Week 6
Week 6: This is about personal sin. If I really get started I'll be at it a long time. I've been warned about scrupulosity. Funny how knowing the real meaning of the word changes things. I always thought to be unscrupulous was a bad thing so the opposite must be a good thing. Not at all as I've found out.
If we had no free will then God would be the puppet master and everyone would be perfect. How glad I am that He didn't arrange it that way! How can love mean anything if it's not free? Even though I've fallen many times He brings good even out of my imperfections. If I'd never sinned I'd never be able to start to grasp the depth of His Mercy and Forgiveness. And even
as awesome as those are, personally I've found that His forgetting is even more amazing! Eternity won't be long enough to thank Him for His great love that puts up with me and still welcomes me back into His arms and into His family.
I am week 6. Last night, Holy Thursday, I gathered with many to celebrate. These 6 weeks helped me celebrate with more awareness than ever before. During the Gospel, "Do you realize what I have done for you?"(John 13:12), jumped into my mind, heart, body and soul powerfully. I believe that the "background" exercises done so far prepared me for this Good News question. My answer is incomplete and a new beginning.
How timely is week
6!
I simply offer this weeks retreat for me and my siblings but mostly
for my "little sister" as she completes her couples retreat
today and we pray that God's grace and forgiveness intervene and protect
her family, two little boys and husband from the destruction of sin
and personal rebellion. Her brother and sisters are no stranger to her
same pain. I humbly ask God for forgiveness for my own rebellion as
well as that of each of us that struggles to walk with Jesus
--Mark
Week 6: I'm new to this sharing business, but reading what others have
shared has made such an impression on me, that I finally decided to
try.
I'm in Week 6 -- have been for the past 3 weeks. So
many sins in my past and present life! I spent a lot of time trying
to analyze and list them. Here's the result (next week I'll probably
add some more!):
-Being self-centered, rather than "others-centered" -- failing
to see Jesus in everyone I meet and treating them accordingly.
-Unwillingness to help others spontaneously without first considering
the effort and discomfort that that will cost me.
-Emphasis on "having fun" rather than engaging in pastimes
that would improve my mind, my body, my heart, and most of all my immortal
soul.
-Impatience and unkindness -- losing my temper at the slightest provocation
and launching into verbal abuse in an attempt to hurt him/her who is
the cause of my anger. How petty I can be!
-Wanting to plot and plan every detail of my life, rather than leaving
that to God. I don't have faith/trust in God's ability to look after
me as well as I think I can by myself. I am unwilling to "let go"
and trust God to work his Will in my life. I guess I fear that I may
not like the result. I want to retain a "veto" power over
what God wants me to do or not to do. I want to be "in control"
over every aspect of my life. Maybe it's that old sin, Pride?
-Sure, I want to do God's Will -- but I still want to overeat and overdrink,
gamble, miss Mass on Sunday when it interferes with my vacations, have
sexual freedom, and generally ignore what the Church teaches us about
our moral responsibilities. Why can't I realize that "No man can
serve two masters"?
I need your prayers. I need to continue with this Retreat -- it has
already started to change my life for the better. But I need to slow
down -- I sped through the first 5 weeks but now I realize I've got
to give God's grace more time to work in me. I don't know how much longer
Week 6 will take, but I'm sure God will let me know when I'm ready to
move on.
I sure do like to read the comments of all the others who are making
this retreat -- I feel bonded with all of them in a type of spiritual
kinship I've never known before.
-- Joe
Week
6: This is my second time through the Exercises. The past few
weeks have been hard but I know that our Lord only gives us what we
can handle. And he shows us where he wants to heal us. So, yes, looking
at sin is difficult but the beginnings of healing are tremendous! When I started to look at the patterns of sin in
my life, I prayed to find the deepest roots of my sin. Where had I
been malformed? What lie did I believe along the way? I was told once
by a religious that fear is the root of all evil. So what I am I afraid
of? As I started to connect the dots in week 6, it came to me. “You
are afraid of not being loved.” The more I contemplated that
statement the more it became an answer to, “why do I do the
things I do?”It took me a couple of days to come to terms with
this truth. The Holy Spirit was very generous with gifts of understanding
and knowledge. I read all that the website had to offer, I realized
I had believed a lie. I am loved! My heavenly father is crazy about
me! I don’t need to control my relationships or conversations.
I don’t need to be extra sensitive to how I am being treated
or spoken to. I can even knock off the self-deprecating humor! I wasn’t
carrying it off well anyhow…I used to see myself as the older son in the parable
of the Prodigal Son. That is part of my pride. Upon further reflection
and mega doses of knowledge, piety and wisdom I see that I am the
younger son on my way back to my father. For the first time in my
life, humility feels wonderful.
Dear
brothers and sisters in God,
This week I am in 6th week. As everybody says "
a very difficult one ". In my country there are no Jesuit priests,
that is why I mail to you, for certain topic, that I need help, support
and lead.First two days in this week, I spent on my deeds and sins,
I did till I became 18th. Suddenly
a thought came to my mind " since I was not baptized at that
time, those sins are not existing for God ". In fact I baptized
myself, when I was 29 years old, at 1989. I was really led by God
to do so.Now my question
is whether to consider the time before my baptizing as a blank period
for sins or bad doings, because in fact I did not know God and His
will and commandments and the scriptures. In the communist times,
that was even forbidden. Or I have still to contemplate at least the
bad behaviour of mine against the other people arround me. Pax Christi!
-- Sofia
Week
6: God is with me in such a special way today. Playing music
from the St. Louis Jesuits in the background, I picked up the book:
"Healing Life's Hurts" by Dennis and Matthew Linn, S.J. A
book I've had since the 1980s--but never read. NOW is the time I need
to deal with the "healing memories" approach used by these
two Jesuits. "Healing of memories happens when we discover that
a painful time of our past need no longer cripple us but can bless us.
In coming to appreciate how every moment can gift us, we discover for
ourselves what spirituality and psychology has recognized as key to
the healing process."
I picked up the directives for Week 6 of the 34-day retreat again and
re-read the guides given to us. This time the directives really grabbed
hold of me. The grace of this week is "to experience deep gratitude
for the profound depth of God's love and mercy for me." In reflecting
on the theme of this week, my thoughts reverted back to the awe-inspiring
image of the crucified Jesus on the wall of the chapel in the Jesuit
Retreat House in Oshkosh. The image compels us to take notice of the
profound love, faithfulness, and generosity of an all-forgiving God.
Yes, by letting myself feel the sin in my life--crying copious tears
of repentance--I received the grace to "know God more intimately…as
I was overwhelmed with God's love for me there--as a sinner." Yes,
sin is how I violate, ignore and freely choose to replace God's prior
relationship with creatures using my own "self-centered blue print."
I then remembered the song of Mary Magdalene in “Jesus Christ
Superstar:” – “If He said He loved me, I’d be
lost, I’d be frightened. I couldn’t cope, just couldn’t
cope. I’d turn my head. I’d back away.” --feeling
totally unworthy of His love for me. I
pray that I may grow in my understanding that "God intensely
desires us to come more and more alive, alert, aware and sensitive
to His presence in His presents (gifts)… Forgiving us is God's
judicial side; continuing our personal creation is His compassionate
side.""God, I
am most grateful for your ongoing redeeming love that both cancels
the debt against me and that opens me to have life and have it to
the full." Help me with your grace and your love.
Week
6. This week has been very challenging. I am overwhelmed by
the disorder of my sins. I am surprised to discover that my sins of
omission-"in what I have failed to do" bring the most guilt.
I imagine Jesus sitting beside me holding my hand as I address and ask
for forgiveness for my sins.
May
all of us emerge from week 6 with forgiven and reconciled hearts.
--Adele
Week
Six: Who ever said that the only two certainties in life are
death and taxes, should have added sin to the list. Despite my best
intentions, I sin. I should be completely depressed with such a defeatist
attitude, but I am not. While sin can be the death of a soul, I prefer
to think of it is another opportunity to turn to my Savior. Even when
he cures me and says, “Sin no more,” I interpret that as
a hope that I do my best. And whether it be the sins of society or my
personal sins, I know the Original sin has led me down this path of
sin and death. The only cure for both is “dying to myself”
which I seem to instinctively resist. I know I am called to not be instinctive,
but to act deliberately, weighing the value of my actions for God’s
Greater Glory.
Week
6: I have reflected during the week on the nature of sin. I
sought out the definitions: Thomas Aquinas, Augustine, the Church Catechism.
My favorite is Augustine’s commentary that it is the absence of
God. It seems especially true when I think of those central tenets of
love: of reaching out with compassion to those in need, of turning the
other cheek; of becoming known for the love that we show each other.
In meditating on this I couldn’t help feeling that my daily commute
between home and work is a great battle plain in my struggle to exercise
these tenets where I so often encounter the absence of God in my behavior.
So many times I have set out on commutes, sometimes directly from church
and deep meditation, with the firm intention of exercising these Christian
virtues that I hold dear to my heart. But then someone cuts in front
of me, or dodges in and out, or lazes along while talking on their cell
phone. I almost always fail after a mile or so. I rant, I shake my fist,
I honk, I squeeze the space in front of me- no matter how hard I try.
It happens every day.
At
its core, this behavior of mine is putting forward my own ego. How
dare they! At its core it is no different than long bitter family
feuds, at its core it is no different than the ancient conflicts between
peoples, or the random violence of terrorists. I really believe this.
Putting one’s self before others is at the core. It is the absence
of God in my decision making. Who knows how we might act when faced
with different circumstances when we constantly think about our own
self first?
-- Dan
Week
6: After getting through 6 weeks I have had to start from the
beginning..The confusion and doubt as to what was happening had created
a bottom which there was no other way to go.After returning to the beginning
a flood of pictures from the past became overwhelming.Writing these
down this time has given this retreat new meaning and a direction in
which to go without the confusion.Knowing that God is there and helping
has been a comfort in itself.Everywhere I look I am seeing what I needed
to see the first time but was too insane to see.Having someone there
to share with while I have been taking this journey, I am grateful for.An
accident which one of my children would most certainly lost her life
in and came out with only scratches was God's doing and has giving them
a belief which was not there before either.I have to thank God for the
ones he has worked his wonders through by giving me this retreat.
-- Cathy
Week
6 has been hard for me. I find it easy to welcome distractions
and not think about what I need to. I feel like I have spent the past
several years focusing on my sins and this is confusing. I just need
to pray for God's guidance in showing me what he wants me to see at
this time. I always try to focus on the mercy of God in my daily life.
It is my hope and strength. I think maybe I need to look at my attitude
toward myself, in loving and accepting myself despite all my shortcomings.
May God help us in helping ourselves. Lord, I believe, help my unbelief!
I have
found that making use of various links and ministries increases my concentration.
I also tend somehow to choose things that relate but they don't have
to. A talk I went to suggested varying spiritual practices. anything
done often enough seems to go smoother when spirituality applications
are varied.
I feel like God's begining to come in closer which just makes me smile.
To change the world we have to start with ourselves. It's like in the
gospel where it says about how can change what is blocking our neighbor's
sight until we first change what is blocking our sight.
Six weeks completed.
Week
6 contained this statement:"...sin is the action which
flows from the attitude that my selfish, greedy and irreverent relationship
with any of God's creatures replaces God's own relationship with them."
So here I bump into myself. I depersonalize people who impinge on what
I value. Yes I see the contradiction in that , given that I maintain
that my deepest desire is to do God's will. We are talking about sin
aren't we. I realized that I seem to have defined myself by my stand
against those who are dangerous, controlling, disrespectful and arrogant.
Consequently I have to retain their sins; keep their sins alive in my
experience. That keeps me bound into my own sin.
I need to let God define me instead of letting sin do so. The retention
or forgiveness of sins is interesting. It shifts the impact or effect
of retention or forgiveness from the sinner to the sinned against. The
sinner may have long ago ceased to sin and been reconciled to God, but
the sinned against, by holding onto the sin , that is retaining it,
continues the effect of the sin and so continues the sin.
Week
6: Again, I find this week difficult particularly since I really
like self improvement programs and I recognise patterns of sin in my
life that just don't go away. What have I being doing? That's where
I found the short excerpt from Father Kavanaugh, "Our Sinfulness
and Our Goodness" useful. It's equally as problemmatic not recognising
being loved as not recognising our sin. So I feel greatful for God's
love and I realise that I need to give up the idea that avoiding sin
and the occasions of sin is not a self improvement program. In fact,
a good deal of the root of my sin lies in being so anxious to do something
or what will happen next that I ignore everyday situations as opportunities
to praise, revere and serve God. When I do that self indulgence and
self-centredness takes over. I need to rest more in God's love for me
and let that grace really take over.
Week
6: The intro to week 6 makes very little sense to me. This
is because I AM one of the ones on "the bottom of the totem pole".......I
don't live a comfortable life and I do give to others.....anyone who
does paid or unpaid work for a parish office can tell you horror stories
of how unChristian both lay members and clergy can be.
And, no, I DON'T see this big love God has for me......not if I am to
get it from the examples of my fellow parish members, or even from members
of the clergy.
This past weekend, a priest mentioned something about if we could allow
ourselves to do small things that only God sees......such as picking
up a piece of paper off the floor and throwing it away......shoot, I've
been doing stuff like that most of my life, without thinking about it,
it's just something I do. The problem is with church persons who think
I'm daft or someone who they can take advantage of, not merely because
I am "that way", but, because they also know that besides
what I naturally do, I also try to do "extra". And then they
treat me like dirt, because they know that I will attempt to forgive,
even if/when I get angry. Where's God in that? I don't know.
I guess that's my exercise for the week, to seek God in the midst of
my experience of being rudely treated by my fellow Christians. Well,
that puts me back in St. Paul's prison letters, I suppose.
Week
6 I realized late in life that being a sinner had less to do
with shame, wrong-doing, and judgment, and more to do with a love relationship.
I thus became a sinner late in life – only when I truly experienced
god-like, unconditional love.
-- Anita
Sixth
Week - hard but get relief from discovering my arrogant rebellion
and history of aggression or flight when I don't get what I want - all
through the grace of God of course.
Week
6. Talk about sins with some friends and about confession.
We don't seem to go to confession. I said to myself that I would go
this week but too busy and did not set the time for it. I seems to be
to busy, veryl ittle time for God. I fall down again and have to pick
myself up with Jesus help and try again next week.
Week 6: During the week, a thought prompted by the liturgical
readings get popping into my head. "If I know all I know about
Jesus ....why do I not change immediately ....? Why do I repeatedly
return to my rebellious ways? I see what is required. I want it".
Then traveling for work this week reminds me that at the root of a lot
of my rebellion is my self absorption. Somehow, traveling presents little
vignettes that get repeated over and over again, from assumptions I
make about others (often erroneously negative) to just plain focus on
getting my own way (when God's way might be the alternative). I relate
deeply to the scene of "auctioning off the cross". I imagine
that even in the noise that is surrounding this event there is someone
there who sees the deeper meaning of the cross. I see in my own life
that often when I have been auctioning off the cross there are ironic
graces there. These are often people who bring me back ... get me out
of that place of sin and help me to return to the Lord's grace.
But I also think more deeply that in the repeated patterns, which can
be easy to rationalize, the really "shameful" parts are the
consequences on others ... some who are even these "messengers
of grace". So when I am at my most self destructive, I am inhibiting
what I can give to others. When I am feeling physically violent (whether
or not I physically harm someone) I am preventing peace from really
flowing. As I reflected last week ... the seed of peace start internally
... rationally debating the "real politik" of war does not
bring the radical change that I think the Lord is calling us to.
At any rate, I continue to be thankful for the graces that keep appearing
in my life to turn me away from auctioning the cross to actually reaching
out to buy it and maybe carry it out of that hall.
When I did an overview of WEEK 6, my thoughts were,
"don't go there". As a gay man as soon as I think of sin I
think of my orientation. As much as I have spent a good deal of time
trying to integrate, the old tapes if you will, keep coming on and cause
much pain. The institutional church has never been a help and only a
hindrance. So my thoughts have always rested with a God who made me
as I am and loves me as I am.
This week however I started to hear another voice the voice of Wisdom/Sophia
that basically said, "get over it". As long as I keep thinking
of my orientation as sin I don't look at any other part of my life.
There is plenty there to look at and ask forgiveness for. My orientation
is like my lack of hair, it does not define me.
This week as part of my prayer I would spend time holding a cross given
to me by my closest friend, who died this week five years ago. As I
stared at the corpus I became aware of my Lord saying to me, "I
love you just as you are!" From that moment I started to look at
my life, and found a man who dresses as a "warrior" when dealing
with issues and does not take them to prayer. So my actions cause pain
to others pain that I have always reject in the institutional church,
I was no better than Rome.
Still my God says, "come to me and live in the light."
Instead of this week being heavy with sin, my sin has become a passage
to freedom and a way into the arms of the crucified Lord. Praise be
Jesus Christ!
Thank you for the gift of this week.
--R of RI
I am finishing the 6th week.....seems God is always
spoken of as a person and how can a person be everywhere and part of
us....the image doesn't work for me......this past week I have struggled,
as always, to believe and know that God loves each of us as we love
out own children....."the God within" is in many readings
...that was a hard image for me to grasp......as I was struggling with
this the other morning the thought, image or whatever one want to call
it, came to me that God is the force that lives in all of us everywhere
.......the force is love....we have heard that too, that "god is
love".....when we act and often badly and for what we see as for
our own good the force transforms us (resurection ?) and our acts to
heal the effect caused.....that gives us hope that "all will be
well" as Julian says and that love, which is God, is always working
for our well being and is always with us....when i take the personhood
out of my image of God so much becomes clearer and more hopeful....I
have a grown son with schizophrenia and for such a brilliant mind to
be so afflicted has been a 25 year struggle and when this new image
of God came to me I finally could see that God was with him and caring
for him....... his family's care, love and concern for him was the force
of God and we are the instruments.....his father died when our son was
19 ......I try to feel he is still involved but I believe he is.....I
hope this makes a bit of sense to my fellow retreatants wherever you
are,,,,this retreat is a wonderful
oasis to turn to each day.....P.S. Last week I took two
young grandchildren to the observatory to see some events going on in
the sky ......it is a spiritual experience to observe the awesome power
of this force I am seeing as God.....what is in store for us in eternity?
Week 6:As a contract worker, I entered this week's retreat
knowing that my assignment was ending on Friday and with no prospect
for another one in sight. It seemed quite appropriate that we've been
meditating on our selfishness & self-centeredness. I've been a recovering
alcoholic for more than 23 years and it's been part of my recovery to
learn to "get out of self", "help others", and "it's
not about me." On the second day of the retreat, I found out that
a friend in recovery, who was somewhat of a recluse, was found dead
in her apartment! She had died a week before but it took that long for
someone to check up on her. Because of this week's retreat, I began
to feel shame and guilt on top of sadness! I had been so self-centered
last week that, even though I had thought of this friend several times,
I never took the time to call and check up on her! I believe the Holy
Spirit had been trying to reach me to reach out to her. But I wasn't
listening! I realize today that I couldn't have done anything to save
her. She was already dead by the time the first thought of her came
to me. But maybe somebody could have found her sooner! Tomorrow I will
attend her memorial service. And the next day, I'll help another friend
clean up our deceased friend's apartment. Taking those actions, I'll
get out of myself and help others for a while. I won't have time to
think about my job prospects. I know my God will give me what I need.
It's not about me!
After
sharing my struggle with sin in myself and in others and asking for
the prayers of all who are making this retreat, I went on to read the
sharings of so many who have been or are now dealing with the work of weeks 5 and 6. Just had to stop and thank all who have
shared. Your revelations particularly the image of Christ at the center
of all have helped me greatly and I have not even finished them all.
I thank God for the grace and the movement of the Holy Spirit in the
vehicle of this retreat. The international internet , what a blessing.
What a reminder that Jesus is Lord of all, God is the father of all
and the Holy Spirit the guide and comforter of all.
It
is amazing to me that it is taking me months instead of weeks with this
retreat. I began last summer and have restarted again and am still only
at week six. Still it has been a blessed journey. Around
week 3 , I left my home for what I thought would be another of many
short trips from my home on the west bank of New Orleans. I was blessed
far beyond so many of the Katrina victimes and evacuees. My husband
insisted on relocating once we had experienced the ramifications of
katrina and our adult children had experienced the consequences of Rita.
Subsequently so much of what had been familiar for almost 60 years has
had to be redefined. Unfortunately this has included my faith. New Orleans
was a very Catholic ciity and now I am in the bible belt where protestants
are a distinct majority and the cultural mores are still rooted in "separate
but equal" . Here Sunday morning remains the mos segregated time
of the week. Consequently as a Catholic who is african -american and
has been accustomed to multi-cultural worship experiences, I am distracted
during the mass and feel uncomfortable in either parish ,both of which
maintain their historic racial identityapparently by choice. I grew
up in a baptist church where the leadership was very active in the civil
rights movement. I have always been a seeker of unity among all of God's
people. I haave met a few people who seem to be struggling to change
things here. Still it seems superficial to me when this separate worshiip
continues. Week
6 has aided me in seeing the resentment that I hold toward all tha is
racist. I am truly stuck. I don't even know who to turn to for spiritual
direction. I have a history of clinical depression and am trying to
follow the suggestions for this weeks retreat. May God have mercy on
all of us as we press on tooward the prize of holiness in the face of
so much th at is sinful.. I know that this resentment must be healed.
I ask the prayers of all who journey on this retreat.
It's
the 6th Week, and I'm having a difficult time. I've
been trying to figure out what it is that God is showing me. I think
I'm 'getting' it, but I'm really perplexed as to how to deal with it.
If the problem (sin) is what I'm thinking it is, I really need grace,
because it would likely require an 'overhaul' of my personality. How
do you change who you are? Who you've been all these many years? Even
after committing to Jesus Christ.
I need 'intervention' Lord! Your grace, please.
Specifically, ever since I gave my life to Christ; and became 'sold
out' as St. Paul said, studied, prayed, studied and learned the scriptures,
I've come to believe in speaking the truth as I know it and see it.
I don't sugarcoat situations, stories, etc., for myself or others. (I
don't want this to sound harsh.
I hope it does not. The Truth is beautiful, but people sometimes don't
want to hear it, and when they do, it's too 'severe' to their liking.)
I try hard to 'go by the rules'. Desiring to be obedient to Christ and
the Church. Sometimes I lack patience with individuals who live their
life making up their own rules, with respect to our faith, etc. "Cafeteria-style
Catholics".
I mentioned this in confession.
I'd come to confess my sin, that I was quite annoyed with a friend because
I knew my friend had voted for ProChoice candidates because of party
loyalty; letting party loyalty reign over Christian responsibility of
protecting life.
My friend knew the vote was wrong. Did it anyway, then went to confession.
Where's the integrity in that? I really was annoyed. Then troubled by
how much it bothered me . . . (talk about how sin spreads, and affects
others!) so I went to confession, and the priest thought my confession
sounded like I was prideful.
I was hurt and confused. (Am I prideful? I don't think so. But we don't
always see ourselves the way others do.)
I'd like the truth. Please Lord, if that's me being prideful, tell me
clearly, and please help me. Thank You. I don't want to be prideful.
Strong in your Word and Faith, like St. Paul, but not prideful, please.
Another similar thing happened and a priest suggested that it sounded
like "I'm trying to earn my salvation". That's not it. I believe
positively that I am saved through Jesus Christ and his Cross, and Him
only . . . none of it of my doing, but all only through His grace, and
His love. No doubt in my mind about that.
This is not presumption. This is faith and confidence in the power and
promises of the words of Jesus Christ. Standing in belief on the promises
of Christ.
The current issue? Confusing? Yes. How is it that a priest in a confessional
would misinterpret what a person is attempting to express as a matter
of confidence in obedience, yet confessing sin, could then be fine-tuned
(or, translated) and the confession, according to the priest, sounds
like "earning your salvation"?
I'm not blaming the priest. I was hurt. Yes. But I'm paying attention.
God's priest is speaking, and I need to listen. "I need Your help,
Jesus."
I am a seeker of Truth. God knows that.
Maybe I don't express myself clearly enough? I can work on that, through
God's grace. The pride thing, though? . . . "Lord, if it's there
and I don't recognize it, but others do, I really need your grace!"
Can it be that the person who points to the Truth is the problem? Please
show me. (As Thomas Merton said, "I believe that my desire to please
you does indeed please you." And that is my goal, Lord Jesus.)
Please Lord, I really need your grace. Thank You.
I
so want relief from some of my most bothersome sins that I become easily
upset with my slow progress in this weeks retreat. It seems I get temporary
relief only for the sin to return again. I'd forgotten about my perfectionistic
attitude and about my"desirings." I need only to desire "to
praise,revere and serve God",but most often I tack on a whole bunch
of other desires.
I beginning to get small glimpses of the cost of my sins. I'm someone
who likes a bargain and sin sure isn't one but this retreat certainly
is.
The last few weeks I have been holding out on you all and have not been
sharing. I'm working on correcting this. Thank you all for sharing.
As soon as I started reading your experience,strength and hope I started
feeling better about myself. My "terminal uniqueness" is one
of my first casualities when I read of your struggles.
Pray for me I'll pray for you.
-- Bob D.
i
have written each week so far but this week i feel horrible and cant
seem to think straight. i feel alone and unsure of how to go on so i
am just ' checking in ' but dont know what else to do . yours nell
As I started
week 6, the first day, I was nearly paralyzed with fear. I thought of
past sins that I had never confessed and actually almost forgotten and
was overcome by my separation from God. By the second day though, I
felt the presence of God reassuring me that we could be together again.
I still have to go to confession but I think now I have the strength
to do it, which I never had before. It’s scary but I know, through
that moment of grace, that God walks with me to the confessional and
He’ll be beside me as I speak. Thank you God!
One
of the thouhgts that kept popping up this week for me focused on healing.
I remembered a time when I was praying intensely to God for healing
of a family member who suffered with depression and Parkinson's and
who went from being a an optimistic, cheery person to a person who rarely
spoke or smiled. As I prayed for her healing and wasn't getting the
results I hoped for, I grew more and more frustrated at God until one
night when I "had it out" with God. I cried and screamed at
God until I was exhausted. Then I felt a peacefulness come over me and
I heard an inner voice say, "I will heal you so you can love this
person as she is and not as she was." I had a whole different attitude
and released the heavy load I was carrying and focused on being a loving
person to this family member. I got to thinking later that most of the
problems I face are not from outside, there's a lot of interior stuff
unresolved. I gave permission to God to heal me first so that having
been healed, I can in turn be a healing presence for others. To love
as I have been loved. Jesus said "Love one another as I have loved
you." My ability or capacity to love others is dependent on how
I allow myself to be loved and forgiven. I can't give what I don't have.
Week
6: Struggling with depression and without the benefit of a
spiritual director, it was tempting to say, “I don’t need
this” or “I can’t continue”. As the Psalmist
says, “My sin is ever before me.” But I do need this and
I am determined to continue. I am focusing on my sins not as failures
but as evidence of my profound need for Christ and as proofs of the
chasms he can leap to reach my heart. During this week, I was spontaneously
reminded of that little verse we sing at Eucharistic Benediction: “He has given
us bread from heaven Containing within it all sweetness.”Christ’s
heart is like a candy shop! “Containing within it all sweetness!”
And we, WE, somehow, ARE HIS SWEETS!Tom, Pennsylvania
I
have asked Jesus, why don't you come down from that cross? Why did God
want a bloody sacrifice? I had it all wrong. It took me so long to receive
the grace to see the beauty of Jesus on the cross. Now, I see my sin
in the way of joining Jesus on the cross. Week 6
- Christine
I
really resisted this meditation: I don’t WANT to think about my
sin! Furthermore, I have a convoluted brain that tangles around issues:
am I not doing more to serve the poor because of sin or because God
knows I would be too proud of my “holiness” for doing it?So
I asked God to bypass my “smart,” confused brain and give
me an image. The
image that came to mind was one from a family camping trip. We were
trying to start a fire to cook our dinner. One minute it was burning
just fine. I sat down and looked away—and just a minute or two
later, the fire had changed to smoldering, smoky logs. We were so frustrated
with that fire and the way it just wouldn’t keep burning!I think
that illustrates my life and my sin. I feel comfortable with my log
state and don’t want to abandon myself to the fire. God lights
a fire and I refuse to burn. I am smoky rather than light. I cling to
the “safe” and familiar (and unattractive and useless).I
don’t really know what the fire IS, I don’t really know
how I am dampening it, but I feel the truth of the image and pray that
I (that we) will BURN!
Love to you, fellow travelers! Some day I hope to be a warm crackling
fire to comfort you on your journey and provide a place where you can
be fed.
Last
week was a struggle for me as I was asked to think deeply about my past
sins and the shame and guilt of them. I finally realized the problem
I was having was related to the fact that I have been abundantly aware
of God's graces in my life and his forgiveness. I have spent intensive
weeks and hours in prayer over the sins I have committed and the shamefulness
that is mine. The power of forgiveness has been experienced in my own
heart and life so vigorously that it wasn't really possible to go there
again, because it was unnecessary to try to revisit the shame and guilt
that I have been forgiven of. It seemed more an exercise than a spiritual
awakening because I am already so aware of my need for forgiveness and
God's grace through Jesus to save me from sin. Forgiveness
is such a loosening of chains of bondage, that until experienced, it
isn't possible to truly reveal to someone else how freeing it is; not
just our own forgiveness, but the ability to forgive others their sins
against us. The ability to truly pray for our enemies and to pray for
their conversion and change of heart in the spirit of Christ is an act
of love we cannot accomplish on our own. Jesus lends us his love and
mercy when we ask in true humility and honesty; and it will happen spontaneously,
immediately without any further effort on our part, if we have asked
out of love and a need to do His will and not our own. The forgiveness
and peace that floods your heart is not of this world, not something
you can attain through any striving or efforts of your own, but a graced
gift from God. It won't even be possible to re-kindle the rage and anger
you felt 10 seconds ago, the transformation is that complete. My prayer
would be that everyone could experience that forgiveness, could understand
in our frail human way the depths of God's love and mercy. It sustains,
it nurtures, it pulls us towards him as a magnet affects the metal around
it through no effort on its part. But unlike metal attracted to a magnet,
God wants us to choose. His power can't be accomplished without our
consent. For God nothing is impossible except to force us to choose
Him. And he created that restriction himself. The step forward is up
to each of us. We can only be forgiven when we are ready to forgive
those who have hurt us. I can only say that taking that step is the
only sure path to Life.
This is my 6th week. Each
week has been refreshing for me, I am beginning to see more of my inner
being. As I read the writing of others, I see how much we all are alike
in spite of our differences; we all have inner pain, sin, disappointments,
and grief. Most importantly, we all have a loving God to turn to for
help, we have Jesus as our savior and friend, and we have the wonderful
Holy Spirit as our comforter, counselor, and helper.
The reflection for today was especially healing for me, in allowing
myself to open up to my own inner pain, and disappointments from others,
I can now lay those sorrows to rest and allow the Holy Spirit to move
me forward in God's plan. As I reflected on the reading for today, I
was led to pause and pray for each person making this retreat, and I
believe each of us will emerge as stronger beings in God.
I am finding week 6 to
be a difficult struggle. It is hard for me to move past the overwhelming
nature of my own weakness and sinfulness, to think of God's love and
mercy. I know it is sin in itself to become this despondent, but I feel
that I try so hard and yet always fail, and that I can never satisfy
the standard of perfection that God seeks. Never even close. I just
become overwhelmed with feeling like a bad person and a failure. Again,
I know that obsessing about my own failings and not seeing past them
to God's love is itself sinful, but I can't seem to move past it. I
don't feel the acceptance or love that is discussed. I don't know what
to do. To be honest, I'm just sharing this and waiting for this week
to end. In every thing I do this week, I see how it falls short of what
I should do, and in my spare moments, I think of the past and all the
other ways I have failed. I am so tired. To be honest, I get angry that
it feels so impossible to be a good person. What is "good enough"?
Can I ever feel it? I know that my anger is sin too. It's neverending!
This week has seemed very strange for me.
I did learn to pray and ask for the grace to be able to "see"
more clearly exactly where I have separated myself from God. I went
to confession and said how I feel that I am not close at all to God.
I have seen areas where I held resentments still toward people. I have
prayed for them to be blessed. Mostly I feel like "I" didn;t
do well this week. But I think I am begining to get a hint of understanding
that is isn't "me" who can progress as I go through the exercises
of this retreat, I can only pray to "Let Go" of self , and
grab hold of the tiny bits of hope that seem to come for just a second
as new "pieces of stuff I can't explain" gets into my heart.
Thank you so much for a place to share this. It helps me. Week
6.
I had done this retreat a year ago with a
spiritual director, but didn't really go that deeply into Week 6. I
"did" the week, and then moved on. While I have "acknowledged"
my sins, I never really thought of myself as all that bad. Since I finished
the retreat, I've been praying that God would bring me closer to him,
especially since I have always struggled with knowing his love for me.
Several days ago, I became overwhelmed, for the first time in my life,
of my sinfulness. I reviewed Week 6, and I see now
that this is a grace from him, and the only way for me to grow closer
to him is to finally truly understand my sinfulness before him, and
to experience his forgiveness. It's very hard to realize my true level
of sin. Please pray for me. Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me, a sinner.
This is the end of Week 6 of the retreat for me and there was a lot of "stuff" going on at work
& home so I didn't think I was progressing. I found this picture
of Christ crucified with rays coming down from the cross over the world.
I see it as depicting His deep love for all of us. Although I haven’t
been able to focus on the retreat images & work in the background
like I did in the earlier weeks, I was able to focus on this image and
tried to see myself standing next to the cross and feel myself being
enveloped by those rays of love. It was consoling &, I think, a
major grace this week. And now that I reflect, it seems that even though
I’m thinking I didn’t “do the retreat right”
because the events of this week seemed to be distracting me, they were
in fact God’s answer to my prayer to shine a light on areas where
I need to look—at repeating patterns of sin. At least this time,
I did think of God and going to Him. Lord, I do need your forgiveness
& love so much….and the guidance of the Holy Spirit to help
me to see more about breaking these patterns. I really need the grace
to trust in God & His help.
Thanks again for providing this wonderful Retreat opportunity. My prayers
go out to all of you responsible for this site and for those participating
in the Retreat. Please pray for me also.
Week
6: This week talks about sin, global sin and personal sin.
I find it really difficult to reflect on. The 911 event is a big sin
and I wonder how people could do that. I did pray for the dead
and wounded, as well as their families and friends. and I asked
God to healed all those involved in this event. As for presonal sin,
Theoretically, I admit that I am a sinner but deep in my heart that
sense of pride is still there. Lord, please forgive me.
I am just starting the sixth week of the retreat. I have always thought of myself as a good person,
and wondered what sins I had that I needed to reflect on. I know
that God knows all my sins and then I suddenly realized that I do not.
My eyes opened and I realized that I was feeling a pride that I counld
not take credit for. Everything that has been happening to me
as of late was not because of what I have done, but because of what
God has done. Thankyou Lord for guiding me and for opening my
eyes to my sin!!!
I have just finished Week Six.
I had been on retreat at a Retreat Center a few weeks ago and spent
time in a small chapel sitting alone before the Tabernacle 'confessing'
the sins of my life before God. However, I found that I did recall
some other sins this week in addition to many of the ones that I recalled
previously as I prayed to God to allow me to remember all of the sins
that God wanted me to. I know that when I prepare to go to celebrate
the Sacrament of Reconciliation, I get very embarrassed as I contemplate
telling my sins to a priest. (What will he think? What will
he say to me? Will he think that I am scrupulous?) I know
that the point of the Sacrament is not what the priest thinks but seeking
and receiving the forgiveness of God and being reconciled to God
and the Church. However, I do not feel that type of embarrassment,
that I am equating with shame, when I contemplate in my mind my sins
before God. Maybe I should feel more of this type of shame before
God? I do not know if perhaps I might let this contemplation be
too much 'me centered' and not enough 'God centered' in order to feel
this type of shame? However, I think that one of the reasons that
I do not feel this type of shame when I come before God with my sins
is because I feel that God already knows everything. God knows
what I have done and what I have failed to do. God knows who I
really am and will not leave me. I know that I am not worthy of
everything that God gives me and that God gives me more than I deserve
(including multiple chances). When I acknowledge these particular
commissions and omissions as sins then I am being honest with and about
myself before God. I am glad that I can somewhat easily come before
God with my sins in the quiet of my mind and I pray that I will
be more at ease with confessing sins in the Sacrament of Reconciliation
where I can tangibly know God's mercy and forgiveness.
I have just realized that I do very little
penance, until reading over the sharing words. I spend time in
prayer each day and follow my spiritual director's suggestions but I
never actually say to myself I will do penance. During Advent
and Lent I try to spend more time in prayer but I still never actually
do penance. Lord help me. Week 6
I have a life-long practice of being invisible
to the world. I consciously show only only that part of me that I feel
acceptable. It never dawned on me that Christ, including Christ crucified,
is present in ALL of me and is God's message through me. To the extent
that I have hidden Christ in me I have auctioned of the cross. I will
this day stop hiding.Week 6
Week 6 is just beginning - last night
(Monday) I faced up to many things in the past I had been avoiding.
It is very painful, especially considering the results of these sinful
situations, and how they have affected others. Today I am fasting
and praying and I feel the healing of Jesus Christ setting in, and that
He does not want me to punish myself endlessly, but accept His love
and healing. Especially do I want healing of whatever it is that
makes me behave in this way. I have no power over this sinful
behavior except through God's grace and mercy to cure it.
I have been following this online retreat
for the past few weeks, but always hesitant to write and share my experiences.
It just seemed too personal. But today I read 2 things on the sharings
that moved me greatly and I wanted to say thank you to all of you for
sharing. They have been blessings. Someone wrote, 'St. Ignatius said
that the desire to desire to change our heart is good enough for God',
and another talked about how he/she had always seen himself/herself
as the victim rather than the sinner. These 2 things struck me so deeply.
I'm currently going through a very difficult time trying to forgive
someone close to me. All this time I have seen myself as the victim
- my hurt and pain were too great that I couldn't even see my own sins
- how could my small sins compare to this other person who has hurt
me so much? But God began to point out to me - ever so gently as he
always does - how I do have so many sins of my own, how much I needed
forgiveness too - that I even thought my sins were more forgiveable
than this other person's - for that I needed forgiveness, because who
am I to judge that? I know this person has been trying to be better,
but somehow that's not enough for me, not enough to make up for the
hurt caused, not enough to guarantee they won't fail and disappoint
me again. Again and again, these words keep ringing in my head, 'the
desire to desire to change our heart is good enough for God'...if that's
good enough for God, how can it not be good enough for me, another sinner
also in need of forgiveness?
Thank you for this online retreat and these sharings. They make God
so real and alive in all of us.
Week 6: I am not a patient person.
Falling into the same sins over and over again causes me to lose patients
with myself. This causes me to become indifferent to my own sin: why
bother I will never change. Reading Luke 7:36-50 helps. I see the humility
of the women who pours perfume on Christ’s feet and I am humbled.
Lord, help me to not sin and when I sin give me the courage and grace
to continue to run the race for repentance and forgiveness. The Lord
said: "Come to me, all you who labor and are burdened, and I will give
you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am meek and
humble of heart; and you will find rest for yourselves. For my yoke
is easy, and my burden light." Mt. 11:28-30. Sometimes I humbly approach
God as a miserable sinner needing mercy and sometimes as an angry child
wanting justice, but I spend most of my prayer time with Jesus, my roommate,
and Jesus, my friend. That is the Lord I look for when I go to pray.
During this week, I have been given the grace that I should be more
humble. Not that I should give up my relationship of Jesus as a friend,
but I think it is critical I rely on him more. I need to be more mindful
that I am a putting that needs to humbly pour perfume on his feet and
that I am a child needing his protection.
Week Six: This has been a great grace
and yet a tremendous challenge, I am taking a little longer with this
week , because it has raised deep issues in my life and I need to proceed
slowly. I did go to the sacrament of reconciliation this week
which was a wonderful grace. I will seek some help to navigate
this for the next few weeks and that is also a grace,something that
I was afraid to do for awhile.
I have been guilty of many sins in my life and struggle on a daily basis
with sin. I had thought that I was doing alright ,but the great
fear of not being worthy and somewhat afraid of God at times proves
troublesome. I love God and I am beginning to understand the concept
that his mercy is above all other works. Being too ashamed of sin and
not seeking his comfort is something I have struggled with and my prayer
this week is to learn to be open with my sinfulness and my goodness.
I pray that I can look at the cross and realize that his mercy is so
much greater than my sin... hopefully with time , I will become so aware
of his divine love that the patterns of my sin will change . I
will be so indebted to him that I will seek not to offend him
by my sinfulness, and yet go running into His arms for love
, reconciliation and mercy when I stumble and fall.
I am a sinful being , and I need the confidence to truly feel God's
deep and abiding love for me. I pray for joy to realize His unimaginable
love.
The first day of Week 6, and what
a start! I was given a foretaste at Mass yesterday. I was kneeling in
my pew, feeling the weight of my failings and wondering at my apparent
inability to overcome them. Then I read the opening prayer for the day:
Father,
you taught us to overcome our sins
By prayer, fasting, and works of mercy.
When we are discouraged by our weakness,
Give us confidence in your love.
We ask this through our Lord Jesus Christ, Your
Son,
Who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit,
One God, forever and ever, Amen.
I
was overwhelmed with God’s mercy, at His continuing call to be
made “perfect, as He is perfect.” When I realize that only
He can make me perfect, and understand that all I can do is choose to
cooperate (or not) with His will for me, I know that I must continue
striving to be the person I am called to be. Failure hurts, but it is
the effort that matters. With His grace, I will continue getting up
when I fall and pray that I fall less hard and less often. I also ask
for the grace of gratitude for His love and mercy.
I've been working on week 6 since Holy Family
Sunday. The reading that day hit me particularly hard when Paul
speaks about not holding any bitterness in our hearts regarding our
spouse. My heart has been full of bitterness for years.
Week 6 provided the key to the start of releasing that bitterness:
I looked at my own sins in the marriage...and was deeply humbled for
I saw my part in the disharmony whereas before I always cast myself
as the victim. It is truly a wonderous and amazing grace
to remove the blinders to our own sin. What freedom it gives...to
move on and to change...for now I see how much I need to decrease so
that Christ can increase in me. And through His grace the process
begun in week 6 will continue. Thank you for telling us to focus
always on Jesus and the Cross while doing week 6: the horror of
my sins and the sorrow and pain involved in their uncovering would have
overwhelmed me to the point of paralysis if I did not keep Christ in
the center. Thank you. I trust that you keep all of us on
this online retreat in your prayers daily. Please never stop for
your prayers are needed.
I am in week six . I am asking God
to help me experience the times I have been rebellious, with emotion;
to help me explore concrete actions, attitudes, consequences of my decisions,
habit that I developed and haven't change and opportunity to love, passing
up the way I was deaf to the cry of the poor, my pride and judgements,
bad single sin or the pattern of sin I am so aware of. To focus becomes
a way for God to show me His Love and Mercy, it will be a profound grace.
Please don't let me resist the temptation to stop there, with that single
bad sin. Please unveil my whole life here. For the ways
I am rebellious in my failures to praise, reverence and serve God are
often quite subtle. I want to know and experience God's love for
me as I am, not just because I do this or that. I want to experience
love and mercy for who I am - who I have been and who I have become. Finally,
Thank you Lord for loving me, help me love you with my whole heart and
soul,speaking to you as my best friend and wanting to do all for, with
and be with my Lord always.
The picture of Auctioning off The Cross
hit me deep down inside...Is this what I have done with the sufferings
of Jesus? And the answer was YES - in hundreds and hundreds of
little ways. I have been content with being a "little" sinner...what
arrogance and self love! The helps for the week helped me to begin
to see myself as a sinner in need of forgiveness. I am a religious
and some of our founder's words to us are " Be There for the Whole
Church, be there as a pardoned sinner..." I began to understand better
how my sinfulness effects my ministry - how could Jesus have continued
to love me and forgive me...but he did/does...I have had so many second
chances. Lord, help me to see where I need to change and how.
I was considering my sinfulness. I
was thinking about my "progress" in this retreat and how "well"
I was doing and how dedicated I have been to this point. Maybe
I have been slacking a bit, not giving myself totally. Then it
hit me. I am doing as good as I can do. Even if this was
the best retreat of all time, at the end of the retreat I will still
be a sinner. Hopefully a more enlightened and in tune to God,
but still a sinner. Despite all of this, God will still love me!
To be honest, it is difficult for me to comprehend. Please God,
help me to better understand your ways. Thank You for your love. (Week 6)
I
am in week 6 of the retreat . My greatest grace has been the
realization that God has always been with me loving me for nearly 70
years . It means that my life was always about God not about me . So
now I caan peacefully remember events and periods that I normally gloss
over out of shame for sin. This is a great joy .
While reading the reflections for week
6, I realize that I have been guilty of both of these attitudes
which make up the arms of the cross. Many times, I have felt so
worthless... as though God made a mistake in creating me and should
not have suffered and died for me. Other
times, when my life situations seemed difficult, I resorted to devious
and privately dishonest methods to resolve them, and taken great pride
in doing so. Pride in my own cleverness and ingenuity. This
instead of turning to or trusting in God. I did not wait upon
Him. I see now that I still have a great deal of trouble waiting
upon God. Help
me Lord to see both the horror and the beauty of the cross and
your sacrifice for me. Help me to realize that I am accountable
for my actions and for my lack of action. Help me to see
you in those I meet today and to fully realize that we are all worth
saving in your eyes. Forgive me Lord for my sins and be with me
today because I cannot do it without you.
When I first opened week 6, my heart
sank. How do I go back over my sinful life? Nearly 50 years
of rebellion and rationalization? In prayer I realized, because
of God's mercy I only needed to go over the gift of forgiveness and
the lessons I learned because of those sins. It brought tears
to my eyes to feel His compassion and love for me, a loved sinner.
I also felt gratitude and hope. Gratitude that I have been given the
opportunity to change. Hope that the love I feel can be expressed
by me towards strangers who are suffering. Mostly, I add prayer
that I might be given the courage to proceed in honoring and acting
upon God's will for me.
Yesterday, I encountered something that was
revolting. my first reaction was to condemn the person for the
act. I tried to quiet my mind to get to a place that I could hear
God talking to me. I prayed under my breathe and tried to see
this person as a child of God, too; just like me. Then it dawned
on me, that someone could have done the same thing for me. Sometime
in the past, when I was doing a "no brainer", someone (probably my mother)
prayed for my soul. That thought took a load off my mind, because
then I knew I had something precious to give to this person. Thank
you for this retreat. The format works very well. I can
participate on a flexible schedule and enjoy the gifts that it produces.
I am in week six, and it is a tough one to look at sins that
I have buried and tried to forget. Looking at myself everyday
and trying to catch the sins that I still generate; isn't fun either.
Week 6 has been difficult to really
get into. I have expanded the time to two calender weeks because it
seems so important. Remembering the sins in my life is not a problem
(unfortunately) but truly feeling their sinfulness and God's mercy has
been elusive.
There is nothing more welcome than reading
the struggles that so many of us share in our humanness. There
have been gifts in every week - some more difficult to see or accept
than others, but available, nevertheless. I am only at week
6 in the journey and I know I have so much to learn and grow from,
if only I can allow it to happen. I have always been on the very
self-sufficient side and can barely make a request of anyone, knowing
I can do it alone, if not better than anyone I would hand it off to.
I have had very few people in my life that I have allowed to contribute
to me - and only in the recent past have I allowed that to happen more.
It is just overwhelming when I let down the guard, trust, and let somene
give to me. And I know I have not done that with God- always wanting
to be in control myself (or deluding myself to think I am) and not letting
God move in my life. I am working on letting go of that notion
- and I know it will take time for me to get where I need to be - but
I do recognize it more and more now having worked on the retreat.
Please pray for me in this regard - I so want to allow God to use me
and to accept what is offered from everyone in my life, especially the
Lord. The story of the Prodigal Son this week is a favorite of
mine. I read the book by Henri Nouwen on Rembrandt's painting, the "Return
of the Prodigal Son", during an especially difficult time in my life
and it made a tremendous impact on me. God Bless each of you who has
opened up and shared your thoughts. I count each one as a gift.
I have just begun the sixth week of
the retreat. I had not had a problem looking at my sinfulness.
When I go to confession, I make a thorough examination of conscience.
However, something that I did realize from the reading is that most
people do not really think of the little things as sins anymore.
I had been told by someone once that I make too big a deal out of the
little things that I do (giving into envy, etc.). I know that people
see me as a holy religious person and that sometimes makes me feel even
more like a hypocrite when I know the feelings or things that I have
done. I had also been told that if you believe that it is a sin
then it is a sin for you and if someone else does not believe it is
a sin then it is not a sin for them. Not to make myself sound
more pius but I believe that I partly know how the saints felt when
they recognized themselves as wretched sinners when everyone else saw
them as saints. (I am not saying that I am a saint. I know that I have
a way to go. But I am saying that I maybe can relate to this idea)
It makes me wonder, and I don't mean this in a self-centered way, if
I am truely a better person than I sometimes think that I am. I also
wonder if it is even good to think that way. I know that the Lord said
that the tax collector went home justified and the Pharisee did not
in the one Gospel story. It makes me wonder where I really am
in my life with the Lord.
I had stopped my retreat...just left it behind
but God had not given up pursuing me.. The other day...I went to my
bible... I don't know where it came from but a desire to read the old
testmnet kind of just stirred my interest. I cannot believe I
sat down and just read for hours about the story of David.. And
then a few days later?... I wanted to return to the retreat. When
I did I thought I will just brouse on thru this stuff.. but I got stopped
on week 6..(i think the opening dialogue was about the story
of David.. then I knew that is where God was trying to direct me too... Its
how I treat others.....that is why I have no friends... it's a lonely
life........when you run around with a strong critical parent in you.........
well........that is all I have to say.........that is where he wants
to take the knife to me.. and that is what causes me the greatest deal
of pain for me....... I just thought I would share. Merry Christmas
everyone........and keep going.......don't give up.......if you try
I assure you God will just keep on hounding you........you see he sees
something valuable in all he creates.....he can see thru the smuck..
When reflecting upon my past life (6),
I am 50, I see nearly only the good things: how lucky have I been! A
good family, good friend, a good work. I didn't marry, even if I think
I could have been a good wife, but I didn't find the right man. was
I too exigent??
I
thank God every day for what He has given me. I passed of course bad
moments: the death of my little sister, the death of both my parents,
but after some time I accept all, as life is so. I don't find yet any
moments I am ashamed of; I don't think I made bad choices in life, family
and work. I don't find God's presence in any particular moment, I Thank
Him for giving me faith, which I sense is a gift of God and not only
an effort by us.
My English is not very good, as I am Italian
.
Week 6 has been extremely powerful
for me. The week long examination of my life has been very revealing
as I've had to face the patterns of sinful behavior woven throughout
my history. However, the stronger picture that emerged was the
pattern of God's faithfulness - His protection, His gentle drawing me
closer to Him as I chose paths to run from Him. I thank God
the Father for not giving up on me; for seeing me as someone of value
to Him. I thank Jesus for his willingness to go to the cross for
me, and I thank the Holy Spirit for guiding me.
I am ending week six and have found
out a lot about myself, mostly how God has kept me in His hands. I have
been given so many graces throughout my life that I can never thank
enough. I am nearing 69, twice widowed, live alone as my children live
and work in different places and countries. I have always relied
completely in God´s love and providence. I know that what I am
sharing is irrelevant and boring but being sleepless and lonely it seemed
a good idea to share the loneliness, which I am sure is true for many
other people. I pray for all of you who are also doing this retreat.
Just finished week 6. Found it hard,
dificult and demanding . Extended the week to two weeks. God help me
I do not feel shame for my sins sorrow, repentance but not shame. Moving
to week7 more in faith, hope and love than with real conviction. Perhaps
this where a sprititual director would be helpful.
I just finished week six and wanted
to share that a few months ago I was doing a lot of thinking about my
own sin. I was really wanting to be closer to God, but something
was 'gettin' in the way' . It was like a wall blocking things every
time I tried to pray. Then, I was compelled to go to confession, so
I wrung my hands and cried for a week before I finally called up my
priest. He said, "Why don't you come now"? Despite my nervousness,
I went and told him what I called "old stuff". At the end of my
confession, Father said "know that your sins are hanging on the cross,
so you don't have to worry". Those words reached out and took
hold of my heart. "My sins", I thought, "Jesus Died for ME"?
It personalized it for me, so much. I felt so humbled, so reverent,
but mostly, I felt grateful. More grateful than I had ever felt
before. When I walked out of there, my sins were gone. And
so were my tears. I learned so much that day. Jesus is there,
waiting to pour out his loving mercy on us. And yet, for so long,
I've resisted. I want His gift now, and then, I want to give Him a proper
Thank You.
I am in my 6th week and I have recently
completed my photo gallery for the past 59 years. There were some
things that I am proud of and also a period of my life that I am ashamed
of. But the exercise was wonderful. It was amazing what I remembered...getting
a licking on a Sunday after Mass for dirtying my diaper (we had chicken
soup that day)...lying on the side of the hill at about age 8, looking
at the sky and feeling the strong presence of my guardian angel. One
ommision that I felt sorry for concerned my brother who was a missionary
up the Amazon River, got bit by a poisonous spider, was sent home weighing
about 100 pounds...looked terrible. I was happy that he didn't
die but I never did discuss his feelings about not being able to do
this type of missionary work, something that he wanted and trained for
his entire life, gone. God bless.
I have rehashed the big sins of my past (6) so many times, trying to figure out how I could have done what I did.
But not until I did it once again in this retreat did I feel fully
free of those sins. By seeing my life differently now, with Jesus
as the center and myself and my sins as the frame to the picture of
God's love for me, everything is so beautiful. I, too, have become more
transparent in my relationship with God.
The hardest part of this week (6) has been the realization that the notion of "patterns" in my life means
that this stuff has not only been there for a while and is deep, but
it's a more realistic picture of who I am. I always thought it
was "unhealthy" to look at the "negative" stuff. The picture I
have of myself after the last two weeks is the most unveiled I've been
to myself. As I try to be more and more transparent in the key
personal relationships of my life, to be completely transparent to myself
before God makes so much sense. And it feels great!
The 6th Week helped me realize that
I sinned because my faith was weak, or nonexistent. I must not forget,
even for one minute, that I live in the world created by God, the world
in which He is constantly present.
Abba, I have sinned against You and against other people. Forgive me.
It happened because I did not live in Your presence, I did not seek
Your ways, I disregarded Your commandments.
Help me O God, repair the results of my sin wherever it is possible.
Please, give me the grace to know my sin in all its dimensions, and
the ways to compensate others if they were hurt by my sin.
Above all, I beg you Lord to help me live in Your presence, to follow
Your commandments and to always seek Your ways. Amen
As I entered in my sixth week of the Online
Retreat I've been immersed in "one of the specialties of Saint Ignatius"
as an intercessor to us, the ones who do the Retreat, according to the
contemporary physician and mystic A. Speyr. I am very confident on the
active and lovely presence of God during this beginning week. The
center here is Jesus, who died on the Cross for every one of us, and
my sinful life and attitude is to be seen from the light of this picture.
How often "I have auctioned off the Cross"... But he offers himself
with actual love and is always here to save me.
I feel compelled to comment on what has touched
me deeply, this morning ... and, that's the photo by Fr. Don:
Auctioning of The Cross, Week 6. I am moved by the accuracy of
the portrayal in the photo, and it's symbolism. My
first impression (before I enlarged it) was of a rally or some sort
of protest. And, at first glance the individuals looked oppressed,
tense, even fearful or angry. Second
impression, after enlargement: Complete disregard, disrespect,
ignorance of The Cross. Perhaps a hint of awareness by the man
holding it, as his "indifference" is tinged by his obvious discomfort
in holding it. One man actually has his back to The Cross.
Scanning the photo, no one is looking at it! No one, except the
unseen photographer. Third
impression: This photo reminds me of the sins I don't like to
look at, and I find it unpleasant and I'll move on quickly. EXCEPT ...
then I notice the beauty of the Light, high above The Cross, gently
flowing in, highlighting, spotlighting it, in all it's Glory!
And, I'm aware of God's Presence and my undeserved redemption
through His Love and The Cross. Praise God! Thank You, Father!
Thank You, Jesus! Thank You Holy Spirit!
It seems every time I ask God to lift the
blindness from my eyes, to see what it is I am missing, what sin am
I not looking at, I go back to my relationship with my mother.
It's a hard place to be because I have never been good enough, or I
don't have any rights to feel, or she just judges everything I do or
say, and then she gets mad at me. I have wondered what sin is
here that I am missing. I know I keep going back to this because
I am missing something, and this week I realized that I too am critical
of others like her. I judge not only God's intentions but my own,
I am my worst critic and I never realized what a sin that was.
I know God has healed my blindness here and I have hope and faith I
won't be back, I can go forward now and see all my sin for what it really
is. As I finish the 6th week of the exercise I know God
is mercyfull and loving, and there is not anything that will keep him
from loving me.
I am beginning the sixth week of this beautiful
spiritual experience. I thought I may have to put this off two
weeks ago when my sister died, but soon realized how important this
is. I haven't shared before. My brother, daughter, and nephew
commited suicide. My daughter would be 37 this week; she shot
herself in the heart at age 30. I still weep for her. I
know how important this spiritual journey is to me and I want to thank
those who have made it available because there is no other way at this
time for me to make a retreat.
I have struggled to make Week 6.
I chide myself with the 'on and off ' nature of my commitment and rely
heavily on the prayers of you to keep me fuelled. I would like
to share the thought that persisted with me throughout the week.
In considering my particular sins, I was so blinded by one particular
type of sin that I could not see the many others that also need to be
addressed. Thankfully I have others around me who do not hesitate to
point out my every fault. This has caused me to get so angry with
them that I cease to hear what they say. But now I can hear them
and see that they are right and I thank God for the grace I have received
to be able to do so.
I'm on Retreat # 6....One of the first
things that comes to mind is "All Sin and fall short of the Glory
of God" Romans3:23 - 24 ...Well that tells me I'm not alone....BUT...as
Christians we have a helper to help us overcome, Jesus, thru the Power
& Influence of the Holy Spirit....God's Grace.. My
second thought....my sins .....they seem to come and go and I believe
the Holy Spirit keeps me informed when I do a no no...or such.
Resistance or Rebellion seems to be a biggy & as in Retreat # 1
could see it happening in my youth. ... I did it again....and here I
am,Lord, again, eating humble pie. What more can I say except....keep
reminding me Lord thru the Holy Spirit & one of these days I'll
get it right.
Thank You for this On Line Retreat &
Thanks be to the Holy Trinity for keepin me on my toes.
PS: I"ve included Internet Families &
Intentions on my Prayer list now,also....please do the same for me too.
Having finished week 6, the image
of Jesus bent over the world on his cross is the most soul enlarging.
I can see a little my own sin and those in our world, but they become
more real when I can look into his face, see the pain there and the
.love. It has moved Jesus from 33A.D. to 1999 A.D. Redemption continues,
is NOW.
My God Owing to illusory self, impatient
and imprudent conduct on my part, (6) I have created a world
which was estranged from Your presence . I was not so attached
to You. I turned aside from the path You wished me to go on. As a result
of my sins , I was unsatisfied and without joy in my heart. Now, as
I look again , I know that You are always loving me, I can feel an opportunity
is lying there if I so wished , in the basement of my heart . Oh Lord
Help me to unlock the door of the basement of my heart and to go on
the path where only Jesus Reigns. Help me to co-operate with Your working
through me for the complete elimination of suffering and evil |