Sharing the Retreat
weeks 9-34

 
Week 9
Week 9.  Yes, I need God's healing mercy.  Whenever I was rejected, I could not help withdraw myself and became very fearful.  It is because when I was small, my mother refected me and pushed me away and it was the time I needed her to listen and care for me.  So it was the root of my emotions and fears. Though I know that now I am grown-up and can take care of myself, the experience still haunts at me. 
 
I pray to God to heal this memory and embrace me with his healing mercy and healing love.
There were a few things that stood out to me in week nine of the Retreat.  It really touched me to read the words under the photo for the week from the prophet Isaiah "...I am God now and forever.  No one can snatch you from me or stand in my way."  I am safe!!!   There is not anyone (including myself) or anything that can snatch me from God or prevent God from doing what God wants (and God wants only good for me because God loves me).  God has the power to protect me and God wants to protect me because God loves me.  Moreover, this power will never be taken away from God because at this moment and forever God is God which means that I will ALWAYS be safe in God's care.  Additionally, it was so refreshing to be assured that God will heal me.  This means that I need not be caught up with struggling by myself with my sinful tendencies but I can trust in the God who is able to heal me.  God never said that I (or anyone) needed to heal ourselves and be perfect before we can come to God.  While I know this in my mind there is another part of me that sometimes seems to forget that God is in the struggle with me and is ready and able to help in the process of overcoming sin.  I am not struggling alone, therefore, even when it seems as though something may be too hard to overcome, I need to focus more on that trust that nothing is too hard for God who is fighting for and with me.
The printer friendly verson of Week 9 lies beside me on my desk.  I am just starting the week.  I'm startled by the photograph of shadow and helplessness set against reassuring grandeur.   And then I read, "I will heal your pride.  I will free you from the destructive patterns that bind you."  Tears fill my eyes.  Thank you, Lord.  I know how you want me.  I know how I need you.  Keep me in your grace.  Allow me to allow you to fix my brokeness so I may be with you.
I have struggled for a long time with the feeling that God is remote and disinterested -- globally loving, but not particularly concerned with me as an individual.  I have spent a great deal of time in prayer and with my spiritual director learning that this is not so.  Trust has not been easy for me.  So, it about took my breath away when I read the caption to the photo for Week 9 -- the verses from Isaiah are so clear and loving, and exactly what I needed to hear at this point in the retreat, and in my life.  I am overwhelmed with gratitude for his love.
This is the beginning of week nine for me.  I have been struggling through each of the weeks because for so long I have been drenched in the guilt of the recurring patterns of my turns from the grace of God.  I have great difficulty shaking the feelings of remorse, and I keep letting them overshadow the acceptance of the forgiveness of our Beloved God.  Even though today I slipped deeply back into one of the patterns, through this retreat I still realize the hope for God's healing to shed the grace on me to continue on this journey to repair my brokenness.
Lord, give me the grace to live in your loving mercy. Give me the heart to know that it is enough. Give me this peace.
I  just want to share some thoughts on week nine, God's Healing Mercy.  How powerful and wonderful to realize that God is not done with me yet ; He is healing me  in His time and in His way from the patterns that I have allowed in my life that interfere with His grace.

My fears, weaknesses, vulnerability are being healed little by little and with God's grace will continue.  It is a week of hope for me.  I so need to feel that with God ,all will be well. He will never abandon me , He will rescue me.  He will provide.  I need to keep mindful and cooperate with His grace.

Thank you again for this wonderful opportunity you have given me to come closer to God and to now explore how I can make a return for all the goodness He has done for me.
Week 9, Holy Week, 2003, WOW is the best description available to me. “What return can I make to the Lord for all the good God has done for me?” That is the reflection/question of the week, and what better week to ask that question than Holy Week? For so long I have felt like the servant who was given one Talent by his master, and, in fear, all he could do was bury it. How have I buried my talents, hidden my gifts? I lose count of the ways. Once, in meditation, I heard the Lord’s voice inside asking “What are you waiting for?” That voice, that question, has echoed for over 10 years now, and still, I must ask myself “What AM I waiting for?” How long will it take, how much more must the Lord do for me, before I give myself completely to Him? Before I accept His love? His forgiveness? What is this fear that keeps me from loving completely, as I am loved? Keeps me from giving of myself, carrying the tiny crosses He offers me? What I really fear is losing Him, yet my struggle to do His will continues. Lord, You know how weak I am. Strengthen me. Give me the courage to love, unconditionally. Make me truly one with you, with the Church, Your body on earth. Show me the way. Here am I Lord, I long to do Your will. Help me. 

At first in the ninth week, I couldn't recover the peace of my mind. Whether I will be healed and able to act differently from before or not still made  me embarrasement and discouragetment. But after I read that God's forgiving grace , mercy frees us  for living  with our memories of how we have chosen death in our past,  I could keep going this retreat. Especially the word, "I will heal you and always be with you" gave me a big hope and courage. The more often I  recalled both my sinful action and God's  graceful responses, the more my faith was renewed  and  the more free my thought got from my past sins. I was so delighted to know His promise, " you will never be alone.". I will leave for my future with God bravely. 

There was a special day, a special time during this week where I felt the peace of Christ.  It was a day filled with true compassion toward another, a trait which I thought only others possess.  My busy work schedule does not seem to allow me the time to really listen to others or to be attentive toward their needs.  I had no other choice, it was an unusual circumstance which was forced upon me.  I never thought that I would possibly be able to take a special needs child with attention deficit disorder to spend the entire day with me at work. This child has taught me to put on Christ, a new me filled with quiet gentleness and abundant patience.  If only this "new me" could stay on for longer. I am thankful that God is merciful for all my past short tempered actions and has guided me onto the right path. (week 9)  

As I work through week 9, I'm going through a very lonely time.  I've realized that to prepare for friendship with others I should focus on being a friend to Jesus.  I pray that a personal relationship and friendship with Christ will grow and spill forth in forgiveness and friendship in my life. 

Week 9 begins.  I have discovered a great deal about how much God cares for me and loves me.  The truth of this matter has always been there but I have not seen it clearly.  
I am closer to my Lord and Saviour than I have ever been.  I once questioned where God was when I struggled.  As I have reflected and prayed and retreated I am seeing an answer more clearly. As I draw closer I am able to know that God is right there...right beside me...holding me.  As I reflect on my Lord's suffering and His struggle I am able to feel love and gratitude. I want to embrace Him and go to Him and love Him. 
Day 64 Week 9  Other than by Evangelizer’s, I rarely hear Jesus’ Name spoken in public except in a scandalous or derogatory way. I am happy that in our Church the Name of Jesus is revered and loved, because we believe that Jesus is truly God the Son, the second person of the Blessed Trinity, and that he is fully present in the Holy Eucharist. In John 5:17-29, Jesus plainly identifies himself as The Son of God the Father.   Sometimes I pray that Jesus will show himself (a sign?) to "prove" that He is who He says He is.  Then I think of Mother Teresa, Pope John Paul II, Pope John XXIII, and so many "Saints" who lived and are living among us, whose lives were and are a living witness to Jesus, and His living Presence among us. Jesus Lives! Jesus is Lord! Dear Jesus I thank you for bringing me to this day, for this retreat, for this Gospel. I want to serve you in ways that are pleasing to you. Please guide me. Amen. 

At the  independent living retirement home where I live, we have a health center for those who are ill.  We have a ministry there, "Companion to the Dying." and we are called to sit with those who are dying.   Usually we're called about once a month or so, but in the last two weeks I've been called to sit with three women.  I hadn't known theme except to bring them Communion or mail.  Then a woman from ourside of the campus, whom I had known, died last week.  I know that all four were prepared for death.  And none were long term friends.  And we have beautiful funerals here.  And ever since my heart surgery two years ago, I have been at great peace thinking abour my own death.   Maybe it's because of all this and the WTC, the War, and the plane crash today in New York, but this evening I need healing of the sorrow I feel. I found consolation in the Week Nine photo and the words of Isaiah.  I imagined our Lord holding the hands of each of the women who die here, each victim of the attack, of the war, or the plane, and of me, and saying "I have rescued you... you are very dear. etc." I prayed for and with all who died, resting in the thought that some day we will all be united with Jesus in heaven, in the joy of his love.   I accepted his healing. Thank you for sharing with me.  I pray you may all be at peace.. 
I am in week nine and can feel the enthusiasm and passion I had for this retreat beginning to wane.  Perhaps it is the business of the season; could be I am expecting lights and bells and not seeing them.  The urge to get to the computer the first thing in the morning isn't as pressing as it was a few weeks ago; I get distracted easily by the paper or answering e-mail. 

I decided to share this morning because the suggested readings included one from Paul to the Ephesians chapter two which reminds me that we are loved and treated much better than we deserve.  I sensed that Paul knew me in that I felt anger at the time of reading this passage.  How could he say that to me; I have been a good person and I work hard at being a nice guy.  I deserve something better than being admonished that I am loved inspite of my mistakes. 

Underneath the defenses, I hear Paul's words and they strike a blow for humility.  In relative terms to what I read on the front page of the paper, I am good, but it doesn't take much effort and I see my failings.  Paul's words are finally comforting.  I can never win God's love; it is just a given.  It is there for me anytime I want.  Like a mother or father's open embrace, God's love is unconditional won by the sacrifice of Jesus.

There, I can feel that enthusiasm picking up speed again!

I don't know if this is appropriate to share or not, but someone in the sharings has mentioned being in an unhappy marriage that they are staying in for the sake of their teenage son.  I would like for them to know about Retrouvaille, the ministry for hurting marriages, sponsored by the Catholic Church.  They can find the information for their area of the country by going to the webpage www.retrouvaille.org.  This ministry turned my marriage around completely and we have seen many miracles in other couples lives as we have worked in Retrouvaille for the past 11 years.  This retreat continues to be a real blessing in my life in week 9.  It is such a comfort to know that God's love covers all of my wounds and my sins.  I can relax and stop battling myself and allow His power to heal me.  Thanks again for the work of your staff.  May God bless you as He has blessed all of us taking part in this retreat.  
The first time I read the different texts, guides and prayers I thought "that's for me" and I started immediately. My enthusiasm faded a little when I came to weeks 5, 6 and 7 because I found them too heavy to bear : I knew too well that I was a sinner and that I had a strong part in the sin of the world. So ! I really was tempted to skip them and go direct to week 8. I didn't completely give in to the temptation but to be honest, I didn't stay long on these 3 weeks. I'll go back to these pages later when I am a bit stronger. 
I am now beginning week 9 and I know that the way is long to the 34th week but I can already say that I am experiencing slight change in my life. These words are truly mine : "What return can I make to the Lord, for all God's good ness to me !". 
Thanks for all your work.  Just one regret : not having the opportunity to discuss with a director about some difficult points that would need explanations. 
I am in week nine......forgiving love and now healing mercy.  Events and people seem to want to deny and contradict this good news.  The retreat helps to remind me  of who God is and the Scriptures tell a beautiful  freedom that is a freedom of a loving response to our God.  To be a loved sinner, past, present, future brings peace and a need to say to God...This is really about your love for us  which comes first and  knocks me over because of its abundance and faithfulness.  My heart is slowly opening more and more.  What and where will this lead?  There still is fear but it seems to be decreasing. 
Week 10
Week 10 When I started this week, it was a little frightening to read the challenge of being a “missionary.”  As I continued to read and study the guide I realized that the contemplation for this week is to determine with God how I can best meet this request.  I have been trying to listen to God and really believe I will be led to “something” that satisfies this desire to serve. The sharing of others is very beneficial - that interaction with others working on the same thing.  It is wonderful.
The invitations in the Guide for Week Ten really touched me.  At first reading how could I want to say anything but "Yes".  However, the fear creeps in.  I 'know' that ultimately God's plan for me will bring me more happiness, peace, contentment, and fulfillment than any other life course.  But there is fear in taking that leap of faith to say "I trust you and will let you lead me completely."  Why do I have this fear?  Part of me knows that there is nothing to fear in trusting God.  However, part of me wants to hang on and maintain some control myself.  I suppose part of the fear is expressed in the Merton prayer from this week in that I can not know without a shadow of a doubt that I am truly following God's desires for me even when I think I am.  Another part of the fear may be in allowing myself to completely trust without reservation the truth that God only wants good for me and has the power to follow through and will be with me every step of the way.  Ultimately it is a matter of faith.  It was reassuring to be reminded that even those disciples and saints who are examples of faith were met by God in their fears and uncertainties as well and that their faith and relationship with God grew and blossomed through it all.
Invitation to love.  God is so patient with me. I do want to follow Jesus and in many ways I do, but the resistance to change is still there at times.  Through this retreat I am becoming more aware that God does indeed want to free me if I will only let Him.

May I follow Him knowing that He is tender and loving and will lead me to where  He wants me to go.  I pray for trust  that with Him all is love. Let me be aware that each day is another opportunity to grow in that love.  Lead the way, Lord and keep me close, for I often forget to lean on you as I should.
Thomas Merton's prayer is my prayer. I want to do God's will. I try to do it as I see it...,ah, but that's the rub. As I see it. Help me to understand what it is You want of me. I like the prayer that suggests I sit with hands opened, palms up beseeching God to speak to me, to guide me toward Him, just be quiet and listen.
I am still working on week 10:  what I think that I am being asked to do by the Lord is to be where I am and to serve Him in the all the tedious and mundane details of life.  Acceptance of this has taken much time and resistance.  I would much rather do something glorious and concrete that points to my doing something for the Lord; yet, in fact, it is in the everyday that I am being called to meet God and extend Him to others.  I am thankful for my involvement with the Holy Family Institute (part of the Pauline Family which provides married and/or widowed individuals with the gift of consecrating their lives to the Lord); although I have been with them for less than a year, it is through the grace of their vision along with the grace of this retreat that I finally realize that here is where the Lord has placed me and it is here that I am to do His work and be with Him.  I am also coming to realize that being with God means not only being with Him in this place or that but with Him in the time of history in which He places us.  I am a returning Catholic, gone after thirty years, and I have many issues with the Church and its many changes.  I do not understand so much.  I grew up pre Vatican II and left the church because I felt lost in the chaos of the post Vatican II church.  I am now realizing that I am being called to update my Catholicism and to embrace the Church where it is now.
It embarrasses me to say that I know well my response to the ‘invitation’ presented in Week 10: Would I go on a mission to the Dominican Republic (or any mission) if my spouse asked me to join her? The answer is that I would go in a heartbeat. That embarrasses me it makes me feel like I’m bragging or saying how good I am. The opposite is in fact true. I would go not because I’m good, but because I need the example of the faith people living in poverty have to strengthen my own. My faith is so weak, and I am so weak. Were I ‘good,’ I would be taking the initiative and asking my wife to go with me. Instead, I sit at home, waiting for ‘the right moment.’ I hear the Lord’s call, and feel like the man at the plough who looks back instead of following without hesitation. I pray for the Lord’s wisdom and for the courage to respond as He wants me to. 

This is the first time since I have begun the retreat that I felt I wanted to share my thinking.  When I first read the readings from this week (week 10), I could feel alot of resistance to responding in gratitude to God's invitation.  I feel like I already know at least some of what God's invitation is for me.  I have a 9 year old son with autism and I feel that God's invitation to me is to give more of my time to spend with my son in teaching him all the things he needs to learn.  This is hard for me because I sometimes feel like I am being swallowed up by his autism and all the things I see that I could be spending time teaching him.  In addition, I have a husband and daughter and I feel quite torn most of the time about where I should be spending my time, and feeling that I am not spending enough time with any of them.  Anyway, I journaled about it some yesterday and got great value out of the time I spent doing this.  I have found that journaling has really helped me during this retreat when I find an idea difficult or I feel that I need to explore my thinking or to deepen my thinking about an idea that has been offered to us.  Yesterday I was able to sort out for myself that I need other people to help me in the teaching of my son.  I always have had other people who have helped, and I see that at this time I might need to find one or two other people who could spend some time with him and help me to teach him the things he needs to learn.  I also have to trust that God is with me in this and that He will help to provide what is needed and that He will guide me on this journey.  I want to do God's will for me in a spirit of gratefulness, not from obligation.  I see what it would cost me if I go through life coming from obligation.  I pray for God to transform my thinking about this so that I might be more at peace and experience more joy in doing God's will.
As I travel through Week 10 of the retreat, I hear God's call to be with Him. The thought, however, scares me a bit like Peter. I might as well have said it: " Depart from me, Lord, for I am a sinful man." And because it means leaving my fishing ( safety ) net, too...and  I have to let go and let God control my life. The world teaches me to rely on earthly power ( domination over others ), obey my thirst for earthly drinks, promote my self-image to succeed, and have money to be counted as having reached the top of the mountain.

The Lord, on the other hand, selects isolated places to show His glory and it can be very lonely places externally and internally ( in my heart ) - so different from the glamour of Hollywood parties. He invites me to be with the ostracized and, in the process, being ostracized also. He asks me to forego the riches of this world, which means I can never have a Lincoln Navigator nor a BMW. It is so counter-cultural and a way to failure in the eyes of my relatives and friends ( never mind the world ).

But the Lord invites me to look at my life in perspective. He has sent strangers to minister to me materially and spiritually : e.g., an acquaintance giving ( not lending ) me food money when my pocket was empty, new friends sprouting out of nowhere to replace those who have abandoned me ( because I am a failure in their eyes ), and a new career in social work beckoning me to be with Him in " distressing disguises. "

Still, the world seems a harsh place with high tuition fees and low salary rates for those who serve His people..because they/we have no paid lobbyists nor trumpeteers in the news media...Somehow, though, I will make it with Him. I just don't know how. I cannot see beyond the bend, although I see sparrows and seagulls thrive through winter without hands nor theories to equip them. The Heavenly Father is more than enough for them. I trust Him to be the same with and for me.

So I drop my nets ( including my earthly wisdom ) and follow Him, dying to my fears and being born into His Kingdom which human eyes hath not seen nor ears hath heard... Because, Yahweh, I know you are near ( Psalm 139 ).


As I read the words and prayers, I thought how relevant. As at this very time I feel or maybe even want a change in how I serve Jesus. However, I never thought of being afraid until tonight. It seems that deep down it is the fear of losing the comfort and comfortable in my life; that is what I am afraid of  --- not knowing what I would have to do to really answer the Call. (10) I pray for direction each and every day, but Lord do I really want it? Do I really want the change required of me? Lord help in my fear, help me my unbelief.

Wow -- Just starting week 10, and see that it's time to start asking the "serious" questions of God.  Not that my prayers to this point haven't been serious, but I sense a much different relationship with God already, developing over the past 10 weeks, and I know that often in the past I have held something back.   Like, I want to know what God wants of me, but I'm afraid to REALLY know, because I've been afraid I will fail and disapppoint.  I have a better understanding now (greater faith) that God is with me, and won't be disappointed as long as I try.  I feel my prayers will be alot more intimate than they've been, because I can put all before God.  For those of you who are just starting, keep it up!  This is a great experience!  Thank you again to those who have created this retreat.  It has done so much for many of us.

I was at a dead standstill about 6wk ago , which is what I shared. I asked for your prayers.   Now I'm on wk 10 . I just had I little insight I wanted to share. 

I had tremendous resistance to going forward when something might and in all probability WOULD be asked of ME. With all my baggage of fear, control, criticism, and judgment I thought I would never move forward. Then I thought of a yard sale or flea market! All you can do is lay the item out , no matter what the condition, and hope to sell it "as is". If no one buys it you can always give it away. Well, I'm laying myself out for the Lord to take, any or all of me, as He sees fit. I can't sell myself, so I'll just "give myself away" to He who collects all the "junk" of His earth. Wishing all of you a great day in God's "flea market" ! 


I'm on week 10 now. God has brought me through many painful 'dyings' in my life, but these ten weeks have brought as many as in the rest of my life put together. Each week has had its share. He is lovingly reshaping me, in his subtle little ways, into I know not what. I only know it will be much better than anything that's gone before.

I started the retreat soon after I met the first person in my life who seemed to understand everything I said, and had been many of the same places in her soul as I had been in mine. For about a month we shared very deeply, enjoyed each other's company nearly every day and were pretty much in love. I can see now how foolish that was, but who sees such things at the time? Then I said things of which I was very ashamed, and since then it has been a struggle to maintain contact and build on what was good in our friendship. This has been the biggest 'dying' of all for me, and is still going on. It revealed how much anger there was under the surface, and that God wants to deal with that before I can go any further. It has probably been the cause of my recurrent depression, which has often paralysed me in my close relationships. Please pray for me as I work through this with my loving heavenly Father. He is showing me how much he loves me in all this, although it doesn't always feel like that!

Again, I want to express my thanks for the opportunity for this spiritual 'workout'. I've never embarked on anything like this before, and I was a liitle wary of starting, but it's turned out to be the biggest adventure of my life. I feel if I can see this through I'll be able to cope with all the frustrations and contradictions of life so much better, and be of so much more help to those around me. It's happening already!

I am in my 10th week of the retreat and I am feeling a great deal of terror. I'm not quite sure why. I am totally sure that I want to follow Christ , that where He wants me to go is safe and the best thing for me. But I am very scared to abandon myself totally to Him. I feel that where He wants me to go with Him is not where I want to be, as though He somehow wants to make me do something I don't want.  I have feelings which stem from my childhood, projections of my earthly parents that are so strong that impede my total abbandonment. I could never trust a soul at home and now I find I'm finding it hard to trust God with my heart although with my head I do somehow. It's the trust of the heart, though that transforms every cell of our body into that which God lovingly desires. For that trust I pray, for that too is a gift, a gift I so ardently desire. I pray for all those in the retreat, that the Lord may gift us with total trust in Him in this journey of transformation. God bless.
You have made the Exercises so real for me-maybe its just that the penny has finally dropped.  In beginning the tenth week I am finding God is touching me in ways I could not image.  Your energies in developing this website have greatly blessed me.

I am thrilled I found your web site and will let as many as I can know about it. My first contact with Jesuits was at Fordham 47 to 51. During the years was busy becoming a doctor, starting family and enjoying life then the Viet Nam war started. Wow! Things changed and Dan and Phil Berrigan came upon the scene. I began to agree with them but wondered if this was becoming too radical. I bought a book on peace by Thomas Merton to see his ideas. The book was dedicated to the Berrigans and Was started on the road to pacifism. Since Sept. 11 being a pacifist is not as easy, for the first time America has suffered a tragedy and people are rightfully angry and demand justice. I agree with stopping the guilty and bringing them to justice but striking out in anger and violence only repeats what the terrorists did. Last Sunday my wife and I joined a small group of people against the war, concerned that this could lead to a much wider war. It was not very well accepted. I'm now in the 10th week of the retreat and the theme of following Jesus will give me the strength to carry on. Once again Thank God for your on line ministry and other Jesuits like Fathers Dan Berrigan and John Dear SJ 
I got bogged down in week 10, so many other things to do this Lent. A major lesson to prepare for Bible Study, an all day diocesan workshop, a fundraiser to attend, daily Mass and Lenten devotions...all important also, but after a week of only cursory attention to the retreat,  today I could feel the Lord calling me back. I re-read all the prayers and guides for week 10.  I cannot say how my awareness of the Lord's love for me has become so real since I started this retreat in Advent.  I am so grateful to Him and to all who put this together.

The greatest part of all is that now I AM able to reach out to others in true love instead of some sense of duty. I have longed to see the good in others the way that God does and now I can.  I have heard the psychology of first having to accept yourself before you can accept others for years. But that was not possible for me without the deepest realization of God's love and acceptance for me first.  It was in my head, but not in my heart or deepest core of my being. For the first time in my life, I have seen Jesus in the eyes of those I help. Thank you Father God, thank you Jesus my savior and Thank you Holy Spirit, for your steadfast love.

I returned after a 2 week absence to the suggetion that I "give" a week with my mate in the service of the Lord. I have felt this call for some time but I felt I was too old (69) and would only be a burden. Now my wife is on oxygen (emphysema) and there is little possibility of answering a call if, in fact, that is what it is. I will continue on with the exercises (11 is next) with hope for the future.  God is love. 
Week 11
Week eleven flew by quickly for me.  It was difficult for me to give a complete 'yes' to an unknown future.  However, during the week I was given the grace to pray to the Lord and say that I do say "Yes" and I asked the Lord for the strength, faith, and courage to follow through with that 'yes'.
I am in the end of the eleventh week, and what a powerful time it has been. I am constantly amazed at where our Beloved God has taken my heart in these few short weeks.  I began by saying "yes" without knowing what that could mean to me, and a plan came to me of how I could begin to divide my time, my energy, and my heart to better serve God and those around me.  I am a retired teacher who remains very interested in education, and this week an opportunity was shown to me; one group of students who are poverty level are struggling in school.  I felt drawn to offer to work one day a week with them, and when I told my wife what I wanted to do for those children, she said that she had been drawn to volunteer to do that as well. So here, in our own area, is an opportunity to serve the poor using gifts that God has so generously given us.  On Monday I began saying "yes" to whatever God wanted of me; on Wednesday I was shown one way to begin.  What a blessing this retreat is for me.
My response to this exquisite invitation to love has changed and developed through the years, only by God's grace.  What was no, and ,sometimes ,and then maybe , is becoming a stronger YES  in my life.  I pray for the grace to trust in God's plan...He knows what he is about , as one of the prayers said this week. I do want to follow and be with Jesus and to be a more responsive  lover of God. It takes courage to answer Yes, to a present and future that only God knows.

There is a prayer at the back of our Sunday misselette , written by St. Ignatius, it used to scare me to read that prayer for it speaks of surrendering  things like will and memory etc.  I now read that prayer in a different light, realizing that to trust is the ultimate gift of love.

I want to say yes to Jesus in things that are easy and yes even to the challenges and loss that comes with age and time.  Hard words to say . Jesus loves me enough to help me  in doing what I am missioned to do.  If I have the courage to know that no matter what , His love will be the answer to all. Week 11
WoW! This weeks prayers are soooo much my prayers! I printed three of them out to keep near my bed. Of course, St Francis of Assisi's strong and powerful request "Lord, make me an instrument of your peace" Well, really we don't have to make that request of God. Our real prayer is let me see how you have created me as an instrument...no I guess, we may not even know that, but we DO know that we have been created AS an instrument of His peace on earth. WOW, again That makes Cardinal Newman's prayer sooo pertinent. Then the "In these or similar words" the feelings we all feel. We say YES, but we don't always know what that YES means or what it will bring. I like the thought that it isn't the results of my Yes that's important, but the fact that I say YES with earnestness and conviction. I found this week's material inspiring. I will be acting with new conviction as I deal with overcoming my health problems by focusing on my peacekeeping role. Week 11
I am beginning the eleventh week and the effect on me is beginning to be profound.  At first I was so sure that I would be afraid of the consequences of saying "yes."  What is happening today, however, is that whenever I say or read "yes", my heart feels so full and tears spring to my eyes.  I don't believe it is out of fear but out of a wonder that this late in life I am being offered this magnificent gift--the gift of offering my "yes" to our Beloved God.  What a wonderful revelation.
After two weeks of the call of the Lord, this week focuses more on my response, “Lord, I say, ‘yes’.” When I refuse to say “yes,” help my unbelief and give me hope. Refresh me when I lose the enthusiasm to jump up and respond to you.
As I near the end of week 11, I re-read the entries others have made on this week. I feel at one with many of them, especially those who wrote of their own weaknesses, failures, and struggles. Their lives and mine have much in common. Letting go of the past, of my guilt, my shame, my sense of failure is not easy, but, like them, I am learning to trust more in the mercy and presence of Christ in my life. Though I wish in many ways that I had started this retreat with a good friend, I am grateful to all those who share their experience in this retreat. It make the journey so much more meaning, adds impact, and helps me realize I am not alone. Thanks to all of you.

Week 11, and I’m beginning to feel like my sharing has become a ‘broken record.’ Timing. Again, this week, it is timing that strikes me. I started this retreat for discernment, and now, in this week, I’m asked to ‘discern’ God’s call. Options face me. One offers the opportunity to be of service to many, at possibly great expense to me. The other offers the opportunity of serving one who is very close, and whose cooperation, if not direct involvement, would be very helpful in fulfilling Option 1. Looking at it from this perspective (the ‘written’ one) makes it seem clear. Choose Option 2, and, if it is indeed His will, Option 1 may follow. Having taken even this brief moment to put into print the choices I have seems to be opening the door to the answer. I pray that the Lord continue to guide me in this process, and trust that His will WILL be done, whatever I choose

In the Getting Started portion of Week 11, there was a suggestion to "just say yes" to God's invitation of love, and to say it out loud and in different ways.  I tried this yesterday on the drive home from work, and I felt silly saying "yes" out loud,  as if I were just talking to myself. This morning, I tried putting the words "yes" and "Lord" into a little song made up of only those words, repeated over and over in a simple tune that just made itself up as it went along.  I wanted to share what a great discovery it was to find this song inside me, and now I can sing it on my way to work with the feeling that I'm singing it to God! I had the distinct impression that He laughed when He heard it for the first time, and that was just great.  If you too have a song inside, let it out this week so you can hear that happy laugh!

The one thing I am learning over and over again is the power of prayer, and the comfort I get through faith and reminding myself that the good Lord has always taken care of me, no matter how rough things were. I am a real fighter and often I forget when it is time to step back and place things in the hand of God to take care of.  I become afraid and I have a hard time being patient.  I will appreciate if you will include my son in your prayers this week.  He is a senior in high school and has had a rough few months.  It is so difficult as a parent to watch your children struggle.  I pray everyday that the Lord will keep him safe and bring him a little joy and comfort.

During the 11th week of this retreat I was touched and so delighted to receive the invitation by God. My priest asked me if I could help lead reading of the Old Statement. I answered " Yes". How soon the invitation from God comes !! Of course I am a little worried about it. But I believe that My God would help me in doing it. 

It is, thankfully, about saying yes.  Yes to Christ!  I am beginning to see(in week 11) that He does move in my life through those I work with, my family, and all who I meet each day. I can say yes to Christ in spite of everything unworthy of Him that still remains in me.  Thanks to you.

I am in week 11, and what a week it has been!  We have so many blessings and wonderful ministries in our city, but they all have been under attack this past week over the most trivial issues. It was like in the reading at mass this week, the Pharisees were upset because Jesus healed on the Sabbath instead of rejoicing that a man they knew  could now see! It is been a week of Pharisees who have hurt others so unnecessarily over trivial and legalistic points.  I am praying for the legalists, I am praying for those they hurt, our priest in particular and I am praying for the trouble to die down to be able to focus again on the peaceful image at the start of this weeks retreat in these weeks of Lent.

Responding to God's love. During week 11 I was in the UK visiting my 85 yr old father. I found him confused and really unable to live alone any longer. What could I do to make his last days comfortable?  Prayer was dry, no help seemed to come but I invited Dad to come to the USA and live with me. We rarely see eye to eye, this will not be easy but the only question I ever ask now is, "What is the most loving thing to do?" and the answer to that is to take care of him. Without God's love I cannot do this, with it I can try.   Veronica
I have been following the retreat sessions week by week..on week 11. I must confess I have not done them well perhaps I have no put very much effort into them. I wish i had a spiritual director .....but I think God still takes that little bit of effort I have put into it and uses it.  I wish i could get out of shame.  I know it does me no good to wallow in it....... but Ilook back on my life and I see how much time i wasted, what talents I wasted, how much I complained about my lot in life, how much gossipping I did, and devaluing ot others, etc..and I called myself a christian.  I was not even very kind. you know the strangest things is....God still will not give up on me..there is always this call to love......even with the little effort I am making with this retreat..I know he is doing something.......I feel the magnitude of my sinfulness, I know he still cares about me, and I know he still calling me, to do what? I have not idea....but, I know I cannot do it without loving..........and when I love I follow Him.......the problem is....... I am stubborn and think i know the way.
I am now getting ready to move into my eleventh week of my retreat.  There have been times when It seemed that too many obstacles exist and I will not be able to continue my journey.  But here I am.  Right on time. As the reading for the day says, if we forget, God knows where we are and will come to us and bring whatever strength we need to get through our days.  My CD ROM was damaged and thru my doing the retreat I found this out and it was repaired free of charge.  I only wanted to play a Praise and Worship Tape during the Christmas Season.  I now play the tape as I try to get into the prayers suggested, Scriptures offered and the wonderful reflections by each of the staff that contribute.  God is good and his love of me despite all the obstacles I see and feel in my life is just overwhelming.  I know He wants me to have the desires of my heart, but I think I am finally turning those desires over to Him.  Let Him decide what is best for me.  He told me that once when I was feeling sad because of the extra care I needed to give to my husband.  But I seem to forget so easily the  moments when I know He has spoken.  Thanks again for helping when I do feel very alone.  Today, O Lord, I am emptying my heart.  Come take your rest in me. Amen

I am in week 11 and think I'm finally coming out of a dry period. The past few weeks, while continuing the retreat, I have been pre-occupied with my sister leaving the Church. This scandal has been difficult! I desire that my Yes is complete! Interesting, that one of the prayers was Psalm 116. This was my prayer of gratitude for surviving cancer. It came at a good time in the retreat - pulled me back to where I needed to be! I seemed to have a heightened awareness of God's love and my response. I am grateful for the grace. Robin
I am in week eleven but I would like to comment on my feelings from last week (week 10).  It was an interesting feeling of debating how much I would have to give up to do something like the invitation was inviting me to do. It was strange, even before I read the helps that talked about considering how much I would have to sacrifice that my mind went to that.  Whenever I was called to do something I would always weigh what I would have to give up to do it - so that just came naturally. I have weighed in favor of the unknown before at the call of God but I fear that I may have also held back at that call too.  It was a thought provoking week.

I'm thinking about doing the next few weeks in a shortened form (Sun-Wed and Wed-Sat) so that I can get on with the Liturgical Year for Lent.  I hope that works out well.

As I pondered "In these or similar words" in Week 11, I felt as if God were speaking directly to me, urging me to give Him my wholehearted yes to His invitation to follow Him.  The old familiar fear and hesitancy that I have always experienced when I have believed He was calling me quickly rose to the surface as I considered my answer.  What would He ask of me, what will I have to give up?

Then, as I continued to read the part about how in responding to Him, I become the authentic person He created me to be my fears evaporated!  What a chord this struck with me.  I have been focusing for the last couples of years on trying to become the person God created me to be!  I can see where my unique experiences in live have equipped me to be of service to others.  I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and have been able to share that with many others.  My husband and I have experienced God working profoundly in our marriage and we have been given the opportunity to share His healing with other hurting couples through the ministry of Retrouvaille.  I also meet with two other women weekly in an open 12 Step group where we share and minister to each other on a deep level.

God, I believe, is saying, "don't look at where I'm leading you in the future.  Look at where I've brought you today".  When I look at just today, I find it much easier to give Him my "yes" wholeheartedly.

May God bless all of you who are on this journey with me. 

I am now in my eleventh week and this message to be outstanding as a sign of Jesus working in us is more subtle than the other weeks messages. I have sinned grievously against others, some terrorizing enemies, and mostly myself but it took a serious life threatening event with our son near death to bring my awakening to completion. These passed weeks I have prayed harder to have my will change my behavior because I think the Lord needs this purification and consecration of my life in the Present. I am afraid of the need to rededicate for the consistent Present of a Daily Faith.The past has much pain and fleeting glory for me personally to matter much now. Living your life honestly in your need to serve Him and have integrity in your relationship with the Lord will save me to grow spiritually with and in Him. Yes, my wordily enemy is very real and powerful and vengeful but my life in him as he tests me brings the only peace in prayer to move me to love Him in my daily works with my family and self. How very long it has taken me to know this. How stupid and painful it was to know my temper and uncontrolled behavior through the real evil that is in the world. I pray for my self to keep on strong daily in my Faith. And when I fail as I sometimes do, I try to recall the grace working in me with Christ and my response for a consecrated life to him in Honesty, Integrity, Community, Responsibility, and last but most important for me, Simplicity in delivering your needs and faith daily to yourself in the world, others, and Jesus Christ. 
Day 78 (Week 11)  Lord Jesus, how I long to meet You on the way. I know that life’s journey to You, God the Son, is made easier if only I could put my trust in You, Jesus, my loving Friend, and truly believe that you are walking by my side. There are days when you seem so distant, when my heart feels the chill of your absence, and when my mind cannot vision your presence. How lonely and forsaken I feel on those days. And how strange that even though I know I can find you if I would take the time visit you in the Sanctuary of our Church, or even in the sanctuary of my heart, I won’t. Why? Is it the guilt I feel because I know that You have not abandoned me, but it is I that have abandoned You? Oh dear Jesus, I know the answer. How many times must I remind myself that Your love for me is infinite. That even when I fall into sin, You are ready to rescue me, to lift me up, and embrace me. Lord Jesus, Son of God, have mercy on me a sinner. Come, be with me today, fill my heart with your love, my mind with your peace, and give me the strength to prevail against the wiles of Satan. Amen.

Week 12
I've had some trouble staying with the retreat the last couple of weeks, with anxiety marking my life in other ways, and difficulty connecting to the themes. What stayed with me was the line from the front of the retreat...that God will not be outdone in generosity...

How that line fits week 12. A God who looked out on the world and decided to enter it fully and to show us clearly the way to live. To enter the suffering and pain and shine through it with love and joy. I wonder, too, if this was not done with a wonderful curiousity as to how it would all turn out.

I have watched someone choose not to be curious, not to enter someone else's world, not to be generous. I have wondered at the times that I have made the same choice, and how that has narrowed me and lessened my joy. I have wondered at the times that it has been done to me. I know God understands our limits but I wonder how we can explain our so-little curiousity, our so-little generosity, particularly when we have so much pretty talk about these same things in our communities.

I have felt my own tired out limits. So, I am going to try anew to be curious and generous with others, as I try to reach a God who doesn't tire.

I did not feel as though I was bearing much fruit in week twelve because it seemed to call to mind some of the same feelings and images I had in week five (perhaps because of the similarity of the pictures for these two weeks).  My interpretation seemed to be of a God looking with feeling from a distance at what was happening to the earth where people were not valuing one another and creation.  From this vantage point, God saw the big picture and felt the anguish of seeing what had been created for happiness and good abusing and hurting and being abused and being hurt.  It just seemed that people did not get the truth that we are all equal in the eyes of God and that God wants happiness, joy, love, and peace for all.  God wants all of us to understand that and so became incarnate.  After I went back and read my reflection from week five, I realized that this week did produce slightly different fruit.
Ask and you shall receive! We have our song for this week. Day by Day. Another powerful prayer. Help me to know You more clearly, love You more dearly and follow You more closely...day by day.  Sing that one as you smile through your everyday routines. I will!  Week 12
Come Lord Jesus!

The most loving ,compassionate act ever was realized by the missioning of Jesus to bring his light and salvation into our bombed out worlds, both personal and global.

God's greatest act of love came to us in such a obscure way... His Son changed everything! This week I had such mixed insights and actions... at times looking at friends, neighbors, strangers with the thought that His mission of love and salvation is for all. Why do I so easily forget this in the middle of challenges?  I know that Jesus is there and that His mission is to save all.  I just need to keep reminding myself that in the middle of  lifes harshness, disappointments, and heartbreak that the Light is there to overcome the darkness of my soul and heart at times.

Lead me on by your light Lord Jesus.  The line in one of the prayers struck a chord with me,   "to give me the courage to follow Him to whatever Jerusalem He leads me, today, and everyday, for ever and ever.

Thank you for allowing me to know that He is working in me in moments of great light, and in moments of darkness, He has overcome the darkness and is continuing to do so, if I allow the Light into my heart.  Come Lord Jesus, break into my heart.
This week the retreat focuses on a general view of Christ. The readings I have reviewed so far have focused on Jesus as God, Son of God and Savior. The photo for the week is a bombed out village with the saying about God loving man so much that he sent his Son. I was initially confused by this photo and its accompanying but contrasting statement. Eventually, it made sense. I started this retreat with the hope of finding God in the ordinary. I thought it would be good to attempt to retreat while in the throngs of my everyday life. In this retreat, I did not want a series of consolations that would be granted in the beautiful solitude of a country retreat center. Therefore, it makes sense that I should focus on Christ while thinking about a burnt, deserted village and not just focus on His Godliness and unconditional love within the blessings of life. Christ should be as easy to find in the turmoil as He is in more peaceful and idealistic settings. It is in the smoke and dirt that Mother Theresa and so many saints found Him.

Lord, let me find you in the bombed out villages of my world.  Of course added to the problems of finding Jesus in the external turmoil, I have an additional problem. While I may want to follow Jesus, often I ask him to wait so I can go back and “bury the dead.” I wait the fact that I make him wait because One thing is clear, without the Lord there is no peace in my life. I wish I could be sinless and always in his presence.
Today I start week 12. Last night just before a service for peace at St. Mary’s, I prayed the Luminous Mysteries of the Rosary. St. Louis de Montfort wrote some thought provoking (and attention retaining) phrases inserted into the Hail Marys of the Rosary that I have used for years. He did not have the Luminous Mysteries in his day, so I have been struggling to find my own short phrases to insert. The second Luminous Mystery, the Miracle of the Wedding Feast at Cana, caused more difficulty for me than the others. Last nite, however, the Lord revealed something to me. For so long I have wondered what great works He wants me to do for him. At the very beginning of my reflection on the Cana miracle, it hit me: Mary said “Do whatever He tells you.” Then Jesus said “Fill these jars with water.” A very ordinary task. Nothing at all unusual or especially difficult. I realized then that He does not ask me to do ‘great’ things, but only little things that He can make great. It is such a privilege to be an instrument of His love. He doesn’t expect much from me because He is the miracle worker. My pride had again been in the way. I insisted on asking what I could do. All I need do is act in faith and love, as He did. He takes care of the rest. As I enter this week, I pray for the grace to know Him and to follow Him, and, most of all, to ‘do whatever He tells me.’

First of all, in Advent I am happy to reflect the mystery of incarnation.(the 12th week) the picture inspired me about many sins and God's love much more than a couple of weeks before. Pondering Jesus is God's only son and a man like me, I was so touched by Jesus missioning and my mind had a deeper bonding with God. and I came to understand Wherever there are hatred and distrust and struggle,  Jesus is always with us for ever because of God's love and forgiveness. I will await Jesus' s coming and prayer to see Him more clearly, to love Him more dearly, and to follow Him more near. 

Week 12. I end this week on a high note! At last night’s Vigil Mass, Father John delievered a homily that caught my imagination, and struck at my heart. "Doubting Thomas" represents all "mankind". It is difficult for us to "believe" in what we can’t see. But, when he saw, Thomas, immediately responded with the words that still ring out to all, even unto this day; "My Lord and My God!" I pray for the grace to live my life as God our Father intended for me, I pray that one day, I too, will fall on my knees, and looking into the Face of Our Lord Jesus, and cry out, "My Lord and My God!" I know now that the Way will not always be smooth, that my path will be filled with "potholes", if not deep pits of despair, but I also know that I will not be abandoned, that the Holy Spirit will be my guide, my strength, and my will, and that I need only call out to Him to make it to another Easter, when I will be renewed in the Baptism Waters, until that final Easter when I meet My Lord and My God face to face!. Amen
I am beginning week 12.  Some of the weeks have taken more than 7 days.  I have for the first time in my 58 years felt such a closeness with Jesus. Many things have flooded back about my early religious education and experiences and I am amazed to see how much I didn't see.  For the first time my eyes are opening.  Each day, several times during the day, I feel God's presence in my life.  It's the most incredible feeling.  Recently, I was at Mass reflecting on some family turmoil and feeling very rejected.  I was sitting there thinking about how much I had done and how little I was appreciated and asking God to give me the grace the get through things. Suddenly I was thinking about Jesus on the cross and how He was rejected by his people and He loved them in spite of themselves.  My pain was inconsequential by comparison.  Getting out of myself has been an amazing gift of this retreat.  Each week brings a closeness with God that I could not have imagined.  I never knew what it was like to have an intimate relationship with Him.  I give thanks every day for seeing the newspaper article which brought me to this on-line retreat.
The mystery of the Incarnation (12) became more present to me as I pondered the Trinity looking down on Bosnia...starving children in Ethiopia,...AIDS  in Africa...the family down the block...and myself...The Incarnation is NOW.  The same movement of love that brought Jesus to Bethlehem and to Calvary, is active in our world. Would that I only believe it more!

Week 12, Luke 24:13-35, "On the road to Emmaus", has always been one of my favorite Gospel readings. How often I wished that I were one of those two men! Imagine meeting Jesus in person, listening to His voice as he talks about His life, and sharing a meal with Him! As I wrote this I was struck by these thoughts. Don’t I still meet Jesus every Sunday (and everyday if I choose) when we celebrate Mass? Isn’t it then that He is fully present to us in His Words, the Gospel? Isn’t it then that the meaning of His life, death and resurrection are made clear to us in the reading of the scriptures, from Moses and all the prophets? And finally, in the Eucharistic meal, doesn’t He make Himself fully present to us as He feeds us with His Body and Blood? Yes! Yes! Yes! and Yes! I thank you Lord Jesus for this moment, and this reflection that I know was inspired by You. I love you Lord Jesus, increase my Faith so that I may love You more. (An afterthought). And in loving You, learn to love others, especially those I find it difficult to love.
Week 13
I just finished week 13 of the on-line retreat: “God prepares the way” and have most certainly experienced, through these exercises, that God has prepared the way for me to move away from fear and cowardice to lovingly and fearless proclaiming of His good news.  I did not realize that was what He was doing at first…but why should I:  I am creature; He is Creator.  I have been struggling for a long, long time with trying to overcome my fear of speaking the truth regarding my beliefs on moral issues, particularly abortion and same-sex marriages.  I used as my excuse the fact that I live in the San Francisco Bay Area and that it was not safe to voice such scorned minority opinion; nonetheless, this lack of bearing true witness did not sit well with me.  I love my God and I believe in the sanctity of life and marriage:  why could I not bear witness to this.

I thought that if I looked over my life, I could find the core of the fear and weed it out…like magic I would be free of my fear.  I found most quickly that this attempt at an easy fix did not work.  I still feared to speak the truth.  Then I started week 13.  It seemed rather mundane to me…to look at the Old Testament and Jesus’ Jewish heritage.  Little did I know the graces that I would receive.  It has taken me about 3 to 4 weeks to move through the lessons and challenges found within the context and content of the lesson.  I think that it started with the question of “what do I long for from God” and the directive to learn “to ache with the world and its ancient longing for return and unity with its loving Creator.”  I realized that I long for freedom from all that keeps me from the love of my God and from my returning that love, i.e., freedom from my ego, my fears, my self.   I saw my fears and lack of true witness as hindering me in my love relationship with Love....

...And so I am so grateful for the many graces that I have received from week 13 on the on-line retreat and pray that I continue to bear true witness to the loving kindness and magnificent goodness of my God and the truth of His Word
I am beginning week 13 of the Online Retreat. I was so blessed to find this site in January, and the journey continues to bless. For me, the tremendous amounts of "grace reminders" have been so helpful. I am constantly and lovingly reminded that this is a journey. While I look at sins and failures, I'm also encouraged to turn everything over to God and let Him work even through them! What a profound gift.
I believe that the biggest grace for week thirteen happened right at the beginning of the week.  It just hit me that Jesus coming into the world was known and planned by God from the beginning of time.  It just always seemed to me that Jesus came in to the world because the people were not listening and paying attention to the God who had created them and sent them signs and messengers etc.  Then, with the information for this week it helped me to realize that while Jesus was sent into the world to save the world that His coming was planned from all time.
These past few weeks, the centering is on God and God's revealing self throughout time, like looking at God's personal scrapbook. After reflecting on today's readings, I am beginning to think that God loves being the "ultimate mystery".  I chuckled at the thought, as it rolled across my inward spiritual screen today, that God indeed loves being the  "Mystery". Jesus spoke in parables and puzzled the proud and ignorant and I agree, how could Elijah come again as John the Baptist. I think Jesus love his ability to be sharp. It's almost like a game. But what kind of game? Why are we always needing an explaination?

In child psychology there is the test of object permanence that little children play. (peek a  boo). We adults are kind of like this with God. It is only when we uncover our eyes and open them widely that we see God, yet God is always there, yet as mystery, until we seek to see more deeply. Only those who are sparked to seek and find are open to knowing God. You keep directing me towards the Trinity and I am learning that Trinity is God's self-portrait.

It is different with children, God is not found in the object permanence. Little children reveal God. They are so spiritually connected with God that they cannot be hidden from their master teacher who guides them and carries continual  conversation with their very souls.

So as I write and read what I just wrote here, I remember those things Jesus said about the children. I always attributed Jesus' words to mean "faith/belief". I never once thought that Jesus meant that we must reflect God as master teacher from within our souls as children and not play the game of object permenance with God as adults tend to do.

I see how desiring God is for us to long in our souls for this Emmanual. It appears as though the  Mystery is almost unknowable and unreachable and that our reaching out is only filling us piece by piece, like the bread at the table, not ever realizing the whole of God and yet there is given us- Emmanual. I wonder why. Week 13
God does not make clones.  Each of us is unique, precious, no two of us alike.  Yet it is such a pleasure to share, to see that we are alike - in some ways.  We are loved.  We love.  We wish to learn more about each other, about our beloveds.  We wish to be known, understood, loved.  Only God understands us perfectly.  We will never understand God - perfectly.  What a blessing it is to have the Old Testament, a kind of picture book.  It is such a good help in learning more about Our Most Beloved. We learn things to help us understand Jesus just a little better, a little more.

After 50 years of marriage, we are still learning things about each other.  Yesterday I learned something about my wife's childhood.  Something happened 80 years ago.  Now I understand her - just a little better.

All we have to do is listen, pray and listen and - pray.
The prayer Silently... was very powerful for me. It reminds me that all is for Purpose. He has a plan.
 
Then, of course, that fit with all the rest, the history from the Bible stories which directly relate to the life cycles of growing up. The search for Meaning, then having found direction the need for "Judges" to help deal with differences in our concept of Good, then our need for leadership and when the leaders get self absorbed the need for prophets to challenge them. And all this to establish a place of peace and harmony, a union with God, heaven. The model applies whether it is applied to governments, churches, schools, families, or individuals. Along the Way we are called on to fill these different roles in different ways
 
Patience to know, to listen for which roles I am to fulfill today, Silently...expectantly. Week 13.
The directions for this week are in contrast to the first few weeks of the retreat. Then, we were to review our life through reviewing old photo albums (figuratively or literally). This week we are to look at God’s photo album as it moves through salvation history. In reading a few of the suggested scriptures, and also reading the liturgical readings for the last couple of days, I recall Dorothy Day’s comments that God is not bound by time. She was saying something that had never occurred to me before: We can pray for things that happened in the past because with God there are not limits in time. He is Lord over the past and our prayers for things in past can bear fruit.

The Scriptures are also without time restraints in many ways. Reading the Genesis readings for the retreat and the Letters of Paul from the liturgical calendar, the concept of time explained by Dorothy Day came to mind because I was strongly struck with the fact that both readings were written today. It strikes me that God’s photo album (as seen in the scriptures) can be viewed as a series of digital pictures just taken of subjects still alive and in front of me. But his photo album can also a viewed as a series of old black and white photos reflecting images and subjects I will never actually see, but that reflect my very roots. God’s photos are new like the first cool breeze of fall and old like the depth of hard, dark wood.

The other thing I noticed about God’s photo album is that He puts a lot of unpleasant photos in his album of bad experiences. It’s not just a bunch of birthday parties. Week 13
Your suggestions about "waiting" in last week's general direction was a great help to me.  I am not a patient person...I hate standing in line for anything...and long traffic lights do me in!  I followed your direction last week and everything was so much better.  I almost looked forward to the "waiting" times so that I could be in touch with the spirit of Advent.  Thank you.  Looking at the album of Jesus and questioning him about some of his relatives was very rewarding and this week I am already walking with Mary the hills of Judea to the home of Elizabeth.  Thank for all the wonderful material and thoughts for this time of year.
I am starting week 13.  I did week 12 twice because I judged myself to be unfocused.  The second of these weeks was just as unfocused.  Until now, my retreat experience has been mostly one of insight and new-found love and intimacy.

Now, I am challenged with a desert-like experience where I thirst and feel distant from the one I love.  My heart longs for a sense of the intimate. Before this retreat my awareness stopped at this point and I felt abandoned and alone.  Now, I know that my heart's longing is itself my current expression of love and intimacy and that my Lord want the same thing I do. I will read and listen to his word.  I will look for Him and pray for an increased sense of His presence. 

I return to what I have learned in this retreat and I remember that He speaks to me in many ways. His love reaches me in many ways.  I reach for Him, too, in many ways.  Thank you Lord for changing my heart.  I will keep the change.

I have just started week 13 of the Retreat.  Until now, I haven't really read much of the sharings, then a couple of days ago I accidently hit the wrong computer key and printed out last weeks essays.  I was stunned to read two sharings that a year ago could have been written by me!  This message is to the people who don't believe that they can ever have a heart felt relationship with God. I started searching for God more than 30 years ago.  During that time I came to believe that God had rejected me.  Being Protestant that meant I was bound for Hell and eternal suffering.  I fought against this belief the best I could.  I went to church every Sunday, read the Bible daily, prayed and did all the things Christians should do.  I also went through periods where I just got tired of trying and did none of those things.  Then there were the years of anger toward God.  After all, I was trying to do everything I was supposed to do so where was He? Finally a year ago I decided to start over with the simple but complex question..Who is God?  I contacted churches and synagogues and asked to speak to people about this.  The almost universal answer was ..God is Love! One of the churches I contacted was a campus Catholic center.  The priest there took me under his wing and little by little I have gained a degree of real faith that I never had before. I did nothing different except that I listened to what I was being taught and allowed myself to accept it.  I stopped trying to take the Gift and instead allowed it to be given to me! For the first time in my life I can honestly say that God is real to me!  I can't thank Him enought for this Gift. Don't give up, no matter how long it may seem to take.  It's definitely worth it!  -- Susan
Week 14
Week 14. It's the first day of the week and I was frustrated when I opened the website. I had tried to encourage an old man to take his lunch without success, instead he turned the bowl upsdie-down. I felt as it I were 'useless'.

As I read the message of this week talking about the faith of Zechariah and Mary. I wonder how I should perceive God's act and presence in this event?
I am on week 14 of the on-line retreat.  It has been difficult for me this week trying to enter into the same spirit of faith and trust in God as  that of Elizabeth and Mary. So often, I cannot wait and keep still and quiet in the trust of God but instead create problems in my own relationships when I become despondant or frustrated in my life. Please pray for me. The retreat has given me many insights and graces.
It was nice to contemplate Zechariah, Elizabeth, Mary, and Joseph in the exercises for week fourteen.  I attempted to set aside special time with each of the three readings that were presented for this week.  The feeling that kept coming to me as I reflected on each of these people was questioning.  These were people of faith and I recognize that the questions that came to mind were probably more a reflection of me than of those whom I was contemplating.  At the time of and following the revelation of the special events that were part of each of their lives, did they question what was going on?  Did they doubt if the messenger was authentic?  Did they doubt if there would be a happy ending?  Did they doubt their abilities to fulfill the special responsibilities they were each entrusted with?  Obviously all of these people were people of faith and ultimately believed in faith what was presented to them.  It must have been a powerful experience for each of them to have the events in their lives play out just as messengers had told them.  Elizabeth did conceive and had a son whom they named John who then grew up to have a special role in preparing the people for the Messiah.  Zechariah was able to once again speak after the announced special event happened.  Joseph did marry Mary and she had a male Child whom they named Jesus who was God's Son.  Week 14
The hunger continues to grow.  It's a different kind of hunger from the ordinary hunger.  It has a little something in it that almost tastes good.  Isn't that funny?  It's a hunger that almost tastes good!

When we were children, the night before Christmas was like that.  There was an intensity in it.  We almost "couldn't wait."  The tension built and the hunger grew.  Then there was the morning and anticipation as we went to see what Santa had left us.  Then there was such pleasure, such joy.  We had been remembered, rewarded for being good, forgiven for being "bad."

Now we are older.  We are not old.  None of us is old.  We are all older, though.  We are growing and growing older.  We are not growing old, just growing and older. 

The hunger lasts longer.  The anticipation is sweeter.  Now we know what to expect.  Or do we?  Could we ever know exactly what to expect?  That doesn't matter, though because

He's coming!  He's coming!
Week 14 This week I have been extremely busy and it has been difficult to settle into the 35 or 40 minute period for the imaginative prayer with the readings.  I have been able to read "His Name is John".  I definitely was there in the temple and I could feel myself react the way Zechariah did.

I am like Elizabeth, an infertile woman who has longed for a child and has been unable to conceive.  I have come to terms with that and have moved on in my life, though the pain is there still under the surface.God has sent other beautiful gifts into my life and I, like Zechariah have been afraid to believe that God could do for me so many wonderful things after years of feeling as if God was punishing me .  He has given me a new heart, a conversion experience which has lead me into a beautiful love relationship with Him.

Until I could see Gods power and grace in my life, not in the birth of a child, but in the rebirth of my life with Him, I could not speak of His love for me, now like Zechariah I will praise God in all his glory.  My prayer and desire is to continue to grow in trust in God and to accept the difficulties and joys that are part of His plan for me. I am going to meditate on the words of the angel Gabriel  "Do Not Be Afraid"
In life it is easy for me to feel cheated because life is not everything I expected it to be.  People around me also disappoint me at times. Spouse, children, parents, siblings, co-workers, and friends are never as good as they could be. Because they are less than they could be, I sometimes believe that they prevent me from getting closer to my idea of the “perfect life.” When this happens to me, it is easy to be disappointed in the person or to get angry with the person. It is easy to lose hope and faith in the future. I know in my heart that there is no “perfect life.” I also know that any failings I see around me are because of my own sinfulness. If I were a better person, I could better accept the imperfections of those around me. If I were more perfect, like Christ, the people around me would grow and be better persons. In any relationship, I know there is no one factor that makes it less than perfect. But knowing these truths does not change my gut, emotional frustration with the people around me when they do not meet my expectations. This week, the shortcomings of several people were on my mind.

Maybe that is why God gifted me with focusing on St. Joseph this week. During this retreat, I usually read the readings in the order they appear in the guide. I will read one every day or every other day. For some reason, during the first day of this week, I jumped to the last reading of Matthew 1:18-24. This is the reading where Joseph is told by the angel to marry Mary. I found myself in the shoes of Joseph. In his shoes, I found myself in an arrangement where I will marry an attractive, young virgin. I expect to marry her, enjoy her physical and emotional support, raise a family with several children, and continue my work. What I end up with is a pregnant woman with whom I will never be physically intimate. I also end up with a child that is not my own who forces me to flee to Egypt. I have no children of my own. Yet, despite these unexpected events, despite the fact that many of the goals of my life will never be realized, and despite the fact that this woman is not what I expected, I accept the mother and child. I love the woman and child. I know them as my wife and son. I am able to let go of my expectations and any anger associated with giving up my idea of a “perfect life.” 

Joseph, like Mary, was able to say, “Not my will but Your will, Lord.” His actions also resulted in him “Exulting the Lord.” Hopefully, this exercise will help me to be more accepting and I too can exult the Lord in my small way by accepting the people around me and realize Christ is working in each of our lives.
As I near the end of week 14, I continue to find the exercises of the week challenging. It has been difficult for me to ‘enter into’ the scenes of Zecharia in the “Holy of Holies,” of Joseph in his dream, and of Mary with the Angel Gabriel. Distractions flood my mind as I attempt to focus on these scenes. In spite of these distractions, I feel closer to the family of Jesus. I started to wonder this week how Mary thought of herself. We are reminded often that we are sinners, but she never sinned. Did she consider herself a sinner? I doubt it. She certainly knew she was unworthy of the grace given to her, and she expressed that awareness in her Magnificat. It causes amazement when I consider her state. Totally sinless. How did she do it? She saw all the evil and injustice in her world, yet never succumbed to anger or hatred. Always doing the will of God, she lived her life perfectly. I pray for the grace to live the next minute or two perfectly, knowing that soon I will fall again into my sinful ways. Mary, Mother of God, pray for me. St. Joseph, pray for me. Jesus, have mercy on me

This week reminds me of being there with you Jesus, it was so real trying to keep awake as you prayed. It was so real the contemplation scared me . I could feel the wind at the mountain of olives, your presence was so close , the touch of your hem as you walked past me that I  'ran away' and you were gone. I WAS SO SCARED. I will try and be more trusting this time, Jesus, as I try to be humble instead of afraid,.This week I will contemplate your life with your family and friends from the beginning before you were born to Mary.You are with me today at this moment, dear Lord, everything is O.K. in my sadness.PRAISE GOD!!!!!

At the time when I was in trouble, I couldn't feel God's presence and love, but throughout the 14th week I found God is so faithful for me and my family, though I haven't trusted God so much. Even now I am not sure that if the things like Mary happened, I would answer 'yes'. Nonetheless, I can  believe this can happen. Because He is God and God is faithful. In this retreat I learned what the longing means and I'd like to ponder the "humility". 

Do you hear what I hear? (14) Faith-actual intimate trust in the Lord to lead us to the Kingdom. Mary, Joseph, Jesus, Elizabeth and all the people surrounding Christ birth were led. Trusting voices in the night.  Are we quiet?  Can we settle the noise of the day to hear the Father's call?  I am listening.  I have turned over control to the Father, Son and Holy Spirit.  He is speaking to me through people, actions and events.  I  consent to hear and follow his direction.

This is the second time I have gotten to the 14th week and run into a cement wall. I have no more interest in continuing than I did before. As another writer said, I know it in my head ( I've always been cerebral ) , but it's not getting out of there into my hands and heart. It was not like this when I started. I can conceptualize the many topics but have never been able to carry those thoughts around with me during the day. Once I'm out of my prayer room, it's business as usual. Say a short prayer for me that I may be able to break this barrier and by the grace of God. discover what I don't want to see or do that makes me stop well short of my goal.

I am in my 14th week and I feel as though the retreat is now starting to really touch me.  I am quite comfortable with this manner of prayer and have used it quite frequently with my 6th grade religious education class.  It does get the whole person involved and when used in a group there is usually much to share.  However, this is not the reason for my sharing.  This is the third day of this week and the same phrase is really jumping out at me.  It is from the "In these words..." section and it comes at the end - "Dear Jesus, help me to recognize the messenger".  I feel that I will have no problem getting to YES but I have the problem of who to say yes to.  Maybe I am looking for wings!  Maybe I am looking for halos!  Maybe I shouldn't be.  But that is one of my most repetitive prayers - please make it clear to me Lord for I am really unsure of where to go.  I don't want to waste any more time - I just want to recognize the direction to take.  Help me Lord.
During this 14th week as we were "in the story" I became very tired journeying with Mary on TWO trips from Nazareth - each about 90 miles one way - one to Ein Karim to visit Elizabeth (very close to Jerusalem), the other to Bethlehem, also very close (about 6 miles or so from Jerusalem). There is not a level place in the Holy Land and in those 9 days (according to the Posada tradition) there would have been overnight stops, the possibility of robbers on the highway, inconveniences of every sort.  i went with Mary to Elizabeth's.  The Bible doesn't say she travelled alone and in that time probably didn't.  I got cold at night and was really grubby when I arrived with her not having bathed in all that time, nor changing clothes much. The bread we ate was stale & dry and we had to use water sparingly.  What a great gift of love to Eliz. by a pregnant youngster!  The journey with Joseph to Bethlehem was a little less uncomfortable, for me, because there were so many of us on the road, all going to be counted.  This journey has not ended yet.

Beginning the 14th week of the retreat I am moved especially this moment by "Mary's Song of Praise".   Had I never read this in Luke I'm thinking?  Why suddenly when I need to keep praising for unanswered ???'s does this song suddenly pop up for me.   It says just what I needed to hear this day.   I am so moved to tears by the simple HE CARES FOR ME.    It spoke directly to my heart this time, not just my head. This on line retreat was just another of the many many gifts Jesus has blessed me with.   But first I had had to spend many many yrs. in the valley wanting death to be able to look back now at HIS hand in my life process. God Bless everyone involved in setting this up.    Thank you....I love each of you.

In the 14th week of this retreat I am vascillating between euphoria  in the joy and blessings of new trust in god and despair over past sins and cowardice, and laziness. Especially painful are memories and imagination. Especially joyous and amazing is the help of the holy spirit and blessed mother. Creighton's daily retreat is a godsend, the Jesuits encouraging coaches. God bless their work. God keep us all. Merry Christmas to all retreatants and our coaches. 

I've been working so hard to become a better Christian.  Last week I came to the realization that what is holding me back is a lack of trust.  What a blessing this week (14) to hear the stories of Mary, Joseph, Elizabeth, and Zechariah.  They each were challenged by God.  To meet that challenge they had to have a deep trust in God and in others.  I pray that I can learn to have even a drop of the trust that these great people had.
As the phone rings at 5:15am for my husband to go to work on a power outage because someone's house was on fire, it gave me time this morning to think about advent and why did God choose that particular time to send his son, he could have done it sooner, or even later, he could have even chosen now to send his son, but God choose Mary and the time of 2000 years ago. As I was thinking it occurred to me that perhaps people where so caught up in the rules that they forgot what it was like to be part of God's kingdom, not so unlike today but perhaps more so back then. We get caught up in the rules of the church that we have forgotten the one thing that Jesus came to teach us LOVE, if we all just Loved ourselves and one another we would not need to light any candles needing to light those dark places in our lives or light any candles for others. We would have all the peace and justice we would need to live here and we would have heaven on earth just like in the Lords prayer. However I am grateful that God loved me enough to send Jesus and to choose Mary, I am grateful for this exercise, and for God showing me the places that are still dark in my life, the places that I have not let go where I still let people trespass on me (kinda like a grudge towards the people who have caused me pain) I am grate full that I can ask God to show me where my life is still dark and he will show me if I but look. Thank you for this exercise during advent. Thanks to Ignatus for looking and listening to God and showing us all a better way. thank you.
From the 'guideposts".....Mary wants to serve God "but does it have to be so hard".   The hard part struck my soul and heart and tears began to flow.  Here it is the week before Christmas and the family is fighting, our Chicago weather is horrible,  and one of the Churches where I work said I am not needed because they have a new resident  priest. ....  there went half of my monthly income which helps to support my 87 year old mom.  I will try this 14th week and try to live 10 or 15 minutes at a time.  I forgot to mention also that the home heating units seem to be breaking.  One friend said to me  that even when we try to do good it doesn't mean all will be peaches and cream; we have to let God lead the way...we can't control or manipulate God.
In our faith-sharing group last week, one person said that Week 14 had shown her a new way to pray.   She has been a daily communicant for years, receiting the Rosary, making the Stations, receiting other prayers, but Ignatian contemplation is new to her.   She said she's looking forward to contemplating the Passion.   Well, she'll begin with the Incarnation this week!   This retreat is teaching me how to pray and also how others pray. I'm learning how to help others to pray.  WOW  what a blessing! 
This is my first sharing and I am very anxious to go ahead and say what has popped into me this evening.    I am in week 14 and I was reading the annunciation and sorting out the various figures in the story to attach myself to and picture myself there.    Suddenly I realized that I feel like Joseph must have felt.    Angry!
I have been caring for my sick wife for over 12 years. I did not ask for this assignment.    LikeJjoseph hearing from Mary that she is pregnant and stunned by this revelation of having to let go of the fantasy of marrying and having a 'normal' life he must decide what to do. He never had a chance to discuss this with Mary nor with God. God just ups and places him in the position of having to decide.    Not only whether to believe Mary, but also what does his love for Mary actually mean.    I know the story of Joseph having a dream which reassures him,    Yet he must decide to honor his love for Mary and do what God asks of him.    So I was sitting there feeling all this anger when my heart felt that was not the total story.    I have not had any dreams to tell me I must or should remain faithfully married to my wife, but I have felt with certainty this is what I must do.    Not for her but for me.    And not really for me as much as for the notion of doing what is plainly in front of me and over which I clearly have complete freedom to chose one way or the other.    People around me say I must 'have a life' and so on and I have given up the reply of 'this is my life!' and have slowly left my social contacts.    I have deepened instead my spiritual contact with God, towards whom I direct alternatively lots of anger, then resignation, then renewal, then peace of knowing that I absolutely do not know what to do (about being so tired) other than keep doing these exercises and downloading every sunday the next week's retreat. Thank you for having this on the web.
Week 15
I am starting the 15th week of retreatI.  I am a little afraid of my human ineptness.   But I want so to experience what I suddenly experiened during my prayer after communion twice last week.  My own thoughts were suddenly and completely interrupted by an intense,  powerful, and very warm presence.  I had to struggle to let go.
Using my imagination to contemplate the birth of Jesus and the events that surrounded it during week fifteen was not as easy as it initially seemed it should be.  This was partly because I would stop and wonder if what I was picturing would be accurate to the time and place when the events occurred.  However, I did pray before I began and did let my imagination work to create the scenes.  The most special grace would have to be that of imagining holding Mary's hand while she was giving birth.  At one point I was just focused on her hand in mine without seeing her, Joseph, or the coming baby.  It was strangely special.  It was a human moment.  A moment that became more special as I contemplated it later.  It was a connection on a human level between two people.  As I am writing now and thinking it seems as though at that point in my imagination it was her wanting my support as she went through the human process of giving birth.  But in reality, it is probably more me needing her support as I seek to live my human life in concert with her Son.
I was reading through the section "in these or similar words" and was suddenly struck by this thought: the writer of this section was praying and thinking with the traditional understandings about Jesus' "humble" birth. Jesus was born in a stable, smelly, cold, rough. As the song goes, "the little Lord, Jesus, no crib for his bed." We usually think of Jesus' birth in this way-Jesus came to poor humble people as a sign that he would be savior to those in need. He came into poverty.

But, here's what occurred to me-the baby, Jesus, was born with everything he needed! He had loving parents who warmed him with their love; He had Mary and her breast and her mother's milk. It's our perspective that more comfortable surroundings would make a difference. A palace without love is a cold scary place, but a rough stable filled with love had everything that the baby needed.
If we can agree that love is the meaning of life, then Jesus was born with everything he needed. Maybe he was born this way to show us this truth. Where there is love we have everything we need too. When we love God and each other we are that loving place filled with everything God needs to be with us. Despite our faults, our weakness, our sinfulness, when we have love God has everything God needs to work in and through us. Jesus' birth wasn't humble, it was glorious because of love! Week 15
It is difficult for me to "get into" the family scenes to better understand those that were early influences on Jesus.  I have had too much; I have doubted too much.  However, I am trying each day to enter into and become a part of this blessed family's circle.  I cannot imagine that Week 15 will only last seven days for me.  Each day I walk with a good friend, and I am turning the part of the journey when I am alone into that long and arduous walk to Bethlehem.  I am calming the donkey that carries Mary; I am touching her hands; I am feeling the back pain that must attend her pregnancy and the jolting of the donkey's footsteps; I am walking beside Joseph, worrying about the consequences of this trip at such a time.  Beloved God, allow me to feel some of the pain, the anxiety, and the fear of this journey.  At the same time let me taste some of the joyful anticipation that must also be there.
Reflecting on the nativity, I sense the magnificence of being part of a family with children. It is the vocation of Mary and Joseph. And for the first time, I noticed that the nativity involves the only instance in my recollection of scripture where an unnamed, average person sees and speaks with an angel. This happens with the shepherds. It seems relevant that this event occurs with the birth of Christ. With the coming of Christ into our lives, it is like we are visited by a angel who brings us an unbelievable message that seems to go unnoticed in history and to most of those around us.  Lord, let me know your presence through your angels. I wait in the fields of my labor, just an average person doing an average job. Be born unto me again. Week 15
At the beginning of the week, I found myself having trouble entering the scenes of Jesus birth and infancy. Today, during my hour of adoration and with the help of the “In these or similar words” section (Thank you, whoever wrote those words), I held the babe in my arms. I smelled the manure and the urine in the hay, and even imagined burping the infant Jesus after Mary fed him (I could almost feel Him spitting up just a little). As I knelt there in this scene, it occurred to me that if one focuses on the filth of the barn-like surroundings one misses the beauty of the gift that is present. In a similar way, if one focuses on all the ‘evil’ in the world, one misses the beauty of life. It was for me a moment of awakening. Again, thank you to whoever wrote the beautiful ‘words’ section for this week. It truly opened a door for me. 

Thank you very  much for all the special on-line helps around Christmas. I loved week 15 and 15A - I guess it is because I love Christmas.  I followed your prodding "to find a bit of straw in the stable and to sit." As I tried to be unobtrusive and quiet I was astonished at the beauty of Mary as she cradled her baby.  She signed to me that I could hold him.  I did and gazed into those unseeing eyes - but were they really unseeing like other babies of a few days?  I was not sure.  I felt the warmth of his tiny body  permeate me as he waved his little arms and wriggled against me.  He was so like other babies and yet he wasn't - I wanted to protect him and yet he was protecting me and at the same time reaching out to the whole world.  I stayed a long time in the stable...and have visited often...and been gifted beyond measure.

I have been so wrapped up with myself, my husband, and our families that it seems that there has not been time to get to my retreat material.  I just printed the most necessary parts to see what I have been missing.  I stopped reading during my Week 15.  While I can justify doing this: perhaps I am grieving the attachment of losing my husband, who is gravely ill (I have him at home and I am the sole caregiver), my grandson who went to court this past week to plead guilty for drunken driving in which three of his friends were killed (all were drunk) (he has not been sentenced yet) but it doesn't sound good.  My grandson is only 30 years old with lots of potential.  I am sure God will see that that potential is realized.  But the pain of it all is almost more than I can see for myself.  I really am not looking for material riches and I thought I have been trying to find the spiritual poverty in my life, but during these past weeks it has been hard to find much peace.  Last Sunday is the first Sunday I have been able to attend Mass.  A caregiver helper which I met by accident at the WalMart asked me what I needed. I needed someone to relieve me of some of my duties and she suggested coming on Sunday morning so that I could go to Mass.  A miracle for this to happen.  Father Mancini came and gave John the last rites within minutes when I though he was dying last week. Another miracle.  Other Holy Spirit things happening that same afternoon.  It would take pages to describe it all.  Only until tonight when I was guided to my computer which has not been on all of that time.  I have been praying but how much I have needed the guidance of this retreat to help me.  It would be good if I could have someone to discuss some of the things with, but I guess God want just me and Him to figure it all out.  Sometimes I see myself as being too old to have much life left after He takes my husband but I guessed tonight that that has been corrected very gently by Him.  The first response of the Outline for Week 18, I am guilty; The second response, I have been guilty for many years, always justifying what I want and translating it to what "I know" God wants.  My desire is becoming purer.  I can recognize a little of what He is doing.  I only want what will be of greater service to God.  Perhaps peace will come as my husband still clamors to hang on to life.  I pray that God would take him peacefully.  I have only been married to him for 11 years yesterday and today during the Week 16 Online introduction I wished I had all the answers to my John that the writer was asking asking questions on what do we know about Jesus.  I am so sorry for my failures.  Thanks for your internet intercessions on behalf of all of us who need to know ourselves better only as we can know Jesus better.  God Bless. 
What a refreshing study this week (15) is turning out to be.  During the actual Christmas season, life is too complicated and rushed to really meditate on the birth of Christ as this week suggests we do. The Christ is delighted to have me come and visit His birthplace, His mother and Joseph and all the rest of the characters so real and beloved. God continues to enrich our spirits with new ideas.  Thank you for your contribution with this retreat to this senior citizen's spiritual growth.

Week 15 and focusing  in on Jesus'  "hidden years."  I mean, what did He do for 18 years-12 to 30?  What did I do?  I grew up.  He did too.  My father divorced my mother when I was 14 and it was devestating.  Did Joseph pass when Jesus was about 14 and did He say to Himself, "I'll have to be the man of the family and take care of Mother."  Did He spend His time carpentering and studying?  He was growing, learning, loving and did His duty to His mother until it was His Time to show His Light to those outside His immediate family.  Jesus at 14 is much to ponder.  Don't you know He had a great smile!

During the past year, I have struggled mightily with my mental health.  I was involved in what proved to be a disastrous romantic relationship.  There is an ugly and deep-seated hostility festering between a once close family member and me.  I am wondering just where I can wedge a light for the Christ Child in my tattered and frantic heart.  After much prayer and soul searching, I know now that I do not have to be the perfect receptacle as I await the coming of our Emmanuel.  I need only hollow out a small place of watchfulness and anticipation and peace. Mary and Joseph could not have fully understood the bone-deep changes their newborn would bring to their lives.  During this holy time in the dark of December, may I give birth to an unexpected me.
Gracious God, most loving, generous One -- thank you for the gift of your son, Jesus, whom you gave to us so that we might begin to understand how beloved we are.  As a mother, and a grandmother, I have often pondered this gift.  Today, I realize that in giving us Jesus, you give us yourself -- your very self.  We can never really understand this.  We can only bow with wonder and humble gratitude.  Our only response can be to give back  what you have given us -- Love -- and to do so to each one we encounter, as best we can, murmuring our prayers as we go.  Thank you, Holy One.
Thank you for the deep communion I feel with my Catholic brothers and sisters.  I am a protestant pastor and have been so nurtured and nourished by this retreat.   Christ is so very Large, and yet as tiny as a new born.   God Bless and Thank you!

Week 15 and getting into  and being with the relatives of Jesus-Uncle Zechy and Aunt Lizzy we'd say down South.  Last night in our parish we celebrated a Mass for the unborn and said a rosary prior to Mass.  I live in the Baptist bible belt and I sometimes joke with my Baptist friends, "You don't like Mary?"  The rosary sounds like it's all about Mary when really it's all about her Boy-the focus is on Him.  How can we get to know somebody unless we know his kinfolks?  I had not said the rosary for several months and had forgotten the special "calming" graces of all those Hail Marys.  At times last night I would just sit and listen to the soothing hum of my fellow parishioners, "Holy Mary, mother of God, pray for..."  Last night I awoke and felt that same calmness and serenity as I drifted back to delicious sleep.  "Forgive us our tresspass as we forgive..."  just will calm your soul my dear brothers and sisters.  The Saints are smiling at us - can you see 'em?

Week 15a
The main grace that I believe I received in the review of Week 15a was to look back over all of my past sharings.  I am trying to share at the end of each week so this was a nice review of the last fifteen weeks of my journey.  There were many special graces that the Lord has blessed me with.  In our fast-paced multi-tasked world, it is easy to let some special moments slip into the background when they could bear much more fruit in the foreground of life.  This week enabled me to pull from the background some of those special moments of grace that have occurred in the last fifteen weeks.  It was nice!
I am grateful for this time to reflect back on the graces I  have received and to revisit areas that I need to delve a little deeper. Thank you for building this into the retreat.  This has been a rough week, many challenges, the in between time has been sparse.  During  a lunch break this week, I asked a mother who brings her young infant into my work almost every day, if  I could hold the baby.  She allowed me to, and there I was in the quiet of the room.  I sat quietly with the infant and kept thinking how Jesus became so vulnerable as a baby.   How  can I even grasp this?  God becoming so small, for us.  I feel small at times, weak, and when I looked at this infant  I  realized what a gift it is to be small and dependent on the One who made us. (Week 15A)
What a relief to have a week of review.  I have been keeping an online journal in bits and pieces throughout this retreat, but the further I get into the retreat the less time it seems that I have to write down my thoughts and feelings. Perhaps there is an element of fear there.  If I write down my reflections, that makes them more real in one sense.  Thoughts running around inside my head can be as wild as I like, but words on paper - or even on a screen - seem to acquire some weight which makes them more significant.
 
As I review the graces so far, I have to admit that I have come farther on the road to Jesus than I could ever have imagined by such a seemingly simple method as an online retreat.  And I am grateful that the journey continues and keeps going.  For while God might be an odd travel director by conventional standards, I find myself wanting nothing more than to continue this journey. Week 15a.
I wondered last week whether I was supposed to do weeks 15 and 15a at the same time, but decided to go the long way and do them separately (without looking ahead, that is). It is good that I did, for two reasons. First, it is clear that they are meant to be done one at a time, and second, I needed this time to look back over the first 15 weeks. The pictures helped, but what really did it for me was reading the sharing notes for those weeks. Some were recognizable as my own, but all brought back the images of the weeks. All also helped me see my progress. It amazes me to realize how much more at peace I am with myself and with Jesus. I have been praying all along for the grace of perseverance to finish all 34 weeks of this retreat, and now feel energized to continue and to stick with it. Lord, help me, I cannot do it without You. And thank You for the blessings You have bestowed on me.

For a couple of weeks my retreat stayed the 15th-a week. Just remained there and savored what I have received last weeks as the help said. And this week's retreat lead me to the deep contemplation. Especially I often contemplated the meaning of Jesus' poverty. I tried to find His coming into the poverty of my lives. As the time passed, My everyday's lives seem to make more connection with the graces that I have received through the journey.

Day 215 (review week - 15a)  I have been visiting Jesus, Mary and Joseph in the stable at Bethlehem. I have sat in awe of this Infant, a sign of God’s Love, (as all infants are, or should be), and thought of His life, together with Mary and Joseph. I tried not to think in terms of His Godliness (and their Saintliness), but rather of their humanity. I saw in Jesus a human being, who gradually came to know who He truly was, and His destiny. I saw in Mary and Joseph loving parents who surrendered themselves to the Holy Spirit, although they too were not sure of where It would lead them. I saw the Holy Spirit revealing to them what their lives were all about as day followed day, as event followed event, until that Last Day, when Jesus was crucified. "After this, aware that everything was finished, and in order that the scripture might be fulfilled", Jesus said, "I thirst". I thought of the moments just before His death, when he gave his mother Mary to his disciple John as her son, and to John, his mother Mary. I saw in this act Jesus’ love and concern for Mary. The future of a childless widow was not very promising in those times, and so Jesus, as his last act, ensured the safety of Mary, as he placed her in the care of John. Having followed the human Jesus from his birth to his death, I will, like his disciples, now glory in His resurrection, and adore and worship Him as God, the Second Person in the Blessed Trinity. I’m not sure if my thoughts are theologically correct, and hope they offend no one. It’s just my way of trying to understand, and distinguish the two natures of Jesus, and what it means to be "fully human" and "fully divine". 
Week 16
It was interesting to contemplate the life that Jesus led before his public ministry in week sixteen of the Retreat.  One of the images that really stuck in my mind through the week was of a Jesus as a toddler running around the family dwelling just screaming in fun.  As I imagined Jesus maturing, I needed to keep in focus that Jesus was like us in everything except sin.  Therefore, since Jesus had many human experiences, he never did anything that would be sinful.  Another image that stood out to me was Jesus as a young adult as his friends were getting married.  He celebrated with them and rejoiced with them but somewhere deep inside himself he knew that having a wife was not something that he was called to do.  I sensed as he matured that he would get in touch with this place deep inside of Him where he could find his true self. Week 16
Getting closer to Jesus, the adult, is a chore for me.  I can feel close to God, but not to this older brother…maybe because I never had, or was, an older brother.  The exercise of trying to know and feel these things is the important part, though I can never know the Truth of it all this side of death, and maybe not ever. 

I have always loved the story of the birth, the bravery of the parents, their ability to be “pioneers” and camp outside, even while He was being born – the closeness to the Earth of that birth – the animals and shepherds.  As a child (and sometimes now) I always wanted to find the star on Christmas Eve – to know that it was The Star, and to have the level of understanding of the physical cosmos, and belief in the mysteries of heaven that seemed to be there in the Wise Men.

The part of Jesus, the boy, to which I relate, is that part that resembles Samuel – the part that wants to be in the temple, “about my Father’s business”.  I know what it is to be the oldest child - the pros and cons of caring for the younger siblings, having special responsibility.  Needing to learn my father’s craft would be such a gift – that wonderful smell of new-cut wood and of things coming together, as well as the comaraderie.  I can feel that close relationship with my mother, so close that some people would say boys shouldn’t be that gentle, that caring.  Being a boy is difficult for me to relate to, but in these things I can.

I can understand wanting to get away to learn more, to follow what is laid out for me, even though I am not quite sure yet what that may be – both excited by the possibilities and frightened of the danger. I know what it is to have people think I am wise, or brave, and to know for myself that I am anything but that. Week 16
One begins to do what one is to do in this life at age 30.  At least that's what we were told many years ago.  Of course that isn't always true.  It is sometimes, though.  It was true of Jesus.  Or was it?  A person with a "Doctorate" and I were talking.  I pointed out another possible interpretation of something this person saw in one way only.  The "Doctor" said, "I am right.  After all, I've been teaching this for more that 20 years."  We are always learning and doing, teaching and showing, aren't we?  Babies are wonderful learning experiences for parents.  I dare you to deny that!  People who are in their eighties sometimes change their minds, don't they?  It's true Mary and Joseph - and many others - taught Jesus.  It's also true He brought to the learning His abilities.  It's rather obvious both are needed: learning experiences and ability to learn and do.  Our environments, experiences and what we do, both, combine to "make" us what we are.  And, yet, there is somehow more to us than that.  There is a kind of unlimited thing, part of us, spirit, soul.  That's why thirty years or three years or even 30 minutes (or even three minutes?) are enough!  That spirit part exists in time and eternity.  God made us and supplies the experiences, gives us the example of Jesus.  We can do as He does.  We can rise again.  Thank God!
What a wonderful exercise this has been.  I found myself in the background of my day, thinking about Jesus in a new way .  The hidden life of Christ is so fascinating , I have often wondered about Jesus, but never used this imaginative exercise before so I did as best I could. The few graces I did receive while contemplating Jesus as a toddler, young boy , and very young adolescent make me love him even more.

I envisioned the inquisitive toddler , wide eyed and getting into everything, touching Joseph's tools, playing at Marys'' feet and being under foot.  I loved thinking of Him exploring this world . I then had a wonderful scene with Jesus as a young child  playing outside and taking giddy pleasure in watching a frog jump... then looking up close at a flower and loving all of nature.... playing and chasing a puppy or a sheep.  I saw a curly haired boy with dirt on his face, getting into everything that was available... so bright and inquisitive about everything.

I thought about Jesus being wide eyed, studying people, but in particular , Mary and Joseph ; watching them do their daily chores, how they responded  to family and friends with love and learning.  He must have loved being at Joseph's side as a young boy, wanted to help in the shop, and as most little boys do feel that Joseph was the smartest man in the world.

He was very bright, but not overly aggressive as a young child, that may have come as he needed to compete with the other young boys. He learned his prayers, the scriptures at his fathers side, Joseph took him to synagogue, what did he feel inside when he listened to the psalms? Did it strike a chord of deep familiarity, this is something in his very soul...so much apart of him?

I wondered how adolescence must have been like for Jesus, did he feel his oats a bit and rebel as most adolescences do... remember the temple? Did he feel a temptation to want boast or show how well he could do everything... He did everything well.

I was wondering how did he notice young women, did he compete for attention like the other boys?

I need more time... so much to meditate on...thank you for giving me this beautiful experience.

It would be great to continue to think on this and remember that Mary, Joseph helped form him and that he was delighted, frustrated, inquisitive, contemplative, sullen, and joyful in His hidden years and remained faithful and obedient always. 
Week 16. I did not feel too compelled to probe Christ’s hidden life this week, but maybe I did despite myself. I kept feeling content with the few snapshots of the flight to Egypt and the finding of Christ in the temple. For me these fragments did fit well with this week’s photograph of the dark-skinned, poor boy of about 11 years of age. It was truly a picture of the child Jesus. The picture gave a beautiful image to the fragments in scripture about the hidden life. This image did not allow me to enter a scene of the hidden life, but I did find a grace from the Holy Spirit. I recalled how often Jesus identified with children when he described the basics of faith, love, relationships and fidelity with God. I think he turned to children to pass-on his message because it was such a strong image for him. I am sure that it had to do with Mary’s ability to love. I am sure he experience the most perfect love any human has ever had for God in the way his mother loved him. Maybe, it became the perfect image of love for him: the love his mother gave to God in caring for him. Maybe that love was the example that allowed him to understand the importance of the cross.
When I imagined the scene of Mary and Joseph coming back to the temple to find Jesus, I could not help but think that I saw, after the initial worry and relief, Mary recognized in her Son a glimpse of coming of age and maturity.  Mary possibly even seemed somewhat pleased to find Jesus in these circumstances  instead of say playing with the other children His age in the market square.  I reasoned that Mary was not that much older than Jesus when she brought Him into this world.  Also by our present day standards Mary is still a young woman at this point. Admittedly I was reluctant about trying to image myself in the moments of the last few weeks.  I do not consider myself to have a free flowing imagination.  However, by accepting to go with the suggestions, the last few weeks exercises have been surprisingly insightful.

I am trying again.  I am beginning week 16 after several weeks of being "stuck ".  I have found other wonderful resources to fill the void during this time however, and praise God for the abundance of resources available in this country.  I thank God for the wonderful Christian friends in our Bible study, the obedient priests in our city and the opportunity to serve which allows me to see Christ in others. Praise God!
This is my 16th week of this wonderful retreat. What an incredible experience of exploring  and deepening my relationship with Jesus. It is so heartening to have so many people on this journey and so many people praying for me. I am praying for you also. God Bless and keep all of us.
I will be on retreat from January 3 to January 10 at a Trappist Monastery and will use week 16. I will not have internet access but would ask those making this week of retreat to remember me in their prayers and I promise to share upon my return. I will also pray each day for those who are praying for me.  Thank you, Maureen 
Week 17
Week seventeen of the retreat caused me to look at my life and the desires that are part of it.  I knew that I too often act on my desire to achieve the recognition of others.  However, I was surprised to find throughout the week the multitude of my behaviors and responses that were part of my life in order to look good in the eyes of others.  I can feel the yearning in my heart for a detachment from all of this and the freedom that I can find only in God.  However, I am further away from this freedom and the desire for this freedom than  I thought I was.  I pray that God will help me to desire and ultimately live in the freedom that can come only from God.
During this week (17) ,  I have seen myself in a light that I do not always take the time to see, that is a quietly prideful person.  Pride as bragging has not been my style, but this week, I noticed times when I felt superior, or smug in my mind .  This week has really made me aware of a subtle sin, a sin that is very damaging to me and in my relationships.  I want to be more like Christ, and be more humble , and by that I mean open to God.

There is always a choice to be made day by day, moment by moment , and the seduction of pride, comforts, and putting myself first is there.  The choice of looking at Jesus's patterns of living and imitating these are my desire.

I love to meditate on Mary and I know that she will lead me closer to her Son .  She was humble and trusting in so many situations, she chose the good, never the easy.

Please give me the grace to choose  good over evil. Thank you for this week.
Week 17  Lord, take what I don’t need which is everything but you. More importantly Lord, remind me every day that I need nothing but you. Especially take those items of self-infatuation. Let me lean towards humility where peace is abound.
The 16th week of retreat lasted so long . At that time almost everyday I was so tired with my work and was always so busy. So I thought maybe I couldn't continue this retreat. But the 17th week's retreat gave me a chance to reflect on myself in everyday life. Then I realized that my busy works resulted from having something outside me affirm myself. they surely  must root in my desires-especially riches, pride- unlike the way of Jesues' desires. Now I'd like to newly start my retreat and live the way of Jesus' desires differently from my life before.
I'm on week 17 - two ways of desiring. I realise how much of my life, particularly in my work, is based on wanting honour, so that I fret and worry terribly when facing even mild failures and am envious of other people's successes. I don't know where I'm heading at the moment. Please pray for me.
The first full week of January (17) this retreat challenged us to think and pray about poverty, dishonor, and humility.  What a direct hit that was for me.  Through my mistakes (humiliation) I am possibly facing bankruptcy. Right now I am not able to keep up with the payments I owe to my creditors (poverty).  If indeed, after meeting with a counselor, I find out I will have to file for bankruptcy (dishonor), my spirits will be very low.  Some people might say I won't have any problems then, my debts will be wiped out.  However, it is something that will stay on my credit report for 10 years.  It will keep me from purchasing anything on time, particularly a car or house.  I have kicked myself enough, now I turn to God.  I thank God the Catholic Church has the Sacrament of Reconciliation.  It gives us a chance to start over and awakens God's Spirit within us.  I hope society will forgive me for not being able to pay my debts.  I feel broken, humiliated, and an outcast because of my problems.

This week I respond to God.  I talk to Him and tell Him I want whatever will bring Him honor and glory.  I know my financial troubles have been the center of my life for a long time.  Now it is time to place God in the center.  All gifts come from Him.  I need only to place my total trust in Him.

Most Gracious God, I beg your forgiveness for my failures in this life. Strengthen my resolve to trust in Your faithfulness to me.  May all that I do, all the lives I touch today, bring honor and glory to Your Sovereign Majesty.   Remind me often, You are near especially when my fears overwhelm me.  Thank You for loving me and for choosing me to be one of Your followers.  May I never forsake my promise to remain close to You.  Amen.

Although some parts of this retreat have been a blessing, many parts have been difficult.   The Annunciation stayed with me for over two weeks as I considered the greatness of Mary in her response --  and whether I am saying "yes" in accepting God's love in my life. As this new year begins, I pray to follow Mary's example of trust -- her trust in the Annunciation, in going to
Egypt, in letting Jesus go on His mission as a young man, and in standing at the cross.  None of these were easy things to do -- and would have been impossible if she didn't trust God.

As I considered "pride, honor, riches," (17) it came to me that Mary rejected all of them at the annunciation -- and her "yes" continued faithfully throughout her life.  She lived with humility, dishonor and poverty.  Actually desiring these things still seems alien to me, but it is becoming obvious that that is where dependence on God leads. 


Week 17a
Week 17a. I have been very upset and down this week. A friend has left without saying a word. I am not happy that I did not know he's leaving.

Then I read 'all is gift'. If all is gift, I cannot force. One shoud give or accept willingly.

Lord, everything is a gift from you. Help me see your grace and presence in things that I do not understand or I even do not like. Help me remember that you are always there to protect me and love me. Nothing is more important than clinging to you.
In the "For the Journey" section of Week 17a, there were a few powerful lines that stood out for me.  "Most of the great saints of history have had to live in the presence of their pasts.  They had to face how fragile their sense of fidelity might be."  What a comfort to be reminded of this.  I need to be able to live with all aspects of my past -- the good as well as the sinful.  I also need to be able to live with the possibility that I may not always make the right decisions and fall in to sin in the future.  There is a sense of freedom in realizing that.  Eight weeks ago I prayed for the strength, faith, and courage to live out my 'yes' to the Lord.  I know that I can not let past failures nor the possibility of future ones hold be prisoner.  I must always move forward and always try to do the right.  I have to trust that the Lord guides me and is pleased in my goodness and picks me up in my failures.
As our Lord faced the temptaions of this world, he also showed us how to overcome them because God is all powerful, and all power comes from Him for his glory and through Him through Jesus Our Lord, and empowerment of the gifts of the Holy Spirit. the evil ones continue to test God's followers by testing us as in the gospel of Mathew, to want power, fame, fortune, prestige of the world.

To OVERCOME these temptations, We focus on our all powerful Lord God, by trusting in God, that God will provide for all our temporal and well as spiritual needs and to keep in mind that things of this world do not last. To overcome the wants for worldly desires we, focus on service to others for by loving others we are loving God and doing His will. Thank you Blessed Trinity for guiding us in this journey. Amen  Week 17a
My state of life.  Sometimes I just don't see that "I have all I need." I can list things I don't have, that others have, and start down the road to desolation (are the ninth and tenth commandments meant to help us not go down this road?)  Wish I had more money, friendship, excitement...but I know I have good health, family, and an established career, one that was chosen wisely and carefully invested in over the years.  (You must have been guiding me, Lord!). I fight a daily panic to accomplish more, head off worries, and flee desolation...

But as I reflect I see the many comforts.  My desire now is to see the goodness of my daily life, and be thankful each day.  But since this has been a struggle for me on my own, Lord, I will need your help.
Week 17a, another ‘twofer’, and I can’t help but observe how few comments are found in this transition week. The week has been difficult for me, too, in that I have had less time than in other weeks to concentrate on the theme(s) of the week. It is another invitation to look back at our experience of the retreat so far. In many ways, I see that I have traveled far. At the same time, there is a sense in which I remain where I was at the start. Still a little reluctant to completely ‘let go and let God,’ yet much more aware of His presence and of His call to become what I was created to be. I struggle with my worldly life and its demands. I want to be more attentive to Christ but, like St. Paul, I continue to do the things I don’t want to do rather than the things I intend. I cannot do it alone as I have tried to do for so long. I need Christ. I pray for an ever-growing love for Him and His people, and for the grace to ‘do whatever He tells me.’
I'm stalled out here at week 17 review.  This retreat has been an awesome experience for my spiritual life.  It has really helped me become closer with God to the point that I may be afraid to go deeper, that he may tell me things I don't want to hear.  The graces that I have experienced are overwhelming.  I have and continue to receive more than I deserve.  Part of the problem is that I over commit myself and then everything I try to accomplish suffers.   I need to simplify things and re-prioritize my work tasks with I Am Third.   Reading the other sharing's has helped and I know that I need to spend more time sharing my faith with others in person.  I try to attend Mass on Tuesdays and Thursdays at 6:30 am and unfortunately missed both last week and this has compounded my problems. I know how important it is to keep with my prayer schedule and 'm committed to sticking with it and actually increasing prayer when things seem the most hectic.   Some of the Graces that I received just this last weekend; my three year old son sang me the first song that he has learned (I see Blue Skies), I spent some real quality time with my father, my wife was off on retreat for the weekend and she came home Sunday night aglow with the Lord, I went on a fantastic bike ride with my seven year old daughter and one of my best friends and his son on a warm sunny day and our Priest blessed my daughter at communion with the Eucharist, he has only done this one other time, she makes her first communion this May. 

Week 18
The three kinds of responses in week 18 made me look at the way that I handle certain things in my life.  I have many good intentions and desire to do many good and right things and to cease the behaviors that are not what they should be.  However, all too often I procrastinate beginning or fail to follow through.  They are quite often a part of my thoughts but the actions just do not materialize.  I plan and even desire to do them and just never seem to start or follow through with the good intentions.  This is the response I have to way too many things.  This response tends to lead to a sense of uneasiness.  I also sometimes rationalize as the second kind of response indicates.  But, in far too few instances I totally let go and hand it over to God's will.  This is by far the response that ends up bringing about the most happiness and peace.  The other two responses leave a sense of longing or a continued need for rationalization and these take away the sense of peace and happiness that can be found only when the situations are placed totally in God's hands.
The Prayer For Detachment stopped me.  It was a little like hitting a brick wall.

"Remove anything that makes me unworthy of your sight, your control, your reprehension, of your speech and conversation, of your benevolence and love."

That translates into: Remove anything that makes me not worth looking at, not worth taking charge of, not worth punishing or speaking to or speaking with, not worth your good wishes and not worth knowing, understanding, accepting and being involved with in any way at all.

"not worth looking at" means I want my God to remove whatever would make me completely disgusting.

"not worth taking charge of" means I want God to remove whatever would prevent God from saving me from destruction - as God so often does.

"not worth punishing" means I want God to remove what makes me God's child

"or speaking to or speaking with" means I want God to remove anything that would prevent my receiving the little (or big) nudges God gives me so often.

Here's where I hit the brick wall.  God made me to know, love and serve God; to be happy with God here and in heaven.  God also made me to know, to love and to serve.  In fact, Paul says nothing will ever separate us from the Love of God. Thank You, God, for brick walls.  Brick walls sometimes force us to reflect again on just why it's all worth Your while. Week 18
It has been a struggle during this week 18, "three ways of responses".  I am so filled with mixed thoughts, truly the gravitational pull is very much at work in my life.  I do want to follow God's will, but when my focus becomes on my self will, instead of focusing on Christ, I fall into patterns that depress, and humiliate me.

It seems that I need to keep my mind on God's being present with me in my struggles, that will allow me to keep focused on truly living that costly discipleship that I believe is needed in my response.  I have failed so many times, and I realize that I turn my back on God each time I respond in a deliberately defensive mode.  I beg for the grace to respond  to others as He wants me to , with compassion, understanding, and less protectiveness of my self will.  The one thing that I should keep in mind is , how am I serving God, in my interactions, and daily life?  Is this for God ? or is this to defend or protect myself interest.

I beg for the grace to look always to God , in all circumstances ,to realize that everything  can lead me closer to Him if I give it to Him to transform me.  I am in need of transformation, to keep the prize of eternal life always before me , to want only to please ,love , and give him praise.

I am feeling that He understands me, but I do not understand me ... a very hard week. Thanks for all of the readings and prayers.  This is a period of questioning how I can say I love God , but fail so often to trust, and live each day a worthy life .
As I near the end of week 18, I must say again how perfect God’s timing is. The focus this week on Jesus’s baptism and my response to His call fits so well with the readings for Mass this week. All call for courage in the face of opposition, and my life is in just such a position now. I need His grace to see me through, and my fear still holds me back. So far I’ve come, so much further I have yet to go. Lord, help me. You know how weak I am. Strengthen me, give me courage. I ache to do Your will, yet struggle. I feel like such a failure right now. How can I profess a faith at the same time knowing such fear? As a little girl’s father said in Scripture, “Lord, I do believe. Strengthen me in my unbelief.”
Week 18. Though this is only the first day of the week for me, I find this week amazing in several ways. First, it reminds me of how far I have yet to travel to become the person I believe Christ has called me to be. I know in my heart that I have come a long way since starting this retreat, yet fear remains with me. Second, the introductory sections for the week echo my life and my fears with remarkable accuracy. I so easily see myself on the shore watching Jesus’s baptism and wanting so to follow Him yet being so afraid to ‘take the plunge.’ Finally, I am at a crossroads in my life. There are several roads to choose from, and the one I am now on, which appeared so ‘safe’ just a short time ago is uncertain now.  I pray for the wisdom to accept what Christ wills for me, and ask all of those on this retreat to pray for me also. As I have written at least once before, “Here am I Lord, I long to do Your will. Give me the strength and courage to do so.”
Week 18. Hard to believe I am already half way through this retreat. The broken record in me about God’s timing again hits this week. With changes in my life at this time it is perfect for slowing down for a little reflection on the ‘first half’ and especially for seeking the grace to accept what God allows. I was surprised and relieved when I read the three response types Ignatius described concerning the resolutions we make. I know that in the past I have employed the first two, usually just doing nothing but often justifying my decision. I fully expected the third option would involve changing what I was doing. It was such a relief to learn that it instead involves opening myself to accept whatever comes. I must, of course, remain faithful and prayerful in choosing courses of action, but the key is that the major “action” I am asked to make is acceptance. I pray for that grace.
During the 18th week, I experinced how difficult it is to leave the natural laws of personal gravity and live more in keeping with the freedoms which Jesus offers. I have longed for being free before the attachtment and tried to be free. But at church meeting, I realized that I was never free after I excused loudly about the things that I had been responsible for. Even though the reason I am engaged in church activities is to serve God, I found I didn't get rid of my own self- absored pattern at all. And I realized all I have to desire to is only a grace from God. Now I can really speak '' My life is in God's hands." Frankly speaking, until now I was too stubborn to hear the way of Jesues' life

I have started out on week 18.   I am not a very persistent person.  I read the themes of the week.  I think I understand them.  Sometimes I do and that week really grabs me.  then I tail off and enter the next week half heartedly.  I know that I am not doing as well as I should because my early enthusiasm has waned.  And yet there is so much good to be found here.  I do squander the treasures that God showers on me.  Perhaps I should take myself away physically from my surroundings so that I can concentrate.  But I cannot justify it.  How can I leave my wife and family for a week or so in a retreat house?  I should not need to do that because it is all here in this site - the careful reflections from Fr. Gillick - the sharings - the readings - the guideposts - everything.  I do believe in the power of prayer so I earnestly beg all of you to pray for me.  And may God bless you all
I am starting week 18 of the retreat  and am being challenged to look at the rationalization and self will in my life.  I am hearing that call to trust God more deeply.  I have a sense that that God is calling me to confirm my life more closely with His will for me and I am both attracted to this calling and resistent to it.  I fear what He may ask me to give up, but I know from past experience, that He always replaces what He asks me to give up with something far better.  He asked me to give up my need to always be right in my relationship with my husband and has given me the wonderful intimate marriage that I could only dream about a few years back.  When I gave up trying to control my daughter and her drug usage, she has completely turned her life around and has become a source of great joy in my life.  With so many examples of God's way being so right for me, why do I still resist this call to conform my will to His?  I am asking Him for the willingness to trust him more and I as for your prayers, by fellow travelers.  May God bless each of you and may this be a fruitful week for all of us as we continue our journey on this retreat.

I am on my week 18 with this retreat.  Until now my mind is still on the reflections on the nativity scene. I am learning to embrace my humanity and accepting my shadows without neglecting the light. I am drawn to reflect more on what is God doing in my life at this point and gently accepts whatver comes. This is quite difficult for me, for I always want to be in control. I realized sometimes that even in my prayer that I want to control certain events in my life.  I am finding it difficult to let go and let God control my life. I rationalize my attachment to my money, I do not have much, that's why I have be selfish and I find myself refusing to help others financially. 

The retreat is helping me lot and on this week (18), I'm quite nervous on what to let go to attain that kind of freedom that Jesus had. It's a tall order for me. I am at a lost on what to do with my life. I lost my direction and my sense of purpose. This is not the life that I dreamed of.  Please pray for me.

I am in the eighteenth week of this retreat and I am writing in response to the first item in the August 25 posting.  I know about emptiness and the blank wall, which I first discovered almost fifteen years ago.  It took me a long time to get as much distance from the that emptiness as I now have -- years.  But I have not yet learned how to pray for someone else.  Even the great mystics seem to use prayer as a way of centering themselves rather than as a way of centering someone else.  I wish I could teach someone how to pray for themselves -- I just don't know how.  But the retreat is a really good place to start, and a really good place to establish the discipline of regular prayer.  Hope I can keep it up during the academic term.  Perhaps you will try to pray for me in this regard and together we will each discover something new about lives with Jesus at their center.
Week 19
Throughout Week 19 of the Retreat, I had a continual sense that Jesus had this deep knowing that compelled him through all his actions of leaving home, heading to the Jordan, and being baptized.  He just felt with all his being that this was what he had to do and everything was going to be alright as he did it.  This culminated in that deep inner joy, peace, exuberance, and contentment that I imagine he felt as he came out of the water and heard the message of his Father.
Week 19 As I imagine the near thirty old, Jesus, I see a beautiful strong man ; working, laughing , loving his life at home with his family and friends in the town of Nazareth.  He must have grown in wisdom before the Lord, taking in the love of Mary, Joseph, absorbing the Torah, seeking quiet to reflect on His persistent and growing desire to respond to His heavenly Father . It must have been a process, not a sudden one day saying "Well I'm off.."

He must have known that His love and awareness of His time had come. He no longer could contain His longing to heal and save His people...but  He might have torn feelings of how to say goodbye to the mother who knew Him better than anyone on earth.

He must have felt anticipation to begin His mission, but sorrow that He had to surrender so much to attend the call, the very reason for His birth. The parting must have been tearful, and bittersweet ;wanting to begin His mission, but longing to protect His mother from the hurt she would experience.

I imagine a fond farewell to a few of his closest friends,and a word of encouragement to them, that he would return...he would see them again, but in the meantime please look out for His mother.
Mary must have held Him in a tender ,but strong embrace to assure Him that she would be alright,even though her heart was breaking;tears fell ,but she did not cling,she did not protest.

Some people in the town were critical of Jesus, wondering who did He think he was to leave.  How could He leave Mary?  Did he not care for them? While others wished Him well, no one could possibly understand what He was about to begin.

So much to think about this week.   Thanks for guiding me through the beginning questions about Jesus beginning his journey to the Jordan.  It has allowed me to appreciate another side of Jesus that I never thought about too much before.
Reading the “In these and Similar Words” for the Baptism of Christ, I was made uncomfortable because it was not my image of Christ’s baptism. It is always puzzling to see someone else’s personal image of Christ when it is dissimilar to my own. For some unexplained reason, I expect us to all see Christ in the exact same way. Usually when I have this experience of doubt, I get over the fear and I am able to see a new aspect of the Lord because of that other person’s view. I gain a larger picture of Christ and of God. The “In these and Similar Words” focuses on the communal aspects of the Baptism. By entering the scene, the contemplator, talked and interacted with Christ.

I, on the other hand, focused on the solemn side of the events. I was not granted the gift of entering the event. As an observer, I saw a man alone as he walked from his mother. He made a personal decision to leave his mother and to step into the waters of his public ministry. He walked away from the baptism alone, to be alone in the desert and to soak in the baptism. As he walks away from the Baptism he probably had some notion that this may be the last time on earth he can savor being be alone with God. From this point forward he will have little time alone with God because he will seek out and be sought out by all of humanity. And while he may be lonely, he will seldom alone after the time in the desert.

I also focused on another point. I was moved when the Father confirms Christ’s baptism with words from heaven. There are many instances in the Old Testament where God speaks with a calling, confirmation, command or acclamation of covenant. There are not as many in the New Testament and this one seems special. In this instance when God speaks, it is like a recreation. At Jesus’ baptism, it is as if the world was born again in preparation of the confirmation of the Holy Spirit on Pentecost. His baptism is like the “let there be light” that proceeds God final affirmation that “it was good.” 

     You were baptized in the waters of the River Jordan,
and became our Living Water.
     Your first miracle was to change water into wine,
at the wedding feast at Cana.
     You walked on the waters of the Sea of Galilee,
to give us faith.
     You washed the feet of your apostles,
to show us humility.
     You washed Your Hands,
to give us Your Body, Blood, Soul and Divinity,
in the Most Holy Eucharist.
     From the Cross, blood and water flowed from Your side,
to show us Your Love and Mercy.
     And You were washed and prepared for burial,
after You died on the Cross for us.
                                   Thank You Jesus


I have been following the retreat with the liturgical year, but week 19 has really stuck with me. The image of Jesus coming up out of the water after being baptized, shaking his head and laughing out of pure joy helped me realize just how human He really was. I had been praying so intensely to Jesus and through Mary and several of the saints that my daughter and her fiancée would be married in the church. This had been going on for several weeks. During week 19 she called and said everything was falling into place and they would be married within the good graces of the church. I got down on my knees and thanked all to whom I invoked help and especially to Jesus and the Holy Spirit. When I went to sleep that night, in the state before falling asleep, I had a vision. The saints, along with Jesus and Mary were laughing, dancing, and celebrating. They had brought a young couple closer to God and were in complete joy. We sometimes forget just how human they all were and they do understand our problems and needs. Thank-you to those who put this retreat together for the rest of us. You are doing great things and touching many hearts. 

I am in the 19th week of this retreat.  I know that everyone on this retreat is very busy and deeply involved with personal reconciliation.  I can only pray that each of you on this retreat will join me and lead otheres in the daily repetition of the Office Prayers of Saint Rose of Lima (August 30) for Lori Berenson, still imprisoned in Peru.  May we all pray that Christ will enter her heart and soul and that through this she may establish her case for pardon and be reunited with her family in the United States.

The guides (week 19) have been so helpful in contemplating the life, and especially baptism, of Jesus.  It is truly a grace to have found this online retreat, and the many treasures that lie there. 
 As I imagined Jesus leaving the well-known and comfortable routine of life in Nazareth, I could certainly relate!  After I retired from my job as a pastoral minister -- which was in itself a miracle job! -- I was led by the Spirit into working with children who need a neutral advocate in situations such as abuse, divorce, chemical dependency -- get the picture?
For a farm-wife with a comparatively healthy family background to become immersed in a world that I had previously only glimpsed on TV was about as great a change as anyone could imagine.  There are situations in which I can only be amazed at the goodness of God who sends caring social workers, attorneys and others who work in the court system, as well as therapists and counsellors who help the victims learn to survive and even thrive.  How humbling to have placed myself in God's hands and in turn find others placing themselves in my hands.  Only with God's help can I manage to continue, believing that there is a powerful source of Love who is constantly using us to bring good out of evil.  May all we do give praise to the Holy One.

I returned to my online retreat today (19) because I experienced such a wonderful closeness this afternoon as I gave blessings of the throat to people of my community. In praying with each of the people I felt like I was saying yes to following Jesus acknowledging that we rely on the intercession, love and call of God to do anything worthy in our lives and to have the continued health to do what he asks. I wanted each person to be strong and healthy to be a disciple of God, to do his work.  So when I returned to the retreat today and it spoke of the nourishment that we would receive in each opportunity to serve and choose service over self, I am moved to ask for the grace to hear the call to follow him and find the opportunity to choose to give as he has given to me, forgive as he has forgiven me. I ask for that grace to finally take me where I want and need to go. Bind my hands with the belt and take me where I do not seem to want to go alone. Blessed be God who loves me more than I ever imagined.
I think one of the most beautiful things about the Baptism of Jesus (19), and probably something of immense importance to him in facing his temptations, was the affirmation of him given by the Father ("This is My beloved Son in whom I am well pleased.")  I believe it was the Father's affirmation of his belovedness which Jesus held onto during his temptations. That was the source of his strength to resist. I believe that it is when we truly believe in and accept our belovedness by the Father (and Jesus and Holy Spirit) that we can truly find the strength to better resist temptation to be unloving and also to give us strength, hope and desire to be more loving to others.

I'm living week 19 and identifying with the retreat section "In These or Similar Words."  I want so much to be close to Jesus and yet I find that I always stop short. I'm always creating a space so I can't get too close.  I usually just attribute it to the fact that I am so unworthy and yet now I realize that something else is holding me back.  I'm afraid of following.  I'm afraid of succeeding and afraid of failing. I'm too afraid of what it would mean for me to truly follow Jesus.  Once again I find that my focuse has changed to how I look, and what people would say about me. Why can't I keep the focuse on Jesus?  Why is it so hard to give Jesus my life? I offer my life quite often and then without notice I take it back. "Help me, Lord, to see what I need to do to truly follow you without getting sidetracked.  I love you so much and know that as long as my eyes and heart are set on you, I'm fine.  But the minute I begin to deviate from your path I get incredibly lost. When you look into my eyes and heart I feel overwhelmed, safe,free, and empowered by your love. I want to live in your gaze and learn to look only to you. When I turn to you I find the strength and courage to do your work, build your kingdom, and give you the glory. Help me to stay close. Please pray for me.  I will pray for you...
It is the 19th week of the retreat which has taken me more like 22-23 weeks. My less than perfect journey has nonetheless brought me more peace, excitement, nervous energy but in a more positive way. I feel the grace move in my life in the honesty and ability to reflect on the here and now. To be in the moment with more honesty and more focus on wanting to be more who I am and more deeply wanting to follow Christ, than focusing on issues that are surrounded with negativity and death of the spirit. In small ways I am feeling the light of the spirit in my life each day and am able to follow it. In the conversations, interactions, actions.  I am still afraid of being incapable of doing well what God may ask of me in following him but more open to the reality that he will not give me more than I can handle albeit with discomfort, pain, failure along with having the feeling that I am doing what he would have me do as he needs it to be done. He has worked that way before in my life and I am not sure I did what I was supposed to do but it seems that there is a pattern in my life of being put into difficult situations to set them back on track, to stand by those who are maligned unfairly, to be maligned for standing up. And yet through it all I have not been harmed by my "enemies" or those who would harm me. Even though I am sinful and weak and take three steps back for every step forward. I long for a closeness that I fear and feel unworthy of. I believe I will receive the grace I need to find my way in the darkness as I am called to leave the familiar and undertake the anointing I received in baptism once again or more deeply. I am ready to go but not sure if I will hear or recognize the call. I pray for that grace this week. To know where the work is in the vineyard and what labors are mine. My skills are so scattered and unfocused, in this world of specialization.  Where does a woman for all seasons serve? Lord show me the way.  
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