Many of us find ourselves in this Season of Advent as care givers
for our parents. For some of us, this is a new experience - one we
never imagined before. For others of us, it is a role we've embraced
for many years. For some of us, especially many of us in the U.S.,
our parents are no longer living in their homes, but are in a retirement
facility or in a nursing home, perhaps with different levels of care.
Often, our parents are living in such a residence in another part
of the country. Many others of us are caring for our parents, or one
of them, in our own homes.
In a great variety of ways
of caring, or degrees of caring - full-time, part-time, or through
an occasional visit or phone call - we can enter into Advent in a
special way by entering into a reflection upon this care giving role
we have with our parents.
A Reversal
of Roles, With a Twist.
It is common to say
that we are experiencing a "reversal of roles" in this "sandwich
generation" (sometimes caring for both our children and our parents
at the same time). Of course, we are now caring for the parents who
cared for us. However, it involves much more than that. Our parents
were caring for us while we were growing up, maturing, entering a
life full of hope and promise. We now care for our parents in their
decline, in their diminishment, sometimes accompanying them to their
death.
Letting
Ourselves Get Close to the Experience.
While the experience
of caring for our parents can be extremely rewarding, it can also
be very draining and stress filled. It often means a complicated balancing
act - pitting these powerful and deep emotional bonds and obligations
against our jobs and our other family commitments. At times, the stresses
of this care can wear us thin. It can lead to tension, impatience,
and even emotional outbursts. Sometimes our parent is suffering from
some degree of dementia, or some deterioration of their memory or
capacity to exercise good judgment. Even if they aren't experiencing
any mental deficit, the embarrassment and discomfort with losing control
can lead our parents to be very frustrated and perhaps quite difficult
at times. Sometimes, compassion, sensitivity, understanding of the
stresses the other is bearing, or even good communication have all
broken down. And, tragically, in some rare moments we are tempted
to, or even guilty of, emotional or physical abuse.
Recognizing and naming what
is going on is critically important. When we are frustrated, angry
and totally lacking in compassion, it is pretty difficult to see and
accept what is going on inside of us. But, honest self awareness is
very important for there to be an opening to God's grace in this important
mission of our lives. When we are dis-couraged it is not easy to return
to courage. But, a humble, candid admission, "I'm struggling
here" is the beginning of progress. Sometimes, we have to admit
that we need more sleep or we need to take some emotional breaks.
Perhaps we need a good friend who has had this experience and can
listen to us and give us good feedback. It may be time to celebrate
the Sacrament of Reconciliation. We may need to seek counseling.
Advent
is a Time of Hope That Can Touch Our Experience.
Advent is a time when we
can get in touch with our struggles and face what seems to be unbearable
or unsolvable. Advent is especially powerful when we see no way out,
when we feel trapped, when our situation seems only to be deteriorating.
It is in Advent when we listen to the Prophet Isaiah proclaim God's
fidelity - a vision of liberation and a way out of captivity and war.
It is a season that restores our hope that "a time will come
for singing."
How
does this Advent Hope touch my responsibility to care for my parents?
When we hope and trust that God is with us and God is faithful, we
are suddenly no longer alone. When I let God into my experience, it
is immediately easier to confess my frustrations and to experience
mercy and peace from a God who loves me unconditionally. And with
my own heart at peace, and hopeful that God can bring Light and Peace
anywhere, I can experience this season as a time to allow me to love
more freely, more compassionately, more unconditionally. When I taste
how God loves me, not because I deserve it, but because I need it,
I can more courageously love my parents with that same tender, understanding
love.
In this spirit, I don't
get "hooked" as easily. My "buttons" don't get
pushed all the time. Not as many "issues" seem to matter.
Past wounds can now heal and be forgiven. Balance, sacrifice, long-suffering,
a sense of humor all return. All that matters is that the one who
gave me life is now suffering, perhaps suffering in such a way that
he or she can't express gratitude or show affection in return. All
that matters now is love. All that fills my heart is a desire to love
with the love God has shown me.
Faith
takes over where practical solutions run out. With faith, we can see
human dignity in the midst of diminishment. With confidence in God's
fidelity, we can imagine a day when our father or mother will be restored
to the fullness of life in the embrace of Jesus, at the hour of their
death. On that day, we can easily believe, they will be eternally
grateful for the love we showed them. And, we can enjoy imagining
the embrace we will receive from them on the day we will be re-united
in the full celebration of our Faith, bathed in Light and Love.
Come, Lord Jesus. Come into my care for my mom
and dad. Come and be born here in this humble place. Come and give
life and hope as you did in your coming on earth. Come and free my
heart. Come and give me the consolation of your love. Come and renew
me in this mission you have entrusted to me. Come and give me peace
so that I may accept your gift of courage and your own self-sacrificing
love. Come fill my heart with understanding, compassion, tenderness
and patience, gentleness and deep gratitude. Come and prepare my heart
for a new experience of Christmas joy, rooted in a new Hope in you. |