I was walking slowly the other day toward Emmaus, Nebraska, a little, unknown village west of Omaha somewhere. I was conversing with a person with whom I often have trouble sharing my struggles. This means I was talking grumblingly with myself. To complete the picture, we were looking down at the dusty unpaved road. It was kind of a sweet/sour relating of all the bumps and bruises encountered, endured in our recent days. Sweet, because we enjoy self-righteous sufferings and judgments. Sour, because we cannot do anything in retribution in reality except pout.
Well, of course, Jesus came alongside and butted in on our conversation and began untangling the threads of our self-centered prayer or whatever it was. Jesus seemed to respect our feelings but just walked along pointing out the good things around us and some little good things also within us. The more we walked and talked, I noticed He was looking at just me, the other person resolved into his darkness. Jesus asked me where the other went. I told Him that he had dissolved, but I knew he’d return the next time I was stumbling self-centeredly along.
Jesus did not scold, or correct me, but took my elbow and tucked His finger under my drooping chin and just looked into my real self. “Be at home” He said. I asked Him if He meant I should turn and go back to Omaha. He smiled and said that would be very good after we shared the Eucharist together.
There was a little church up ahead and people were gathering toward the front door. “Let’s go in” He said “and we’ll share our two truths, yours and Mine, together with that gathering”. “I really don’t feel worthy to either be with them and especially with You. I am nothing but a grumble.” He walked on toward the church quietly mumbling something to Himself. “Your worthiness comes from several places. Your unworthiness comes from one place only.” We entered the group advancing into the little church and I lost contact with Him.
An elderly priest appeared at the altar and in no time, it seemed, we celebrated the Real Presence of Jesus in the Breaking of Bread and we all were walking out. I was quite light of spirit so my return was quicker.
Of course, He wasn’t done with me just yet. He went with me and started to talk about worthy/unworthy. He reminded me that He was my worthiness. When I allowed Him to embrace my real, true poverty which accompanies my acceptance of my humanity, my poverty. Unworthiness is the destructive invitation of the Corruptor. “I am in a constant battle between His Creative Spirit and my own subtle seduction of my creating my richness, my own image, my own worthiness, my little self-kingdom.”
With this little shot across my floundering deck, He went on His way, leaving me worthy to be myself more gratefully and less occupied with, hmm, I forgot. Omaha never looked so welcoming as my home.
Rev. Larry Gillick, SJ
I entered the Society of Jesus in 1960, after graduating from Marquette University High School in Milwaukee, Wisconsin and attending St. Norbert College for two years. I was ordained in 1972 after completing theological studies at the Toronto School of Theology, Regis College. I presently minister in the Deglman Center for Ignatian Spirituality at Creighton and give retreats.
I enjoy sharing thoughts on the Daily Reflections. It is a chance to share with a wide variety of people in the Christian community experiences of prayer and life which have been given to me. It is a bit like being in more places than just here. We actually get out there without having to pay airlines to do it. The word of God is alive and well.
