“Who am I?” is the question that started my slide into Catholicism. In December of 2017, I had lunch with a friend, and I told him I wish I believed. I had to be honest with myself and not force or pretend to believe. I wanted to believe as a gift to my wife. My friend said he’d pray for my conversion. Sadly, my friend passed away about a year later. He must have hand delivered the prayer. I joined the church on Pentecost 2020. My path from disbelief began with that all important question, “Who am I?”.
Since joining the Church, I continue to ask that question and wrestle with my different answers. Since Jesus is who He says He is, why do I not feel more like I think I should feel? Like the fish swimming in the ocean, I’m still searching for water. Haggai’s reading today helps me. As I look at myself and think how feeble and weak I must appear as compared to those from the past, I hear Haggai saying to have courage and work and fear not.
As I am fortunate to work at a Jesuit school, I have learned to focus less on what I should do and more on what I want to do. It’s more about spiritual freedom and noticing attachments that tug at my attention. I’m not talking about avoiding my duty as a husband, or father, or teacher. I’m talking about deciding between two good options. I still have difficulty knowing what I want to do.
I am thinking I might have the wrong question. Instead of asking what I want to do, I’m going to think about how I want to do it, not so much which path am I choosing but how I choose to travel on any path? Maybe like Jesus says in Mark 10:45 “to serve and to give his life as a ransom for many”? While my journey doesn’t lead to the cross, it does lead to helping others, to serve. How I serve matters. I don’t want to focus on fixing people. I want to focus on adoring people, seeing them as God sees them. “Your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.”
I don’t really understand yet, but I like Mother Teresa’s idea of seeing “Jesus in His most distressing disguise.” She’s a saint, and I am not, so I do get discouraged. I recall the advice from Haggai, “have courage, work, and fear not.”
Greg Dyche
As a professor at Creighton University’s Heider College of Business, I teach courses in Management Information Systems, Analytics, and Artificial Intelligence. With over 40 years of professional experience and a commitment to helping students discover “the possibilities of technology,” I bring both technical expertise and a heart for service to my work. I am grateful to participate in Creighton’s Online Ministry, sharing in the journey of faith through daily scripture reflections.
