How can you say to your brother,
‘Brother, let me remove that splinter in your eye,’
when you do not even notice the wooden beam in your own eye?
Luke

My most difficult relative exploded and hung up on me after I blurted out my
frustration with her. She followed up with a nasty text about my many faults. Now I’m
reflecting on how to follow Jesus’ command in today’s reading from Luke – to look at the
beam in my own eye before trying to remove the splinter from hers.

She’s driven me crazy since childhood and I’ve spent a lifetime trying to avoid
saying anything that might trigger a blow up. But this was over the top, even for her, so I
was still steaming when I started this reflection. And Jesus wasn’t helping. I told him:
“You know what I’ve put up with all these years. But now you’re telling ME to get MY act
together. Get REAL.” Then I cooled down, searching for a message in the gospel that
would help.

Finally I realized that Jesus is teaching us how to cope with family relationships
that you can’t entirely walk away from even when you’re angry, at least not in my family.
I found that his most important lesson is that we can’t change another person, only
ourselves. I resolved to focus on this even if it doesn’t seem fair. With that shift, I
somewhat grudgingly began to examine the beam in my eye while asking Jesus to do
something about the splinter in hers. I asked myself the following questions:
Why can’t I forgive and forget old grievances? Do I kind of enjoy them?
Is there some truth in what she told me about myself?

Could I be more patient?

Can I listen better even if I don’t like what she’s saying?

Can I give her strokes even if I don’t feel like it?

At least Jesus knows I’m trying and that I pray daily for my relative. If I’ve done
my utmost to improve my share of the relationship, I won’t feel guilty about telling Jesus
to do the best he can with us.

One important closing note. If a person is abusive rather than just annoying or off
base, sever the relationship. You have a right to be treated respectfully and to set
boundaries. Jesus never asks any of us to let a toxic person destroy us. He knows the
difference between beams and splinters.