Sharing the Retreat
Weeks 2-4
Week 2
After a weekend of having time and space to reflect, I am excited and enthused about the reflections and readings. I can manage to have some quiet AM time in AM and can sit and reflect also. However I start my work and responsibilites, I have a hard time focusing and remembering the background. I did week 2 twice and plan on doing week 3 again this week. Don't want to get into my tendency of 'doing it right' but do want to be fed by the week's reflections and prayers.
When asked to reflect on the purpose- do we reflect on 'things' in our world or on events that happen to us?
In the midst of week two, and I praise God for his presence and gentle ways. I have found that this time as I reflect on some painful memories, I no longer feel anger or resentment, but can actually feel sympathy for someone who has hurt me deeply. I feel peace and freedom, knowing God has set me free and healed those past wounds. I also am able to see how this person loved me, where I could not see that before-Thank you Lord.
Two surprises hit me as I reflected on the themes for the week. I have always seen myself as very goal focused but as I went through crossroads and decisions I see that a lot of these had been opportunistic. I like to think that I could use this to explore how God had actually been present in some or even most of these crossroads. I do notice that at each point there are quite often some significant people … not all of these I have kept up with. So I give thanks for the opportunities I’ve encountered and thank God that He has been able to help me shape them. I especially give thanks to people who have influenced me on this journey as well as those people who still accompany me.

The second thing that hit me was that my period when I lived in Europe was more vivid and compelling than the period soon after marriage (children … new house … expanding in career). I was somewhat surprised at this because I always saw these earlier days as quite special. Then I thought more of some of my spiritual journeying. In Europe there were quite significant moves. But I did struggle constantly about whether I was doing the right thing. For example, I often reflected that I was earning too much money … it wasn’t fair etc. But I also remember during another Ignatian exercise I did a conscious discernment exercise posing the question of whether I should do something completely different. I was sure I was going to choose to give up my job and move to Africa or somewhere else. I remember being surprised with the clarity I received to continue the path I was on. In the earlier days, there were some beautiful pictures (babies , boys growing up … my parents visiting etc) but on a spiritual level I was on the wrong struggle … at least it was my struggle … God was probably there but I was trying to be in control and I was asking the wrong questions which were part of my own little conflict which was not really that important in the grander scheme of things.

As I looked back over my life last week, what I produced was a list of names. My life has always been about the people I live with, work with, play with. Now I am friendless and you ask me: “is there a desire coming out of last week?” Yes! Friends! Acceptance!

Maybe God has brought me to this friendless desert so that I will place all my trust in him. Then he will be the only Friend I need, his, the only Acceptance.
Tom, Pennsylvania

Week 2, Now at the end of week two, a different perspective than the beginning. My personal spiritual reading this week has been about the affection (desire) of the will that St Frances explains in his letter to Theotimus. I was pondering the Stoics and pray that I can instead of always being stoic, try for the desires other than natural and reasonable, try for Christ Like desires and someday maybe desires for no reason no nature just desire God and aim at him, or better said let God aim at me. It was as if God was saying I don't have to be so strong anymore, He will handle it for me.

I was thinking too, St Therese in her Autobiography of a Soul says that God has always used human beings to accomplish His work among souls. For her every kind of pain, rejection, failure and on and on could be transformed into a loving experience not just endured stoically.

Reading the sharing section has really been enlightening and I believe God is using the sharing sections to help heal. I know they are healing words for me. Thank you dear Lord and all of you who are sharing and all of you who can not.

I have struggled trying to place God's presence in my past. He is certainly making his presence felt now, for which I am truly grateful. I visited a friend who is dying of bladder cancer and as we sat together, she told me that she could feel God with us. I added with complete certainty and a feeling of peace, "Yes, God is with us and God understands your suffering. This is a God who knows suffering. " That certainty and those words were a grace from God.

Later in the week, I came across the following phrase translated from Latin, "Bidden or not bidden, God will be present." I posted it in my cubicle at work to remind me, God is here with me now, always and forever. I want to increase my awareness of that. He is with me now and has been always with me. I am grateful. I am struggling to learn. Week 2
Denise

Although this is Week 2 for me, I am still in the overtones and undertows of Week 1.
My daughter died six months ago, and I have placed John Donne's poem "Death be not proud" on my bookmarks.
On the Comcast News Fan this morning is a network social experiment about response to interpersonal violence in a park somewhere in the US.
I watched intently as a young woman, and older woman and at least two men interrupted the staged scene and was amazed at people skill in their interventions. I write with logic here, but it is my memory and heart and tears which cause me to write.
Having survived a violent rape in a park years and years ago with my daughter at my side I remember the one man who went to a phone both and called the police. Would that I knew who he was ! I remember the last breath of my aunt, my mother and my daughter, their last words to me, and their victory over death which is so cruel, yet as Donne says - poor Death, you are only the servant of other forces and give the last short sleep that leads to eternal life. Through my tears, I thank you for this retreat.

Where, in my life story, did I feel most totally known by God? It was during the Easter weekend several years ago, whenI had an experience of God that profoundly moved me. It was joyous and filled with peace; I realized that I just need to connect to God regularly, express the desire for him to guide my life and he will do the rest. Since then, my intentions to connect regularly were good, but my follow-through was terrible. This retreat is an opportunity to reconnect again; I'm hoping that the group communications will help me stay on track on a regular basis
masks, I'm not sure if I should even say so here, but then no one knows me so here I am. I feel that there are three parts of my life. Twenty good years with my parents, twenty good years with my husband and now twenty + good years by myself. Never alone really, with six loving children how could I say that I was alone these past twenty years. The end of my second twenty years was extremely difficult, to be called a leach sucking his life from him, how awful. I pray always to forget those awful times, but maybe this retreat is telling me to remember them. Very few, except my children know about the divorce, I changed my name and moved away from it all.
Even the night my husband died God was with me. I left the farm house and his new wife of two years and my two youngest children (his family and wife thought that they should stay there until after the funeral). He thought I was not capable of raising our children and after a court battle he gained custody and we shared visitation with our children until his death two years later. On the drive back to my house I cried and screamed out loud completely lost control. It frightened me so bad that I turned on the radio, there it was, "I'll be loving you always, with a love that's true always". Soap opera, maybe, but I really believe that God loves me and that my husband did too, the very best he could. After the funeral I went and picked up my two children that were still living at the home place, and as I said moved away. God has been very good to me these last twenty years, but I don't feel that I want anyone here to know the me of my second twenty years. I hope that's ok. Thank you God for holding me.
I want to express my gratitude for this manifestation of God. I am amazed today that He would provide such a mechanism for us to grow closer to him. My awareness of His constant presence and the myriad of ways He shows himself to us is particularly increased this morning. I am just grateful.
I started week 2 of the spiritual retreat. I realize that I didn’t finish week 1, but was assured that I can go back to it, that week 2 has direct relationship to what I am feeling and experiencing now. And it does. I am encouraged to really speak and confide all that I am feeling right now. All my anger and fear and sadness and confusion. The “Beginnings” reading has really helped and touched me, reminding me that every day is a new beginning, that everyday, I have a chance to try again. Praise God.
It's hot and I'm depressed. I wonder if I'll find a way out. I feel frustrated, restricted in my life. Hard to believe I'm reduced to this. The going over my life has been helpful though. I mustn't forget to keep going forward - that first prayer is right on, in this regard. Thank you! Week 2
Its week 2 and I find myself listening for God to answer me. I was very uncomfortable with the first week because I had to bring forth something I was trying to leave behind. I now lay all my burdens, hopes and dreams at the Lords Table. Listen, Listen, Listen.
week 2. I began this retreat in an attempt to know God more intimately, little did I know it would help me to get to know myself. I was stumped by the last question posed this week: Are there areas I feel God is wanting to love in me? I thought it would be rather easy to answer at first, but what a loaded question. Really an eye-opener. Thank God we are constantly growing as there is much room for improvement. Thanks for the reminder.
A week or so before I started this retreat, I got stuck on a pop song. It's a sad love song, from a rejected lover to the one who rejected him. The part I like best is this part where the music sort moves up and then it sounds like the singer sings, "if you turned to me, like a gull takes to the wind..."

It struck me this week that this line sums up this retreat for me, so far. I feel like I'm turning towards God and letting God become the "wind" in my life - the force or purpose or something. The analogy makes me ask myself, what was the wind before I started thinking of it that way? Me? My wants and needs? My values? No wonder I often feel like I don't know what to do, or like I'm just drifting through life, when I'm trying to be both the gull and the wind at the same time.

So far, this retreat has been both difficult and comforting. In the first week, I didn't like focusing on my childhood and adolescence for a couple of days, because they were largely painful and I have tried to put them out of my mind for the past few years. I was surprised, though, at all of the positive images and events that I remembered, too, and it was new, and good, to imagine or think about the way that God was in my life at all of those times, good and bad. It was also good to review the span of my life, and realize that those experiences were one part of it, a part that grows (in terms of the overall time I've been alive) smaller and smaller each day. This week has also been somewhat painful, focusing on showing God (and therefore drawing my own attention to) all of me, good and bad. Getting honest. But what a relief, in the end, to do that.

The change I've noticed most in myself and my life day-to-day so far during this retreat is a more generous, kind feeling, towards my family, co-workers, everyone. Even towards myself. This also surprises me, because I've been focusing on negative experiences and negative aspects of myself, things I need to improve. Still, what I feel growing is a warmness and acceptance of myself, and of others. Week 2.
I don't think anything "big" happened in my retreat time this week. I thought everyday and lifted all of myself up to the Lord as I tried to "see" what I was supposed to this week.
I did pay very close attention at mass his evening, and enjoyed it very much. I sent pictures to my stepdaughter that I found of her and her family as I was going through my photo albums. She lost her pictures in a fire years ago. Maybe this was all I was to "do" this week.

I will go on to week 3 tomorrow. And trust that the Lord will take care of what he wants me to see, or change in me what needs changing.

The old me would say I had failed this week, but if I trust, I can't say that anymore, just go on. Week 2
Maybe this week, I've learned, hmm, no, I've practiced looking for God more consciously in every situation and relationship that I'm involved.

I have a tendency to accept God's love ....BUT...or IF ..... I have a truly hard time accepting the unconditional love. I mean, I don't think that I ever felt unconditional love from my parents. I know that they love me, but (see there is that but) I always felt that I needed to do the right things or that there was always something more that I could or should be doing so that I would remain in their love. Or am I considering "good graces" as love and if they are angry at me, ah, that is also true, the anger might have been directed at me, the person and so I didn't feel loved. ...As opposed to directing the anger at the action, and still making the effort to show me gentle love. Unconditional LOVE. It just doesn't happen....and yet, God says that IT DOES, AND HE HAS IT FOR ME. I can understand the unconditional love for others, but when it comes to ME, Christine, well, I usually have a hidden agenda in order to remain in the positive graces of God and man. I say that it is hidden, because I am not consciously aware of it.
 There is a dark spot within me that I haven't been able to let God access, because it is full of "BUTs and IFs." So, now that I've identified this blackhole, it is time to offer it up to God. I can not change such a deep seeded thought. It's been a part of me since I can remember...and even before, when I was being "knit in my mother's womb." I was an unwanted pregnancy, albeit, my parents began to accept me and love me, but I bet that even in the womb, I could sense the disappointment of my presence, rather than the joy. It is time to offer these pains to God.

Dear God,
Okay, so you really have created me on purpose. I'm not an accident, and in fact you are creating and expanding Your kingdom through me.... You accept me for who I am, totally, without and in spite of my actions. But (huh, but) even when I am not doing anything for you, when I feel alone and depressed and totally lethargic or stubborn, YOUR love for me has not diminished. Your desire for me to turn around and receive you hasn't changed. God, you never give me the cold shoulder. You never said "I will love you, but..." Help me to rest in your love and help me to grow closer to YOU. Make my heart into Your image. Please let this day give you praise!
AMEN
Christine from Alaska
I've been doing the retreat for almost two weeks and i am amazed how it works. 32 weeks left. i will manage. i want to walk with god till the end of those weeks and longer till the end of my life.
thank you so much for this online retreat. the first week was difficult and painful but i went through it and now i am finishing the second week. step by step i realise what i am, how much i am loved by god, my creater and where i am walking.

so often it's said that you should forget your past and move on. yes, you can move on but for a while, you will always be coming back to your past, to your heritage. to be totally free you need to face it, see what was good and bad, it will teach you a lesson you need to be free and accept what you are and not to make the same mistakes. it will become your treasure. the prayers might help you to get your freedom. you need to realise that your spiritual life is a kind of exsercise. you need to find your own rhythm of breathing prayers.

god has created me, embraced me, walks with me every day. since i entrusted everything to him, my life is beautiful, it's easier to live with him. and it's good that i find time to meet him and talk to him even though i am busy. why did it take so many years to realise it??? i am on the right path. hope you all are too.

ania, Europe

Since the first week of my retreat was such an upper, it was not realistic to expect that week two would also be totally positive. Yet, though my enthusiasm has waned a bit, I see that I have been blessed with many graces these past few days: support from family and friends, glorious fall weather, and, perhaps because of the latter, a sense of connectedness with all creation. The scarlet, green, and gold leaves on the trees outside make my heart stop.

Always, a phrase from a prayer or a reading leaps out and makes itself my own. "Love urges being revealed....I remove my masks today and I reveal my genuine self." What a comfort those words have been. Attending a political gathering, I experienced the usual jitters I have when entering a new group -- this, despite the fact that I'm old enough to be on Medicare. Recalling the phrase about revealing one's true self, I calmed down immediately; ended up having a delightful chat with someone I would otherwise have ignored, distrusted, or missed. The experience may suggest that I'm "using" God as some great "therapist in the sky." I hope that is not the case. It is just that the realization that He is ready and waiting for me as I am this minute, loving me as I am this minute, makes a difference.

Another realization. Several days this past week, because of great fatigue, I either slept in or spent several hours simply reading or relaxing. "It's OKAY," I was able to tell myself. "The day is not 'lost' because you were inactive." Sometimes "just sitting there" can be the better part. I continue to ponder those times during my life, mainly my long ago adolescence, when I felt most troubled. The rejection and betrayal of several close friends still hurts. Is this silly? Childish? How do I interact with others today? Was Christ, who seemed so far away, actually very close during those experiences? He certainly knew something about friendship, rejection, and betrayal.
Enough for now. Mostly the retreat is reminding me to say "thank You, thank You, thank You."

Thank you for the Spiritual Exercises online!

My first week was intense as I looked over my life to this point. Then God's divine mercy touched my soul and the grace of compassion and forgiveness flooded over me. Getting to know me, the person God created me to be, has been my passion for many years.

My second week was more challenging as I thought, like many of my fellow travelers, "I've done all this before". But I remained open. And again, God's grace was sufficient for continued healing, awakening and awareness. Now I'm in the midst of my third week and again am overcome with gratitude at the Lover's revealing Presence to me, the beloved, in all of creation. I am pursued by God! This is too wonderful to fully comprehend. Yet I glimpse...

As I entered my office today, I layed my hands upon my desk and offered all that takes place to be for the purpose of serving the One I love. Already this day the Lord has brought a coworker to me who I (God & me) listened to then I (We) shared my experience of making my work area a sacred space. May all the honor and glory be Yours as I scatter Your seeds.

With much joy and enthusiasm I look forward to continuing this journey accompanied by my Creator, by St. Ignatius and by my fellow sojourners. Most of all I desire a growing awareness of this God Who becons me as the 'big picture' continues to unfold.
            Pam
Week 2:  I wander somewhere between gratitude and grievance. I tried to avoid this intersection with God. Fear and incertainty are not pleasent to dwell on or in. I found His grace and even a sense of humor.

I am a new lector, and when I saw the schedule for the next few months, I noted I only had one week. My mind saw this as a grand conspiracy and I fumed. I was going to blow off church Sunday and opened my email early that morning.  It contained a note requesting me to cover another Lector that Sunday. Events had called him out of town unexpectedly.

First Reading - Habakkuk is being prepared by God for a vision, but before that vision he makes a personal and communal complaint.  Now thats funny God.   So, you heard my complaint and gave me a wakeup call.  I heard you say  Wait for your answer, it will come.

Second Reading - 2 Tm 1:6-8, 13-14 Beloved: I remind you, to stir into flame the gift of God that you have through the imposition of my hands. For God did not give us a spirit of cowardice
but rather of power and love and self-control.

So here is my vision. You spirit came down and gave me grace even after my bitter weeping about divorce and all the other faults I keep seeing.
I just completed week 2 of the retreat.  My pastor (He was a Jesuit for 26 years and still loves the order even though he is a parish priest.) suggested this retreat for me.  He has been guiding me for two weeks now. 
I'm starting my third week.  Looking back on the picture of week one, I'm reminded of the time I was holding my son, Anthony.  He was quite rambunctious and quite strong.  He was in somewhat of a bad mood.  Suddenly he reared back (I almost dropped him.) and his head cracked me right in the nose.  I thought he had broken it.  It was then that he started crying and without even thinking about it, I did the same.  There we both were, crying our eyes out.  His probably from frustation and pain and mine from pain.  I was still seeing stars hours later.  Happliy, he (Anthony) grew up to be a wonderful 24 year old.  Along with my other two children (daughters Christina, 25 and Teresa, 22) I thank God for and the Virgin Mary for their part in raising my kids to adulthood.  All of them are happy, well-adjusted, and gainfully employed.  My daughters are married to two wonderful guys and my youngest is starting college to be a kindergarten teacher.  I thank God for His presence in mine and my children's lives.  I couldn't have done it without Him, since I was in an abusive relationship.  Thank you for the opportunity to share.  God bless you.
After the initial exhilaration of week 1 I have found week 2 incredibly difficult to get into. I feel that I have largely explored my past about as deeply as I caurrently dare to go. Last week I relived, joys, excitement, pain and tears. This week I seem more to have an acceptance of who I am, and a trust about who I will become. One great thing is that I am re-learning to expose myself to the loving gaze of the one who formed my in my mothers womb, and continues to form me in the way that most pleases him. I am past moaning about my physical, emotional and spiritual imperfections. Rather, it is really quite liberating, to instead be grateful that I am who I am, and who I am is a beloved child of God. That is who I am in the core of my being and the quite literal "re-cognition" of this is a tremendous blessing.
   Andrew, England
When I saw my comments come back to me in print, among so many others on retreat, I felt a peace about the retreat...that I could relax in this work...that I would probably do it again next year, and the next...as a background in my life. In the second week, I felt the fruit of looking at my life through the lens of its crossroads--that when there were crossroads, at least in my adult years, I chose to move toward the wholier. A series of good choices in this crooked life of mine.
 
I also experienced my mistrust of God, my small world fitting uneasily in the wholeness of the holy one. Feeling God holding me in the palm of a hand is like the elevator door shutting before I can quite see who is inside. Feeling God holding me in the palm of a hand eludes my daily-est experience, except for the momentary flash of understanding. I fancy I could hold this image all the year and only but get a little closer to it. Perhaps that will be my life retreat.
 
But I am glad to do this now, especially knowing that it is also somehow public and part of others involved in something somehow the same and somehow so different. I have a terrible longing for a community experience. The past few years have seen mostly disappointment in my community life, a tale that I will perhaps someday write about (a shock to those who hear about it)...almost a look at what the outside world sees of catholic community that we do not see about ourselves. I was actually pretty much informally/secretly excommunicated for something I never even did. For years now I have been starved for the experience of community that I have mostly felt excluded from, but the only response that seems helpful in the end is a patience sometimes almost beyond endurance from all that intentional pain. I read in a book The Cloister Walk, is that it?,  of a monk who was lied about to the new abbot, who found out 10 years later the truth; the monk said peacefully, 'what's ten years to a monk?' I think of that as such a funny, lovely way of waiting.
 
For now I think I will find enough of that community here to tide me over until I find a place or experience a new welcoming. So this seems to be a gift of the holy spirit to me, and I am most thankful for that.
As I reflect on the question, "when in my life did I feel most totally known to God" the answer is simple: During my years at Creighton.  I thank God so much for leading me to Omaha for college and later for medical school.  I learned so much about  myself and my God during those years.  Thank you for challenging me to ask why I believed the things I'd been raised to believe and for teaching me to put that faith into action through service.  I know without a doubt that I am a stronger, more faith-filled person because of my Creighton experience.  My life is so much busier now--a family and career, a new community to become involved with.  I miss the days of undergrad when my only focus was learning and studying.  I have such a hunger now to return to the philosophy and theology I struggled through as just another "core class." Maybe this retreat is what I need to renew and continue the spiritual growth I started with CU.  God bless you and the work you do! Week 2
It all seemed very confusing and I was quite resistant to bringing up past woundedness again. I am aware mostly of the painful memories in my past . I feel I have wasted so much time and resources.  There is absolutely nothing I can do except trust and put my life henceforth into God's hands as events  over run me It is comforting to know that we are all being covered by thousands of prayers around the world, by God's people interceding for us because we are part of that Kingdom.Grant me the Grace, Lord Jesus, to hold my whole self up to Thee in gratitude.

I have experienced God's power and mercy in my life and my families. I look forward to the day that God is enough for me to be thankful for.  I pray that I may be conscious of God's support today.  I pray that I may rest safe and sure therein. God's miracle-working power is only limited in each of us by our lack of spiritual vision. God respects our free will, the right of each of us to accept or reject this miracle-working power.  Only the sincere desire of the soul gives God the opportunity to bestow it.  I pray that I may not limit God's power by my lack of vision.  I pray that I may be more sincere, that I may keep my mind open to day to God's influence. Week 2
  Joseph, India
Entering Second Week today. Forced to view the family albums by my son from far away who came to see me, otherwise i was reluctant to see them. But I am grateful. grateful to God for so many happy moments. Pray that I should be given a new, grateful heart.
I started Week 2 today. I didnt really complete Week 1. I just didnt want to reflect on the past any more. I think its more about the guilt I feel over my mistakes, than about the pain of different circumstances.

But since one of the goals of Week 2 is to lift up the whole life to God, espcially the parts that are less attractive, that seem less acceptable, I spent some time reflecting on why Im so resistant to reflecting on the past. If its all about gratitude, and I dont have to have it all together to be grateful, what I am supposed to be grateful for?

I guess its not just that I dont have to have it all together, today, in order to be grateful today. I also didnt have to have it all together in the past in order to be grateful for the past. I didnt have to have it all together, on a personal spiritual level, when I was on the mission trip, in order to be grateful for the experience and the opportunity. I didnt have to have it all together, when leading international ministry (or failing to lead, as the case may be), in order to be grateful for the opportunity, the friends, and the growth.

I didnt have it all together, but I can be grateful.
I am just starting 2nd week.  The reading on "secrets" and taking off our masks were particularly powerful.  I am battling sexual addiction.  Coming to God as I am is a challenge for me.  My desire to control things is sometimes overwhelming.  I pray that I can find peace this week and build my faith in God to trust him in every facet of my life.
It surprised me how of the many of the more painful memories resurfaced in week 2. I cried a lot, although I think that's also because my dad is seriously ill, and remembering the old days has been hard. Nostalgia literally means the pain of looking back, and it has been painful.
 
A big realisation for me was that I put much more pressure on myself than God ever does. I've sought perfection in  whatever I've  tried, if I didn't do too well  I would soon give up and move on to something else. My parent's weren't like that at all, but I expected it of myself. Whether creatively or spiritually I never reached my own expectations or I just got bored. I realise now that God was never that demanding and accepts me imperfect as I am. Strangely enough, I've "rediscovered" my love of music this week in a way I never have before, I can't explain how, but it's an enjoyable thing to do, without it being anything too serious. That's something new to me.
 
At this point, I accept myself and my life as gratefully as I can - and if that's not quite true because I haven't looked deep enough - then I'm sure I'd want to accept them and be thankful. I get the feeling that I don't have to cover all the different angles of my life to do this retreat well. I think I'm slowly learning that God does most of the work and I just have to do my best and leave it with Him. I hope I'm right in thinking that it's the spirit my life is lived in and being open to God that's more important than thinking I'm doing well.
This is my second week of my journey. I always find reflecting a challenging assignment. Aren't we really opening our hearts and souls to all that has happened in our past- both good and bad. It is never easy being judged even if it is by ourselves.

I really found the topic Removing our Masks very thought provoking. It is true for myself that I wear several masks to adapt to those that I am with. At times I question what my very thoughts are. I realize that I do this to be liked, for acceptance and most of all to prevent myself from being hurt.  I vow that this week I will try to live my life as God intended. (My genuine self will be seen this week). I am ready.
I moved to Italy almost two years ago.  I moved here in a relationship, into a home, a family, a job, a whole new life.  We had lots of generous help that made the physical transition easy.

My life here is completely different from what I knew in America, and everything has been a challenge of coping, learning, and finding comfort in newness.  Internally and emotionally, the transition was more difficult than I imagined.  Doubtful and fearful, my relationship was suffering because I was feeling tricked and cheated by coming here, and that was making me doubtful of everything, and angry.  Though I had thought Italy would be the remedy for all the anxieties that had plagued me in America, it was only giving me new questions and anxieties that I was not handling with grace or maturity. Everything that was NEW or DIFFERENT became a problem, and a challenge to my sense of self...or so I made it.

I am in week two of the retreat, and the burst of grace that came several days ago was the realization that I have so much to be grateful for.  My life here is rich in every sense of the word.  I needed to be shaken and re-focused on what my life is in this moment: that is, more full and beautiful and blessed than it has ever been before.  Instead of saying each morning: "why is everything unlike I wanted or expected?" I am learning to say "Thank you."  From this new perspective, I can begin to repair my relationship, into which my doubts have brought so much suffering.
My first week ended and now it is my second week on this retreat. I have not done a retreat in years!!!! I have spent my first week talking to God mentally, everywhere. I love Him very much, and I know He has always been there for me, even when I didn't care...My blessed moments in my childhood are sorrounded by water, air and nature. I was a *lonely child* with pet friends and nature for companion. And I still appreciate this things a lot. I know that God created the earth...and that HE touch all things.....Thank you for sharing and for let me to share.
Same mistakes of thinking negatively of situations, people. Feeling like I'll never change to be what I want to be  or how I want to see myself.  I feel like I keep tripping over the same stones in my journey. How can I open myself up to this retreat feeling this way? Feels like I can't get beyond the closed door to the other side in order to continue going where I want to go. Week 2
I now am in the 2nd week of the retreat and so much is opening up to me.  This retreat along with a class I am taking has helped me to realize so much.  During the first week I had a hard time reflecting on the last 20 years of my life because these were the hardest.  I now am able to look at these past 20 years with a new understanding.  An understanding that what was in my past, was and is and always shall be.  I have been enlightened to my life in the past by God.  I now look to God for my future, not years down the road, but what everyday holds for me.  I look to God's desires and know that with God's direction, I can fulfill these desires.  I will take much work, but I am open to and thankful for everything that I receive from God.  Thank You Lord!
I have now completed my second week of the Retreat. I often worry about what people will think of me and thus I do wear a lot of masks.  There are times when I worry that if I am my true self, that I will not fit or be accepted.  Other times I am content being the unique me that I am although this is confined to far fewer times and circumstances than I would like.  For the most part it is not a "dark side" that I hide but rather at times I just am not the real me - sometimes in fact I hide my 'bright side'.  I wonder how others would act in certain situations, or what is proper, or what the 'norm' would be, without looking inside and acknowledging that what I would say or do in any situation is right for me.  I have been thinking about that lately that I just need to be me and speak and do things the way that I feel is right for me without worrying about what others will say or think of me because of it.  In contemplating the questions for the week, it occurred to me that I do not think of God knowing certain situations in my life not because I do not believe that God actually does know but because I myself would rather not know them and accept them as part of my life.  God is present in everything and God created ME as a special unique being and I need to embrace fully who I am and live accordingly.  I need to more often be the true me without worry or restraint because of what others may think and just be the me that God already loves.
When I began the second week of this retreat I thought: " what is the use to think about my life again?"  Well, surprise.  I got much more than the first week.  After examining my life again I saw my weaknesses much better and some patterns in my behavior that I should correct, and that for sure will help me improve. Another thing that I did was talked to my kids (grown-up already) about some decisions I made in my life that affected them.  It brought interesting conversations that I think will bring us even closer.  I am ready to begin week 3 and looking forward to it.  Thank you for taking the time to make this retreat a reality.
As I reviewed my life's snapshots over week 2  many painful and difficult times came up. It was difficult to open these memories, not because I felt alone, no, they were many of the things I had boxed up and put away in my memories, trying to forget. It was God and his loving presence that got me through all those times. The pain I guess is from my feelings of failure, that control thing. But you know, in all my difficult times when I let go and turned my pain over to God, asking for His peace and strength, He always was there. The lesson I got from this week is that God was and is always there. I keep thinking of the words of a song "And even in your deepest shame, My Love for you has never changed. I Love You." Thank you God the Father, Son and Spirit!
This is the start of week two for me. I feel uncomfortable saying this since I've seen no like comments in the sharing area, but I am astounded by the level of anger, and extremely negative thoughts that are surfacing in me. I believed that I had already delt with much, if not most, of all that in counselling over these years. I've cried much and deeply in these first days of this retreat. What continues to come back to me in prayer is the whole question of trust, and insights into what is behind what I only now recognize is not a fear, but a terror to trust. This is all very difficult. I've grown aware of this very real high stone wall around my heart that I'd never have believed was there. I'm beginning to understand the interplay between the fierceness of my determination never to be hurt again, and the feeling of being in concrete, unable to go forward in my life, as though these very fears God is bringing to my consciousness to HEAL. I'm aware of this penetrating desire to trust, now, in these times, that God is truly with me while simultaneously fearing that He, too, will eventually trick me. I'm slowly understanding that all of this is indeed the answer to my consistent prayer over the years to learn to trust. I only thought it would come in a very different package.

In my reflection last week, I didn't find it easy to sense God's presence in the painful times of my childhood, nor in the subsequent years of very bad decisions and actions. But I am sensing Him now, last week and this, as I look at my life through adult eyes. It's as though He is carrying me back into the source of pain, when my little being made some decisions that ultimately have carried on the pain of my past.

I share thes things because I feel certain there must be at least one other person making this retreat who finds themselves in this dilemma who may also be encouraged to continue to trust this process despite the great fears to do so. We will help each other. All blessings be to God and to all making this retreat.
When the end of Week Two was approaching, I began to be very concerned  because I could not seem to make a lot of sense of the exercises nor the questions to reflect on about the photo album of my lifestory.  It all seemed very confusing and I was quite resistant to bringing up past woundedness again.  Then, on Sunday morning, I thought of a way...  I would look at my description of each picture in my photo album and put a smiley face or a sad face next to each picture. Several times, when the time was neither happy nor sad, I put a straight line where the mouth was.  (I had 55 pictures in my album.)  Thee were about 7 pages of descriptions of the photos and each page covered a timespan of anywhere from 5 years to 11 years  of my life.  After this exercise, I added up the smileys and sads, and the neither smiley nor sads on each page.  I put a ratio like 8-6-1, or 10-2 -2  to let me know the ratio of happy to sad to neither happy nor sad  for each page.  Doing this, gave me an overall glimpse of just how often God had been with me and blessed me during my life .... (almost 65 years of it.)
I did not pray enough this week. I did not focus enough. I had too many distractions. As such I did not focus on me as a whole person and accept myself; and I was insensitive and critical of those around me. I found comfort in Paul’s words for yesterday’s mass when he is seeking for God to remove one of is faults at 2 Cor 12: 8-10: Three times I besought the Lord about this, that it should leave me; but he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." I will all the more gladly boast of my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.  For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities; for when I am weak, then I am strong.
I will trust in God that it is enough that I reflect on my failing and seek to overcome them. Lord, I take this as the grace given for the week: I have achieved little for you this week, I have not been sensitive to those around me, and have not given you enough of myself; but through these weaknesses you love me and your power is perfect within me. I am the silver in which you can be perfectly reflected. Your power is perfect within me like because I am the silver. I heard: In Malachi 3:3, Scripture states, “He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver." 
I feel like I got ahead of myself on the first week's thoughts. The whole crossroads thing. I know that there have been several in my life time and that this is one of them. I really liked the prayer about if I were clear I could pray. I have done some yoga and have read and tried to practice meditation. Trying to quiet yourself so that you can be open to God's message is not as easy as it sounds. This world we live in is a noisy place always trying to get and keep our attention on many THINGS. It remains a goal of mine to remain true to what I know to be Good, open to learn more of Goodness, practice what is Good with confidence as a true witness to The Word, The Way. No fanfare, no preaching, no smugness JUST DO IT! 

One of the experiences that came up this week, was that of being a nursing student,  It was one that I wasn't comfortable with at all, and couldn't imagine why the lord wanted me to dwell on this.  But I stayed with it.  This is the experience.  I remember being in the library and writing down the first sentence of every paragraph to make my book report and realizing that this was wrong because I really didn't know what was in the article.  I realized that all my training was a sham.  It looked good but deep down wasn't so hot.  I eventuallly had a depression but did not understand the message of this experience.  This week with the Lord I understood.  The point is not so much to look good but to be good,.even if it's not spectacular.  I've always wanted to better than everyone else and found myself wanting, and depreciated myself, but I think the Lord wants me to be a person of heart, a person who is good.  

I am in week two of the retreat , and I am finding  that even though I am very busy at work through the day, the questions do pop up in my mind.  I had a easier time in week one and really was very overwhelmed by the onslaught of memories of the blessings and presence of God in my life.  I really dwelt on my early childhood, for there were so many moments of grace and presence.  I found that I realized that God's presence was not as obvious to me at certain periods of my life, when I was too consumed with my will.

He was and is always there.

This week , I am having a more difficult time with accepting the fact that God was there in every wrong decision He gave me the free will to make.  I am now at a point in my life where I feel great gratitude for the unbelievable gifts that I have been given by God... people  who have been the embodiment of Christ in their love.  I  have found that I accept the fact that God was there in my parents bouts with cancer, my infertility, my struggles with my weaknesses, and in all of the joys of my life too.

The question of crossroads keeps coming up,  I have regrets in my life and I guess it is for the decisions that I made that were my will and not God's that I have had to struggle with this week and really for a long time.  Does God love me ? Yes.  Do I love me for making and now living with decisions that have altered my life ... that is the big question.


I’m half way through week 2, and struggling. One of the suggested questions of the week asked whether I have difficulty imagining God knowing some parts of my story, or imagining Him accepting me there. I have no difficulty with that because I know God know me far better than I know myself. What I struggle with is accepting myself in those places. The reading for the week about removing masks is an incredible challenge for me. It has taken all of my 54 years to shape those masks, and I am frightened of taking them off. My prayer has focused on identifying the masks and finding the courage to remove them. Lord, I can’t do it without You. 

It is the first day of week two for me. I am struck by the prayers, readings, and reflections prepared for this week. It seems as though they were all written just for me. They are reflections of my thoughts, my questions, my doubts, my dreams, and my desires. God the Lord has been so good to me, in spite of (or is it because of) who I am. I know in my heart that I am His creation, and that He is not finished with me yet. Still, I know how frail I am, and how easily I fall into sin, especially the sin of pride. It consumes me WITH me. I long to let go, and yet seem unable. I pray for the strength and the wisdom to be the man I was made to be, and to do the will of Him who is the creator.  

I am in week 2 and am still trying to do this background work. When I don't feel as if I've allowed enough of it in my day, I take some time out of my life to especially give to it. I feel blessed that I am able to do this, as I don't have an outside job and my children are grown and on their own and my husband is very understanding. In fact, I feel as if I could use him as a spiritual helper. I have made directed retreats before, so I do have experience in following the Spiritual Exercises. I know about getting to the top of the mountain with our Transfigured Lord, but realize that most of life is lived in the valley.  But He is with us in both places. You are doing a wonderful service for many. I appreciate it greatly and ask God's blessing to be with you.  

I am just finishing week 2,and the one thing that has, and is causing me some unease, is that, when I look back over my life, particularly my childhood and young adult years, I could hardly find any very "happy" moments to reflect on, any moments that "stood out". However, I have been helped by a letter in the sharing slot.  Although I am now 70 yrs of age, I look back and see that I have also depended on people, places and things to sustain me, even though I have been involved with church, and church life all my life.  I feel I have wasted so much time.  I will pray.  

I'm beginning week 2.  Week one was wonderful.  I have been sucessful for two weeks now in avoiding the stronghold sins to which I have been adicted for years.  I can't wait to share this with my spiritual director on Thursday.  It is so good to take time to be with God every day.  I love the flexible structure of this retreat program.  I am so awestruck at God's patience with me.  Praise God from whom all blessings flow! I pray for the graces to continue being open and to increase my openness so as to receive more of the blessings that God wants to shower on me.  I am praying for all who are on this journey and those who make it available. 
I begin this week with a new spurt of energy since last week was so good for me.  The questions about our stories' depth were a great help in centering me...they helped me see where God was most present to me.  He surely was very present at the sudden death of a very well loved brother. I raged at him at first but slowly by slowly he led me to the foot of the cross.  My favorite way of seeing Jesus is a LIGHT - his light is with me always surrounding me and leading me on and protecting me - often during the day I call on him to put his LIGHT around me - I feel cushioned in his light. 
Just finishing the second week of my retreat, I think I received a great grace. As the retreat has been going on , I felt  God's presence and love  in my life more and more obviosly. while I was walking many crossroads, I think he was always with me. I'm sure he was waiting for me to discern his presence even when I did my work very well by myself and I thought I need not anyone else's help.when I discerned him but not willing todo, he patiently waited for me to change my mind. . Regardless of  my wrongdoing and sin and ignorance ,  he always loved me and was with me. Now I 'm so grateful to my God. His loving encourages me  to hold myself up to him. 

I'm on Week 2 of the retreat.  I'm finding it hard to stay focused and to spend time with God.  Still I'm writing on the guideposts.  What comes for me this week is my lack of direction in my life.  I just turned 40 on Tuesday, and had no food in the refrigerator.  A friend took me out for lunch and I still managed to have a good birthday.  Though I don't have any food, I allowed myself to go out on a date yesterday with a man who is interested in me.  Though I enjoyed his company I don't think God wants me to be dependant upon others for food, and shelter.  That is not right to the other person nor to me, and I know I would resent this dependance in the long run.  Still a part of me longs to be married, and close to someone, and this need at 40 overshadows many of the practical things I "should" be attending to.  I can only pray for the strength to be honest and open with my friend, and not use him for his love and affection.  
I am in my second week and am very happy and thankful to God and you for making this possible and helping us take time in our busy world to talk and listen to God who speaks to us in many loving ways, opportunities, celebrations. I feel my love for God so strong and I feel it in the presence of my Dad who celebrated his 91 Th. birthday yesterday with us his family who loves him very much, each in their own way. I have a sister and a brother who don't want to speak or see my Dad. But 5 of us his children love him and care for him. My Mother died at 56 yrs.32yrs.ago and my older sister 47 died at 47 both of cancer. My dad is a cancer survivor (10 yrs). and we are very proud of him. Life is very precious and I know we owe all that to God's love. I have so much to share. I am 57 yrs.old and very proud of each year of my life as I look back and see God's hand always with me no matter what. I believe there is so much to discover about God's plan in my life and this is why I continue this retreat. Lord I love you bless my family who bless me with their love each day. 
Last week was not a good week...I tried and each day gave some time to prayer and reflection and the great reading indicated for the week.  But the whole week was a struggle. 
This week is very different...I want to do more...it is easy to concentrate and keep the theme of the week 'in the background of my daily work".  God is very present...

What kept me going last week was a sentence I read from the reading for morning prayer: "The infinite bounty of God begins with the gift of life itself and continues with everything that sustains it".  I think I knew that God was in my distractions and that helped me enormously.  And it tied in beautifully with Psalm 39 which I am continuing to pray this week.  We are "fearfully, wonderfully made".

Thank you all for your sharing and prayer for our group.  I know this is part of all that is good this week.

I started the week being surprised at the amount of love and kindness and goodness I remembered in my childhood and early life which came from my family and friends and colleagues.  The end of the week was spent in floods of tears – the dark times in my life coupled with a dark time at present -  why does life always get in the way when you are trying so hard to do something beautiful for God?  However I give this retreat to the Lord and trust him and praise and thank him for all the good and happy and loving memories I received this week.  I ask for the grace to keep trying next week. 
I'm on the second day of  2 week. Last week looking back my life, I was so sad and angry with myself. for  past years since I thought I had to be responsible of my wrong choice in marriage and job, I kept stuggling with myself and my mind was hurt. and then I led an unhappy life for about 10 years. but these days I have tried to forgive myself and accept myself as who I am. I think this retreat is very useful in me.

Especilly the photograph of 1 week gave me a great deal of consolation and closeness to God. I felt My GOD has been holding me like the mother in the photo, while I was walking a crossroad.  I became so comfortable and could get rid of my sadness and anger a little. now I'm so happy. because I'm sure My God is here and now, forever. 


I am from a non-english speaking country, perhaps also with a different culture and history, but since last week I am following these Exercises in the ordinary life. Of course its not my first experience, but certainly I need to discern about my life, my job and certainly to find God´s will struggling with managerial and professional issues, in situations that every day become more and more stressing and complicated. Dealing with -the photos- certainly are like triggers that awake many memories in me some of them gifts.  Seeing the sacrifice of my parents to give us a good education, painful times for them.  Being aware of not being grateful enough to them, but also that they were  always there, teaching me - parents, grand-mother, jesuits.   But also many places where I used to feel fear, anguish, many hurts and wounds, that perhaps I have not let God heal them, that I can realize God´s forgiveness and forgive myself, and of course, to accept the acceptation.  Many thanks for the experiences of many brothers and sisters that I have found here. Of course thanks to God, because they are coming from encounters with Him. 
As I begin week two today I am aware mostly of the painful memories in my past. I was ashamed of that because at first I had recalled so many joyful memories from my childhood. It was in my adolesence that the painful ones took place, mostly surrounding my mother. I wanted to hide those from my God and it made me feel so alienated. Then, as I read the pages in week two the image of the tangeled vine that reached it's tenticles into the present and future generations became clear to me. I must return to these painful memories and seeking their roots, give them over to God, the Gardener of my life. I feel suddenly, not so alone. Gratefully, Ann  
This past ten days, I have experienced God's power and mercy in my life and my families. Near the end of the second week of this retreat, my 20 year old grandson called to tell me his home had been gutted out by fire.  He was panic stricken as he watched it on the News. He thought God was punishing him for his life style. Remebering Ps.139  I was able to tell him that God doesn't destroy what He creates. In the past Chris has not felt loved by Father God, as he doesn't know his earthly father. This fire stopped us all in our tracks, and a grand evaluation resulted.  The Community of San Angelo rallied to help him. God with skin on, no?    Chris says, he didn't know how many people cared for him. Our Bishop has sent some money to Chris and his friend. Catholic Charities and many stores are ready to help as soon as Chris has a place. He doesn't attend church or pray, however that has changed. 

He has seen God's love in people, some do not even know him. 
He can hear me now when I say God really loves him. 
I am very encouraged too. 
I have nothing but gratitude in my heart to such a wonderful God.

I came to this retreat because I have been feeling directionless and discontent with my life and myself.  I am starting week 2, and while I was not as focused as I would like to have been for week 1, I thought a lot about those times in my life when I was happy.  There are a few periods in my life that stand out - the reason I was happy during these times was because I was surrounded by good friends who made me feel valued and whom I felt I could truly be myself around, and I was doing things with my life that felt important.  Lately, I haven't really felt that connection with others, and for the past few months I have been searching for some activity/job that will really fulfill me and allow me to use my gifts. Since my natural tendency is to withdraw from people, I know that I would be so much happier if I only took the steps to share myself with my friends and family - I guess I am hoping that I will have the strength and the courage to actually put this knowledge into action.  I know that God wants me to be happy, so I hope that I will be able to let go of the behaviors and actions I take that keep out that happiness.
It took me 14 days to accomplish the 2nd week. It has been sometimes difficult to enter more deeply in my own story in the middle of my activities. But I have achieved it and now I'm satisfied with the results. I found graces, answers and specially a strong belief of the actual presence of God. God is living!! and has always accompanied me all the way! Dt 1, 31-33 I also found many pieces of gold in the pan of my life eventough it took two weeks  to get rid of the debris. Yesterday,  I finally hold my whole life up to God. Many things have change for me,
As I have reflected on the week 1 and week 2 offerings, I was struck by the fact that God has always kept me in his hand.  I was very near to God as a child and teen, but turned away from him as a young adult for a few years, but I always knew He was there and that I would return to Him.  I came from an abusive family background and, over the past 11 years, have had that background transformed by God and have seen His Loving Hands hold me.
I am in the middle of the second week. And I am just looking for a new work. I would like to do something according to God's will. But it is very difficult to understand His will.  When looking back into my life last week, I found that many of my hard times were signs on the way to Him. Not to lose myself in other things or unhealthy relations. But I always feel not to do enough. It is very hard, to trust on his guidance. I am used to settle things myself. I am used to take responsibility for my faults. But how can I know, how to do the right choice? Perhaps my choice is not so important, because He will stay in contact and will show me how to go further on.  It is really difficult not to be ambitious but to rely in God's guidance.
Just finishing my second week.  I am amazed at the process this retreat is leading me through.  It is like things are sneaking up on me and making themselves known.  I have gained new insight into events from my life that I thought I had figured out a long time ago.  The images of "panning for gold" and "crossroads" have been strong for me.  I am looking forward to what other gifts are on their way.
This is the end of week 2 for me. I have reviewed all the questions a couple of times trying to answer them as honestly as I could. The one that seems to keep resurfacing is: What graces, insights etc. were given to me. I found 2. First, for the 1st time in my adult life I could see something positive in my relationship with my mother. At least as a small child I can remember some good things that she did for me and can realize that when she sent me to school with the sisters she did so out of as much love as she had. Considering the anger, of the last years of our relationship before she died that is a major break through. I can actually think of her with love which I couldn't before.

That insight is good for several reasons but for me it is good because it is concrete. It's like I've accomplished something, the second isn't like that. I have a sense that I don't really want to go beyond the surface of my life. I seem to keep putting up barriers. I get too busy to really think. I find other things to do. I feel tempted to say this isn't important, why bother? It is like I am running away terrified of what I might find. I like a feeling of accomplishment of finality and this is more a sense of dis-ease, uncertainty and I am uncomfortable with it. I hope this gets better as I go through this retreat.

Doing this retreat hurts so much, I feel a grating and an aching in my throat.  It has highlighted for me how much I resist God and avoid his presence, and block up his entry points in my life with distractions.  I can't bear to let him in.

Maybe that's why I can't do this 'holding it in the background' stuff.  I have to do it consciously to have any awareness.

When you asked me to reflect when I felt most known by God, I realised that I have not let him know me since I was in the womb.  I feel a complete assurance of his presence but I deeply resist and fear and struggle against him coming closer.

My life has felt like a struggle for love and acceptance.  I have a desperate yearning and longing for God.  When I allow myself to open to this feeling along come feelings of helpless anger and pain.  My God, my God, why have you abandonned me!

I cannot bear to look on you or feel myself.  I am filled with anger and hate of you that I shoud live in this harsh and hateful dessert.

Mary - end of week two


I'm on day 2 of week 2. This is definitely a good thing. I'm beginning to notice how many of God's blessings and answers to my prayers I've overlooked because of their perfect subtlety. For example: I'll be reading an inspirational book that came my way through a friend for two days before I'll realize that it's God who made sure I got that book! These are very happy revelations and re-confirm that God is present in every moment of my life; from the mundane to the ecstatic. Please pray for me as I attempt to "pan for gold" in some painful past memories. One thing I've come up with is that many of these tough, early and persistent abuse experiences could have been much, much worse. Truly. I think I can and will get further than that in my reflections, but it's slow-going, you know? My inner peace NOW is really increasing. I came to this retreat 2 months into RCIA, which has been an intense journey for someone whose family is pretty set against it. Despite that, I think I've found my spiritual home in Catholicism. It feels like mine, like home.

I received a great grace. As I'm only in the second week, I wasn't expecting this now. This grace was overwhelming and unexpected. I was taking a shower and was overcome by gratitude. You see, I am a cancer survivor and just three or four years ago I wasn't able to stand in the shower for more that five minutes! I was absolutely FILLED with the beauty and grace of living a grateful life. GOD IS GOOD!
I have been participating in the retreat for 2 weeks.  I have journalled.  I have discussed events and God experiences with friends and my mom.  I have shared prayers contained within the retreat.  Today, I was moved by this prayer " It would be easier to pray"... I wonder somewhere between gratitude and grievance, wonder and routine, high resolve and undone dreams, generous impulses and unpaid bills...I find peace in the time spent on this retreat. I find myself looking for the positive or good of events, conversations and trials of the day.  There remain moments where I manage my stress versus enjoy my happiness.  The Trinity has given me many opportunties which have demonstrated blessings in my life.  I seek to let the Father, Son and Holy Spirit continue to guide me through the maze of life.  I want to fulfill dreams and enjoy life and not be caught up in business. 
I am a lover of the Franciscans and this site is my first real contact with the Jesuits.  Thank you for putting this wonderful site on the internet...it's just what I needed.  I  will mention this site to my prayer group.  I am only on week 2 but the thoughts have certainly been in the forefront of my mind as well as continuing in that background area that you mentioned. I'll keep you posted. God bless.
I have had a great insight and coming together this week after  two weeks of the retreat. I have always been dependant on people , places and things for my solace. I can see it in every thing in my life and in the crossroads. I know only God can bring this to  me and I am a little scared, as I have live all 69 years  hoping some one would save me. If anyone reads this, please say a prayer for my healing. With gratitude  .
By re-visiting places in memories and re-collecting them (2) whilst focusing on specific images, crossroads etc... It was revealed to me that all were knitted together because of a one problem /gift ( hard hearings) that accompanied me since my childhood.

Even though I have always had the feeling that God is accepting me as I am I find out that I did not try to be kept faithful 100 % all the way in a relationship with Jesus.  This is the reason why my life was unbalanced.

I am attracted now to confess , that in every part of my life I was given an open invitation from God's presence and Love to participate in a reciprocal love.  I was totally known by God in each moment of my life til now through His unconditionnal Love.

I am as I am accepted by God , that is the key answer. Should I accept his unconditionnal Love ?  That is the key question..... 

I realized that it was a gift to share in carrying the Cross , to share Jesus with love and joy.  I must say Thank you for knowing who the giver is.
Exploring and discovering what the gift really is cannot be completly fulfilled without returning reciprocal and unconditionnal love, without confession of my sins, without a reconciliation with our Heavenly Father  who is always present in the Holy Trinity.

O  God , your works are so perfect, everything has been set to it by your Wisdom.  I pray that I may keep still in your Hands, You are the Oneness. 
Amen

I have been troubled by the question, "Where, in my life story, did I feel most totally known by God?" (2)  I have several very vivid memories of particular times in my life I really believe I was totally known by God.  They each seem to be parts of my story that are not known by others.  There are the sins.  They seem the most embarrassing.  Yet, as I've thought about them, and even tried to see the grace in how they really are a special place where God knows and loves me, I realized that there are a few other places unknown by others.  There were some very private moments, when I was especially free of temptation and I simply gave myself to God.  I just realized that I was most totally know there.

Week 2 and I feel that I should go back to #one. Attention span short.  Can't focus. Reading sharing thoughts....Wish I could slip the bonds of everyday existence,  to be like those who write, of God ,of love, melding to the spirit.  Wanting to live a life of simple goodness.  Can't get started, can't focus, can't put "self" aside, unable, unsuited, unprepared, can't be like the child I once was. Trying.......failing.....failing again, at what point are all my chances used?  .................... Six score years and more, and  I leave each day unfullfilled in a quest to make the rest of my time what it should be. Much to overcome. Time running out. A simple answer eludes me, a difficult answer overwhelmes me, any answer would be acceptable, but none so far. Pray  you say.   My comrads.... this IS my prayer............and a plea,....."get thee behind me satan."
I am in the second week of my retreat.  It feels just right to return to my religion after an absence of over 35 years.  I have been blessed to be married to a wonderful woman for three years, a great partner with whom we are making the journey to God together in our worship and our daily closeness. I am trying to give back to others in my daily life what I have been so fortunate to receive.  I have decided to volunteer time to counsel people in need of help.  I had practiced as a Psychologist for 15 years before moving to Manhattan in 1985 at which  time I could not find suitable employment as a Psychologist.  Instead I began a career working on Wall Street.  The past 15 years have had some great moments but the real emptiness was only filled when I met the woman four years ago who was to become my wife and friend.  Now I am looking for a counseling center that I could be a part of.  I think that is the main goal of my retreat - to become conformable enough with my religion and my life to figure out how to give to others in a way that will be of assistance to them.

I started the retreat last week and have just begun week 2.   I meet

each week with a group to listen to God and then share our journey.  Because I am a busy working mum this retreat has always been impossible for me to do - so finding this website is such a grace for me. Thank you.

Childhood memories are so painful for me in every respect. Parents, school, teenage life.  Most of them are blocked out and I do not go there.  So to find myself actually laughing out loud at something I had once found so painful was incredible.  I just know that God had given me a different insight into some of those memories and I was able to release some of the pain and anger and let them go.  I still have a long way to go and I can see that week 2 is going to be even more challenging.

Thank you Jesus for always being my friend and journeying with me throughout my life.

End of Week 2....  The words I keep focusing on almost like a mantra have been The ONE who formed me in my mother's womb is still forming me.  I can literally feel that. Like I am being shaped and molded. And I am still at times struggling against the Potter's hands.  Would that I could learn to sit on the Potter's Wheel and allow His design to take shape.  Why do I struggle so?
My brothers and sisters in Christ on Retreat, This is week two for me on retreat...and 31 years since my last retreat...20 years since I have been in a state of Grace of the Church...This is the first step on the long road back... What I am gaining from this retreat is: Hope of Our Lord's Redemption and Forgiveness...and that it is only by God's hand that I am here...this site was not all that easy to find...it just appeared. Please pray for me...and my angel, for I know the road will be a long one...and my angel is REAL TIRED of trying to get me back to Christ without too much help from me!  The love of Christ be with us all in our journey to salvation.
As a Protestant now in a formation program to become a spiritual director, the Exercises were entirely new to me. And what a gift they have been so far! Though I started the extended Exercises last September, just in the last week was I introduced to this on-line retreat, and I'm finding the materials to be very rich - especially the introductory commentaries for the Weeks.

As I approach the end of the Second Week, I am now taking a week to review what's happened over the past seven months. One of the major things which stands out to me is a deepening understanding of Jesus and his ministry. This has come about for me through using the Scriptures for prayer and meditation. (I completed seminary training nearly twenty years ago, and find myself saying to friends what a huge difference there is between theological study of the Bible, and praying the Scriptures!)

One particular highlight: In meditating on Jesus' baptism, what grabbed my attention most were the words that resound like a benediction over the whole event: "You are my beloved Child, in whom I am well pleased." Through the Ignatian approach of putting myself into the story, I felt for the first time how thirsty I have been to hear such words! I have always had a great talent for keeping a mental list of what I think my own shortcomings are, so to think that God speaks those words as well to my own heart and soul was an extraordinary grace for me. I too am God's beloved child (as is each and every one of us)! If this is true, then this means that my own judgment about myself may in fact be unrealistic and skewed. Who am I to judge myself so harshly, when God loves me so completely?

This has been like a light breaking in to a great darkness, and my whole Being is lifted up.

I am starting week 2 of my journey.  I am discovering that my fear of judgement is keeping me away from an intimacy with my Lord, other people and myself.  I am very hard on myself and my own worst critic.  I watch others describe their personal awareness of God's love and tears fill their eyes as they speak.  I want that.  It seems out of my reach and I feel frustrated and saddened.  What is it about me that blocks an intimacy with my Lord and for that matter with myself?  I look back and see mostly negative.  I recall my closest moments with God as those where I have been blessed and feel gratitude.  And yet, it is often said by my brothers and sisters in the faith that they feel closest when they struggle and are troubled.  They ask and sense an outpouring of God's providence and compassion that comforts them.  When I struggle my mind races and I feel overwhelmed.  I pray a desparate prayer that lacks depth and seems repetitive.  I am hopeful that this journey will assist me.  It already is.  I am taking time to pray and be still and reflect. I really want to know the love of God.  I want to know who I am in His eyes and share that with others.  God bless each of us on this path and please keep this seeker in your prayers. 

I am having an awful time.  This is the beginning of the second week.  Since last Thursday, one bad thing after another has been happening.  They are the kind of things thalt hurt me the most and send me spinning. 

I do trust God, and I do want His healing and the blessings of this retreat. I am willing to go through this, including the possibility of failure or the appearance of failure (I worry too much, still, about what other people think), if it is God's will.  I'm willing, but I sure don't want to.  God has never let me down in the past; but He does ask hard things some times.  Truly, I can count my blessings.  In reading what others have shared here, I realize many people have much more difficult problems. I want to offer God all this pain for these people, the person who confronted me today and his family, and for the glory of God.  I want to be part of this family of people making this retreat.

Week two is almost over and it has been a wonderful experience for me. Reflections on the cross-roads in my life brought up some magnificent feelings of gratitude even though I do remember that at some of those times I did think myself to be alone. It was during those dark times that prayer helped and I do believe that God can sift through my prayers and keep what is good. 

If you could see me today you would see the smile I wear and the light in my eyes. I am glowing from the inside out! Just to realize that God has never abandoned me (even when I grumbled and was foolish) makes me bubble with joy. He had a plan and every memory I dealt with this week made me very aware that I am who I am today because this is my Creator's doing. This is wonderful.   I know who I am and I love myself too...bug-a-boo's and all. It is the Love of God that has formed me and the struggles I've experienced to keep the good that is within me alive are due only to His wonderful graces showered upon me even before I came to know Him.

When I started this retreat a few weeks ago I didn't know if I would be able to do it.  There is so much about my life that I don't remember, and don't know if I want to. But I know that I have to,  because if I don't then I won't be able to move on and live my life as God intended.  I have always known that God was there through everything.  Through every minute detail. He was the only one that I could count on.  He was the only one that saw my tears and joys.  And understood them for what they were.  Since I started this retreat I have come to an even deeper relationship with God.  And I appreciate that He has always been in control.  He has given me a wealth of experiences that will assist me in the future and have made me a more understanding, loving person.  I know that whatever happens in my life I don't have to look very far to find my best friend because He is always right beside me.

I'm just ending the 2nd week of the retreat, and am amazed at the revelations of God's precense/action in so much of my life.  4 years ago we moved my aging mother from 1200 miles away to a Senior Apartment complex in our town.  Her personality quirks of passive/aggressive behavior had started to drive me crazy once she got settled here.  During the "going deeper" parts of week 2, I have begun to realize how much of my personality and my faults were modelled during childhood on her behavior.  I am sure it was the same for her and her nuclear family.  "The sins of parents......"    I thank God for allowing her to move her to that I can be confronted with this and learn from it.  I pray for my own children that we can break the cycle of learned family dysfunctional behavior.  I pray for my mother that God's peace may envelope her in her final years.  Thank you for your retreat site!
This web site found me several weeks ago and I am very grateful! Having been married for eight years, I had the rug pulled from me not to long ago. A dear friend of mine suggested that I turn to Jesus and work on my conscious contact with him for consolation, I have and it has helped. Many years ago, I took a retreat for an in-depth writing workshop..this reminds me of that...It is not an easy thing to look back on ones life and reflect on one's area that needs strengthening..but the consolation is that I am not alone and I will be healed to serve better. Is selfishness the root of evil? Why is it glorified? The retreat process has given me an inner prompting to journey more into the depths of who I am and let go and give to god all that has not worked in my life so that I may learn to love more freely. It sounds simple but it is not. To learn to love and see God in all things and keep a realistic perspective,grounded in one's  spirituality is not an easy things. Kudos to those who have created this site. There is not one day that goes by that I am not grateful for it. My prayers to those of us who take the journey..may you all continue to be blessed... Enjoy!!!
I felt "stuck" at wk 1, then even more so at wk 2, thinking: "There must be some more coming out of this".  Then I looked at what I had written, felt, experienced and received during this month-long first two weeks and could only smile at my own foolishness.  I thank God for infinite kindness and patience.  So I'm taking a bit longer for the climb.  There's nothing new in that for me.  It's OK as long as I keep going. With a prayer of thanksgiving for all those involved in the creation of this on-line retreat and a prayer for abundant grace to those participating in it.

Week 3

Even for someone who’s studied art history as little as I have, “perspective” is a loaded term. It calls to mind the flatness of painted spaces before the renaissance, the dawning of a “natural” perspective with its infinite “vanishing point”, and, much more recently, David Hockney’s inversion of that renaissance perspective, which seems to collapse toward the viewer. The idea that all of creation is for my salvation felt very much like David Hockney’s collapsing perspective: it seemed like it should be going “away” from me, toward God, not toward me. It is an enormous, often over-sweet burden, like a debt of sumptuous gifts.
Some things—like coffee—are easier to envision as helping me toward salvation. But what about that person who despises me, who ridicules me, who bullies my family members? Seeing that person as a gift is a worthwhile struggle. Week 3
- Tom, Pennsylvania

I am on week #3 trying to catch up to the rest of you. The power of the sharing part is strong. One person wrote “the desire to desire….” At first I thought there was a mistake. Surely, the writer meant “the desire to change.” But no, when I reread the line it was meant to be just that. Not just the desire to change but even the desire to desire is valued by our God.

It reminds me of the title of a play “I Love You, You’re Perfect, Now Change.” I want to see it someday. I laugh at the irony. I thought about it in terms of our retreat and rewrote it this way…Christ saying to us, “I love you, you’re not perfect, let me help you change.”

I am new to this retreat and I want to thank God for the opportunity to share my thoughts on this reading for Week 3. St. Ignatius's thought that the earth and everything in it was created for me. I'm not comfortable with that wording. I recognize that his words don't give us license to abuse the earth's offerings in order to build some kind of unnecessary surplus for me. I feel that the earth and all its systems was co-created with me rather than for me and it is my responsibility to care for the earth and to take from it only what is necessary for life.
God bless,
Mary D.

Am I doing enough?...or
Am I counting too much on myself?

Am I being complacent?...or
Am I being proud ?

These are the questions I woke up with this morning
on a holiday with time to reflect

Later, after praying and doing the retreat, my answer was this prayer

THANK YOU FOR GIVING ME THE DESIRE TO BE IN HARMONY WITH YOU

I certainly chose the right activity to start this week's retreat. I went fly fishing! On a beautiful fall day, in great countryside, with cooperative large brown trout it's hard not to give great thanks for all that we have.

I find the reflection on praising, revering and serving very motivating as I went about my work this week.

I contrast how I felt for large parts of this week with one of my more common approaches to living … all things are there for my annoyance especially if they get in the way of what I want to do or feel I should do at that particular moment. I thank God for his presence in my life and I pray to refine my desires so that I find His purpose for the next few years of my life with real clarity.

On Sunday, I went outside to a quiet park setting to try and ease my tension and appreciate the beauty of God's creations. As I sat I noticed a man put several bags of groceries on the sidewalk and then I saw why. He was approaching a woman and toddler. She put the child down and the man opened his arms wide from several feet away. With a look of utter delight, trust, and love, that baby ran on his unsteady little feet straight to Daddy, who scooped him up. This is what is meant by becoming like a little child -- leaving the safety of our own world, and then running toward Our Father with trust, even though we could very well stumble. I pray that I may grow more like a child in trust that my Father will catch me and will always love me and that I will always journey toward His waiting, open arms.

When I open my eyes, I discover such graces.
-- Denise

I am in week 3 and struggling. In my head I know that God loves me unconditionally but in my heart, I just can't seem to "get it". I think I am trying to see too big a picture and am being overwhelmed by the evil and greed that permeates our world. I pray that I can simplify my thoughts to being able to handle them. I live in the mountains of Montana and use the beauty around me for perspective. Maybe I will understand more as the week goes on.This is to say thank you to the woman who wrote about the dream she had about her father, who had sexually abused her as a child. In the dream, she was a young woman and her father was "cleaned up, handsome, and not drunk". He helped her across the street & says he is sorry for 'pulling her' & 'treating her like a little girl' and she says 'that's okay, you are just getting to be the daddy like you really wanted to be'. And I, too, was crying...I was not sexually abused by my Dad, but he was unfaithful to my Mom &, really, me & my brothers, he drank too much and left us alone when my Mom was at work, thinking that he was with us. I would lie in bed crying & praying that he would come home so there would not be an argument. But it never happened that way. My Dad died when I was 27 yrs. old. I always wondered if he was able to get to heaven. He never went to Holy Communion for all the years I can remember. I had a dream where he came to me in a store in the neighborhood where !
I lived as a child. I ran to him, thinking he had come back to life. He said, no, he just came to let me know he was alright and that "I've been talking to him since I got here." That was it. I believe it was a way of God telling me that he was not in hell and I was comforted. Today, though, as I read how your Dad said he was sorry to you, I started crying so hard, because my Dad never said that to me and I felt, all of a sudden, as if he was right there with his arms around me telling me how sorry he was for all the pains he caused me then & the painful memories I am having now because of them. That dream I had of him was nearly 23 years ago. I'd like to think our wonderful God sent him back to me today to finally say how sorry he is & for me, too, to say out loud to him the same words you said to your Dad in your dream, 'that's okay...' It has been such a blessing for me. It's all because you had the courage to tell us all about your deepest pain and by doing that helpin!
g, I'm sure, not only me, but many others. I'll pray for you and all o f us who journey together.

I am in week 3 and struggling. In my head I know that God loves me unconditionally but in my heart, I just can't seem to "get it". I think I am trying to see too big a picture and am being overwhelmed by the evil and greed that permeates our world. I pray that I can simplify my thoughts to being able to handle them. I live in the mountains of Montana and use the beauty around me for perspective. Maybe I will understand more as the week goes on.

Before I started the retreat I was very sucidal. My husband has a very negative attitude and criticises everyone. I get so fed up most of the time in defending the whole world and having a positive attitude. I also worry too much about our 2nd son. I refuse to accept God's will for him. He's a very clever boy but discontinued his studies. He hangs around with drug addicts and I'm afraid of what might happen to him. So I have engaged myself in a few regular church activities to be of service to others and keep myself busy in the weekends. Now I'm in front of a big cross road as my husband wants to retire in a year and return to our country. I do not want to follow him as our sons are not yet independant. So I keep praying and trusting in the Lord to give me courage. I ask Him a lot of questions and I hope that someday I'll have my answers.
I love the picture this week and was so happy to see it. The first 2 weeks the photos made me very uncomfortable.
I don't feel tuned in to this retreat, or I feel I fall short of everyone else's efforts. Hard to put into words.
I have a big problem praising God and a bigger one loving Jesus.
I read some of the sharing and went back to the picture of the week and pictured myself sitting on the right side of Jesus. Very very comfortable. I want to be close to him, just don't know how. This picture is enough for me for now.
Thanks to all who have shared here.Today is a great day for smiling.
I’m near the end of my third week of the retreat. The first two were so positive, such joyous experiences, that I knew a let-down was inevitable. Now, at week three, I feel distant from the Lord, mostly because I have been caught up in the U.S. election. It feels as though this involvement leaves no room for "spiritual" things. Yet, as the morning prayer puts it, "may all my encounters, reflections, even the frustrations and failings, all place my life in your hands." In other words, it need not be just the so-called "holy" moments I place in God's hands; rather, I place my life in His hands -- the totality of that life. Yesterday, I tried something daring: I prayed in words that revealed my "unacceptable" thoughts. A sample: "Lord, what I really want today is admiration and praise. Those may not be worthy goals, but I long for affirmation. Help me to accept my own vanity, my own weakness and need for reassurance." Immediately, I saw that acknowledging certain qualities in myself, speaking them aloud, could help me react to the strivings of others with more compassion. The tension between a time for reflection and solitude and a time for political and social involvement remains strong. I'm a feast or famine sort of person, one that tends to go off in one direction. The idea of starting work or a new project with a silent prayer, a simple raising of the hands to God -- that helps.
I struggled in week three, mostly with the idea that all the world is there all for me. It seemed intellectually dishonest and self-absorbed, and I could hardly get past those obstacles. Then I remembered the sharing someone did about the idea of God having tattoes of our names written all over. Although I am sick of tattoes in general, I love this idea of God with tattoes, with my name among them. This became my week three, and seems the only way that I can hold onto the week. I am better in week four, because I do have have my heroes.
The beauty of nature reminds us of the power and splendor of God and his kindness and care for each of us. This thought helps us to focus on the actions of God in our personal lives and understand what it means to reverence and glorify God. Week 3
I am happy to have had the ooportunity to concentrate, thank and appreciate all the blessings in my life.   I was not feeling very well this week fighting off a virus.

Thanking God did not come as easy as it should have. I did not have much left to give to others.  I still feel that I am not quite open to God's love. I still feel alone when I know I shouldn't. I still feel unappreciated when I know I shouldn't. I still feel lonely when I know I shouldn't. I am still trying my best and will continue with this retreat. I look forward to the day that God is enough for me to be thankful for. Week 3
My week number 3!!!! I loved the poem "by Rilke". I really would like to know God's plans for me.... I prepared myself for different things, not for the things I do now.....but, even when I do not understand...I continue my conversation with Jesus... step by step...in some ways, the door opens by itself....maybe someday I will have the big picture and I am going to know the entire plan He has prepared for me......
I'm in the third week of the retreat and I've been struck by the phrase that our God "is not outdone in generosity."  This is a great source of comfort and reveals the compassionate and giving nature of God.
 
In a time when the world needs peace and restoration, I am finding this even for myself. My hope is that I can resolve some of the inner turmoils that we all experience and draw closer to God in my daily living.  Even consciously realizing that "He is near" gives a new sense of hope and security to me each day.
 
May the grace of the Holy Spirit bring each one of us on this journey into a deep and lasting relationship with God.
Through part of Week Three of the Retreat I was praying to want to or be able to praise God.  It seemed like it was so strange in me that I felt like I, for no apparent reason, could just not praise God.  I did not know why I was going through this and I felt quite ashamed of this.  I talked to God in prayer (and had no problem with offering prayer in general for petitions etc.) but just had this block to praise as it seemed.  Then one day during the week I was sitting in Chapel when the sun was setting and shedding beautiful light across the chairs and floor of the Chapel.  It was beautiful!  In the midst of this in my mind I just started singing the part of the hymn "We praise you O Lord for all your works are wonderful.  We praise you O Lord, forever is your love."  Then it hit me:  I am praising God!!!!!!  God had answered my prayer to allow me to be able to praise Him.  This hymn in my head was something spontaneous that I had not contemplated but that just began.  Then God gave me the gift to be able to recognize that I was/am praising God!
This is week 3 for me in this retreat.  I am so grateful The Father has led me to discover this opportunity.  My tradition generally equates spiritual maturity with acts of obedience and service.  I have grown so much in just 3 weeks of reflecting upon the greatness of the Lord and the greatness of His love for me.  I am more at peace with the Lord because I am understanding in a very personal way that His love for me doesn’t wane when I fail Him and others.  I am starting to personally experience what I only thought in my head: that His love for me really is perfect because He is perfect.  I used to think the Father tired of me.  Now I am seeing He does not tire of me, like we do of others, because He is incapable of growing weary.
Beginning week 3 - I love this picture. To remind me to stop, and take time out to sit and talk with you, be with you. How symbolic the candle and wine- You God are the light of the world and the cup of salvation and all creation praises you. Thank you God for everything you have given me, especially for all those things that I forgot to thank you for or have taken for granted.

The two chairs - confession time,  why not. you know me already and still love me. I'm sorry for all the times I did not thank you for my life , my family. my children, job, and irritations in life.I'm sorry for doing my own thing not wanting to wait for your plan, trying to hurry up, going my own way. forgive me, God and change me to follow you patiently. teach me to pray, guide me in your way, and give me the strengh to endure.

I saw this in the church bulletin " each Christian needs a half an hour of prayer each day, except when we are busy; then we need an hour. -St Francis de Sales  Help me give you an hour, Jesus for you give yourself to me in the
Eucharist.and for this, I am truly thankful. p.s. Pour blessings on the priests!
I am on week 3 of the retreat.  I would love to say that it has been one, wonderful journey with no dark moments, but the truth of the matter is - there have been moments of incredible awe and love for God as well as moments when I beg God to please tell me why He created someone as obviously defective as myself.
 
I believe that God loves me, though.  I believe that there is more than I can understand.  I want to continue this journey with God, despite the incredible dark moments which threaten to overwhelm my heart and feelings.
 
Please, dear God, I know that You love me.  Help me to see You better, to follow Your lead, to be the person whom You want me to be.  I can't do it without you.

Week 3--

How can I let all of you on this same journey know how much the “Light” has been showed to me? It seems that everything that I see & hear & feel touches me so deeply, it can’t be described in words. Our wonderful God speaks to us in a language that each of us will understand. If you love nature, He shouts His love to you in its loveliness and power…if you love music, He sings a love song to you there…if you love people, He shows His love as they embrace you or laugh with you or cry with you or just listen to you…if you love to be alone, without noise or clutter, He speaks to you in silence. I list all these particular things, because that is how He shows me. Sometimes, though, I am tricked into thinking this is not true, that joy and suffering were not connected, and I never found a true peace. God helped me to forgive myself & others and let go of all that was blocking His beautiful Light from helping me to see this all so clearly. My prayer this morning is that you will be able to capture this peace & harmony, and that you, & all of us will really “let go and let God”. On the radio the other morning, the announcer shared that whenever He feels worried or troubled about something, he imagines our Lord cupping His hands around his face, looking at Him with such love, and telling Him, “Everything will be alright.” What a beautiful image!
-- June, Week 3

I am in week 3 and struggling. In my head I know that God loves me unconditionally but in my heart, I just can't seem to "get it". I think I am trying to see too big a picture and am being overwhelmed by the evil and greed that permeates our world. I pray that I can simplify my thoughts to being able to handle them. I live in the mountains of Montana and use the beauty around me for perspective. Maybe I will understand more as the week goes on.

I was moved by several Mass readings this week and they seem to fit into the retreat:
When Israel was a child I loved him,
out of Egypt I called my son.
Yet it was I who taught Ephraim to walk,
who took them in my arms;
I drew them with human cords,
with bands of love;
I fostered them like one
who raises an infant to his cheeks;
Yet, though I stooped to feed my child,
they did not know that I was their healer. Hos. 11:1-4

I find comfort in being reminded that we are like children to God. The reading makes it clear that despite our childlike understanding of salvation history and our ignorance of God's presence in our life, we a loved and cared for by Him. This thought gives me the peace needed of sit in a pair of chairs with Jesus, having a glass of wine with him, and looking out over a beautiful valley. Jesus, thank You for the grace to sit with You, to look over the expanse of Your creation, and be part of its peace. Truly, as paraphrased from Mathew 8:17- You take away my mental and emotional infirmities and bear my diseases so that I have peace.

Reading through the prayers makes me feel peaceful. Fine for your head to know that God loves you and has a plan for you, but when you are at a place in your life where you are not sure what direction that plan should take it is necessary to just remind yourself that there IS a plan and that if you watch daily that plan will be revealed to you.
I am definitely at a crossroad. All that I have been up to this time, teacher, wife, mother, friend has changed drastically because of my health. I need to watch and find out what God has me scheduled for next. I need to be of service somewhere. And, yes, to be served. I'm okay with that too. But I know that that isn't all there is. I need to reach out too. The days have been beautiful! We have had many happy family gatherings. Summer is a more relaxed, reflective time. I am confident God will speak to me of "What's next"
I took two weeks to do this week.  I had trouble getting into it.  But I realize now that the Lord was helping me to appreciate my ministry - music.  I lead a choir and the liturgy.  I always felt it wasn't much of a ministry, although I do feel right in it.  To give praise to the Lord , I am beginning to see that it is a very important ministry.  I also felt odd asking the Lord to help me, rather than my helping him.  But I sure appreciate his help. 
I am very grateful for his help, as a matter of fact.  I think that this is what I'm most grateful for this week, his help.  I am a very fearful person and talking with Jesus about what I fear and placing it in his hands hellps me to face my daily life with hope. 

I am coming to the close of week three; it has been an up and down week some stressing or distressing situations, but thank God each day I could lay in bed and reflect on something that was observed or felt that was of God.  I have been observing beauty which is easy do to this time of year,even though it rained most of the week. My drive to work helped me glimpse at the beauty of flowers and trees , though it is in the city I did search and find beauty.

I was able to reflect this week on a past experience when I was on a mountain in Maine and watching the sunset with my husband... it was so incredibly beautiful with colors that were so vibrant and glorious that I actually broke out in a quiet song on the drive down the mountain.  I sang "sing to the mountains, sing to the sea, lift your voices, lift your heart , this is the day the Lord has made  let all the world  rejoice". I never had that kind of spontaneous gratefulness to God for His unbelievable creation .

It was a gift to find that moment of reflection, it gave me a feeling of peace and hope that though my husband and I are often too busy with the daily grind and we have been struggling with closeness at this particular time in our lives; we both shared the presence of God in the beauty of that sunset on the mountain.  Even though my husband is not practicing the faith, He felt the presence of God in creation, which makes realize that God is waiting for us patiently and lovingly to find Him everywhere.


To pray that all that I ever am in life; and all that I ever do; and ever become in my life; that all this will be for the greater glory of God and all of God's revelations, is trully overwhelming me, and then I realize that I am a child full of wonder. 

As I start week three, I am again struck by the theme of the week: gratitude and a focus on the thought that all of creation is for me. Several years ago the thought occurred to me that perhaps I am the only one who is not yet saved, and everyone else is here to help me get there. When I think of things, events, and people from that perspective, everything becomes ‘acceptable,’ and takes on immense value. I pray this week to be observant, to ‘notice’ everything, and to give thanks always. 

I'm the end of week 3. I tried to reflect some connections with God in all things around me.  involved in many church activities over years, I hardly realized all things that I have was created and is creating by God for myself. For me God was thought to be the Mightiest in the sky, not to be the creator I easily can find and experience in everyday life and my neighbors. Perhaps my cultural background- grew under strong Confucian social system-caused this more easily. But most important is to find out that during the third week. and the 3rd week retreat helped me to discover the purpose of my life and myself as God's beloved human being. I will start the 4th week confidently. 
I am finishing my third week on this retreat.  It is really turning into a great blessing from God to participate, thanks to all who have made this possible.  I did alot of noticing this week, and found the introductory notes on week three to be very helpful.  I like this quote "God has an intense desire to help us achieve the end for which we were lovingly created by God.  So, by our thinking and watching this week we are coming to know God better."  I've been trying to do this, to slow down and notice God's creation, and to thank him.  I've begun working at a department store and have a task of folding the shirts to go on the tables.  Well, my mom never folded my clothes, she usually just threw them on the bed or on the floor.  It is such a simple thing, but the act of folding the clothes gives me a sense of how God is teaching me to care for myself, by teaching me to fold clothes at the store.  He loves us so much he wants us to ! be clean, and look nice, and to be cared for.  I would have liked my mom to have cared enough about me to have wanted to fold my clothes.  I guess I always wanted to feel cared for.  Now I know that I have someone who cares for me, beyond all understanding, and that is Jesus.  I feel blessed and almost underserving of such caring, but I can say "thank you", and follow him.  

I am starting my 3rd. week and feel so much joy in my heart to be able to experience the loving patience of God in my life. The loving presence of my 91 yr. old Dad whom I love. I thank God everyday for the great love He has for me and my family and friends. It hurts to hear people think different about God but sometimes I feel that if God takes my Dad, I will understand why they feel and think that way. I pray this retreat will help me accept God's Will no matter what. Years back I used to say "I will do God's will no matter what " with so much faith but now I find myself holding back from saying it for many reasons which keep me from experiencing joy in my heart. 

I was reflecting on things around me and how each was there for the purpose of bringing me closer to God.  When I looked in my purse one morning, money which I had there belonging to someone else was missing. I was immediately very angry and blamed my son who had admitted to taking money in the past but this time he said he hadn't taken it.  I left for work angry and later in the day my husband called to tell me that there had been another friend in our home and we were both aware that he had been accused of stealing in the past.

As a child I had been involved in sexual activities with others and I had a resentment towards my mother because I thought she should have known what was going on and  done something about it.  My attitude to my son was I won't let the same thing happen to him.  If he has a problem I will help him sort it out - except he didn't see any problem.  I though he would eventually confess or offer some explanation, instead he went on about his normal life and even went off and had his hair dyed blond (its naturally black) showing that he had other things of interest to him.

I tried to find God in this situation and eventually got the message. If my first thoughts had been about God's purpose for me things would have been different. (3)  I had not been aware of how God wanted me to praise him and grow in awe and love for him and to recognise that the rest of creation was also there for that purpose.  I was too busy trying to sort out right and wrong in others.  I saw how readily I looked for faults in other people and didn't see my own. I should have been trying to love and help these two people not wait for them to get into bother and then offer to rescue them.

It has brought me to a place of repentance but I still find it difficult to change.  As one of your prayers says "It would be easier if I was clear."


I am in the third week of this retreat, and have found God touching me at a very deep level. He has shown me areas of my past which he wants to heal, and then bring me into a greater awareness of the extent of his love. I have found a great deal of pain in my increasing self-awareness, especially in my close relationships, but also a surer grasp of the certainty of God's love for me. I call it facing my Deep Dark Pool, and then finding the inextinguishable light of Jesus at the bottom. Please pray for me as I work through this retreat, and particularly for a very dear friend who I know I have hurt deeply recently by my unthinking attitude. My thanks to this site for the opportunity to work through my relationship with God in this informal, non-threatening way. 
I just want to share a few thoughts with you today.  I am in week 3 and struggling every step of the way.  But I am truly humbled by this experience and both look forward and dread at the same time.  I was worried last night that I had not yet ready or thought anything about this week and then this AM I had an argument with my husband after the kids went to school.  I blamed him for every aspect of my life.  Then I came to work........logged on here..............saw the beautiful picture and realized I really needed week 3.  I feel so much better now and I even called him and asked him to take me to lunch.  I believe that it will take me longer than 34 weeks but for once I am trying to not "control" but to let God's love set the pace. We all need stuff along the way in life....................and this retreat seems to  fit me right now.  I hope that at the end of my journey here that I will have learned something.   I wish all of you who are on this journey or even just thinking about it all of God's blessings! 
I started this on-line retreat just three weeks ago.  I am a cradle Catholic and although I have always had "faith" and been involved in many church activities, I went through a long difficult period of my life believing that God and the Church had abandoned me.  A major crossroad for me came about a year ago when I attended a retreat whose theme was "Rediscovering the Depth of the Father's Love for Us".   I knew then that the Jubilee Year was the time for me to make things right with God.  In the fall I accepted an invitation to make a Cursillo Weekend and experienced the most wonderful spiritual awakening of my entire life.  God gave me the strength I needed to accept his love and forgiveness and to rekindle my relationship with him.  Then I came across this on-line retreat quite by accident, but knew I was meant to find it!  While reading the sharing this week, I realized that throughout my life I tried many wrong ways to "scratch acceptance from the walls" until I finally realized that God loves me just as I am, with all my faults.  I am most grateful for this precious gift and have placed my trust in God and will continue to enjoy his gifts and unconditional love along this journey.  I have received so much peace of mind and will be forever thankful for the strength and courage given to me which allowed me to overcome my fears and take that "leap of faith" which I so desperately needed.  Thank you God, for your constant love and attention.  
I am in the third week of this retreat and I feel a bit relieved to be here.  The reflection of the first two weeks had me looking at parts of my life I had long since forgotten and sort of wished I had never seen. I especially hoped God had never seen,  but I know better.  Now at 47 and as a recent "empty-nester" I feel the urgent need to really find my 'calling' in God's plan. I have been trying many types of meditative prayer and hope that this will be the breakthrough I need. I know that this is a marathon not a sprint and I must let God work on me in my busy life. I do feel frustration at times and a need to hurry up and 'do it' but maybe looking at the big picture this week will help me get that perspective I need. 
I'm beginning week three today.  It's taken me 4 weeks to get here.  Doing my picture album in one week was just too much for me, so I gave myself permission to take as long as I needed.   Reviewing my life story has revealed many things.  I'm grateful for that.  Thank you for your prayers, support and especially your honest sharing about your retreat experience. Warmly, Pam 
I am in week 3 of the retreat.  The past few days I have been fortunate enough to leave my desk and get back into "the field" - the DeSoto National Forest located in southern Mississippi - to do some survey work.  The particular area I am working in is truly gorgeous and awe-inspiring - a majestic longleaf pine forest replanted by the Civilian Conservation Corps in the 1930s on what was a barren wasteland....

No roads, no trails, just woods.  I press my shovel into the ground and scoop the soil into the wooden-framed mesh screen.  The soil is cold and damp - almost makes my hand hurt - and smells of sweet sassafras root.  All of this just for me -- God is so grand and more than worthy of anything I could ever give him.

I screen the soil and find the stem of an ancient spear point and a prehistoric pottery sherd (that's my job as an archaeologist).  A few feet away, an old Coke bottle from the 1920s lies half buried in the ground.  As isolated as it may appear, many people were here, many times before me.  What did this place look like to them??  Did they feel the same way??  Lord, thank you for showing me the big picture.


On a very bad day, one during which I realized that my 26-year-long career as a lawyer was over [with my present employer, anyway]; and finding no immediate employment prospects for a 51-year-old female lawyer, I happened upon the web address for the retreat. I've struggled my entire life with discerning what it is that God is saying to me. At that moment, I knew that I was directed to enter on the retreat journey.

I am on Week 3. I have noticed that I am more open to what I perceive to be God's "messages", direction, or whatever it is that He uses to guide me. The best result of that openness occurred last week, when my mother, who is dying of cancer, said to me [mind you, as she was baking bread and making stew for my Dad's supper] that her illness and that of my father [who is also slowly dying] have taught my Mom to live in the day; to appreciate what each day sends; and to let God's goodness chart our course for each day. This is a woman of great faith. That faith has given Mom a peace that I hope will be mine one day.

I knew that God spoke to me through my Mom; and I wondered whether I would have understood or attended to God's message had I not entered into this retreat experience wholeheartedly. My hope is that each of us retreatants experiences the hope and joy ~ and peace ~ that my Mom has practiced as naturally as she breathes. They are part of her. That condition of total acceptance of God's grace and love, and total faith and unwavering hope in Him, are what I need and yearn to achieve.

Thanks for this opportunity to share. I enjoy greatly the other message which are posted. They are all inspiring and fruitful. I'll be back!

Have just begun week three, after visiting this site periodically for over a year.  The time seems right for this retreat now....   We became "empty nesters" this last month, and I have found lots more time to give to more serious reflection on my relationship with God.  During the last three weeks, the retreat has helped me realize that I can see God in others and anything, if I take a moment to look.  And when I do that, it naturally leads me to quietly praise and thank God...something I've been remise in doing much of the last 20 years or so.

So, I want to say thank you very much to those who have created this retreat, and all of you who are on your own spiritual journey here.  To those of you who have asked for  prayers in your Sharing, you certainly have mine, and I ask for yours.  I look forward to the rest of the retreat, and pray that I will more readily see God in others as I grow in my relationship with Jesus.  May God bless all of you!


The guide for this, the third week, says that it's all about perspective, to not let anything get too big. 
First day and there is a giant thing that -- as it always does-- has taken away every ounce of trust and sereniity.  It's a giant fear, terror, that I'm going to be found out as bad, that what I'm doing is not good at all, that I will fail and everyone will know it.  This is a great insight, particularly since this is a lifelong problem--and I'm  55.  The pain is as bad or maybe even worse than ever.  It wipes out every other awareness.  I wouldn't recognize a compliment if it came my way.  I'm expecting the worst.  The constant thought that erupts within off and on all day is: it's hopeless.  Of course, I know it isn't hopeless.  I know that feelings are not facts, particularly where God is concerned.  I know this feeling is not rational, but it still is overwhelmingly paihful.  This must be the nugget of gold that God want me to focus on, an area He wants to heal. There's nothing to do but trust and walk through it.  I do hope I learn the lesson this time.  I want someone to take over my life for me, to take away the pain, to make all the hard things easy, to make something good happen.  That will be the Lord.  
For the 3rd week of the retreat I've taken the words of St. Ignatius and placed them on my computer screen at work.  This way I can reflect on these words.  It really helps, especially when I've had a hard day at work.  Even the bad times are put before us so we can achieve the purpose of praising God.       Donna W. 

This is the  beginning of my third week.  The 2nd wk of recollection has helped me realize the selfish nature of my past.  In particular, I remember years ago when I was in college, the Forbes Magazine cover depicted a man standing on top of the world.  The caption read something like, "The richest man in the world".  I used to look at that picture everyday and say, "That's me!"  That was my goal.  How foolish, narrow minded, and Selfish I was!

Now this past week, many years later, I see the flaws in my own desires.  They served no purpose of His kingdom whatsoever.  I thank you Lord for holding me close to you through it all.  We are all truely selfish and desire to serve our own purposes.  Help us all Lord to see your glory and to desire to have your love fill us, thereby helping us to achieve the way of perfection.

This revelation helped me to realize one thing:  I don't want to be on top of the world, standing over everyone else.  Instead, I want to be Under the world supporting it on my shoulders; serving it on my knees; and helping others to see how much disorder we create in the world by being selfish.  I understand much better now, when Jesus said we must deny ourself, we must die to ourself, and only live to love and serve others.  I know many people may find this strange, what I am saying, but I pray that God may reveal His Love to all.

Glory be to the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, as it was in the beginning, is now, and will be forever.  Amen.

This retreat runs as a quiet theme as I go about my all too busy and  obstacle ridden life (at the moment)  Thank you!  There is absolutely nothing I can do except trust and put my life into God's hands as events  over run me in week 3. 
Just began week three.  Sitting here looking at the photo and transposing it to all the things the Lord has given me. Everything I have; a wife, kids, a home, income, reasonable health at 65, a car, ability to travel a little, gratitude, etc., is a Gift from God that I hardly deserve.

All I did was what I was told to do when I went to AA 25 years ago.  Put the plug in the jug, make meeting and don't drink.  What I learned was to live my life one day at a time and put my trust in a Higher Power.  I have chosen Jesus as my Higher Power and I have yet to be disappointed.  Although I have had many ups and downs, disappointments and victories, everything so far has worked out to my benefit.

When I began to redraw the picture of our world for this week of retreat (3), I found that it is hard to say anything original as the picture has remained maddeningly the same .There still exists war, conflict, abuse, evildoers, violence, inhumanity, injustice greed and lust for power.

Thank you Lord for showing me the Light in Darkness , for Your selfless gift, for Your Willing to save us through Your only Begotten Son "JESUS" who was nailed on the Cross for our salvation. It leads me to hear Jesus saying to me when I look up to the Holes of His Hands, Feet and Side : "you are the one another for whom I was crucified ."
Thank You Lord, for showing me that without this Cross I cannot see the one another, but only myself. I pray that I may grow in the Love and Wisdom and to live in conformity to Your Will 

As I ended week 3, I felt a bit like St. Francis, being in tune with nature and knowing the maestro of it all. I noticed in detail the colours of bluejays, cardinals, doves and sparrows. All the shades, and these fellows were showing off their God given plummage. The Lord gave me a treat. I stood close to a bluejay, who stared at me as he waded in a tiny puddle of water and bathed. This was amazing as I've tried many times on my own to get close to him.  If I just let go and let God everything happens smoothly. I wonder why I make things hard for myself by trying too hard. This past week, the Lord keeps telling me to "be". I tend to "do". Being fills me with peace and I enjoy the day no matter what happens. I am writing down many painful memories from the past as I move on in this retreat and they no longer scare me.  I no longer feel guilty writing about my abused childhood.  It's uncomfortable but that will pass. God is gracious. This is an area that God wants me to embrace.  Here  I go and I'm not alone. Yeah!!    You may use my name. Irene. I have a long way to go, but God's not in a hurry.

I was ready to start Week 3, when I read Why Start on September 16.  Now, I am going to slow down a little and restart on September 16.  First, I have found it a little hard to review 72 years in such a short time.  Second,  I think it will be better if all is in harmony - the retreat, the church calendar and the Liturgy of the Hours.

Thank you so very much for all that you are doing for all of us in this retreat.  Like many others, I have never had a chance to make an extended retreat and I intend to make the most of this opportunity.  Pax et bonum.

This morning I went out to get the newspaper a little before dawn.  The constellation Orion was still blazing in the sky, his arms raised in joy as he danced.  I thought, Orion must be permanently in the third week of his retreat, where he has discovered that the purpose of his existence is to know, love and serve God!  I am so happy.  This retreat brings serenity to my life in a time of turmoil, albeit joyful turmoil:  my younger son is getting married October 7th, and we love his bride-to-be very much already. You may use my name.  I am Anne Cuddeback 
It is the 3rd week of this retreat ,but it's actually taking almost 6 weeks to accomplish. I love the Prayers to begin the day, as I read them out loud in my office with the doors closed, I'm reminded of how important it is to consult the Almightly before proceeding with the busines of the day, after all ...he is the big cheese around here. It's like having a weekly staff meeting with the boss. Even with the constant reminder surrounding me as a full time youth minister, I forget this very important thought, I can hardly imagen what it was like when I worked in non-church setting. As I look around me  and see all the blessings I have received....I am in awe of him more and more. It's a cool thing to experience and I only pray that I may help those around me to  share in this experience as well. 
I am in my third week of the exercises, and was very touched by the photo album this morning.  I have copied these for my own use - to put all over my house as reminders of scripture passages and their meanings in my life - and have also emailed several of them to my son - who has suffered for over 30 years with medical problems.  I felt these passages and the pictures would help him in his suffering - to be able to relate to others in similar situations and also know that God is always with him.  Now I will go on to the other parts of this week's exercises.  But wanted to share how inspired I was by this album. 
The picture of the village (3) brings tears to my eyes, only when I imagine the lives of the people there.  I started asking myself if I could imagine pictures of scenes around the world, where I had looked but not shed a tear.  With each scene, I tried to imagine the suffering of the people, and I could feel the sadness and outrage within me.  Then I sat with the horrifying image of the two university students, who tied another student to a fence post, and tortured and killed him, simply because he was gay. 

Oh, Lord, how do you feel?  Oh, how you must weep!  Oh, how your people abuse each other!  Oh, thank you for the image of the cross - your response!  When I ask, "how much do you love us?" your response, "this much," is even more powerful for me!  Thank you!

As I start week 3 after a bit of a layoff as I completed week 1 & 2 during lent. The theme of  being open to let God into our lives struck me . I have been blessed with the material comforts of life, and have no worries in this area . However during the past five years I have felt that I need something more meaningful in my life . To date however I have been unable to find the right direction to move towards a more meaningful life. I have asked God for help in this area , with little success. What I believe is my problem , is my inability to be open to let God direct my life. He is no doubt giving me guidance , but I have not received his guidance due to my lack of openess to him.  God grant me the openess to be capable of  receiving the graces that I need to chart the direction that you have planned for me. May all people in the same situation as me strive to create that openess to hear God's plan for us.  
The photos, particularly the photo of those chairs (3), has sustained the background for me.  The "Getting Started" page helps me make this a real retreat.  I want to share that it is changing my day and my week.  It is getting easier to plug back into the reflection about the purpose of creation, and my purpose, by briefly returning to sit on one of those chairs.  At times, things get chaotic in my life, and from the perspective of this overview of my purpose, it all seem to make so much sense.  I think I'm understanding more what "finding God in all things" really means.

I am almost ready to conclude three weeks of my retreat.  And I feel like I have not even begun. I am in a rather isolated position so I can't find anyone else to share with.  I am grateful for this web site and hope that nothing changes to erase it from my being able to get in touch.   I want all that God can give me thru this site.  I have added Week Four photo to my desktop and also the photo from week three to help keep me centered on Week Three exercises.    I did have the picture of the mother and baby on the desk top, but removed it tonight, since Alexander was born yesterday, November 20.  7 lbs,   12 oz.  My granddaughter had a very easy birth.  So easy in fact that noone was prepared and the baby was birthed in the bed.  Brett, the father almost collapsed afterward, since he did not get to do the usual things in preparation of the birth.  Afterall this is the third child, and first boy.  There is something about this birth that is a center point in my retreat, I do believe.  But understanding it all has not become part of me.  While in my own everyday life I get very discouraged at all that I have to do to care for my husband.  But I believe I am worrying too much and am not really seeing what God is really doing for me.  Tonight is the first time that I have reviewed the notes that accompany the Online Retreat Guide - Week 3. I will return to the Week 1 and Week 2 to sort of establish myself more with St. Ignatius.  Jesus will show me the way. I feel tears coming, so guess it is time for me to retire.  The time is 12:00 midnight and another day is forming. In the Love of Jesus. 

I just finished Week Three, and it wasn't an easy week:  I skipped three days, felt guilty, forced myself to do four of the days anyway, and seemed as though I was fighting the process the whole time.  Very different from the first two weeks that brought me a lot of peace and acceptance -- things I lack, often.  I suspect God is letting me slog through some desolation to see if I really am going to stick with Her, or go off and be my usual over-energized, under-sensitive self.  The sharings from the 51-year-old female attorney and from the woman who is wondering if a relationship she treasures is really from God or is actually an obstacle struck me hard.  I am wondering what on earth God is planning for me, likewise a middle-aged female attorney, who is "stuck in a moment, and I can't get out of it," as the U-2 song says.  Do I challenge the relationship to be the kind of friendship I had envisioned and that I was sure God had given to me just for that purpose; or let it go?  All week I seemed to fight the idea of trying to find "purpose" because I am just trying to BE without asking "why?" all the time. I could use a little more heart and a lot less brain -- shades of the Wizard of Oz!   I loved, too, the story from the man who used to wear his alcoholic dad's plaid shirt.  Perhaps what I need more than anything right now is that kind of symbol to lead me deeper into this restlessness and dissatisfaction that are plaguing me, to give a sense of coherence to my reflection.  The best news is that we're all incredible sinners, but God loves us just the way we are.  What a wild, profligate God!  You are in my prayers; please keep me in yours. 

Week 4
Ignatius told us what we need to do to be in balance - indifferent - I saw this in a new way this week as I began to understand that I am not totally indifferent. I desire the grace to freely say from the depth of my being, "take Lord, all I am". I want to be able to say that it does not matter health or sickness, riches or poverty, honor or dishonor. I desire only what God desires for me. Lord, my God, help make real this desire in me.
I started this week a little resistant to this exercise. Maybe part of this was wanting too much to hold onto the fruit of last week and another just plain resistance to noticing myself. At any rate, it took me longer to get in. Do I know my saints well enough? Do I confuse people I admire for their skills or because they’ve helped me more than I notice their freedom?

What helped me was thinking about a conversation Liz and I had this summer with our good friends M and B. Both are tireless workers for social justice and M works as an advocate for the handicapped. M spends quite a bit of time herself looking after her sister who is quite severely handicapped and lives in a group home. Her brother had gotten into trouble some years ago and had been in prison. Anyway, as we were catching up as friends do on a wonderful summer evening, we found out that her brother had gotten into trouble again and had his parole revoked. M makes weekly or more frequent visits 60 miles away where he is incarcerated. My first thought was … this is incredibly unfair. How can someone who is so tireless at helping others and reaching out unselfishly have another burden imposed on them? Maybe I said something like that openly. M replied that in her work she encountered many parents of severely handicapped children and she observed they were normal people who just got on with it. “That’s what you have to do … just face it and do what you have to do”. I thought at the time that this was a special witness of faith and courage even though it was said almost as a matter of fact.

The when I think of the saints I admire and I feel have touched me in some way (e.g. St Ignatius, St Vincent de Paul, St Francis, St Francis de Sales) I see a common pattern that they are all well organized at facing life and in some way getting on with it. When I also think of people who have influenced me and represent for me people who praise, revere and serve I see this as a theme. They use whatever is in front of them and wholeheartedly approach the situation. Some of these people are extremely courageous but others are simple exponents of being able to accept that God works through them although they may never quite articulate it like that.

So I thank God for wherever He is leading me in this week’s meditation. I see again the burning social justice themes which have motivated me at various times in my life. But most of all I see that God calls me to see Him in whatever situation I am in and use whatever gifts he has given me for that situation. This is something I am still discerning.

Week 4 - This has been an enjoyable week of reflection. Listing the people that have inspired me in my lifetime has been a pleasure. There were about 8 people that came to mind for me, however, I'm only sharing on a few today.
The person I most admire is the Blessed Mother. Having been raised in the parish, Our Lady of Fatima, my life and education was molded in her way of life. Devoted to her as a child, I strayed away as a young woman from the beautiful qualities she offered me. Fortunately in 1999, the Lord called me to rekindle my love by honoring His mother. By the grace of God, my love for Mary grows more everyday. The quality that I most admire is her complete centerness on God's will in her life. When asked by God to be the mother of Jesus, her answer was an immediate yes. Mary thought nothing of herself. Her humility as a lowly servant of God was her source of happiness...a simple life centered on God. Mary not only knew the purpose of her life, she lived it in total serenity.
Secondly, I especially admire my own dear mother for her love, tenacity and perseverence. After years away from the church, she was in a near death situation when she made a promise to God to return to Him and the church if He'd allow her to raise her five children. Despite many obstacles (one of which was that my father left us because of this decision), she kept her promise to God. My mother raised five children almost single handedly during the 1950's and 60's. Her trust in God's faithfulness was inspirational to me. I am a Catholic Christian today because of my mother. I find my happiness in God because of her decision for us to know, love and serve Him.
St. Padre Pio is another person I admire. He was a living saint, who I wrote to in 1967 and who interceeded to God for me. He died in 1968. I admire his humble obedience to God's will inspite of the persecution and rejection he was subjected to because of the stigmata he bore for 50 years.
Having studied his life, I especially admire his frank honesty with those who came to him for spiritual guidance or confession. He could read people's hearts and told it like it was, especially when peoples intentions were insincere.
The last people I want to share with you, who I admire so much, are friends on mine, Sharon and Camille. They are truly women of God. I admire Sharon for initiating and organizing (many years ago) the first faith sharing group in our parish. I am grateful to Camille for inviting me to join them. They were the first friends that openly expressed and demonstrated their love and committment to Our Lord. They were instrumental in bringing God's Word alive to the women of our parish.
All the people that I admire have one thing in common, their lives are centered on and in Christ. They desire to know, love and serve God and it is evidenced in their peace, love and joy. I am so-o-o grateful to God for allowing us to walk our faith journeys together.

Last week was difficult as I came to terms with the disharmony I allow in my life. As I begin week 5, I brace myself for what I anticipate to be a difficult week and instead, I am flooded with images of God’s mercy. His mercy shines in all our Catholic Faith traditions; through all of the sacraments. I received a strong image of Jesus being transparent so that God can only see my sin through Jesus’ love. I am incredibly grateful to have received this gift. I pray for all of us on this online journey, that God will continue drawing us closer to His love and His plan for our lives.
I have spent much time praying for good health, an increase of faith, for my children to return to Jesus, for my friends to return to good health. 'Indifference' is new to me and I am unsure how to let go of some prayers and concentrate on praying for the gift of 'indifference'. Will this come as I keep centered on letting go?
During this 4th week of the excercises I decided to see Mel Gibson´s film of the Passion, I had been reluctant to see it before. It was really helpful to focus on evil and Redemption.
Week 4: What a week.The birth of my first grandchild, my son in the Air Force finally home( within 2 hrs drive time) and I was the lector this Sunday. Then I met Bert who was ordained as a Deacon. A model provided to me for this week. He even quoted Ignatius during his sermon.
He was an inspiration to me and most of the assembly.

I had the opportunity to be better. Thank you for my free will.

I had a chance to touch 2 people today, just in a daily walk. I could feel the power in just being a godly instrument. What power....

I am exhausted now and will pray comfortably tonight.

Week 4: When  I thought of someone  who had been my model, memory came back.  I used to be a very quiet child when I was small.  One day, someone  asked me if I would like to have a pen-friend and I said yes.  I started to write and shared a lot of my life with her.  It was a great help for me because I could express myself and there was someone listening to me.  At home, I had nobody to talk to.

When  I look back now, I believe it's God's grace to have this person to accompany me at that particular period.  Glory be to the Lord!
Week Four: The people that inspire me most are those who are the most humble. These people are those who are kind to others without expecting anything in return. These are the people who do not look for great fan fare.  These are the people who give of themselves and their generousity unconditionally.  These are the true deciples of God who do such nice acts of kindness on a daily basis freely and spontaneously.
My major attachments seem pretty predictable and mundane.  But I was struck by something this evening.  My oldest son was showing me the chairs he set up in the "tree fort" and I suddenly realized how I've left the kids out of our planning for a possible move.

I realized, "He may not have a tree fort if we move."  In fact, it's likely that he won't.

I guess I discovered that I'm pretty attached to "getting my way" with this move based on a desire to return to graduate studies.  I'm not planning on dropping that idea, but it does have me thinking about how much I take the rest of the family into consideration.

WWID (what would ignatius do)? Week 4
My first Sharing and 1st Jesuit retreat, and just entering the 4th Week. I had this prior experience/impression of being in a spiritual desert, and was putting one foot in front of the other during this retreat: the old Merrill's Marauders line. It's been two years since last cancer treatment and the words in the reflections and prayers of this 4th Week feel like they fit well.
I have now finished my fourth week of the Retreat.  It was a nice week as I focused on those who are/have been inspirations to me.  Each of the persons on my list really do have a certain 'freedom'.  It was equally nice to be able to focus on the fact that it IS possible to have this 'freedom'.  This freedom is probably what I admired in them all along but do not think that I ever termed it as 'freedom'.  In those on my list whom I have personally known, I have witnessed the kindness, care, and concern that these people have exhibited to myself and others and I truly admire that.  They are/were willing to go beyond themselves to be there for others.  They do/did not worry about what others will think of them and are/were generous beyond what is expected of them.  They have truly been the face of Christ on earth for me as they model the way of Christ.  I also know that I have a ways to go because there are still parts of my symphony that are out of balance that prevent me from operating in this mode of 'freedom'.  But these people have inspired me to follow their example.  I know that I have been blessed by having these beautiful people in my life.
As I read the reflections and prayed this week for freedom and indifference, I realize the question isn't 'how much or what am I willing to give up'; but rather, 'How much or what am I willing to receive'.  The dance of surrendering to receiving is at the core of this week's prayer.  It seems harder and takes more freedom to receive the gifts than to give up something.
There was a beautiful red sunrise the other morning. The awesome splendor of the Lord was present in the stillness of the morning. I was thanking God for His blessings, for His harmony with man and nature but also praying for those who do not or cannot experience His majestic beauty. I praise you Lord Jesus and offer prayers for all those taking this retreat. Thank you.
Just beginning week 4 of the retreat, and I'm struggling with a mistake I made last week which is causing me great shame. My marriage has been in turmoil and approaching separation since July (after 10 years of marriage), and I'm thankful that God led me to this retreat and other resources that have truly helped me to grow spiritually in the face of all of that. I've felt that no matter what was thrown at me, I've been able to face it with God's help and have been growing as a person and a child of God during these past months of hardship...

 I've been praying sincerely that God would take a hand in our attempts at reconcilliation and I've resisted several "close calls" at separation, so maybe this is God's way of forcing the issue and maybe that's what needs to happen for His divine plan to come to fruition, but still I'm sick at heart with guilt at having done something so stupid that has ended up hurting the person that I love dearly, whether or not that hurt is rational or irrational. This week's exercise struck me in that my greatest desire has been for the love of my husband to be restored to me. Perhaps this is the thing I need to learn to be indifferent to. One of the readings also emphasizes God's loving forgivenes! s, and so much of the past few weeks' exercises have been about liftin g our lives up to God, even the parts we're ashamed of, and I'm trying to do that now. I'm just so sad.
Week 4. I deserve nothing but the love of God. This is my pearl of great value. This is the focus of this week. Lord, give me the grace of detachment so that I can keep or release all my worldly gifts and curses. Allow me to focus on the pearl of great value, Your love.
Week 4 The phrase that keeps haunting me from this week's  reflections is "desiring 'I know not what'". It sooo fits where I am at this point in my life. Good to be reminded that that "desiring" is a desire for Godness and what God's plan is for me. And that I can stay alert and watchful for where everyday events take me and make sure I make them an opportunity to be at one with Him.
 
Another phrase that keeps coming back to me is "free to face my unfreedoms". That one is going to take more than a little thought. I know it fits, but where????? is it just an acceptance of the realities in which I find myself surrounded?? Is it an acceptance of my inability to do the same things I have been accustomed to doing??? Is it a call to BE free from...??? what I "think" holds me back from...??? an urgency to DO things...???
I am at the end of week four, and I feel that I must spend more time here by adding another few days or a week.  I feel that I did not do justice to the theme this week, by not focusing the way it deserves...... ... The freedom that  I am imagining is a freedom that is such that most people have to take a life time to get right...and others seem to get early on.  I believe  freedom does involve developing a profound relationship with God, in that everything in life is now viewed as part of God's creation and the desire to please and thank God is greater than my will. I am a long way from total freedom, but I have seen it in the dedication of those who care for the sick, work with the poor, and in those that recognize Christ in others.  I still cling to things that are secure at times, and am not willing to let go of certain things in my life that would give me freedom to live a life that is more loving, more open and one that is in communion with the will of God.  
I need to seek balance in my life, for at times I feel that I am not in harmony , my prayer has been for a while to seek to change.  To become more loving , more open and more able to be what  God wants , but I still resist out of fear and insecurity ...What if He wants me to give up my selfish ways...it is easy to talk the talk ,but  please Lord allow me to live my live in harmony and balance particularly in those areas that need healing and allow me to reach out to others in relationship,  to be a reflection of God's great and glorious vision of what love is. 
Those people who I reflected on had courage, compassion, love, and the desire for justice, they had a resignation that life here is not what it is all about and a desire to share  their love of God with others; all of the people I thought about have a wonderful self giving and surrender to God's will ,some in the face of trials.

The past two weeks of the retreat (4 & 5) have been difficult. Four wasn't so bad, except I couldn't think of anyone close to me that was really free. I came up with a few people, including a Blessed and a saint, and some people I admire at a distance. So that made it difficult, because I felt like no one I know well is free.

In some ways, week 5 was hard and easy for me. Easy because with my Protestant evangelical background, I was taught very well that everyone sinned, to see the effects of sin. So it's not hard for me to look at the world, think of events, and see the link with sin. But I noticed I tend to think of it at arms-length. And I'm not sure I ever really connected the second part of Christ's mercy.


The first day of week 4, and wouldn’t you know, the gospel is the story of the rich man who asked what he needed to do to enter the kingdom. I am that rich man (not financially, but otherwise). The Lord has been so good to me, has ‘spoiled me rotten,’ or so it feels. I enjoy my comforts: my sleep, my favorite foods, my lies (to myself and to others), my, my, my. I am so afraid right now that I will have to reveal myself, the REAL me. Who could possible accept that person that I have become? How do I give up things I have clung to for so long? Thank God that Lent is upon us this week. I need to fast, to let go of ‘me’ for a while. Thank God also for having put people in my life with whom I can share my struggles, my questions, my faults, and maybe even my strengths.  Lord, I know you are with me but I feel so alone right now. I cannot do this without You. Have mercy on me and give me the strength and courage to do what I must do. How long, I ask myself, can I spend time in prayer, fasting, and acts of piety before I really change my life? My weakness overwhelms me. I know I’m now rambling, but I feel so lost. Show me the way. 

Each week I make numerious discoveries about myself and God's love for me.  This week I reflected on the times when my life was not in balance and in harmony.  I reflected on how distant it made me feel in relationship to myself and others but most especially in my relationship with God.  I also reflected on the times when my life was in harmony or balanced.  Recalling what it felt like.  That when I was in harmony and balance, it also created balance in the lives and relationships of those around me. I realized in those times when I was not in harmony, it was when I was not with God.   My heart and head was focused on the worlds desire rather then God's desires. 

Once again, thank you for the Online Retreat.  I did the Retreat two years ago, and it blessed my life.  This Fall, I decided to do it again. 

This week, (Week 4) I am struck by what I've experienced.  Having made the lists of individuals who inspire me, those I've not met or known personally, and those I do know personally.  I see an obvious 'more-than coincidence', and I wanted to share it with you.  Of the list of persons I know personally who inspire me, most are individuals I met twenty-plus years ago, when a young priest newly assigned to an inner-city parish began teaching scripture with such enthusiasm and love, many from all over the city were drawn to his little parish, where he held Bible studies. This young priest was on fire for the Lord Jesus Christ, and in-love with God's inspired words in the scriptures.  God had given him an inspired vision as an evangelist.  Soon our Bishop gave permission for the young priest to do full-time evangelization. 

Those were exciting years.  Watching the leading of the Holy Spirit.  Observing the blessings of the work the young priest was doing, seeing it develop into miltiple ministries, far reaching . . . radio, TV, telephone  prayer lines, a Bible College, a Bible Institute, a Pregnancy Center in the inner city for poor families, praying with the women and the babies, counseling and ministering to their needs; a new order of Priests and Brothers, (Fathers and Brothers of Pentecost.)  Monday, this week, I made my list of individuals who have inspired me.  The young priest's name was on my list (he is now 56-y.o.), and most of the others were names of co-workers I've met through him, over the years of his ministry. 

Monday evening, the young priest went to be with Jesus, after a long
battle with liver cancer. As we grieve our loss, and prepare for his funeral at our Cathedral this week, I was struck by the magnitude of the love of Christ shining through this dedicated, holy, faithful servant, who touched our lives so profoundly, and who was still teaching Jesus, right up to the very end. Even when he was too weak to get out of bed, the Bisop gave permission for the Eucharist to be with him in his room, and daily Mass said there by another priest . . . but our dear young priest gave the homily at each Mass until two days before he went to be with Jesus, refusing any pain medication right up to the last two days.  The power of Faith! The power of the tiny mustard seed!  The influence of godly individuals in our lives!  Very inspiring, and very powerful! Thank you Jesus!

The young priest is Fr. Al Lauer, a diocesan priest; Pastor, Old St. Mary's Church, downtown Cincinnati, O.   Founder of Presentation Ministries.  We feel we have met and known, and been inspired by a modern-day prophet and true saint.

Helder Camera, Dorothy Day, Rosa Parks, Dan Berrigan, Rutillo Grande, Jeff Deitrich, Bill O'Donnell, Toni Flynn, M L King, Ruth, Anita Caspery and her L.A. Immaculate Sisters, my parents...My list is long, these are only some of the names on it!   What in them speaks so loudly to me? Their courage to speak out for God's little ones, to "speak truth to power", their love of justice, of non-violence, their freedom...their willingness to put their very lives on the line for their beliefs...Then there is Maria Vargas, a brand new citizen who understands the plight of her people so well and nudges me to greater compassion in my everyday work in the food pantry...This was a hard week as we watched our country slip closer to war despite all the efforts of great people and groups...This morning's prayer put everything in perspective for me (for today at least): "Help us to grow in understanding our freedom, so that we may discern wisely and respect the gift of freedom in all our sisters and brothers.  Grant this through the intercession of all who have died that others may be free. Amen."  Thank you for all the sharings and especially for the weekly "director's" e-mail - your words are very encouraging and supportive. 
I'm the last day of week 4.  At first, I  thought St. Francis of Assisi was the model of freedom for me. I revere St. Francis especilly because of his real and spiritual poverty . I realized I can't give up over- caring about  my son  and my work. sometimes I think myself  whether to be workolic in both my church activity and job or not. Going through week 4, I 'm so happy to see my unfreedoms. Then  the photo reminds me of another model  for me. It's Fr. Stephen Shin O.F.M, South Korean, who builds the rehabilitant center for leper in China and lives  with many old lepers abandoned by their family and community. Whenever I read his writings, I envy him  courage ,dedication and love. Someday I'd like to stay with lepers and help them temporarily for one or two months.  I 'm so afraid of getting along with them. But like In Philippians 4,13 "Christ gives me the strengh to face anything" , I believe Christ will also give me the strength to face anything. This retreat helps me discover myself and God in my everyday life. now I'm so happy. Thank you for this wonderful retreat. 
I took the Ignatian Exercises with a nun from Sept. 1991 to May 1992 on a weekly basis in depth.  When I saw this opportunity (and considering I have a very busy schedule), I decided I would do it as simply as possible.  It will be in God's hands.

I am starting my 4th week .  The 1st week, I was sick over something I ate.........so I really had time to think about my early life (there was a lot of illness in it)........and to recall the gifts God gave me----patience, endurance, recovery (full recovery from polio).

The 2nd week I really didn't want to continue the backward look (I'd been there, done that through therapy, shock treatment, etc.)  Again the gifts of God brought me through.  That week I was able to recall things about my father that carried guilt; but  I was able to look at them realistically, let go of the guilt and LAUGH.

The 3rd week I was looking forward to; and I printed the large picture, and of course, used it as my wallpaper on the computer.  I loved the vastness of the scene but right up front was an all-too-realistic reminder of my alcoholism.  I wanted to write and complain about the bottle and the 1/2 full glasses being part of our focus this week.  It really took me back.......................but the focus this week was on perspective. Although I've had a lot of recovery time, I must never forget the illness' cunning, baffling ways of calling one back.  I again recalled the gifts of God and the good life God has given me.  This week was a busy, tiring run-around-week.  I didn't give the lesson that much time, but always in the forefront of my mind was the 'scene' and the reality of my precious gifts and God's never-ending love.

Thank you for this wonderful opportunity. 

I am on the fourth week of the retreat. I go through a lot of ups and downs and am grateful for the texts to keep me at it. Yesterday I wrote in my journal that I could not understand what it means that the purpose of our lives is to praise God. This morning I began to understand a little what it means to see the world through God's PERSPECTIVE, the whole history of creation and redemption and me being an important part of all that - as far as God is concerned. And seeing things like that I realised one bursts into praise if that vision of things is clear enough. So I understood a bit more the PURPOSE of our lives and realised too that I allow myself to get very bogged down with the task of surviving each day and loose sight of that PERSPECTIVE. And the desires that surface are usually superficial desires for temporary release from the struggle (looking for something that cheers me up, and gives a tickle, a quick respite, ignoring the fact that on the long term such superficial enjoyments are trecherous and enslaving). 

I am in my fourth week of the retreat. I find myself struggling to read and pay attention to the prayers and reflections. When I can reflect on the readings they only stay with me for a matter of minutes  ---- then gone, back to life as usual. I want so to make God part of my life again. I say again because just three years ago I was a leader in RCIA at our local church ( since moved to another state ). I piloted a project in Re-membering Church for Catholics who had been away from the church. I established a medical clinic for the homeless in a privately funded outreach center and taught health there ! Sounds like I had it all together. I probably did. I can not describe what has happened since. Nothing really bad just nothing. I feel distant from God and not really apart from His works. I have been spending most of my time visiting my children and grandchildren in their respective states. It seems a time to keep the family together and grounded. This holds true of my wives family too, though not as "urgent". Though I know this is valuable and important work, it just isn't rewarding in the sense that I don't feel God's presence in it. I will keep plodding along praying more to FEEL God's presence and his love. 
I managed to get to week 4 in a very diffused manner.  Wish I could be more regular but distraction abound.  But this week's focus is very difficult for me.  I can identify heroes such as Robin Hood and Ivanhoe as inspirational but real people I find difficult to list.  Perhaps by the end of the week I may be able to please God. 

As I am in my fourth week I've been reflecting on freedom as a gift of God in Christ. In the Readings for this week it captured my attention the reading of the Epistle to the Romans: "...We know that God is always at work for the good of everyone who loves him. They are the ones God has chosen for his purpose, and he has always known who his chosen ones would be..." Freedom... is specialy attached -it was very clear for me along this week- to that feeling of confidence that you have when you are loved (and now we are talking about God's love!). That freedom, we, moderns, as we are prone to think, is not arrogance, but confidence; not fear to the absolute, as a strange reverence due to a king most feared, but that attitude that Paul describes as Parresia; I called it Parresic Reverence, and it has been a gentle discovering from the Spirit that has, since this days, started to shape my prayers and my general attitude towards Him. God chooses me first. God wanted me his friend from always: I am just trying to follow His call. Thank you to the Creightons people for make available this space of encounter with God. 
I'd like to respond to a sharing just read this morning by the gentleman who was in his fourth week of the retreat ... had moved from another state, and was somehow feeling a lack of God's Presence in his life.  Nothing particularly ... just nothing. He mentioned being very active in his previous location, "Re-remembering" and a medical/health clinic program he was very involved with establishing. Then the move, or relocation.  First, I was touched by this apparent loneliness.  Second, because I too, am a grandparent, I appreciate and value his concern for his children and grandchildren.  And, I believe his desire to "make the rounds" keeping the family connected is truly worthy.  However, I do know first hand how that somehow can leave us feeling a bit unsatisfied, or empty.  Mainly, I think, because their lives and ours are so complex, and we somehow can never go back and reach that level of "connectedness" we long for.  Or, so it's been with me. And, at this point in my life, I'm beginning to sense that this is a part of God's plan.  He's anxious for us to spend more quiet time with Him, to rely more on Him for our joy, comfort, and "connectedness".  Which brings me to my next thought, which is this:  The gentleman was so involved, busy, and "rewarded" in his previous location and endeavors, he was feeling accomplished.  And, I'm thinking there must have been a lot of fellowship with people in his spiritual community during all the prayer, planning and work.  
Two things:  First, I believe God always leads ... but sometimes He! ! allows us to experience these valleys or dry periods.  (The scriptures are filled with stories of individuals who were in the "desert" ... particularly the Psalms.)  And, when this happens, I believe, it's always for our betterment, our growth, our good ... and, for His glory!   Secondly, I also believe the Lord established His church for us so that we would have solidarity, and fellowship.  We do this in various ways through prayer groups, bible studies, worship committees, or studies in pastoral services, volunteering in hospitals for our parish, praying with parish members in need, etc. The list is ongoing.  And, the Holy Father, Pope John Paul has for years been writing letters to the Church (us) explaining our responsibilities, and our importance in the Kingdom work, for Jesus, making us aware of the power and value of our prayers, family support, justice, human rights and dignity, etc. So I believe, for most older citizens in God's Kingdom, because most of us have a little more time than our children do, (as they busy themselves in the rearing of our grandchildren ... just like we did) God is calling us to become more involved.  We need the fellowship and identity which comes with being an involved Christian, and He's looking to us to do those things that our children aren't able to do now, either because they don't have time, or aren't mature enough yet to realize the enormous significance of Kingdom work. 
I hope this helps somehow.  Know that we are all being covered by thousands of prayers around the world, by God's people interceding for us because we are part of that Kingdom.  Also, that as members of this very special retreat, we receive additional prayers, and intentions.  God is still leading you ... and me, and He is still in control.  He doesn't miss a heartbeat, not a flick of an eyelash. And, He won't let go of us, or let us down.  TRUST!  And, Merry Christmas!  I just believe God has something really special for you, just around the corner for this coming new year which will help in your feeling "reconnected".  You maybe just need to "turn the corner"? ... i.e., check out with your parish areas where you can become involved. Areas you'll feel God would like you to be involved.  God bless you! 
It seems the further I go into these spiritual exercises - the fourth week now, the more alienated I am feeling - because of personal relationship problems I am experiencing at the time that seem overwhelmingly on my mind at all times. 
I want the freedom to dump them - and get back to the peace and contentment I felt before I begin in this relationship.  At first, I thought the relationship came from God - tho not necessarily sought by me, the attention and warm feelings seemed like a special gift.  Now they seem to be interfering with the call I feel to have a closer relationship with God at this particular time in my life.  Yet, the "addiction to attention" I am feeling, is causing me to hang on to a relationship that seems to be a deadend for me - for our aims, ethics and purposes are too far apart.  I am hoping to gain the strength I need to choose God as my important relationship, and let the other fall by the wayside, if the other person does not pursue the same ends.  Please pray for me to have the courage to keep my commitment to Christ - that I will hold no other Gods before me, including the desire for human consolation if it interferes with good communion with God.  
In my fourth week, I find that I do not like the word "indifference" but I treasure the concept.  When I first read St. Ignatius a long time ago, I seized on the part about health because I have had a particular health concern for many years.  I am obese, and have been for most of my life.  Like many fat people, I have lost and regained huge amounts of weight.  My average food intake is 1/3 that recommended for Americans, and I exercise six times a week.  (about 3 hours.)  Here is my dilemma:

I might be able to lose weight by exercising more, but I don't want to be obsessed with my body size.  I have health problems because of my excess weight, but I have a wonderful life.  Much of what I have learned about empathy and tolerance has come from my own experience of obesity.  Because I was fat, I concentrated on building a deeper reality for myself, and I attracted people who were capable of seeing beyond the superficial.  I have a great husband and family, an interesting job, terrific friends, an enviable education, a questing spirit, and a level of joy that most people find enviable. 

Some years ago I wondered if God might possibly want me to be fat.  It seems that the pain and disfigurement of obesity and related health problems have taught me a wisdom that would be hard to acquire any other way.  People imply, at times, that compromising my health in this way is sinful.  Yet I don't smoke, drink, eat unhealthy foods, or indulge in other high risk behavior.  My life is stress-free, compared to most people I know.  My obesity may cause others more discomfort than it causes me.

One of my hopes for this retreat is that I find clarity on this issue.  I am willing to work harder to lose weight, but I have to find some way to do so that does not use all  of attention and energy and conviction.  I need to do it with "indifference" or "non-attachment." 

Into the fourth week of this retreat I commend the angels and saints responsible for building this website.  My first thought when a friend gave this to me was, I don't have time for a retreat.  I can't seem to leave it now that I've started, however it may take me longer than 34 weeks.

God bless each of you, and let's continue praying for each other which is the greatest gift we all share.
I have tried the exercises before, but felt very lost.  Please pray for me that I will have the courage and the trust to follow through this time.  God keeps calling.  Thank you. 

As I reflect on my role models and heroes (week 4), I am struck by the humility all of them have  ( or had ), forgetting themselves, very much like the smiling student in a Dominican Republic clinic...no sense of grandiosity even as some of them are famous. They ( have ) displayed remakable energy and focus, perseverance against seemingly impossible odds, moving forward towards what they perceive(d) as God given goals with a faith greater than mustard seeds...Nelson Mandela ( divinely-inspired ) forgiving his erstwhile tormentors after assuming power, Vaclav Havel transforming poetry's power to l iberate his people, Lech Wales using his gifts to organize a new nation, Ninoy Aquino sacrificing his life so that others may live in freedom,  Mother Theresa giving service a new meaning, St. Paul exchanging his earthly wisdom for True Wisdom, and St. Peter leaving his safety net for a greater harvest ( of souls ).

It gives me strength to know that the Source of their power and wisdom is the same God I worship and Who invites me to be like them.


Starting week four, the idea of indifference, not wanting, seems a hard ideal.  The very idea brings out how much we are bound to ambition and recognition. Society feeds these "tions"--we're told to "be somebody," get our fifteen minutes of fame.  I think for many of us, that craving really hints at insecurity within.  This is where we really need to pray for utter trust. 
I am doing this retreat with 3 other women.  When we first started I wasn't sure about how I was doing with it.  Was I getting it?  Was I doing it right? I realized that after week 4 that I am getting it!!!  "It" is what God has for me.  Even though we are doing this as a group it is still a very personal experience.  Talk about a grace!!!! 
I am in the fourth week now but want to share something of the journey so far. What was wonderful about the first week was to realise that what had been bad in the past - a sense of being rejected when I had polio, and later being the butt of a school - was not what was coming to the fore in my mind as I reviewed the time. What did come to mind were the people who were there to help, and who wanted to help even though they were not helpful. That was most encouraging. In the second week I was caught by the number of cross roads there were in my life and found myself staying with the choices I faced leaving university at the age of 21. The choice I made almost certainly brought me into the church having been away, and then into the priesthood in the Anglican church ten years later. I have also discovered things about myself and acceptance which have been really helpful - how I have tended to boast to attract attention and gain acceptance. I don't need to do this any more. Thank you. 
Happiness to  my blessed friends on this sojourn to truth.  I am struck by the concept of using God's gifts of creation to achieve the end for which we are created while ridding ourselve of whatever gets in the way of our purpose.  The fourth week started by departing from merely appreciating the life and the path we lead to inspecting the people who inspire and the qualities they possess..   The balance we achieved in the gifts of creation including employment, friendhsip and faith to recognizing God's call and direction to our purpose and conception.  I am here amidst the green grass, blue sky and music from his birds and water falls lingering, appreciaiting and available. 
Today I spoke with a friend who has been living through her sixth recurrence of cancer. This time the experience has been unremitting and continues to make her increasingly frail.  Yet she immediately spoke of the beauty of this autumn day.  "What a gift we've been given," she said.  I was humbled once more by her ability to look outward and to see, and marvel at, the beauty of God's creation, despite the magnitude of her physical problems. She is one of those who inspires me in this, my fourth week on this retreat.

I have been awed by her courage before this week, but I never really thought about the way she has her life in balance.  She continues to live--to read, to study, to enjoy her family, to become irritated by the messiness of the house she can no longer control--but through it all, she seems to be at peace, to have turned over the decision-making to God.

The prayer in "These or Similar Words" in week 4 was  almost thought for thought how I feel.  I was very moved.  I thank you. 

I am in the fourth week and have been going along quite nicely ----basking in God's love for me. However , when I hit this week and read the Ignatian admonition to "not desire" I knew I was in trouble. This philosophy is not new  to me--yet my resistance was huge! It may take me weeks to get thru this one. I do desire and as Fr. Gillick wrote --am I frree enough to face my unfreedom.........only with the grace of God.  
Last week was week 4.  I struggled through a personal crisis.  But I was at the right place at the right time.  I stood up in my room, held my hands open in front of me and  realized what it means not to care for one's honor, not to care for one's possessions...to let them all go. There are floods and suffering all round me.  People who have lost everything  they own.  They have to have another point of reference.
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