the strong antibiotic began to work on the bad infection and I began to feel relief from the pain. When I awoke from a good sleep brought about by the drug, I went to check my E-mail and decided to enter this site. Isn't it interesting what the Lord does for us while we're planning our own days? This is not what I planned to do this evening. Giving one's life to one's King each morning, and asking Him where he wants one to serve, is a grand adventure. When I found this retreat on the web I was not prepared for the fact that (strangely enough) on Mother's Day, I would open the picture of a mother holding her baby as the first step of the retreat. I was shocked and every fibre of my being screamed out against continuing the retreat. The deep seated memory of my infancy brings forth an overwhelming feeling of fear and dread which is imbedded in my body to this day. After I wanted to flee from this image and memory, I realised that I have to continue this work and ask the Lord to lead me through it. And maybe, even though I am not a Catholic, at the end, I can ask The Virgin Mary to be my mother and set my earthly mother free from all this shared pain. Thank you for this retreat and thank you for letting me share.
Please pray for me as I will pray for the others on this retreat.
What is touching me today is that I don't need to be liked. Be who I am (without a mask) first before God, then to myself, and then to everyone else. Robin Thank you so much for providing this space for people to participate in this retreat. I have just started the retreat, but it is a wonderful way to remember to pray each day. I appreciate the work that has gone into this. I am telling as many people as I can about the site. Personally I am finding the exercises, especially the first week , rather painful. However the gift that is coming out of all this is that I find that God has been with me my whole life. Through all the garbage and the joyful times that I have had with my wonderful husband for the last 37 years. A prayer from Missouri. Please pray for me as I begin this retreat. I am in an unhappy marriage, but wish to stay for the sake of my teenage son. I also have found someone whom I love, but we both also love God, and therefore do not wish to do anything sinful. Pray that we can stay friends, and that our love will bring only good to both of us. I am going through a very miserable time in my life right now. I didn't know what I was going to do! I felt like walking out on my family. I am depressed, feel worthless, am always tired and had no idea where to turn for help. The Lord works in mysterious ways!!! I was surfing the internet and came upon this Retreat!!! I know I was sent there. Please Pray that I am able to keep with it and hopefully find the help I need. I can't thank the people enough for making this Retreat possible. Reading what other people are going through indeed helped me. It must have been God's will that I start this retreat now..many things happened this week..problems cropping up..and I am miles and miles away from my family and I have no one to turn to but God... I stayed the whole day today sunday in my apt alone and spending more time with the Lord...I have been wanting to make this retreat but has been unable to in the past..it's been there waiting to be opened and finally today I'm starting it...and even from the start I am filled with awe by God's unconditional love for me..i can't help it but share the same immediately to my friends..hoping that they too may find time and go thru this online retreat.. Thank you. You have been made instrument of God and to him be the
glory...i am at peace amidst all the trials and challenges in my life right
now knowing that God will never abandon me..he who began the good work in
me will be faithful to complete it. As I start this retreat, and reflect upon my life, the photo draws my attention. The young woman is holding a naked, squirming baby. Her hold is strong, firm, supportive. She has snuggled her face next to the baby's. It turns away; her breath is only a whisper in its ear. So much like me in the arms of God. How I wiggle and squirm to have my own way. God is there holding me, supporting me...no matter which way I turn. Even when I look away from His face...turn from His love...He is a whisper in my ear...the voice softly saying, "I love you". I am just beginning this retreat. As I reflect on the past I realize how blessed I am to be at this point in my life. As a single mother of four growing children I have been helped through some very ugly times by God and family and friends. My only regret is that I didn't trust in God enough to let him work in my life more fully before. I am greatful that in my darkest hours God was there to comfort and help, all I had to do was lean on him. I was so afraid of change I was willing to hold on to the ugliness, at least this I thought I could deal with, the unknown was scary. Today I am in that unknown of yesterday and let me share with you that it is beautiful. God is truly great and does look out for his creatures. I may not have all the worldly luxuries of yesterday, but to use an old phrase, money doesn't buy happiness. My spiritual life has blossomed. I hope to grow by doing this retreat more peaceful and joyful in Gods presence. I just began the retreat yesterday. Between then and now, I've been surprised at how many times during the course of the previous day and evening my thoughts returned to the pictures of my life. The one thought that came to me yesterday as I thought about my very early childhood, is how much I may have been shaped by the pictures that I don't have. By this I mean many "normal" things that you would expect from a reasonably happy childhood. But, more important, in thinking of God's presence in my life at that time, I see that God took care of me and compensated for the things that were lacking. God truly is good! I've just started on this retreat. As both a Christian minister and as a full-time academic I've been increasingly aware that my life has been pretty focused on giving of myself. Giving in ministry to the flock that Our Lord has placed in my care; and giving in the form of needing to be there, in so many different ways, for all my students at the University where I teach...and then there's my own research etc! This is OK - except that there comes a time when a Soul needs to refuel, to receive: ...so this is where I'm at. I need to receive - so I'm starting this retreat on a very selfish note, with the words "I want". Please pray for me. I just started this as a suggestion from a UNITY minister. what a joy. iIhave been in the dark night of the soul and now Ifind others like me. God bless Creighton for this. Pray for me. I wonder how the other people on campus manage to sleep with that extremely large red flame of the Holy Spirit rising from the Collaborative Ministry Department of yours. I cannot find the words to tell you how great this program is, from the Reflections, Tips,Guideposts, Prayers etc. For years I've tried to find a way to make and Ignatian retreat in Grand Coteau. La. but that is about 300 miles from where I live. The Lord seems to have a way of seeing that we get what we need when we need it. Thank all of you who make this program possible. Will visit with you later on my journey. May Our Lord Bless You and keep you online. Mary Rose When my weekly edition of the newspaper of our local diocese arrived today, I found the address of your website and decided that I was going to make this retreat. It will be the first retreat that I have ever made. It's ironic that I found it today as today would have been our 38th wedding anniversary but my husband died 10 years ago in September. Needless to say, I have had some bad times in my life but nothing to compare to the last 10 years. Hopefully, in making this retreat I will be more aware of God's
mercy and many blessings he has bestowed on my life in spite
of the pain and lonliness that has been there.
This is the first time I am going to try out an on-line retreat, and if what they are saying is true about things that have purpose, then there must be one as to why I accidentally stumbled upon it. I would like to ask for your prayers regarding this endeavor. It has been a very tiring journey for me and my life has led me to a blank wall. I pray that the retreat will give me the necessary nourishment for my spiritual drought. Please ... I really need your prayers. Thank you very much.
I just began my first day of the 34 week retreat. I was so touched by The Courage To Accept Acceptance. It made me think about myself & how I have that need. Yes, I have actually boasted about myself just because I wanted to feel appreciated. But also, it has made me think of others. I find myself judging my own daughters when they don't do things the way I think they should do them. It is an eyeopener when you know your are judging your own flesh & blood. I pray that I will constantly be reminded to accept. I also think of my nephew who has struggled for so long not knowing how to love himself let alone feel that he deserved any love from others. If the remaining weeks affect me as the very first day has, it will be amazing. I am thankful daily that I have been blessed abundantly. I am very thankful to be introduced to this retreat on line. Yet another blessing from God. I have never been able to get away to a retreat due to health issues so I am very appreciative to have this opportunity. My heartfelt thanks to the masterminds behind this great idea. I read about this on-line retreat in my Archdiocesan newspaper, & have been trying to make up my mind to start it, as 34 weeks seems like a long time & I'm afraid I won't do a good job of keeping up the proper pace. I just want to state this openly, & possibly after writing this I will go to what others are saying & find there what I need to convince myself to start. Bless everyone who is contributing to this effort. I start today. May God guide me on this journey and all who read this pray for me. I will pray for you. God please bless us on this search for a deeper love of you and an understanding of your will.............. It is just the first day of week one and I found such striking "Aha's!" in the resource materials one of which I do not yet feel comfortable stating ("difficult memories") but a couple I do. About two months ago I went into our attic at a time when the family was away to prepare a "business plan" for "Becoming A Better Human Being". Just this week I received the results from my first 360 degree review at work and note that this development need is expressed by others about me in different ways that reflect on leadership competencies. Now I see in the article of Acceptance the phrase "..to be more human" and I realize I am perhaps not using silly language to describe my growth requirement. Every once in awhile I stop and say three Hail Mary's. If it is
as I am searching in frustration for something mundane, a tax
related document or my daughters second sneaker, for no apparent
reason a fog lifts and I find it. More recently I have been doing
this each early morning at work before others arrive and "forget about
it" as the day proceeds. Then while making the long commute home I
think, what happened? Today was pretty good, not like the day before
- when I had not taken the time to Pray. Then I read "While doing
all the ordinary tasks we do in our everyday lives, we will be using
that background space to give a distinctive tone to our week. This
won't be a distraction to our work, ..but it will eventually make a
difference in how we experience our work" and I see how to add 2 +
2. I started this retreat only a few days ago and already my "background" thoughts are absorbed in memories from my past and the knowledge of God's constant presence in my life. ~~ I have been reminded this week of an image that a priest shared with me at a healing service I attended a few years ago. After he prayed with me, he told me he had a vision of me sitting at Christ's feet and he was looking at me with total love and adoration - like a father would look at a child he loves and accepts totally. As I review the scrapbook of my life, I hold that image in front of me. I find a sense of peace knowing that, even when I felt frightened and alone, Christ never left my side. I am so glad I found this on-line retreat. This is a time of potential for me. My little girl will be going back to school, to the third grade. She has autism, I feel so blessed to have her, she is so filled with love and joy. With her in school, it gives me a fresh start to pick up my dreams to grow as an artist. I have been asking the Lord to provide me with someway to use my art to serve Him. In any case it is good to think of God being with me to guide me. Thank you for providing this online retreat. Today is the first day of the first week of my retreat. I'm so thankful to have found this site in order to do this retreat on-line. Reflecting on the "photo album" of my life has given me the opportunity to see how God has been with me every step of the way. I reflected on the first 13 years of my life today and realized how bleesed I've been to have the parents that God gave to me. It has also reminded me about how selfish I've been in my life, and how little I've given back to others. I now am praying to Our Lord to show me the way that I should be paying back for my good fortune. I ask those who read this message to pray for me to reach that purpose in my life. I'm in the second day of my first week and I'm very happy amidst my chaotic life that I find God in this web page. Truly,it's very difficult to be what God wants you to be because all natural inclinations lead you to rebel against God. I'm new in America and I feel so confused and lonely. I seek solace in the internet hoping that people I meet there will provide the company and friendship that i need. But things turned out the different way, it seems I get attached to people I barely know. I get addicted to their company and wants to stay online forever just to talk to them. I get addicted to them. I know that I need God badly so I want to seek Him, not seek Him on others. One thing also, I will have my PT board exam and I'm so afraid that I'll fail. The first week theme of the retreat on looking back on my past made me realize that God never failed to help me ever since I was in grade school. He made me pass all my important exams, even if sometimes without much help from me. It was all a miracle. And this retreat will surely help me trust in God again. To offer Him everything and to have faith that He'll see me through. God bless to all who are making this retreat. God have mercy on us all! I thought I would like to share with people out there on this retreat my experience of the first week ... I must say that God has been faithful, in that He has allowed me to understand and better appreciate his ongoing presence in my life, even for those periods when I never gave him conscious attention. God has plucked me from the jaws of death, He has saved me from total despair, He has taught me that love is beautiful, but also that it involves pain and sacrifice...For that I am most grateful. But today, what I most want to share is also that this first week
has not been one where every question I pose to God has been
answered. There are jagged edges and "unsolved mysteries"...
Remnants of pain and hurt that still do not make sense, maybe because
the lesson has not been revealed. But, I have decided to press
on and keep talking to God in a way that I have not been able to for
years. I urge fellow "retreaters", to KEEP PRAYING IN SPITE OF
AMBIGUITY... Peace be with you.
I've hit a very dry period spiritually. Please pray for me as I begine Week 1 of this Retreat. Companions on the journey! Pray for me! I am so weak. I only recently beagan this on-line journey; I am in week one, 3rd day. I am a sex addict, and my addiction does not want me to make this journey. It does not want me to accept the fact that I am lovable and acceptable in God's eyes. It wants me to flee this sight and never return. It wants me to give up on God as I feel s/he has given up on me. It wants me to lose myself in the pleasures of my addiction so that I am perpetually bound to it and never free to be my authentic self. It lies to me and tells me that my authentic self is me living in my addiction. It wants me to give up before I even start. After two days of feeling very close to God, and being connected to myself and others; I am so conflicted. Pray for me, as I pray for you. Week 1. The idea of cultivating a grateful attitude towards all of my experiences, the painful as well as the joyful, is very meaningful to me. Being from a family where alcholism was present, I have struggled with depression all of my life. For me, part of the struggle is to let go of the many stimulants I use to dull the ever-present anxiety that has been my constant companion. As an "abandoned child" - a child whose parents, because of their own pain, could not be present for their children - the world has tended to confound me - presenting itself as a frightening, intimidating place in which I am basically alone. Going through and allowing all of those feelings to manifest is difficult, brutal at times. Some of us shouldn't do this without a counsellor or twelve step support group. I've frequently made use of both over the years. It helps me to remember that my pain is not mine alone. The pain in my life is the pain of all humanity - indeed of all of God's creatures. It is the pain of all us, trying to climb out of our situation as small and frightened (ulitmately separate,alone) creatures in an impermanent world; to transcend that limited role and realize our larger self - our true identity as aspects of the Body of Christ. It is learning to respond not from from fear, which isolates us, but from love which unites us. It is allowing the light of God to shine on those wounded places where so many experiences and memories lay frozen; places where our hearts and minds do not want to go because going there will bring up feelings of vulnerablity, aloness, abandonment, loss; these places remind us that we are small creatures in an impermanent world. To me this pain is meaningful as it represents the small creature coming up against its limitations - limitations it imposes on itself by its way of thinking and relating to reality. In other words, we create our condition as something small, seperate, alone, by our thoughts and behaviors, by relating to the world that way. Thank you for this gift of the Online retreat. I began Week 1 & loved the article on "The Courage to Accept". Day 1 of the first week.... this retreat found me in the midst of a spiritual desert.... the whole concept of spiritual desert seems odd to me at the moment because it is precisely when I feel most alone that the Lord finds me somehow. I feel like he has at least taken my hand to help me turn back to him. And I am so grateful to HIM for loving me the way I know he does. 2nd day of Week 1... My desert has water in it.... It has been such a blessing for me to look at the photo album of my life because although some of the pictures are very painful and difficult to look at, I can see so clearly in others that the Lord has been present throughout it all... HE has walked with me. I see it in the face of my pepere who looked lovingly upon me my entire life ~ even when I dont think there was much to love. He was the face of God to me then. Another picture in my mind is much more recent and it is of a man on the other end of a phone who POURS out his love for the Lord to me, shares with me his life experiences and helps me to see how nothing is impossible with GOD... I arrogantly thought for so long that I was the one meant to grace this persons life by leading him back to the Lord, but God has lovingly brought him into my life for him to lead ME... I see the face of God in him now. Bean Started the retreat last week, but only worked on it for 3 days. Had a hard time finding memories to look at. Signed on this Monday morning thinking it is time to go to week two, but I'm not getting much out of this. For 72 years, I have prayed by rote, wishing I could do more. Looked at the Sharings and saw that others are taking more than seven days to get through a week. Thank you for leading me, and now I must get back to week one. This is my first week of the long retreat and I am so thankful that the Spirit led me to this rich place on my computer. It blesses my computer to have such eternal truth in it. The readings fill me with new desire to give more-more-more to the Lord. To have found a place like this takes away some of the guilt I may have felt searching the web and finding nothing uplifting. God took care of that. I am looking forward to each new week God bless all who labored to make this possible. The first week has just started. How important for me to know that God accepts me just as I am. More important to me is God's desire to have me in heaven for eternity. For many decades I was too busy to really concentrate upon a spiritual goal, even though all my work was focused upon goals. Now I set as my goal to pray daily that God will guide me and have mercy on me so I can be deemed ready to be in his presence at my death. I've just begun my retreat journey and I'm filled with expectation. Having read through the initial guides, the readings, the prayers, I feel this is what I'm needing for this time in my life. I'm not in a study/prayer group at this time, which I miss so much. I would never have dreamed that a computer could provide a place of retreat. It is not my altar, but it is a conduit for what I anticipate to be a rich, growing spiritual experience. Thank you so much for providing this avenue of spiritual growth. I am beginning my second week with week one of the retreat. I did a version of the retreat about 15 years ago with a spiritual director. I had just joined the Catholic Church and had just become aware of my spiritual journey. I have had many ups and downs and one very traumatic experience that tested my faith. I was referred to Sacred Space and also found this online retreat. I decided that it would be a good time to review my walk again after 15 years of consistent participation in the church. Going thru my life review I found that I was always accepted by others and even popular in school; however, I never believed it was because of who I am but rather because I worked hard to be what they needed me to be. Now I realize that they did like me and accepted me, I just did not accept myself. After I read the article, "The Courage to Accept Acceptance", I realized I had read the book years ago and still have it on my shelf. I believe God, through the Holy Spirit, has directed me back to this retreat because I am at the point where I am must make a decision about what path I am going to chose for my future. I am grateful for this opportunity to once again explore and grow. Sharon I am in week one. What I find amazing is that I must be changing. For so many years of my life I have concentrated on the bad things that have happened in my life and how badly I feel about it. As I go through the photo album of my life I find that it (or I am different). I am really seeing how God has been with me all along. Throughout my life he has placed loving, supportive and spiritual people. The people have blessed by life and kept me sane and whole. It has taken me 41 years to see that God's hand has been so much strong than the bad events. And it's the people he has given me that I remember the best. I've just completed the first week of my retreat and the photo album of my life has brought up nearly every emotion possible. The one thing that stands out is that fact that God has been always with me. Even though I spent years where I shut him out, he was still there. I now ponder,"what does it all mean? Where do I go from here?" I look forward to the coming weeks. Moving on from here, I am now
fully awake and aware that Christ is in my life all the time, every minute,
every day, and I only need to call on him to guide me on this
journey. On to week two. This is my first day of my first week. Several years ago I began writing stories about my childhood and growing-up years. It seems to me that I was preparing for this spiritual adventure when I wrote the stories! I have just finished week one of the 34 weeks retreat. I am very glad to be participating in this healing process/ministry. I pray that more and more of us be granted the courage to face ourselves, to see ourselves as we are, with all our iniquities and to trust God's help , that he may cleanse and free us from ourselves, that there may be some room for Him in our hearts. I was stroke by the article "The Courage to Accept Acceptance". I believe God is in constant communication with us. I have, more so in years past, struggled with acceptance. Accepting people as they are was very, very difficult for me. I always believed that people should act in certain ways and do things in certain ways... more like me... because, of course, I am the perfect one, the one that knows everything. Through this article and by the grace of our merciful Lord I have acquired a deeper meaning of acceptance, not only of others but, also of myself. For me a true test of acceptance is at home, with my spouse and my children. I can not say that I love God if I choose not to accept my children as they are and not to mention my wife. God is great, loving and merciful. May all of us accept him in ourselves and in others, specially
in those closest to us. I find myself both excited and frightened by this experience. What I learned in the first week is that I tend to intellectualize rather than feel my life - and my relationship with God is no exception...I am hoping (and am learning to pray -though asking for things for myself in prayer is frightening to me) that this will change - and I will learn to feel my life and feel my relationship with God - rather than thinking feelings, experiencing them... This said - I have also found much to be grateful for this week -- that it seems petty to ask for anything more for myself when I already have so much just by living in America. The picture I was led to this week (1) is a poignant one of myself a few years ago. I was smiling, but not happy. I was laughing, but not feeling joy. The overwhelming saddness of that time still haunts me to this day. I have grown from that time through silence and passionate reflection. The courage to forgive the people who nearly crushed my own spirit was found only after my soul was silent. Then I was able to truly forgive them and move forward in way that has brought me full circle. Now I smile and am happy, I laugh and it is filled with joy. There is still much to be silent about in my life. A huband who is going away to dangerous duty. A son who is mourning this temporary loss in his young life. The saddness and stress that we all feel from this separation. The trepidation of what lies ahead, or in wait. And despite this, there is expectancy in the homecoming that we all dream of. That is a day that will be joyful and joyfilled. Expectant of no more tears, of fewer fears, for our future and that of the world. And I come back to that picture of myself from that long ago time,
although not so long ago really. I think back and the hurt
returns, but no longer crushes me. I think back and there
is numbness no more. I have been given a great gift, one that
heals and shows us the true way of life. That gift is time,
and it is precious. I had no intention today of starting a private retreat--let alone a 34-week one! But curiosity got the best of me, and I decided to "just read through the first week" to see if it might be something I'd like to return to later on. Yet, here I am.... Thank you for starting with the Acceptance theme. It's what I need--and have needed--for some time now. You've heard of writer's block? I believe I must have prayer's block. Perhaps this will help. I make no promises, since I know how weak I am, but one line in the preliminary paragraphs refers to our tiny "opening" though intention, and that God can squeeze in and bestow his blessings on us even through the smallest of our good intentions. I'm opening a crack, Lord--please get your finger in there fast and stretch me for more. God bless all the retreatents and God bless me. I'm rather housebound these days and really need the reminders of the retreat. God fills me with patience--it is only my own stubborness that doesn't allow the light and love in.............. On the third day of my retreat, I look back on the album of my life during the 70's decade and see myself going from one "self awareness" experiment to another, always searching.now I realize that what I was always looking for , I already had...God's love and acceptance. Growing up as a Roman Catholic and attending 13 years of Catholic schools, you are so endoctrinated with Christ's love for you that you literally "can't see the forest for the trees". God's amazing love for me was always there, but I couldn't see it. During that decade I shut God out of my life. Now looking back,I see that God never forsook me.despite my behavior and selfishness, he never abandoned me once.he blessed me with good fortune. Why? I am starting this retreat this week. As I looked at the beginning I cringed. I do not want to go back to the past. I do not want to review what I have done which I want to forget, but maybe that is why I have to. Maybe I need to remind myself in this way about the magnitude of Gpd's unconditinal love. I will try, but I am scared. please pray for me and with me. I am beginning this first week of the retreat, somewhat anxious and uncertain. I am asking God that He use this as an instrument to draw me into a closer relationship - with Him and with His people. Please pray for me on this journey. In thinking about the “picture album” of my life (1) I came upon a scene when I was about 8 or 9 yrs. Old. I was riding my bicycle and the bell that was connected with the fork on the front wheel gave way and slipped down and got in the way of the spokes. There was a terrible loud sound as the bell cut and bent the spokes and I was lucky to get the bike to stop without further mishap. Obviously it was an accident, but as I was walking the bike back home – a fairly long walk as I recall -- I remember thinking that the reason this mess had happened was that I had been bad and that God was punishing me for being bad. The thoughts that I had were horrendous. I felt guilty and ashamed and was in a sorry way as I pushed the bike home. As I reflected on that “picture” – actually more like a “movie” – I considered that the image of God as one who punishes and one waiting for the proper time to “get me” for my sins is so foreign to the reality of God as love. My insight today was that God was there that day. But God was not there to see that I squirmed because of my sins, but was there in the mess that the accident had caused in my life that day. God was there indeed, but not the way I thought that day. Today I imagined God as trying desperately to console me in the mess that I found myself in. But because I was focussed so much on myself I could not experience that consolation. My prayer is that I can continually discover that God – the one who consoles and not the one who punishes. Today I felt the compassionate smile of God as I looked at that earlier picture of myself. I ask that whatever obstacle I put in the way of God’s love and tender compassion for me be moved away. I ask the Lord to reveal more and more the goodness and the love for me and others as we struggle to come to know the God who cares about Tom Shanahan, S.J.
I did not like beginning my retreat with the focusing on myself because it did not feel generous and because it called me to go where I did not want to ie old painful memories. However, when I sat down and began to review my childhood the images and words flowed like a torrent. I found great delight in savouring these old memories and found myself watching the replay like a movie, fascinated and amazed at the unfolding story and development of a soul. All the while I could see God nurturing this growth. The next stage of my history was where the roots of whom I've become were born and here too is where the painful memories began. It took me much longer to go through these memories and I found myself skipping over certain parts only to be called back to them later. It was here too that I saw the 'birth' of my relationship with God and His constant wooing especially in those times I wanted to run from Him. I have concluded the first week with a sense of gratitude
for the obvious love and care God has always had of me.
At the same time I am left with a sense of unease because inspite
of recognising that who I am now is the culmination of all those
numerous experiences, I find it difficult to embrace them all gratefully.
In the tapestry of my life it is a thread of sadness that at this moment
seems most evident. I do not feel the lesson has yet ended
so it is with nervous anticipation that I move into the second week.
Week One and thoughts of my early life, pre-teen, teen, and young adult today and this weekend. I'm 55 years old, complete with senior moments, a little "arthur" in fingers, a few sags and wrinkles and yet I smile at the thoughts of my early life because I remember the love surrounding me. I admit I did not always see it or realize it as God's love for me or maybe the word is "accept" it as for me, but Week One is showing me, revealing to me, whispering in my ear His love for me, His "holy hovering" over, around me. Have I had the "S" things happen to me? YES! But I now see His Nearness and it's really nice and cozy at this moment in time to share with all you souls. I have a personal theory that we are really all "little heroes" just for teeing it up every day. I mean we can all read the obit column-aunts, uncles, cousins, friends are all dropping out like flies and yet we get up and get dressed and put on a happy face and go out to joust with the windmills, wrestle with the angels. I believe that makes us "heroes." I'm looking forward to Week Two. - Chris Posey in Laurel, Ms
I am a Parish Secretary (for 5 years now). At times I feel so alone. I don't know who to turn to for help. There are many problems in our family right now, mostly financial. My husband has not worked since June and my 18 year old son was just laid off from his job. For several years I have felt the call to do a retreat. My husband thinks it is just to get away from him for a weekend. But I am searching for a personal relationship with God, and I can't seem to find it in my busy, busy life. I don't like to bother my pastor with my problems. He will be 75 years old in Dec. he doesn't need the extra stress of listening to me. He is also a good friend. I know I need to develop a relationship with God so that I can place my Trust in Him. 34 weeks is a long time, but I think HE is worth it. Pray that I will finish. Phil 1:6 I am confident of this, that the one who began a good
work in you will continue to complete it until the day of Christ
Jesus. This is my 3rd time to start the retreat. Sigh. It just seemed that everytime I try to proceed with it, I always find excuses to stop. I guess I'm one of those people who cannot do what we think is good for us, just like what fr. Gillick said. But then again, I see myself coming back again and again. Life is weird. For one reason or another, now that I am an adult, I have not given up on the search for knowing God. It is a struggle to keep going to mass even if at times the meaning escapes me. I envy those whose sharing speak so much of the intensity of their relationship with God. I wish I am able to fully understand what that means. One thing that I find very effective during this first week is that I am able to look at the things that I am to be grateful for. It was difficult--having been used to looking at what is lacking--but then again, I strated to be grateful for my wife, my small abode, my imperfect job, and the small opportunities that come my way. I hope that you will pray with me on this. I still believe that
the retreat could be a fulfilling experience if I give it a chance.
I have just finished week one of the on-line Spiritual exercises. I was apprehensive about looking back at my childhood. I have always been afraid that someone would find me out. They would know what a disastrous childhood I had and then reject me. But what I am coming to know is that it is me doing the rejecting of myself not others. The readings on The Courage to Accept Acceptance helped me to face my defects, my brokenness and accept God s love for me. For the first time the words at mass meant more to me: only say the words and you shall be healed . It is only when I accept this healing power can I experience His love for me more fully . The opening prayer was perfect for me as I turn toward Christ. I do need Him to be present as I prepare for this special time. I have felt for a long time that I was getting ready to jump off a cliff, uncertain where I would land. Would I survive the fall? I think I ve been afraid to let go of the old self. But now I m ready to take the next step, to jump, to have faith, to have the courage to accept His acceptance and His love for me. Thanks for all the pointers this week. (1) I must say that even though I'd read the initial reading and kind of believed in the idea of being special in God's eyes for no attribute of my own, I have found that going thru this over and over again has helped me. I have to share a special sign that I had - was walking along a suburban Warrnambool - rural area in Victoria and saw a wallabie skip along during my reflexion and this showed me how God takes care of all His creatures. This poor animal did not have any "road sense" yet weared off the path before the main road and stayed away from the railway tracks. This showed that God does care, and in a strange way seem to enhance the idea within me. It is hard sometimes to comprehend why you would be special to God when you know yourself with all your flaws. This has been a very useful week to reflect on these areas in my life. I've just completed my first week. I was very much aware throughout of what several people shared last week. The comments inspired me and gave me hope. I also was moved by one in particular and I have been praying for his person all week. I had lots of memories. I've dealt with memories in the past, God has healed a lot. I had lots of good memories, too. Fun times as a child. Once again, I realized God has helped me through everything, that Jesus has taken care of me. I read a meditation on the passage from Isaiah about the shepherd guiding the old ewe with a lamb. He carried the lamb close to His heart and helped the ewe who was old and tired. I relate to both the lamb and the ewe and prayed that I could hear His heartbeat. This morning at Mass I felt overwhelmed with how hard I try to belong and be okay and acceptable and wondering when, O Lord? Though I know I have every reason to trust and that "cursed is the man who puts His trust in man . . . he is like a bush in a dry, barren land that does not recognize prosperity when it comes" (Jeremiah,) still I'm into all that before I realize it. And it doesn't do any good anyway. I don't know where God is inviting me to focus, what that nugget of gold is--but I hope He will draw me and show me this week. Firstly, I's like to say I am very happy that I have had the chance to make a retreat thanks to it being 'on-line' - I am a working mohter of 4 kids so have no time to go on one myself. However I must say that I felt really scared too - I am a convert - and I cannot say that I felt God around too much when I was a kid - in fact I did not really even want to remember being a kid because it was just too horrible to contemplate (we had a broken home, and later an abusive one after my father re-married a drugs user) - but I am trying to get through this excercise. It has made me realise that probably I need a spiritual director
to help me out with this - so I am trying to get up the nerve
to ask our parish priest or his curate. I hope they do not
think I am over=zealous! But thanks for giving people a chance to
have a retreat. I meet with three other women on Wednesday evenings and we feel like we are getting very dry and we KNOW it isn't God that has changed. I hit this web site and began to read. When the prayer for the first week was Psalm 139 I KNEW God was telling me to use this means for a retreat and share it in my group. I thank God for you in my life today, just at the right time, just at the right moment. I have started this retreat after hearing about it on the radio. Thinking about my history has been sad for me, because lately I've been feeling lost. I also have started a daily rosary for my marriage, and have been grateful for kind words and smiles all day. I just wanted to say that I am excited about planning to begin this retreat on September 17. I read a few of the margin links for week 1 (for the general retreat starting on any date) and immediately felt a warmth and a peaceful feeling come over me, so I know that this is something that I am supposed to do. I know that it will not always be easy but I will pray for perseverance, knowing that I will receive even more than I ask for. Praise the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit! I've always wanted to practice the spiritual exercises so here is my chance. I'll let some people I know in on the site and we'll see how it goes. I will start on the 17th. I just happened to find this web page today and chose to browse at this week retreat. I am going through turmoil of relationship breaking up and pain. This week meditation and sharing have helped me to deal with my grief. I just started my online retreat this week. This was a very hectic week for me but KNOWING that God is with me made it a lot easier. Realizing that God is right beside me and that I can talk to him anytime is a wonderful experience. Thanks to all of you for sharing. I have just started on this journey through your website retreat, but already I am more acutely aware of God's presence in my life and in the lives of others. I own a placement firm that helps recruiters find jobs when they leave the military. Today I talked with a man who needs a job in a location where I have a position open. While I talked with him, he mentioned that his wife had left him with two young daughters. He needed to find a civilian job soon so he would not have move with the military and uproot his children during this difficult time in their lives. I sensed that he could not stand to be uprooted now himself - too much anguish and responsibility to bear right now. My job offer came at just the right time. He said that I was an answer to a prayer. I am not, but you are Lord. Thank you for allowing me to be your conduit to this man and his family today. So often I feel that I do nothing in my work to serve You.
Thank you for letting me see today that we all serve You through
each other. Thank you all for sharing your stories.. I am keeping this site's ministry and all who participate in my prayers. You all are a blessing! I am beginning Week 1. I was always curious of the Spiritual Exercises and I'm grateful to learn in this manner! As a catechist, last week's class of 7th graders had Psalm 139 (1) for one of their readings. I feel that finding this retreat online was a blessing. Psalm 139 says it all so much better than I ever could. Being like the sunset red wildflower with cobwebs for protection I long to be shaken awake. That's why I chose this journey. I remember many years ago of attending a lecture and hearing about the child within each of us. No matter how much we try to repress this child, its always there and sometimes comes out especially when something happens that we do not like. It was difficult reading "acceptance" (1) and realizing that I am still fighting this "child." Here I am 54 years young, happily married, good job, and still concerned with acceptance. I also know that sometimes we become very comfortable with our lack of acceptance of others because we cannot accept ourselves and our faults. I am very much looking forward to this Retreat, thank you and may
God bless you for this wonderful idea. Having looked at and read the pages related to the On-Line Retreat for quite some time I've decided to begin it TODAY. I feel excited about what might unfold in the weeks ahead and I will pray each day for those who have also BEGUN this journey. May the Lord bless us all with his boundless love! I know God answered our prayers, and with His perfect timing, when He provided the means by which we could move our family 600 miles to a new home in time to start a new school year. But then the stress of the move and the isolation of being in a new place have had me feeling like God got us here and then abandoned me. Just today I decided I needed to do something spiritually to reconnect with God and that since I check my e-mail at least once every day maybe I should see if there was some type of daily devotion on-line. THE SAME DAY I saw an ad for this web site and know that God brought this to me. I went to bed thinking I'd start tomorrow and then couldn't sleep knowing I was putting God aside again so here I am at 1:00am, starting on week 1. I certainly see God's perfect timing - I found this site, just when I needed it, and it actually is week 1! Please pray for me as I begin this journey. I find myself unable to pray at this point. I fell into this site through the Chronicle of Higher Education. What a glorious place it is. I've emailed it to many of my academic friends, and I will urge them to delve into it. My sharing begins with being a teacher--something I find to be
a true vocation. I spoke with a former student this week
that I had not seen in a while. When he was my student I told
him that would make a great teacher. He felt good with that
because it was an goal in his life. When we renewed our acquaitance
this week, he has put that goal aside for a time to pursue a vocation.
He wants to go to the Seminary and has already--though not yet graduated--looked
into it. What a joy! God is so good to us all.
This makes me feel like the moneylenders are losing, praise God.
My students need to find the path toward God and away from the irredeemable
dollar. I have had a joyous week of teaching and learning and prayer,
thanks to you God. First of all thank you to everyone who are responsible for making the Online Retreat. It must have a been a tremendous task. God Richly Bless you for all your labors. I started the Retreat on Holy Family Sunday, Dec. 31, 2000 What a wonderful way to start off the new year. Looking back over my 58 years of life is not easy but I am sure there are many hidden graces waiting for me to discover. There were many sad times in my youth and a lot more happy times if only I had recognized "His Hand on my Shoulder". When I look back it saddens me to think of all the times I hurt Him by hurting others and didn't recognize the fact that He was with me. I am now giving myself permission to forgive myself and to thank Him for all the times He was with me and I didn't recognize it. This is hopefully going to be a time of healing for me and help me to move on in my life, a life more fully united with Him. The article The Courage to Accept Acceptance (1)
especially spoke to my heart. It is so true that when
you are not accepted something in you is broken. I have felt
that way most of my life. I am trusting the Lord to bring me
to a fuller acceptance of myself as I journey through the
Retreat. God Bless You all who reads this and keep on keeping
on with your retreat journey. The sharings have been an important time for me. From them I find that it is okay to take more than a week to go through a week. That there are a lot of people like me who are struggling with their relationship with God, their past lives, their present lives. Suddenly my problems don't seem so large and God's love is ever present. That God can reach out and touch each of us in such unique ways is awesome and humbling. Thank you all for shareing. I was not sure if I should begin the retreat...I thought it was a nice thing to do....then I read the sharings of others and they brought tears to my eyes....they opened my heart which has been closing shut because of pain in my life and asking God why it is so deep and difficult...where is He in this suffering? Roman In particular, my hard hearings since my childhood are the origin of the experience of not being completely accepted except from my parents, brother and sisters who are very nice people. The memories are still in my mind without the need of going to the Photo Album. I am now 46 years old , and throughout my journey since childhood, there was many curves, many wrong ways of thinking, a variety of attempts to scratch acceptance from the walls until I realized that I am accepted by God as I am through jumping in Faith without Fear . I am grateful for having received the gift and I am confident that
God reads my inmost thoughts. On September 17th I began this retreat again. Over a year ago I started the retreat but because of very painful circumstances was unable to continue. I just wasn't ready. But last week was wonderful and I am very aware of how God has been at work in my life. I am ready now to move forward. God is giving me the grace to look at many patterns in my life and is helping me to be aware of a need for healing. For the first time I have a voice and can speak to others about abuses I have experienced and with expression the secrets that have caused pain and hardship are being unlocked. I feel like I have been in bondage for so many years and have hidden so many things because of fear and rejection. The experiences God opened for me last week were powerful and I rejoice in them. I am overwhelmed with knowing that God loves me just as I am and
that He waits patiently for me to grow and learn. I grow
more in love with the Lord with every beat of the clock and more
than ever I am aware of His love and His presence. I look forward
to the coming weeks. When I was a child, I had frequent convulsions. I don't remember them, really, but I have vivid pictures in my mind from my parents' descriptions of them. In my relfection this morning, with the photo, my picture became even clearer: my mother holding me tight, my father standing by with his big heart full of sorrow and strength for her, and Jesus - the one who is with me now - being with us all in those terrifying times. A very consoling memory. I have just begun this on-line retreat and am in my first week, although I have been meditating daily with Sacred Space for over a year. I had a dream last night about several pairs of shoes with mud on them and realize that the mud is memories, the "background" or "wallpaper" suggested by the retreat. I am using my teenage years as the background or mood of my day today and remember a plaid wool shirt that I wore as a teenager. My mother was not happy that I wore it - it was my father's fall gardening jacket. But I was thrilled with it and it gave me a sense of belonging and rightness at a time I had no other anchors. My father, then a practicing alcoholic , would soon enter into the chronic phase of his illness and die. I have had my own experience now with alcoholism. My father and I are linked by this disease as we were then by his warm, brown, wool, plaid jacket. I am fortunate to have God who has brought me to this marvelous place. Week 1 What did I learn? There weren't a great number of happy memories of my childhood. ... I now know God was always there, and I saw him in nature, but I don't really remember sensing his presence as a child. My teen years. As a teen I rejected God. ... Just before I turned 21 I was married. The marriage was held in a Catholic Church. At first I resisted, but I really loved my fiancée and would do anything to be with her. To my way of thinking, since I didn't believe in any God, any church related commitments I made were worthless. God had to be looking out for me because of the many crazy things I did and still lived. My adult years. ... Life moved on, children grew, raises came, more responsibility, a bigger house. My family loved me, but my spiritual life was going downhill. Nothing made me happy, I became depressed, and health problems arose. I looked for help, psychologists, mediation, and research into Buddhism. Mentally things kept going from bad to worse and still my family loved me. I was very depressed. ... Early the next year I confessed to my wife that I had been thinking about religion. ... Near Easter my wife announced that she was going to services in the same Church I had driven by and she wanted me to go with her. I was tired, weak and willing to try anything; I said yes. I was also very afraid, I kept thinking the roof would open and God would drive the sinner (me) from the Church. Things did go very well, I felt better and really liked the sense of unity holding hands during the Lords Prayer and the saying of "Peace be with you". We started attending services regularly, although I did not understand very much of the service. When we were told about RCIA I signed up, attended the classes and was baptized and confirmed the following Easter. I wish I could say that everything was wonderful after that, and things are much better now, I still feel that I am not as close to God as I should be. That's why I am taking part in this retreat. Has God been there for me? Most certainly. He has been quiet,
didn't push but was always ready to listen and help if I only
asked. When I think of my life growing up (1), and even now - especially now - I am constantly more and more aware of how truly blessed I have been, and am. Even as I fill up a pot of water for cooking spaghetti, I realize that there are so many people in the world who live without running or clean water, and here I have always had it without hesitation. Then when I try complaining about not having something I want, or something doesn't go particularly how I've planned, there God is, reminding me that He is my provider. Whether I see the grand scheme of things or not, He's in control & has blessed me so incredibly through my life that for me to complain or not trust Him would be so ungrateful. Please, Lord, help me to live a life of gratitude! Week 1. As I reviewed my picture album, I found that I have been blessed by hundreds of loving and supportive people throughout my life. There have been only three damaged relationships. One total rejection in kindergarten, which while insignificant, left a void in my psyche. Every doll I ever had after that was named after that girl who would not speak to me. This gave me insight into how easily we can do lasting damage to others with our thoughtlessness. My "best friend" in grade school grew up faster than I and moved to another 'best" friendship, however she always remained a good friend and is so even today. Her distancing left space for two other friends to move into closer relationships with me. When my relationship with my mother produced friction during high school and college, a closeness with a neighboring family developed. Their different culture and attitudes broadened my life experiences and outlook during this important growth period in my life. A recent fractured relationship is still very painful, even though once again God has provided new friends and activities to fill the void. I ask all to pray for reconciliation with my dear friend. I have been greatly blessed with constant Catholic relationships, few hurts, and never getting into serious trouble. Three times in my life, after lengthly prayer over confusion and questioning, I have experienced the direct word from Jesus or Mary to go to confession. Once this discernment is clear, getting there and receiving the sacrament was similar to escaping from a burning building. The focus was so great that nothing else is remembered. It's as if you are carried on a magic carpet directly to heaven. I pray that Jesus will give each of us the same vision of ourselves
that He knows. Nothing is hidden from Him and we will benefit
only if we can face the truth of ourselves. God bless everyone.
This is my first attempt at doing this sort of thing online but it seems a good idea. I have done a lot of work on myself and am on a spiritual path that has high priority in my life. I just recently acquired a computer and have the opportunity to spend more time online. My past is painful and there is resistance to going there but if I do so with God's help I will be okay. That is what i will tell myself. It was so good to take just the first part of my life. I was able to experience it more fully than if I tried to look at my life all at once. And I don't have slippers, so for me the background begins when
my feet hit the cold floor. The photo of the woman with her baby brought tears to my eyes and made my arms tingle. I guess we mothers never do forget the warmth and scent of new born skin, the pressure of the warm body against the chest and the heaviness of a tiny head not quiet sure of its next move. Larry's guidepost was so fitting - we are here for the love of
God - for the love of it, so enjoy the process with the product.
The message and the photo - trust in the Lord and enjoy the gifts
along the way! It works! I will never look at my slippers the same for the rest of my life. It is amazing how much "stuff" is in the "background" of my mind and how different I'm feeling with a more peaceful background. Now I'm eager to see what my story will reveal to me. I've just finished reading "The Courage to Accept Acceptance" in Week One. Wow! This article really sums up my experiences with faith, God, love, lonliness, feelings of being lost, and finding peace. I seem to go through cycles. It used to be my cycles were long - long periods of feeling alone, of not believing that someone was there, that if I jumped someone would catch me. Now, it's more like brief moments of feeling the old feelings, almost like I'm reliving the feelings than feeling them anew. And then wham, it hits me all of a sudden. God loves me. God accepts me. God is with me always. I don't know that I fully belive this with my mind, but there are times when I fully feel it in my soul. I consider these gifts. Brief moments, but I'm working up the courage to make them longer. It's almost like I don't yet have the courage to accept acceptance all the time. But when I feel that, when I open up my heart and accept God's love, it's such an amazing overpowering feeling. I have started this retreat because I feel that God had offered this to me. I was looking for something to improve my faith and spiritual life. I am very active in my church life but it got to be a lot of administrative work. I needed to get back to the roots of all ministry-- spirituality. I happened to pull spirituality up while I was reading crossroads and I stumbled across this retreat-- it was not a coincidence-- it was the spirit working -- God knew I needed something and here it is. It is amazing that while doing the 1st week, it brought back a lot of good memories that I have not thought about in a long time. I am happy to be doing this retreat. This has already been a grace for me. A simple, but BIG grace. I started to get nervous, thinking that my story will be a story of how I haven't loved God. I look at the picture and I see, immediately, that this will be the story of God's love for me. I just wanted to say I found this address in our local Diocese paper and am glad I accessed it. I always wanted to make an Ignatian retreat and this seems to be an easy way to do it. For the past several weeks I've been thinking of my past so when I opened week one, it fit in perfectly with where I seem to be at the moment. I'm a little apprehensive about starting but will trust in the Lord which is my daily prayer . . . more faith. I'll keep all of you in my prayers and ask that you include me in yours. Your sister-in-Christ. Day 7 Lord Jesus, I can now reflect back on the past week, the first of this retreat, to remember and realize all your provisions and blessings in my life. I have asked you for much this week Lord, from helping me to turn to you with trust to helping me actually live out your will. I have received so much more than I could ask for Lord. I have received memories, thoughts and insights, about why and how I have become the person that I am today. I have been challenged and tested, often times falling, but in falling then recognizing my weaknesses and needs. Also in falling before you I have had many chances to experience your Mercy and Love, which are ever new! I have learned things throughout the week, in reading and reflecting, which have helped me to approach you and experience your presence in my life and in so much of your creation that I encounter everyday. I have had moments of deep devotion, and moments of utter confusion. I have had moments of Peace, Love, and Joy, and I have had moments of frustration, doubt, and anger. I have been moved to do good that was not my own will and I have avoided your will to do the things I choose, prideful and stubborn as I can be. Most of all Lord, I have received your love in my heart, reminding me each and every day that you are with me, and that together we will be able to move on away from the evils that have been and towards the good that will be. Thanks be to God! The photograph was prayerful for me because it reminded me of the way I like to visualize my own relationship with God. I imagine myself wrapped in the arms of the Lord, secure and loved.
I hold this image and return to it often, especially when I
do not feel loved or lovable. First Week took three weeks. Now I have the message. My Grandmother adored me. The Sisters I volunteer with treat me with astounding love. Now I have an idea of how much only God can love me. |