Week 2 |
| Week 2 Moving through the week is difficult in recalling what I am about in making this retreat in the second week. However the Graces become apparent as I quieten down and become more reflective. Today I am praying with Pray as you Go and Sacred Space and reading the Gospel and daily readings via Living Space’s interpretation – I say interpretation as it is not exegesis. It is the feast of St Clare and I am reminded to be generous like yesterday’s first reading. I went to Mass in the evening and it was pouring with heavy rain but it was lovely to sit in the chapel before the Blessed Sacrament in the quiet of the day out of the rain and the wind which was enlivening anyway. I asked to read and met up with the others afterwards. I am enjoying this morning very much. I particularly like looking at pictures of the Jesuits in Colombia on the Pray as you Go website. A lovely picture of a Jesuit with the little children around him; he showing them something on the table – they are quite small but are all interested in what he is doing – they are relaxed and happy and the picture portrays for me the lessons to be learned of the joy of priesthood and the exercise of their vocation in this way. I am reminded of the Anglican evensong – Endue your Ministers with righteousness and make your chosen people joyful. It fills my heart with great contentment and peace to witness this scene on my computer. It fills me with hope. Interesting and remarkable process. I've done guided and silent retreats in the past--weekend retreats. This is more of an honor system and the questions require some sou-searching. I'm not projecting what could happen, yet to this point in week 2, what has happened has been and is, spiritually rewarding and refreshing, occaissionally sad, sometimes pleasant, not unlike a rooler-coaster ride--I approach with apprehension, am glad when its over, and sometimes can't wait to do it again. Peace. Week 2 I happended to see anorther A./A.'er sharing. While I have l5 yrs. "clean and sober" by Grace of The Master and my wife's 30 years of prayers, I am far from well. In some ways, it seems much worse. Been thru' terrible down cycle; completed first In First Week I was so deeply depressed. Brutal--sadistic--sexual molestations in my
9 to 11 year boyhood by a parish priest I thought would act as my daddy, then the
horrors of 'Nam where many friends were killed my share; sickening napalm attacks Week 2 Haiku What be I....do I? In the midst of my fears Lord, you have been with me. -Ellen I am just finishing week 2 and am so awed by this trip down memory lane and seeing all the graces there. Many memories I hadn't thought of in a long time, some brought tears and many brought laughter and they all brought grace to me, so much more than I could have anticipated. One of the questions this week asked when I felt most totally known by God. I think it was more a matter of me knowing God more fully than I ever had. Thirty-six years ago my husband and I made our first Marriage Encounter weekend. Up until then my image of God was as the "grand overseer and judge", involved in the big important things in the world, certainly not personally involved with me On that weekend I discovered a God who had a plan for me! Was personally involved with me and even better, involved in our marriage. He wanted for us what we wanted for us! He had a plan for us as a couple and was calling us to a broader vision of marriage than we'd ever had before. Many, many times it has seemed that that weekend was the crossroads for me and the real beginning of our life together. That was 36 years ago and I/we are still being graced from that experience. It has led us to a fuller, richer life than we ever dreamed was possible. That grace has led us to such growth, knowing that God loved us and valued us and called us to share that. There is not a day that goes by that that grace isn't there. One of the things that grace led us to and enables us to do is being involved in the RCIA in our parish. The program this year is one we hadn't used before. We began the sessions just about the same time as this retreat. It is amazing how much they both mirror each other! Memories and grace have also been part of these early sessions of RCIA and the retreat and the prayers and readings have reinforced and strengthened each other! The graces have just been overwhelming. I don't know that we ever would have been able to see, much less accept the love and grace being given to us were it not for that first Marriage Encounter weekend. Week 2:
1. What graces, insights, special or painful memories were given to me last week? The overall effect of day 1 is the confirmation of the love of God permeating in my beingness present in the events, in every moment and stages of my life. There is joy and gladness, thanksgiving and praise for God’s gift of love, generosity and renewal. 2. Did I like doing these exercises last week, and did they nurture some new desires in me? The exercises led me to find God’s loving presence in my life and brought resurgence of high spirit and joy to serve and love the Lord according to His direction. 3. After last week’s review of my photo album, I’m attracted to . . . be playful, go back to the days of being alive, exuberant and childlike to be free and liberated from fear, fear of rejection, fear of being alone and the desire to please others. I am more convicted, confident just to be aligned with God’s purpose. 4. Where, in my life story, did I feel most totally known by God? In the Benedictine chapel, in St. Scholastica’s high school retreat the Lord called me. I responded with love and surrender. The words ringing in my ears,”what does it profit a man if he gains the whole world yet suffer the lost of his own soul.” 5. Is there a part of me, my story, I have a hard time imagining God knowing? Because I have a hard time imagining God accepting me there? I have a deep relationship with Jesus Christ as a friend and lover. I am fearful communicating and accepting the person of God as the Father because of my perspective of an authoritarian, judgmental and punishing God. I have overcome this now and sees the totality of God’s three persons as one. 6. Where in my story were there crossroads? It could have gone this way or that: how was God present in the way my story continued from there? When I completed my post graduate in St. Francis Xavier, Coady International Institute, God led me to a new relationship with a classmate in Social Development school. This allowed me to continue on with my career in community development in partnership with my husband. I had a previous relationship with a Filipino boyfriend which ended as a result of my schooling in Canada. 7. Am I accepting of who I am today? If not, can I hold those areas up to God? If yes, can I hold my whole self up to God, in gratitude? I am holding up to God my lack of resolve and self-confidence, my insecurity and self doubt. I AM GRATEFUL TO God for seeing THESE WEAKNESSES resolving to transform. 8. Are there areas I feel God is wanting to love in me? change in me? make use of for others? I need to overcome my feelings of insecurity and self-doubt, my lack of resolve and focus. I feel God’s presence and love connecting with me to overcome these weaknesses. He is forming me and I am grateful. Week 2: I am really struck by the thoughts this week. For almost 2 years I am taking a slow difficult road to overcoming panic disorder with agoraphobia. This retreat comes at a good time while I undergo counseling/therapy in order to address underlying patterns of thinking that allows panic disorder to thrive. "to hold our whole life up to God... especially the parts which might seem unacceptable. It's all about gratitude. I don't have to be together to be grateful."
and "When everything is going well, I have this vision in my head that I have to be perfect for you Lord... and I am not perfect. So I wait to really turn to you, thinking I will somehow correct all my flaws, by myself, before I come before you to speak.... Suddenly I am aware, dear Lord, that now, in all of the things that are wrong in my life, in all of the things that I want to make better, now is when I need to turn to you. Please hold my hand and go with me to places inside me where I am afraid. Be with me as I look at myself with all my flaws. Stay with me when I am afraid of my anger, my sadness, and my grieving for the pain in my life... Thank you... I am always grateful for your love and care." The realization and acceptance that God truly loves us. That all these years I have been passing judgement on myself and second guessing God. I have been humbled with the knowledge that I could not hope to achieve anything or be at peace without Jesus at the very center. That He understands our struggles with our humanity but that life is a journey. That as long as I hold unto His hand firmly, even with the detours along the way, He will weave something beautiful out of my many scars and tears. Thank you for having such a wonderful opportunity you share to us all to know Him more. God bless. Advent week 2: "I am here with you in the stillness." So says the God of Abraham, Isaac, Jacob and me. This time of waiting is full of mystery and suspense. What will God bring into my life next? What changes await us? I know S/He will be there through the peaceful and the tumultuous times as S/He has been throughout each phase of my life. The veil between us is thin and shimmery; sometimes I can almost glimpse Her. At other times the veil is thick, dark and impenetrable. It has been like that at this time of year for me ever since my husband died December 16th. And yet, now, after 9 years, this season is becoming less of a dark burden. The veil is becoming gossamer-like once again, allowing me to catch glimpses of Her, abiding there supporting me in the stillness. I believe She has been there all along. Week 2: Thanks be to God , I am finally free. I just finished week 2 and found that God loves me more than I love myself. He is awesome and all the instruments and angels he sends are trustworthy and true. Praise God. Week 2: I am in Week 2, and I want to thank all those involved in this marvelous online retreat.
Thank God for the Internet, too. Today is October 1st, the feast day of St. Therese of Lisieux, "The Little Flower". Her short life was a story of doing small, seemingly insignificant things for others --of enduring physical sufferings as a way of appreciating how much Jesus suffered for us.To be joyful and pleasant despite constant physical pain is indeed a real virtue.To be humble but yet speak boldly when necessary is to be one of God's Heroes. "God's Heroes" reminds me of when I attended elementary school many years ago.One of the nuns who taught us used to read us a story each day from a book called "God's Heroes", a collection of short stories about the lives of the saints. The story about St. Therese really made an impression on me. Maybe it was because, above all, she knew her own limitations. She knew she would never be able to do great things, so she accepted her role as a "doer of small things". How practical. How down-to-earth. How admirable and imitatable! I remember some of the other saints' stories, too, especially Isaac Jogues, a Jesuit missionary who worked among the early American Indians 400 years ago. All of us students were amazed at how much these missionaries suffered at the hands of the Indians -- horrible torture, treated like slaves, despised and humiliated by their captors. -- Joe Week 2: I've almost completed my second week of the retreat. Reflecting back on God's care for me, I've realized how often God has saved me both from physical death (twice) and spiritual death so many times. Week 2: Well, here it is, Week 2 of the retreat, and here they come: here come the questions. What do I think of this? How do I feel about that? Last week was so nice because I just had to remember and reflect: images from my life, pictures, sounds, stories, adventures, sorrows, new beginnings, just life. Scenes from a life. It was truly a gift from God. This week reminds me of how a scientist approaches a flower: there's so much beauty there, what does it all mean, I got to find out. Pick it apart, scoop out the yellow, pick apart the white, analyze, study it, examine it, draw conclusions- and yet when all is done, all one is left with is a dead flower, and the point is completely missed.I feel like I spent too much time analyzing my life instead of just letting God show me what He wants to show me. I wish to hear him through the din. On the other hand, maybe I'm afraid of the answers the questions will bring me. After all, the questions are not that ominous.Perhaps I'll just let the images from last week just settle in, and keeping in mind what this week is about, I'll just let the Lord guide me as He so often has. Just let the river run its course and let the current guide me instead of being so sure of where I ought to be going.Sounds like a good idea. Just relax in the inner tube and let it flow! Week 2: As I near the end of the second week my response will be different from what I had expected. When I started this week my reaction to the question of my own acceptance of who I am today would have been a resounding NO! I see all the filth of my sins even while acknowledging that Jesus loves me right where I am. Now I realize I can be of so much more service to Him, which is something I ask for every day, or at least intend to, the more accepting I am of my own flaws. Not to say I can get smug about it, a kind of little boy blue mentality - what a good boy (or girl in my case) I am. But knowing that Jesus accepts me, warts and all, is such a comfort! And who am I to have higher standards! As if I know better. OUCH! How controlling that sounds, because it is. And I definitely DO NOT want to be in charge. Too much work and I only mess things up when I try it. It also occurred to me that allowing me my free will is one of God's most wonderful gifts to me! By it He allows me to have something to give back to Him and in allowing me to fall He shows me His great love for me, His mercy and forgiveness. If I'd never fallen I never would have known them, or even had a reason to acknowledge them and be thankful. That almost seems to answer the last list of questions. God wants to love the me I am at every moment, with all the warts. He wants to change my attitude about myself so it more closely conforms to His opinion of me - God doesn't make junk. And by freeing me to see that I can be of more service to those sisters and brothers He puts in my path. To be allowed a part in His plan is awesome! What trust He puts in His children. I for one DO NOT WANT TO DISAPPOINT HIM! Week 2: By focusing on where I believe God has and has not been most present in my life, I have discovered more about myself once again. Concentrating on seeing God in my life has made be realize that I have in the past valued parts of my life that didn't lead me closer to God at all. I tried to spend the week concentrating on where I believe God has been present. He has been most present during my deepest times of need and also during my greatest leaps of spiritual growing. This focusing has caused me to reevaluate how I saw my past. I don't esteem certain periods of my life as I once did for the mere fact that I drew away from God rather toward him. I can't help but be constantly reminded of fear. There is a fear in realizing that my greatest comforts of life have been God-given. There is fear that I am realizing that I still have not completely turned my back on all sin in my life. Thinking about my past makes me run to God more, but also with that fear that doesn't leave because it is the unknown. I only have the warm comfort of past feelings of Grace from God to hold me to God's path. There is fear in letting sin go. Ironic, isn't it?-- SN Week 2: Thank you so much for the blessing of CLC on-line !! I thought week 1 and 2 were so easy as I have done so much work on healing the inner child. But the miracle of walking with the Lord and doing these exercises is new insight all the time. It is so strange to me that I see God was real to me at school, far far from me, or rather I was far from his comforting presence during a marriage to a solid, good man, a true believer in God, and real to me again as never before after my husbands death. Doesn't make much sense. Why was I in such a bad place being married? I just don't get it!! My soul felt so dead in that marriage. Even the children say " mom you are so different after dad died." Yes it is true, now I am happy and free in my spirit. I have found myself again. And in finding me I found God again. Or rather he is alive, real and comforting to me now. Week 2: By the Grace of Christ, I am who I am. Now I know true Humility. Week 2- I just had the most amazing revelation about my “secret”. I have been mining my past, my mind, my soul to find my One secret that is the key to unlocking the next door I need to enter. I have been reliving and reviewing all the dark spots in my past, but none of them are secret. I have faced them all. And then it hit me- my secret is that I am happy. My mom died almost 8 years ago, I was only 24. From that day I have felt that it would somehow be a betrayal or that I “shouldn’t” be happy because how could I be now that she is gone? But now I am a mother and being sad all the time is exhausting. But then I realized, the “should” doesn’t matter. God loves me. My mom loves me. They want me to be happy. And I am! I have just never allowed myself to feel it because it wasn’t “okay”. I am flooded with emotions and I feel like I could fly. This is such a gift and a blessing not just to me, but to my whole family. Thank you God. Thank you. I'm almost at the end of Week 2. I thought like everyone else, why do I have to go over again the painful things in my life -- mostly where I was so far from God with my sinfulness. But there is an urge now to look deeply in several areas of myself... mostly why am I so afraid of being alone... the fear of loneliness - which shadowed my entire life, I believe. It caused me to be desperate to find someone to love me... and many times those relationships were very toxic and unhealthy... just so I wouldn't be alone. I keep remembering the happy times of my childhood before my father left when I was 10 because my mother was divorcing him, mostly because of his alcoholism. She married my father's best friend and although he was a good man, I felt abandoned and lonely after that. My only brother left to go live with my father, so that added even more to my loneliness. I'm so grateful to find this online retreat. Bless all of you on this special journey. I so enjoy reading the sharing.... helps bring up a lot of stuffed feelings and memories. -- Rena This is my week 2 , I have found through the reflection and examining my life what is truly worth while, God has opened my eyes through his grace. I know now that we should always treat the people we love, like strangers and give them the same consideration we would a stranger. Treat them with respect,consideration. Never take anything for granted, treat your loved ones like the last time you see them may be the last time you see them. Always respect them enough to say thank you and please, and most of all when you leave their company always say "I Love you" !!!! We think they know it, but it is always nice to tell them. Week 2: My challenge this week is the realization of my fear of rejection. This fear is an obstacle to my receiving love from others. At the same time, my reflection reveals God never rejects me. God accepts me and embraces me and loves me. There is no rejection associated with God. I plan to pray with this all day today. Week 2: Week 1 of the retreat was difficult for me. I found it challenging to clear my mind of the daily “noise” to allow for reflection. I just couldn’t retrieve scenes and memories from my past that had much meaning. This week I have found that the discipline and structure of the retreat is enabling me to slow down and create time for quiet reflection. This week, during those quiet times, memories are floating to the surface and I am able to spend time with them, to ponder, and to connect the scenes with the feelings and the outcomes. I am better able to recognize (or remember) God’s hand in guiding my path. I am continually reminded that nothing, no matter how seemingly small or insignificant, is random in God’s plan for me. I am not, nor have I ever been, alone Week 2: Glory be to God in the Highest!! I am an alcoholic.I am just starting wk. 2.Having worked the 12 steps going back over my life this time was completely different than when I worked my 4th step.I have a sponsor but I am not using him as my director for this retreat.I have asked a friend who is on the RCIA core team with me who went to a Jesuit University to walk with me through this retreat.At the age of 15 i made a pact with the devil and preceded to live my life accordingly.I have been sober now By the Grace of God for 3 1/2 yrs.I am 52 yrs. old.In that time I have been blessed with many spiritual experiences .One being that I was Baptized ,Confirmed and received first Eucharist at Easter Vigil 2007.I am so looking to see how God reveals his light in the many shadows of my life.My favorite scripture is Phil 4:13 I can do all things through Christ who strenghtens me. It takes away all my excuses when i say i can't. I am in week two of the retreat. During week one I read "The Courage to Accept Acceptance". What a powerful piece! In a few days it has done more for me than years of psychotherapy. To outsiders, my childhood seemed idyllic. But there was something very important missing. Love from my parents came with a price. I was expected to behave in a certain way to maintain that love. There was not "total acceptance" as God's love is. The idea of "total acceptance" by God affected me in two very healing ways. First, I realized that my parents did the best they could. I can't expect them to be as perfect as God. Second, in my relationship with my teenage daughter I recognized that I should try to be God-like and strive to totally accept her with no expectations. Very quickly, my daughter and I have grown closer, and she seems so much more at ease with the world.What an amazing beginning! I plan to continue through all 34 weeks. Thank you for putting this on the web. Week 2:As I start the second week, I realize that at every crossroad in my life, God has always been extremely patient with me. He respects my freedom and allows me to make my own decisions. It is precisely this freedom that allows the possibility of love. This realization empowers me to fully give God my love and freedom. He Who has loved me and given me freedom, deserves all my love and the fruits produced by my freedom. Thus, I can wholeheartedly tell the Lord, "Take, Lord, receive all my liberty, my memory, understanding, my entire will... You have given it all to me, now I return it." Week 2: During this second week of my retreat I've had to think a lot about moments in my life when I have not felt very good about myself. These moments have been very dark and sad, some of which I've had to accept even though I have not really understood at the time the consequences I would experience in my spiritual life. In one of these moments I was in complete darkness and experienced such fear I felt totally unloved by God. It took a special priest to talk to me without judging me and who finally made me realize that God was loving me even more at that time than ever before. Years passed and one day out of the blue I experienced God's love for me in a very tender and enlightened moment. I feel God has a sense of humor because that very special moment was felt as I was walking through a parking lot on my way to do grocery shopping. At that very moment I experienced God's tremendous love and mercy for me. I am very grateful because I know that His love is so vast He allows us to make decisions, some easier than others, and His unconditional love is forever present in my life. I am still trying to cope with another decision I made several years ago that haunts me even though I know it was right but still the guilt is there and I ask God to heal me from the pain I've felt and continue to feel for such a long time. I feel I need another moment of total immersion in God's love in order for me to let go of these negative and dark feelings in my heart. I hope that as I continue in this retreat I will be able to find the answer that I need. God bless all of you and if anyone can offer some insight I will gladly read it and think about it. My experience has been that God always sends me an "angel" in times of need. I do trust in Jesus and lift myself up to Him. Week Two: In my personal journey I am so focused on Christ in my "now," I have not wanted to focus on my past. It is as if the past or the future are an illusion that takes me from the present. For me, today, It is in the present that I can serve and love. And be loved. Not that I have actually forgotten my past or stopped thinking about the future, but I feel like I should avoid focusing on them. Instead I have been more concerned with hearing the voice of the shepherd who knows his sheep. I have finished the second week. The hardest day so far was when I was asked to meditate on parts of my sotry I have a hard time imagining God knowing and accepting me. I wrote in my journal: It’s hardest to envision God with me when I sinned – particularly when I knew I was going to sin, thought about it, felt it was wrong, and did it anyway. It’s hard just to think about those times. It’s hard to feel God’s love and acceptance there. My experience of this part of the retreat wasn’t that “good” because of those thoughts. I realize if my relationship with God were based on my performance I could have no relationship. I woke up the next day to a song, “Only the blood of Jesus, covers all our sin.” That helped. I'm seeing that if in the darkest places I can know God’s nearness, love, and covering, then I can know Him today. Week 2: I have spent weeks trying to do week two. My perfectionist nature would not allowed me to get past this week. I kept digging for gold instead of letting God work in me. It's that human tendency to believe that we can do it alone, that we know better, that it is impossible that the only thing God wants is an opening, however small. One memory kept coming: me as a young child eating alone at school . For a whole year, after I transfered schools, I didn't have a friend. No one would sit with me during lunch time. It made me sad to remember that loneliness. But as the week progressed the image started to change. Yes, I was still sitting there but I was not alone anymore. Sitting next to me, was God, and it dawned on me that I have never been alone in my life, and I will never be. That doesn't mean that at times I will not feel lonely or abandoned -even Jesus felt that way at the end- but it is just an illusion. He who created me, who shaped me and gave me life, is like the song say "with me beyond my understanding". Week 2: God is always with me I must acknowledge Him and His presence with me. No more disguises or masks God let me be who You made me to be all the time. Sad or happy even upset at times and joy full most of all. Let You in me shine brighter than the sun. Allow me to deal with my evil and harsh past and shed the baggage that I have been holding onto. Keep making me into your perfect image and self. Continue to help me seek you I mean really be looking for You in Your word and in situations and especially in people. Make me aware of Your Spirits presence and also of the Accuser's presence so I can begin to pray for your protection. You are everywhere and in everything Your fingerprint is all over. Thanks for putting images of yourself all over the world. Week 2 caused me to go deeper into my life. It was not an easy task and I found that there were many places of dificulty and sorrow. Yet also there was much for me to be greatful for. I felt the grace for this week was to hold up to the Lord all my life in gratitude. Though this was dificult I did feel his forgiving love. I thank you for this week and for the fact that we had to go deeper because I might never have had this grace were it not for going deeper into my life. Is there a part of me, my story, I have a hard time imagining God knowing? Because I have a hard time imagining God accepting me there? It's week 2.I frequently return to the questions. I can not imagine God not accepting me. As I review the memories and crossroads, I can't not consider how Christ's Bride, the Church, has influenced them; and not all for my seeming good: A first grade nun who was physically and psychologically abusive to six year olds; A father, raised in a Catholic orphanage, who never speaks of his own earthly father (Dad is 82, now). My Dad himself (I believe) inherited a sense of abandonment and was "forceful" in correcting his children's infractions. Unfortunately, I was never a student of psychology and never understood enough of all this to know it was affecting me. Thus, it played itself out in my life as father to my own children. I hate myself, my father , and the "Church" for that. I do not fear God's awareness of this . I feel God knows all this and condemns me not. Am I contrite for it? Absolutely. Do I discuss it with my children and wife? I tell them every time it comes up, "I was wrong." And not once, until now, have I been aware enough and courageous enough to say all this. I am grateful that I can get this out. It was masked, compartmentalized and well-hidden. Do I get warm, fuzzy, comforting feelings of God's Presence? Not from this. Not from these memories. Do I see where God was in all this? No. Do I believe I have been lead by Him to this place and time of this Retreat? Absolutely. For this, I am grateful. I pray for Grace and Peace for us all. -- David I began week 2 today, and I have to say that this is not easy. I asked the Holy Spirit to help me find the good in my childhood, it is so difficult. I have an overwhelming sense of weakness and insecurity since as far back as I can remember. Over and over I keep hearing the faint whisper-"I give the weak, My strength." I then took my grown self back to that little girl and told her all the things that she needed to hear back then. "You are fearfully and wonderfully made, there is nothing wrong with you, pray for God's strength and he will give it to you-love yourself, because you are God's loving creation, created by Love, to Love." I think that little girl believes me! Week 2: I have just downloaded week 3 of the online retreat and have read some of the week 2 sharing. It seems several people, myself included, have trouble with masks. My own experience came to the fore a few days ago, when I helped with a funeral and Mass for a friend's husband. I did not know why, but I avoided going to the luncheon after the funeral. Later that evening I got a phone call from a friend who asked why I wasn't there. The next day, several more people commented on it and also that I was grouchy the last couple of days. It took a while but I finally figured out that I was very much disturbed by the fact that the funeral came on the first anniversary of my mother's death. I hadn't thought that I had been "grouchy" but instead had hidden my emotions and thoughts, my self, from myself. I had thought that I had completed week one and week two successfully and was ready for week three, particularly since I had extended (unintentionally but certainly) for more than the week which should have been allotted to it. But, now I wonder at how much else I have hidden from myself. It is particularly comforting though, that God knows and accepts us as we are. And in this, can I ask more? -- Quentin Greetings from Australia. I am completing my second week. I feel a week is not long enough to take it all in. There seems to be so much for us to consider in each segment. I was deeply moved by the photographs which seemed to speak volumes to me, particularly the state of my relationship with God and others. The challenge to be prepared to take up my cross and follow Jesus means for me to die to myself, to stop being self centred, and being prepared to go out on a limb for someone else if need be. There are so many people who suffer in silence and nobody seems to notice. Everyone has a right to be acknowledged and given the time of day at the very least. How else could they be loved and cherished for who they are. I pray that I may become more aware of my indifference to wards the plight of others and the selective way in which I deal with people. It's always tempting to take the easy way out and forgetting that God has been and still is holding on to us and encouraging us to go one step further. In looking back into my past, I am becoming more aware of certain crossroads in my life when I had to make important decisions about the directions my life should take. I could not have taken those steps unless there were others there to guide, lead and give me courage.I grew up in a family who loved me and forgave me and made allowances for my shortcomings, thus enabling to experience acceptance and self respect. There were so many others who also accepted and treated me kindly. I did nothing to earn this. It was freely given to me. I am beginning to see this as a blessing from the Lord. I believe it is up to me to give out more of what I received in my lifetimm. In closing I would to thank all those who have shared their experiences of the retreat and their lives. I am finding their life stories very helpful. May God bless you all. -- Louis Week 2: This week I felt some real tension and consolation as well. For some reason I feel real tension around some questions that I want to avoid, "Who am I presenting to other people?" "Who is it that I want other people to see?" In my review of my pictures I feel that as an underlying tension. I experience anxiety over this. Part of this is because of where I am living now and to where I recently moved. I'm reminded of the social tensions growing up. But the consolation comes first as I read Father Gillick's reflections. I realize that while I may have resolved these identity issues as I grew up and moved around, I still play them with God. I'm trying to present myself to God as the person I think God wants me to be. Probably there is nothing wrong in this but it is preventing me from realizing that it is God who wants to reach me … know me … love me. Somehow, I was missing this. I had seen myself as the person loving God, trying to know God better, letting parts of myself reveal themselves. The anxiety I feel recedes when I sit and let God love me … here and now. This is similar to something I have discovered in my marriage. My wife can be quite realistic about who she is living with. She can see through my "presentation games" and to her it doesn't matter. It's even more with God. God knows who I am and loves me for it. I felt reinforced in that when I reflected on crossroads I've encountered in my life. I see that at each point … even when I thought I was in control … there has been a gentle touch or even if I was ignoring God's voice … somewhere along the path thereafter there would be a gentle tapping on the elbow so that I kept somewhere along a path that God can make use of. For these experiences I give thanks. Week 2 completed... God was always within, and I spent 30 years looking outside of myself for his love and peace. I finally was able to connect with that little piece of Himself He put in all of us , to lead us on our journey through this earthly world, to find a home in our heavenly Father's house. I've now spent 25 years attempting to dismantle and remove my too many defense structures and masks. These masks kept me apart from God and others , while I merely survived life. Opening my heart to God has allowed me to begin living a meaningful,spiritually satisfying and peaceful journey. I seek and pray to be more an instrument of God's love and peace. I seek to more faithfully accept life on God's terms . I pray to stop seeking life's answers and ask God to take my questions from me ,so I may become more faithful. --Phil Thursday of week two, my brother died last month. Find myself grieving more today. Crying thru Mass sometimes to the point of sobbing, no kleenex Part of the masks that we place, and the walls we put around ourselves. Grief takes work, and is so painful that we don't want to feel it, or even share it. One of the ways when we were growing up, don't show emotion, don't let others know that you are grieving. Allowing God in to help me thru the grief, because He knows how much it hurts and we can't get thru it without Him. I miss my brother, making me laugh on the phone and the talks we have about family, who we need to pray for, but most of all the talks about our faith. Being able to be free to talk and loving each other when we disagree our safe place to share. My sister that recently moved back home is going back to Colorado to take a temporary position. She will be gone for three months, during the holidays. It will be hard, but at the same time happy for her that she will be with her kids and grandkids, feeling that loss. Today is just a boatload of tears, thankful for the retreat, it is also a safe place to share. Freedom is allowing the walls to come down. On week two. Before beginning the retreat kept hearing this melody in my head didn't know where it was coming from, then listened to the songs of Ignatian Spirtuality, the melody was Ad Majorem Dei Gloriam... thank you God for this wonderful retreat. It is very helpful studying Women of the Old Testament and doing the retreat, God was with all of them the good and bad. Just like He is with us and loves us all the time. He never abandons us. It is only week 2 but I especially liked the readings, reflections and prayers for this week. It reminds me that I am free to be me without masks, or hiding behind shallow words. That God loves me secrets and all, that I am much more open to God’s healing touch once the secrets have been exposed to the Light of day. I no longer need to live in the shadows. There is so much more Peace. Joy , Love in my heart with God by my side. I am beginning week two, and I am feeling a little bewildered and befuddled - but I am not giving up! I thoroughly enjoyed and at the same time regretted going through the album of my life last week, and I am beginning to take the steps forward in week two in that photo album. However, every I begin to answer the questions in my mind, more pictures and memories - good AND bad - come flooding in and I need to begin all over again. So, I am hoping to just be open to where the Holy Spirit leads me in this. Thank you, all of you, for what you have written. Your words inspire me and help me to sort the millions of pictures flooding my head through this! I especially thank God for leading me on in this wonderful adventure, and place myself, my memories and my experience in His loving hands! May God Bless you! --Lisa Week 2: An amazing gift came my way as I was meditating on this week’s photograph. I realized I needed less to know God’s love of me in the womb. Rather I was the little girl (become adult) listening with the stethoscope to God’s word, often silent and hidden in each moment of the day. I love writing. I write about what I hear. --Anita I stayed on week one for ages and ages... I was very hopeful on finding the retreat but wasn't able to move past week one... I have finally started week two but still have the feeling that I am not 'doing this properly' - a feeling that arises out of issues I am slowly working through... I feel so very angry and tired this morning... My kids get up so early and I spend so much time distracting myself from the feelings I am really feeling / trying to fill in time... But if I am honest - I am really angry and extreemly tired. Please pray for me... I do have so much to be grateful for - please God may your grace help me feel gratitude and not just resentment and anger... The retreat's concept of having the week's theme in the background is such a good thing... if I can just remember to do this, I know it can change everything about my days and brings light into the darkness of my perception... Jesus, may your light and truth infuse my thoughts today.... More of you, Lord... --Mary, Brisbane, Australia This is my second week I am going into right now. I am excited at my first week's experience. It is a journey I am open to traveling. I am not sure where it will take me but I trust it is taking me where I need to go right now. Everything happens in His own time, and I know that this is where I am supposed to be right now. I am 52 years old and have been considering something along these lines for quite a few years now. Finally I have gone back and found this site and I am so grateful to have found it. I look forward to the next 33 weeks. -- Teresa Wow! just finished reading from the sharing on week three and they left me sad. People seem so lost in the reflection of their lives that came from week 1 an 2. I hold them in prayer. In the last two weeks I have been encouraged to let the past go. God's love was/is always there, that is the wonder I am experiencing. Why don't I just let that happen more. I find this week a relief. God's beauty is all around. It is spring and God's gifts abound. I saw the most beautiful forsythias in the world on the way to work. The brightness of their yellow did not seem real. I was surprised how many birds flew by as I drove to work... In all this wonder where is my purpose? I will continue to ponder this, but I certainly felt small compared to all the wonder and gifts God puts in my world every day. I am blessed, yet need to express that more. Week 2: Dear Friends, These past days have been the most difficult for me. After reviewing the photo-gallery of my past, all of the pleasant and painful memories with my father, with my ex-girlfriends, my mother, with those with whom I fell passionately in love, I felt an overpowering sense of infallibility which arose from the sense that I am still alive. One day, out of nowhere, I decided to pick up and leave my home in Toronto and make a pilgrimage to Florida to find a gentleman who claimed to receive visions of our Blessed Virgin. I intentionally put no thought into the excursion, hoping to rely on Providence alone and see where I would go in the journey outlined by the exercises I'm taking online with the Creighton website. I travelled by the meanest, crudest way I believe one can travel in North America, by a Greyhound bus. After 44 hours of travel, bringing a guitar, some notebooks, a laptop, and a small knapsack which I stuffed with my clothing, I finally arrived. As soon as I found a motel, I discovered HBO and reverted to a lazy, movie-filled week of limbo and have neglected the exercises outright. I discovered today that I have been expecting Providence to drop something into my lap, and have been blaming myself for being unworthy with each night's motel bill. During this week of doing nothing, my thoughts have been filled with the darkness that have surrounded all those memories I've been repressing. Certain failures in my life, certain unwise decisions made and their consequences, and the nasty sentiments issued by blame and harsh words by me and by those who were pained by those bad decisions; these created an aura of darkness that I have been courting in my sleep in an attempt to find some repose from the shame and negativity eminating from the darkness; to find a few minutes of pleasure. Today, I have begun realizing that I have turned my gaze radically away from the light that has empowered me to undertake the exercises in the first place. The shame I feel is mine, not given to me by anyone or anything else. The guilt, that is mine, it came from nowhere but from me. Looking at the little girl before the pregnant woman has today shifted my outlook, changed my perspective. As yet, I have no words for it, but it is opening a passage admitting a lot of white light, bright but not painful to see. I feel as though my personal, painful baggage from the past is not merely a burden but fuel that is burning in my heart. And an energy is now causing my legs to and shoulders to quiver. -- Daniel Week 2: Here in Week 2, while reading the sharing others have submitted and sitting in the adoration chapel, the panning for gold image kept coming back to me and brought much joy. I imagine God panning through all the dirt in my life and finding the good golden things that are still part of me and worthy of love. I imagine myself panning through all the hurt and disappointment in my life, but still finding the little nuggets of joy and blessing that come along with it. I have learned to see Jesus everywhere, and make a concscious effort to thank Him for all the beauty I see and all the times He's pulled me through when I doubted myself. All in all, it's a happy ending to the reflection of my life. I pray it's the same for my fellow participants. Peace... Week 2: It is Thursday of the second week and nothing major has happened like in the first week but I am constantly aware of how joyless the people around me live and work...never grateful perhaps I am like that as well and the more I get aware of this the more I want to say ....Thank you LORD thank you for your goodness..... -- Elizabeth J. Week 2 It took me 19 days to finish weeks one and two. I'd tried to recall my past many times before but this time things were different. First I was stung as all those sins of the past came flying at me - so many and for so many years; so many acts of contrition, so many confessions. I was ready to throw in the towel and forget the whole idea of this retreat. But just like the confessions led to happy days, so my memories turned to all those blessings forgotten. My father so frequently taking hours out to be with me: to show me the sights of New York; to teach me to pitch a baseball; I'd forgotten how close he was, quiet but not aloof, disciplining but not demanding. Memories lifted me up: of my brother playing with me; my mother as always so caring; teachers, bosses, commanding officers; girlfriend and wife, daughters and granddaughters. I ride the crest of an enormous, joyous wave thanking, so inadequately, a God who has so wonderfully blessed me! Thank god! Thank God! Week 2: I had some trouble with Week 2 and considered taking longer to work on it but have decided that I will go on today to Week 3. My first problem was that I had unknowingly done some of what we were guided to do this week during week 1. I had identified crossroads, etc. My bigger problem was with the masks. Perhaps I do not understand or perhaps I do not want to. What I do know is twofold. First, people I am close to see me as the Mom/wife who will handle things, the volunteer who gets things done, the go to person and organizer. When I drop this mask and show vulnerability, people are at best perplexed and usually unhappy. It is not that I am not that person, it is just that they look for it when I am not up to it at times. I will continue to reflect on this as I move forward. My second, deeper problem is with the purpose of our, or at least my masks. It seems for me they are often my attempts to improve myself, to make myself more what God intended but what is not coming naturally. Isn't it often a mask we wear as we practice being what we do not naturally feel? I don't want to remove those masks because they are, I pray, leading me closer to my purpose not away from it. So, I will move on to Week 3 and believe that the Holy Spirit is guiding me forward. I can always back up, if it seems to have been a wrong decision. I was amazed and moved as I read today some of the new Sharings. I wish I had someone to share and dialogue with on this, but even just reading others thoughts and writing my own sharing at the end of each week is a great help. Week 2 In the womb: As in the of womb with original sin; a time of growth, under the care of God's Holy touch; loving eye. Pressing through, as a light veil, into the first breath of spiritual life, beyond the dreary earthly plane, into the glory we are all clothed in through Christ Jesus, in His rhythmic breathing ; giving and receiving, His love with all those I meet. As in the warmth; comfort of the womb, God continues creating me- May God bless you Just before I write this I received an email from a childhood friend from whom I had not heard for years. Somehow it seemed to crystalize my reflections for this week. In week 1 I had given thanks for the people who influenced, shaped and graced my life. Some I regretted not having kept in contact with them and R was one of them. It also personalized a somewhat abstract observation that I had been reflecting on: last week I was especially embarrassed at the poor choices and pursuits that I felt darkened a period of my life in my late teens and early 20's. This week I held that period up to the Lord along with other periods. I realized that some of the pictures from that time were not too bad. I'm not downplaying the restless or darkness of these days but in some pictures I preferred the person I saw there. He was more focused on helping others and certainly on social justice than in some of the pictures subsequently. I realize that I was always striving to meet the Lord and His demands on my terms. Part of these personal terms is that I wanted to flee from where I had been brought up. There was another world I wanted to discover. Why? I'm not sure I understand. Yes at any period of darkness there were people there who helped point to the right path. The Lord used them well. There were periods of special grace that forced me to look at how I was serving the Lord more authentically. Pastors I worked with in a youth programi n my 20's. Franciscan brothers who got me involved in a day shelter for the homeless when I was in my 30's. Then in the 40's I came to the realization that I needed to worship more authentically and commit myself more deeply to the Church. Now that I am in my 50's hopefully the Lord will continue to use me and guide me. One thing I have come to learn and R's email reinforced it for me, I'm not fleeing anymore. Hello, I am a priest and have made the exercises a number of times, but this is the first time in the "world." As I finish the second week, it has been very enlightening to slowly pause on both bad memories and too on how God's awesome love as undergirded me my entire life. You may use or publish my e/mail address if you wish. I like sharing with others.Thanks, -- Fr. Francis WK2 speed! speed! through the week. I read the guide three times this week and it did not stay with me. A horrible time on thursday, trying to to be a peacemake at work and I failed. I realized that I am not alone and discuss matters with friends next day and I prayed. I was much better. I remind myself that the online retreat is not a test and has no evaluations. I am sure there is the grace from god this week. I thank God and the opportunity to be in it and reading the sharings of others who is on the same pilgrimage. As I finish the second week of the retreat I am distressed. First, the week itself was just discombobulated in general; last week was especially good—‘this too shall pass’—and it did. But that’s all part of the process and I adjusted. I teach high school in Colorado Springs, pretty close to the school where the shooting occurred this week. I find today that I am rather shaken by the whole event—in ways that I cannot explain nor quickly understand. I am sitting here, fighting back tears, because, after all, I can’t really just cry in my classroom. I know that ‘all things work together for good...’ but I just don’t understand how... and I’m ‘suppose to.’ Anyway, I pray for the continuing Grace to take the next necessary step—one foot in front of the other and to carry on with renewed seeking of God’s will in my daily life. How to be a good disciple; a good husband; and a good teacher—and to offer it all up to God for His glory and my salvation... Wow, what a week. Thank God it’s Friday for real. I feel so fortunate to have found this retreat- I just completed a 3 year formation program to become a spiritual director- a type of mystique had developed around the Ignatian exercises for me since someone told me you really need to do them with a spiritual director. But after I completed the program I was looking for something to help me continue to deepen my relationship with God and a former classmate told me about this web site and so I have begun even though I am a bit scared of it. I am starting week 2 and I am moved already by the abundance of grace that God has shared with me. I want to share two insights I have received.Through past retreats and exercises, I knew that the loss of my mother at the tender age of 7 days had affected my whole life. I am now 63. As I was growing up,no one ever talked about her and it wasnt until I began asking questions several years ago that I started to find out who she was as a person and the circumstances of her death. But here is the grace of this retreat: today during Mass it came to me that God wanted me to forgive her doctor and to pray for him and bless him. This came about because I worked with the image that when my mother died, her doctor cried. A very elderly aunt shared that fact with me. As I stayed with this picture, I was very moved and I have forgiven him and offered that Mass for his soul. I had never thought about him in any way prior to this except to partially hold him responsible for her death which was from a blood clot to her lung. The other thing I wanted to share was a dream I had that amazed me- I was so touched by a couple of the readings for last week and this week- especially the one that talked about how God accepts us as we are and how "God tends to us" I dreamt that I was taking care of a young baby and twice during the dream I couldnt find the baby. (This reminded me too of an old column by Erma Bombeck who said this was one reason that old people dont have babies- they would forget where they put them!)But in my dream both times I found the baby in the chapel and being well taken care of by others in the church. I am not an expert on dreams but I think given the context of our life review the past two weeks, that baby was me and God was reassuring me that He does indeed "tend to us." I do presently have a spiritual director and I hope she will help me with this retreat but it is also very helpful to read what other struggling souls write on this site. You have permission to use my name. God Bless you. -- Pat This is Week 2 for me. The question about feeling God's presence reminded me of something. I am 83 but still need to grow. Back in 1972 I received the Baptism in the Holy Spirit, also referred to as Release of the Holy Spirit. I had never been certain of my identity. When I was seven my mother told me that God had given me to her to take the place of her mother who died six months before I was born. I took this literally at the time and tried very hard to do everything she said. Sometimes she would say, "You are just like my mother." At other times she would say, "You are just like your father" or "You are like your Aunt Kate." I was never sure which "mask" I was supposed to wear. This was on my mind a week after the Baptism when I suddenly saw myself through the windshield of the car I was driving. In the picture I was grown up but my hair was cut the way it was when I was five. When the picture disappeared I suddenly felt a rush of pleasant heat go through me and for just seconds I felt God's love for me and realized I am not my grandmother or anybody else except myself. God knows me completely and can never ever misunderstand me. Ever since then when I begin to get upset about something I say to myself, "GOD KNOWS." I very much appreciate your Retreat..It has already helped me to begin to tie up some loose strings in my relationships. It has also surprised me with a realization that some relationships that were dear to me were deeper and more beautiful than I had realized.Thank you so very, very much. God bless you. -- "Cub" |